Family Guy s05e12 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Redneck Comedy Tour featuring Stink Fleaman.
You know you're a redneck if you come from a rural area and behave as such.
Oh, that dog of mine! WHoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! You tell me how that got in there.
He's right.
Who knows how that got in there? Peter, can we please go now? This is excruciating.
Are you kidding, Brian? These men and their redneck lifestyle really speak to me.
This is the greatest show I've seen in years.
Not like the last time I was at a comedy club.
I hear this guy is hilarious.
He played Kramer, you know.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Peter, what the hell are you doing with a pickup truck? Wait, let me guess, this is because of the Redneck Comedy Festival, isn't it? "Oh, that dog of mine!" Peter, you can't suddenly decide to be a redneck just because of some show.
Some show? Lois, those men showed me the way to an identity I've been searching for my whole life.
I'm gonna do everything a redneck is supposed to do.
This is going to be more painful to watch than when he ate half a Fudgsicle in one bite.
Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle! Chris, what happened to the couch? Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said, "That's what rednecks do!" Hey, Meg, come here.
Have a seat.
- Dad, what are you doing? - Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you'll not remember until you're 40.
Meg, come back here.
I meant sex.
We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks.
I'm Carl Sagan.
Just how old is our planet? - Scientists believe it's four Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
Scientists have determined that the universe was created by God.
Big Bang.
If you look at the bones of a Jesus.
Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon-dating that Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
- Peter, do we have to watch this? - This is what rednecks watch, Brian.
Peter, that's disgusting.
Here, spit in this cup instead.
Oh, there's my apple juice.
Stewie, wait! Don't Where's my money? You gonna give me my money? Never mind.
Hey, Brian, check it out.
Peter, you painted over the back window.
Isn't that dangerous? I'm a redneck, Brian.
We like people driving behind us to know what our beliefs are.
Peter, what the hell! My car.
Oh, damn it! Hey, hey, come back.
Sorry, Quagmire.
How the hell am I supposed to get to the airport? I got to fly a plane in 20 minutes.
Oh, I can drive you.
I got a pickup truck.
See? Well, come on! - Quagmire, I'm so sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
We can go after them.
Don't worry about it, they're tagged.
Just get me to the airport.
All right, thanks a lot, Peter.
That's all the motivation I need to actually do this.
- Did we finish fueling? - Do you see the hose in the plane? - No.
- Well, then, I guess we're finished.
Thanks, George.
You want to say that one more time without the sarcasm? Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Glenn Quagmire.
We are looking at about a four-and-a-half-hour flight time today.
We got clear skies, good visibility.
The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees.
The flight's going to be a little longer than we have expected.
We've got some very strong headwinds.
Giggity.
Flight attendants, please prepare for take off.
What the hell? Oh, my God! We're going down.
Secure your own mask first and then assist the child.
But the bag is not inflating.
It's all right, even though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate.
That was too close.
Sir, we have a confirmed crash.
Flight 37 is down.
We'd better alert the mayor.
I'll have to interrupt his photo op.
My Pet Goat, page one.
"'You know,' said my pet goat, "'I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, "'but I just don't have the time.
'" "'You should make the time,' said the farmer.
" Our top story.
There was drama in the skies of Quahog today, as a Transnational 767 was forced to make a crash landing.
That's right, Diane.
As if the world weren't already scary enough, it seems you can't even get on a plane safely these days.
Channel Five has the spectacular footage.
Fortunately, no one was injured.
However, using state-of-the-art Channel Five computer technology, we'll show you how disastrous it could have been.
Here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school.
Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies.
Now here's how it would have looked if the plane had crashed into a school for bunnies, but one passenger had survived, gone home and mercilessly beat his wife.
I'm alive! But, boy, am I angry! Someone's gonna have to pay for this.
Why? Why? Is this because I overcooked the roast? Powerful stuff.
You would have to be made of stone not to feel saddened by that.
Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you.
I feel like this is partially my fault.
No, Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.
Look, I know I caused a lot of trouble, but my redneck days are over.
No more crotch shots of me getting out of a car.
Well, what are you gonna do now, Quagmire? Hey, it's all right, I got enough in my savings until I find another job.
I'll be fine.
Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my tree house.
Yeah, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen.
Which one do you think I'm more pissed about? I'll remind you that I was invited here.
- All right, who's up there? - Oh, hey, Peter.
Hey, Lois.
- Glenn, what are you doing up there? - Oh, I kind of moved in, if that's okay.
No airline will hire me after the accident.
I'm broke and jobless.
Quagmire, you belong in a tree.
You're a nut.
What? Come on down, Quagmire, you're staying with us.
Oh, great.
This is going to be worse than the time I lived with Marlee Matlin.
Hi, Stewie.
Oh, come on, Marlee! I know you can't hear them, but you got to feel those things slapping out of there.
Hey, listen, I really want to thank you guys for taking me in, in my time of need.
Oh, forget it, Quagmire.
It's the least we could do after what happened.
Hello? Oh, you must have the wrong number.
There is no one here by the name of Long Rod von Hugen Dong.
Hey, is In here, thanks.
- Okay, now add 20.
- Okay.
- Now multiply it by four.
- Okay.
- And what do you got? - 8,008.
And what does 8,008 look like on a calculator? - Oh! "Boob!" - Boob! Yeah! All right! All right! All right! Boob! What if we had two calculators and we put them next to each other? Yes, yes, yes.
Find one, yes.
Didn't mean to wake you.
Peter, you and I need to talk about Quagmire.
He's been living with us for over a month, and I think it's enough now.
Lois, I'm the whole reason he lost his job and his house.
Besides, I can't throw my best friend out on the street like a prom night dumpster baby.
Hey, what you doing out here? Don't you want to dance? Sure.
I'm just a prom night dumpster baby I got no mom or dad Prom night dumpster baby My story isn't long but, boy, it's awfully sad - And though I came from a hole - And though he came from a hole - I'm singing right from the soul - He's singing right from the soul My fanny needs a blanket and somebody to spank it I miss my mom But she's at the prom So I'm a prom night dumpster baby Prom night dumpster baby - And I'm taking a stroll - He's taking a stroll - I'm taking a stroll - He's taking a stroll - I'm taking a stroll - He's taking a stroll - I'm taking a stroll - He's taking a stroll I'm taking a stroll Besides, Quagmire doesn't even have a job.
Well, you're gonna have to help him find one, because I've had enough of him living in this house.
You're overreacting, Lois, and you can't spell "overreacting" without "ovary.
" - Because you're a girl.
- I'm not overreacting.
Hey, just an FYI.
Really, no reason to go into any greater detail than this.
Stewie should probably never use this pacifier again.
Okay, so I'll talk to him tomorrow? So how's the job hunt going? It's awful, Cleveland.
Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Yeah, you did a terrible job as my nurse.
- You make your doo-doos, Joe? - Shut up.
- You make your doo-doos? - I said, shut up.
- There's no doo-doos today.
- I'm pretty sure I smell doo-doos.
What's that in there? Doo-doos! They're stinky! Quagmire, how would you like to help me commit suicide? And then I got that job on the Starship Enterprise.
Dude, you gotta introduce me to that black chick.
Guys, the only thing I know how to do is fly a plane.
That's what I was born for.
And I'll never be happy unless I can do it again.
Then that's the only answer.
Somehow we've gotta get Quagmire his job back.
Fellows, I think I have an idea.
Okay, guys, let's go over the plan one more time.
Quagmire will pose as an airline passenger on the 6:00 fight to New York.
Then, Joe and I will sneak in to the flight attendant's lounge, while Cleveland distracts the security personnel.
Once we have the uniforms and credentials, Cleveland, Joe and I will board the plane posing as flight attendants.
