Cheers s05e12 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
(cheering) (static hissing) NORM: Hey, wow, Sammy! Woody, Woody, Woody, jump up there and fix the TV.
again, will you? (patrons complaining) Whoa, whoa! Perfect, Perfect! Don't move! Oh, wait a second, Woody-- uh, just a just a minor adjustment.
SAM: That's it! Oh, I sure hope this game doesn't go into overtime.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Sam, here's your change.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, dear.
What? I can't remember whether or not I left my stove on.
Oh, boy.
No, it's off.
A-ha.
I think.
It's off.
Of course it's off.
It's on.
My apartment's on fire.
Still Go, go, go, go, go.
Oh, wait, uh, before you go, uh, while you were up there at Melville's a Madame Likova called.
Something about showing up tonight with, uh, a videotape and analysis? Here? Madame Likova? Yeah.
Well, we've got to get this place cleaned up.
Everyone, out! What's the big deal? Who is she? What? Well, she Promise me, all of you, that you won't make fun of me.
Yeah, right.
Hey Carla, come on.
No, we, uh, we won't make fun of you, we promise.
I've been studying ballet.
(laughing) Sam! You laughed.
No, no, we just, uh, all thought of a joke.
What joke? You in a tutu.
Come on.
What is this? Come on.
Tell us all about it.
Madame Likova has been visiting Boston and she consented to teach a class at the college.
On a caprice, I decided to enroll and I was accepted.
Our final session entailed doing a solo performance on videotape.
Oh, I get it-- that way she could puke in the privacy of her own home.
NORM: Diane, uh, why the sudden interest in ballet? Oh, Norman, it's not sudden.
I've had an on-again, off-again love affair with the ballet since I was seven years old.
I studied for a while, then gave it up.
Regrettably, of course.
Although I was blessed with a swan-like neck and natural grace I abandoned my dream of becoming a prima ballerina and concentrated instead on my career as a novelist.
Which explains why you're here in a bar pushing beers.
Oh, I remember the first time I ever put on my toe shoes Excuse me, Diane.
Isn't your apartment on fire? Oh, my God! I completely forgot! My poor kitty.
Wait a minute.
I'm sure I turned it off.
(sizzling noise) (coughing) (meowing) Hi, Cliff.
Hey, Diane.
Hi, everybody.
Sammy? Hey! Mind if I put one of these up on the old, uh, bulletin board? Go ahead.
Ah, better take this old one of mine down, huh? Boy, oh, boy, nobody was interested in my singles potluck séance.
What's going up this time? Well, you know, for years I've been saving up and, uh, finally made it.
I bought myself a snazzy Italian sports car.
Yup.
As of tomorrow I'm going to be the owner of a brand new Alfredo.
Hey, all right.
But first I got to, uh, sell off the old Cliff-mobile.
Wait a minute.
Now you own a 1965 Chevy station wagon, right? Yes, sir.
This is a picture of a Rolls-Royce.
What are you doing? Uh, read the copy there, Sammy.
"Chevy, the Rolls-Royce of station wagons.
" Oh, come on.
Smart.
Um, ex excuse me.
SAM: Yeah? I'm looking for Diane Chambers.
Oh, she's not here right now.
Oh, I'll bet you, you're Madame Lik Likova.
Oh! Oh, goodness no.
No.
How Madame would laugh if she heard you say that.
And then she would strike me.
No, I, I am Leeza, her assistant.
Oh, Sam Malone, hi.
Hello.
Hello.
Frasier Crane.
Hello.
Uh, well, is Madame going to come here later on tonight? Oh, no, no, Madame Likova would never come to a tavern.
No, I am bringing by the tape and analysis for Diane.
Normally the students pick them up themselves, but, well, Madame Likova can be very harsh, so I wanted to soften the blow by bringing them here myself.
Her dancing's that bad, huh? I am afraid so.
That is why I, I, I wanted to come here myself and, and tell her not to dance anymore.
Uh, but I, I have to go now.
Uh, we are checking out tonight.
And an impatient Madame Likova is a dangerous Madame Likova.
Oh.
Uh, give her this videotape and this envelope and tell her I'm so sorry.
Well, I will.
Thank you very much.
Yes, thank you.
Do Svidaniya.
"Do Svidaniya", huh? Those Russkies can never leave without slipping in some Soviet propaganda.
Hey, you guys think, uh, Diane is really that bad of a dancer? CARLA: I don't know.
Guess there's no way of ever knowing, is there? Yeah, none that I can really think of.
CLIFF: Me, uh, neither.
And who knows if that VCR in Sammy's office even works, you know? There's, uh, there's only one way to find out, you know.
How's that? Get a tape and, uh, slip it right in there.
Talk about luck.
Here's a tape right here.
That's extremely insensitive.
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
It's like driving by the scene of an accident.
You don't want to look, but you just can't help yourself.
Yeah, and in this case you get to play it over and over again.
(piano playing) Is it working? (laughing) Guess so.