Once we are in the air, we drug the pilots, at which point Quagmire is forced to step in and land the plane safely, making him a hero.
Everybody clear? Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate.
Hey, can you help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat.
- What's moose stuff? - Whatever you want it to be.
I could have sex with you or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake.
And everything in between.
Get in.
All right, I'm gonna go bring the pilots their coffee.
Hang on to something, because this ride's about to get rougher than dating a hot girl with a bad laugh.
- I really like you, Sandy.
- I really like you, too, Peter.
- Yeah? You like it when I kiss you here? - Yeah.
How about here? Oh, stop, I'm Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance, but your son stopped kicking the back of my chair.
Thank you.
Oh, no! Both the pilots are unconscious, and we are in a nose-dive.
If only there was someone on board who could save us.
I said, if only there was someone on board who could save us.
Peter, I don't see Quagmire.
- Oh, that was great.
- Thanks.
I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire.
Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your vagina may have shifted during coitus.
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Giggity Let's have sex Let us forever remember this beautiful young woman, taken from us in the bloom of youth, yet as unspoiled as when she was born.
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire, Quagmire Giggity Giggity Goo All right, I got a plane to catch.
Say, which gate is Flight 209? 209? That flight left half an hour ago.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That plane is going down.
My friends are on that plane.
They're all gonna die.
- What? Oh, no! - And that's not the worst part.
Here's the condom I said I put on.
Aren't I just the worst? - Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons.
More trouble in the skies over Quahog tonight, as a Transnational jet is apparently out of control.
Channel Five has this exclusive recording of a mayday communication from the cockpit.
Mom, Dad's crashing a plane on television.
Oh, my God! What the hell is your father doing on a plane? I don't know, but I can think of 100 better things he could be doing on television.
Hiya, kids, it's Peter Griffin's champagne dance party.
And, oh, we got a hot one today.
Holy shit! We are fucking smoking now.
Hey, there, son, mind if I have a seat? Hugh Hefner? You look like you got something on your mind.
Who the hell am I kidding? I don't deserve to be a pilot.
I've let everybody down.
- Did you do the best you could? - No.
I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.
That reminds me of a guy you might have heard of, John Holmes, the greatest porn star who ever lived.
You know what he once said? He said, " You know, I've got a 13-inch penis, "and Glenn Quagmire is the best damn pilot I've ever seen.
" John Holmes said that? You bet he did, right before he died a very painful AIDS-related death from having unprotected sex with so many people.
Excuse me, Hef, I got a plane to land.
- We are all gonna die! - I can't believe this is happening.
Help us! Help! Men, we're doing everything in our power to get you down.
Stand aside, sir.
I'll take it from here.
Peter, this is Quagmire.
Now, I want you to listen very carefully and do exactly as I tell you.
Take a firm hold of the throttle and pull the red mixture knob out slowly.
Okay.
All right, now do you see a button that looks like a drunken gay guy eyeing you from across the bar? - Yeah, I see it.
- All right, press the button right above it.
Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama.
Recently discharged pilot Captain Glenn Quagmire is apparently talking the plane down.
Ollie Williams has the story.
Ollie? I'm at the wrong airport.
Well, thanks Ollie.
Coming up, why calling every Asian man you meet "Chung King" can land an anchorman in hot water.
After this.
All right, Peter, slide the red knob all the way out.
And the second those wheels touch the ground, you hit the emergency brake.
- We made it! - Hallelujah! Get some! Well, guess there's nothing left to do but watch the end of Last Holiday.
Damn! - Oh, no, she didn't.
- Oh, yes, she did.
- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did.
- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did, Peter! I just saw it! All right, take it easy.
Glenn, we are so thrilled for you.
Yeah, I guess it didn't take too much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero.
Yeah, and I'm so happy for you, I don't even mind that I was raped in a federal prison after I was arrested for hijacking.
Well, I couldn't have done it without you guys.
You put yourselves on the line and you gave me my life back.
I'll never forget that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to work.