Hey, that's Miss Chambers.
Oh, boy.
Why is she hopping around like that? Well, she's dancing, Woody.
Get out! I don't know, guys.
You know, maybe this isn't funny.
Sam, are you looking at the screen? I-I-I'm sorry.
I'm just (groaning, complaining) Being laughed at is going to be the least of Diane's worries.
If she ever reads this analysis, she's going to be shattered.
Take a look at this thing.
Oh, boy.
"Poor, poor, poor, terrible" Ooh, how was her attendance? What I mean, what are we gonna do? She thinks her teacher's going to show up tonight.
Uh, what are we going to tell her? We're not going to tell her anything.
Madame Likova is going to write her a splendid analysis.
Can I borrow your office? Oh, hey, now wait a second now.
Do you think this is the right way to do it? Oh, listen, what harm can it do? I mean, she said this was a one-shot deal.
Why not let her leave it a winner? Uh, why would you, her favorite doormat, want to make her feel better about herself? Oh, I hear what you're saying.
Yeah, sure, she mocked me, debased me, humiliated me, ridiculed me, finally left me at the altar, but you never really can forget your first love, can you? Back again.
And you'll all be happy to know that my oven was off.
Ah! But I had left the milk out, so it wasn't a wasted trip.
Uh, Diane, while you were out, your, uh, dance teacher's assistant came by.
Oh, poo.
Madame Likova didn't come? No, no, uh, she got hold of a bad bowl of borscht.
Uh but she, she, uh, told us to make sure you got this.
Here it is.
Yeah.
The moment of truth.
Mm Oh, I can't.
Oh, oh, come on.
You, you're going to have to open it sometime.
"Technique: very good.
"Strength: very good.
"Emotional response: outstanding.
Flexibility: average"? Well, I always thought I was very flexible.
"Excellent natural instincts.
" "Soul of a dancer.
" "If not for the late start, could have had a career in dance.
" Oh, my.
Oh, I'd love to call her and thank her.
Maybe I can still catch her at the hotel.
Oh, no, no, Diane, I don't think that's a good idea at all.
Why not? Why not? Why not? Because, uh, because Well, uh, you know, she's probably packing and if you disturb her right now, she'd probably put, uh, her, her work clothes in one bag and her regular stuff in another bag.
Then if the airline lost one of those bags, then she, you know, either she wouldn't be able to work or she'd look real goofy out there on the street.
That's why not.
Is there something you're not telling me? No! Ha! No.
We're just, uh What are we doing here? Uh, well, we're, ha, we're horsing around.
Horsing around, huh? (laughing) FRASIER: No, listen.
The fact is we're all just thrilled to death about the report.
Now you go ahead and call her.
I'm out of here, fellas.
Sit.
Ah, yes, Madame Likova, please.
Oh, boy DIANE: Oh, I see.
She's busy, huh? Well, maybe Oh, Madame Likova! Madame Likova! Yes, yes.
This is Diane Chambers.
I'm, I'm so glad I caught you.
I Yes.
Yes, Madame Likova.
I read it.
I Did you really mean everything you said? Ah, yes, I'm sorry.
I know you always mean what you say.
(line disconnects, dial tone buzzes) Hello? She hung up.
Well, she was never one to chat.
This is unbelievable.
Mmm.
I never thought I was this good.
Maybe I've been too critical of myself.
I really don't think that's possible.
I must view my tape again-- through Madame's eyes.
Would any of you mind, if? Mind? We'd be angry if you didn't.
Oh, my friends.
I'm, I'm so glad you're all here to share this moment with me.
I tell you what.
What don't you come and stand right up close to the television here? Oh, okay.
So you get the best possible viewing, and we'll just sort of surround you behind you so we don't distract you, all right? CARLA: Hit it! (piano playing) Yes, yes.
Look at me.
(muffled laughter) Ever since I was a child, I wanted to dance so badly.
Ooh, looks like you got your wish.
Norman, don't you think it's time you got home to your beloved? No, no, it's, uh, Vera's night to howl tonight.
She's, uh, hosting a Tupperware party.
I'd say, uh, right about now they're probably knee-deep in lettuce crispers.
Vera's really into Tupperware? Are you kidding? She wants to be buried in one of those things.
I can just, uh, see the service.
You know, they lower you into the ground, somebody burps the corner and you're sealed fresh for eternity, I guess.
Oh Was that a sigh, Diane? I don't know.
Come on.
What's the matter? Come on.
Nothing.
You mentioned eternity, and it got me to thinking.
"For of all the sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: It might have been.
" Yeah.
I wonder what might have happened if I had pursued my dream.
Who knows? I might have ended up an accomplished ballerina.
Now I'll never know.
Yeah, that is tough, but, uh, well, that's what you get for dreaming.
Didn't you ever have a dream, Norman? No.
Not at all? Nope.
You never wanted something that was out of reach? Well, uh beer nuts.
Norman, I'm serious.
So am I.
Could you just Yeah.
Everyone has dreams, Norman.
Everyone except me.
I learned early in life not to have 'em.
Oh Yeah! I figure they're useless.
They don't come true anyway.
Norman Yeah, life's tough enough without getting yourself all worked up over something that's not gonna happen.
Mm-mm.
Dreams-- they just give you heartache.
But isn't the real heartache knowing that you had the potential to do something and you never tried? Listen to me.
Listen to me! Do I have another choice? I have the potential to be a dancer.
I still have a fighting chance to make my dream come true.
I'm gonna send my tape to Boston Ballet.
You know In fact, I am going to drop it in the mail tonight.
I, uh Oh, Norman Diane? Oh, this is so wonderful.
Well Thank you so much.
(smooches) Um I'm too excited to stick around.
Anyway, you know how to lock up, right, Norman? You kidding? I'm the one who taught you.
Right.
Good night.
Yeah.
Well.
Ah, alone in a bar.
Maybe Diane is right.
I guess dreams can come true.
Hello, everyone.
My! Don't you look the ballerina.
Thank you, Carla.
Now, why don't you take a flying leap? Sam, the reason I came early was to tell you that I'm going to be a little late.
You're not early.
You're right on time.
Oh.
Well, then, I'm going to be quite late.
I'm auditioning for Boston Ballet.
Would you mind if I warmed up? This seems a tad high, but it might serve as a barre.
Well, it is a bar, Miss Chambers.
No, Woody, when a dancer warms up, they hold onto a barre.
That is a bar.
FRASIER: If I might interrupt here, uh Please.
Diane, what audition? Well, you know I sent off my tape to Boston Ballet.
Yeah.
What audition? Well, they had the nerve to send it back unopened.
They never even looked at it.
I think that's patently unfair.
Is that giving art a chance? Well, uh, Diane, do you think, uh, maybe you're just not ready for the Boston Ballet? Hmm? Yes, I am.
I know it.
Madame Likova knows it.
The only people who don't know it are the people at Boston Ballet, and they're about to find out.
They're rehearsing now.
They're going to see me if I have to do a grand jet? over the gate.
Uh, Diane, I think that might be a mistake.
Why? Don't you think I'm good enough? Oh, no.
Oh, hey, are you kidding me? I think you're wonderful.
Heh.
So what's the point? Um, Frasier, the point? The point is You know you two have been behaving very mysteriously lately.
Oh Are you planning a surprise party? (laughing): You're onto us.
Darn! Oh Well, I will try to act surprised.
Oh.
Well, that's great, but as I was saying, Diane, the point is well, not to make a big scene about this thing.
You see, I-I'm sure the Boston Ballet must have, uh, open auditions, you know, from time to time.
Why not, uh, wait till then? I've wasted enough time already.
Thank you.
No, wait, Di-Diane, wait a second here.
Uh, oh, boy.
Listen, I-I'm going to (laughs) I-I'm going to have to tell you something, and, uh, you may not like it.
You see, the-the truth the truth is that Sam, I know what it is.
You're afraid of losing me to the world of ballet.
No, no, see, that's See, that's not what I'm afraid of at all.
Oh, my plucky little man.
I-I-I Whoo, boy! I'm just going to have to come right out and, uh, say this.
Uh, I-I hope I don't hurt your feelings here, um Please, please, please, don't do this.
Help me here, Frasier.
Diane, please, please, please, don't do this.
Sam this is one of the most genuine displays of affection you've ever shown me.
With love like this in my corner, how could I possibly fail? Yeah, well Hmm Frasier, she's not going to believe me.
Tell her.
Come on, tell her.
Diane, Diane, just a second.
There's something I've got to get off my chest.
Uh Yes, Frasier? Knock 'em dead.
Thank you.
What?! (classical music playing on piano) Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me! Miss, we're in the middle of a rehearsal.
Yes, yes, and-and you're all very wonderful, but I have something I'd like to say.
CHOREOGRAPHER: Miss, please This will only take a second.
Hold it, everybody.
(piano playing stops) Oh, you may put her down.
Kirby, please show the lady to the wings.
Oh, no, no, please.
I must prove to you that I indeed belong in your fine fraternity.
Kirby! I'm sorry, miss, but we just don't have time for this right now.
I don't have much time myself.
A dancer's career is not a long one.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
I have a dream: to be a dancer.
And in order for it to come true, you must see me dance.
Oh, yes, my technique is not quite as polished as it should be, but is that all there is to art? Mere technique? Or is it not the passion and emotion and pain that lie deep within our souls? For I have that emotion.
I have felt that pain.
I I am a feeling person, and I can communicate those feelings to you through dance, so judge me not by what my arms and legs are doing.
Judge me by what I make you feel.
No, most importantly, judge me for I must dance.
Damn it, I must! Well Oh! Thank you! You won't be disappointed.
Oh, oh! SAM (whispering): Psst! Hey! (whispering) Never mind.
(classical piano music playing)