Frasier s05e12 Episode Script

Well, lookwho's here.
It's KACL's Frasier Crane.
And Rosemary's Bebe.
Quite a shake-up going on down at the station.
The new owner's renegotiating everyone's contract.
Before you drop another hint, my feelings about you haven't changed.
I'm here to meet one of my newer clients, a rising star of the Seattle airwaves.
What pathetic dupe have you lured into your web? Roz.
- Oh, dear God.
- You get offyour feet, little mother.
I'll fetch you a nice nourishing muffin.
- You signed to Bebe? - OK, I should have told you.
I wasn't in the mood for a lecture.
You're entitled to choose whoever you wish.
Someone who's honest or whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula.
She's got me three voice-over jobs.
She may be shifty but she helps me put food on the table.
- One muffin.
- See? I had a brainstorm about how to turn this bundle of joy into cash.
Use my baby to make money? It's high time the little slacker started pulling his weight.
Dr Clint Webber's medical show.
I see a daily segment called A Pregnant Pause: Roz Doyle's Term ofEndearment.
All of Seattle will share in the miracle happening inside you.
Your joys, hopes, morning sickness, sonograms, even the birth.
- I'll give birth on the air? - It's radio.
Just make the noises.
Hell, I'll make them myself.
- Need anything else here? - Just a shower, thank you.
You know, Mr lntegrity, you still haven't hired anyone to negotiate this big deal for you.
Could it be because you know you want to come back to me? I'm determined to make the right choice.
- You'll need somebody good.
- I intend to find someone good.
It's possible to find an agent who can drive a hard bargain and maintain high ethical standards.
Happy hunting.
Ifthings don't work out, you know my number.
Still 666, is it? Dad, we had a mix-up last night with our bags at the video store.
- Believe me, I noticed.
- There you go.
I was dismayed to see Charles Bronson blowing away street trash.
But it was quite suspenseful.
That's the way Duke and I felt about My Dinnerwith Andre.
Talk about suspense.
Will they order dessert? Will they leave a good tip? - Hello, Niles.
- Frasier, sorry to trouble you but could you recommend another couples therapist? What happened to Dr Prescott? Maris had me can Dr Prescott weeks ago.
Now she wants me to fire Dr Wilfong.
- What's wrong with him? - His criticism of her is too harsh.
Some therapists can be rather blunt.
What did he say? He asked her to refrain from catalogue shopping during our sessions.
Ifyou fire every therapist that finds fault with her, you won't make progress.
You're right.
I'll tell her, we're not going to change.
- That's that.
- Good.
There's nothing more rewarding than sticking to a principle.
Case in point, Bebe Glazer's been angling to negotiate my new contract.
I could have said yes, taken the money and run.
But, instead, I said no and I found myself a new agent, one who's every bit as smart and also ethical.
That's him now.
I don't know what he said but there's no such thing as an ethical agent.
One's just as slimy as the other.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I was making my last Meals on Wheels delivery and I swerved to avoid a pigeon.
Then splat went the food all over the stuffed bears for the toy drive.
I had to throw the bears in the wash and cook some more borscht for Mrs Popov.
This is my brother, Dr Niles Crane.
Ben.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- I'm sorry I'm running out.
You're a refreshing change from Frasier's last agent.
She would've swerved to hit the pigeon.
She would've swerved to hit Mrs Popov.
Ben, meet my dad, Martin, and this is his home healthcare worker, Daphne.
- This is Ben, my new agent.
- Very nice to meet you.
You're a pretty busy volunteer.
Ben just won this year's Seattle Samaritan Award.
Enough about me.
Let's talk about you.
May l? Before we start this negotiation, it wouldn't hurt to raise your public profile.
OK, here's my plan.
For a year I've worked for the Mercer lsland Zoo.
- Creating awareness.
- There's a zoo on Mercer lsland? You bet.
This will be great PR for both ofyou.
They just bought a rare crane.
I convinced them to name it after you.
You know, Frasier Crane.
There'll be a ceremony with full newspaper and TV coverage.
It's brilliant.
It bolsters my bargaining position and helps out a zoo.
I love this man.
It would be fun to have a crane named after me.
I just love those big pouchy mouths they scoop up the fish in.
- I think those are pelicans.
- Oh, right.
Cranes are the ones who always sound like they're laughing.
No, wait, I'm thinking of loons.
That's a coincidence.
Shoot, I got borscht on my sleeve.
- Do you have any club soda? - Right through here.
Frasier, are you sure you want to send in that Mouseketeer? Why do you assume that to be an agent you have to be an unscrupulous huckster? It is possible for a decent man to be as intimidating as the toughest shark out there.
Time to skedaddle.
I have to pick up a friend.
The poor guy just went bankrupt, so he's bunking in our rumpus room.
That's generous ofyou.
Well, he's not just a friend.
He's a client.
The press and the board members will join us in here for a buffet.
So I finish my speech and then give Mr Twembly the cue, and he brings out this marvellous creature.
Just give me the signal.
This is great.
Look at this.
Turkey, chicken wings.
Got to make you a little nervous, huh? Look, it's Toffee Macintosh from the news.
I just love her.
- Frasier.
- Toffee, thank you for covering us.
You know my motto.
"lf it happens in Seattle, it's news to me".
I'd like you to meet one of your biggest fans, Daphne Moon.
I love the way you get all sombre when you describe a flood or a murder.
Then you cheer right up the minute you're done.
It makes me think, "lf she can get over it, so can l".
That's what I'm here for.
- Ready to greet your public? - Come on, Dad.
I'll be there in a sec.
See what maternal instincts this woman has.
Even Bobo here can sense it.
I'm not the only one getting some publicity today.
- Frasier, they want to start.
- Ben, I'd like you to meet some people.
This is Bebe and Roz.
This is Ben, my new agent.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ben.
Small world.
Mr Twembly and I sang for the same choir in Salt Lake City.
Nice meeting you, ladies.
Well, when there's a dirty job to be done, you can't go wrong with a Mormon.
Scoff all you like.
The man is a genius of PR.
Good afternoon.
On behalf ofthe Mercer lsland Zoo, I would like to welcome our very special guest, Dr Frasier Crane.
Thank you, Mr Twembly.
It's appropriate that the zoo has called upon me to introduce you all to its newest resident.
You see, he happens to be a relative of mine.
What're you looking at? This is human food.
You don't see me looking at your bird food, do you? What are you doing? That's notvery nice.
Wait.
No.
Where are you going? We're both tall and have distinctive profiles.
We've both been known to winter in Mexico.
And let's not forget our voices.
Is there anything as stirring as the crane's majestic cry? - Get it off me! - Dad, are you all right? My goodness, what is going on? I'm sorry.
Nothing to be alarmed about.
Just a little family squabble.
In a shocking and gruesome incident, the Mercer Island Zoo seemed more like the Island of Doctor Moreau, as a disabled senior citizen was savagely attacked by Frasier Crane, bird of prey.
- I can't watch this.
- I can't hear any of it.
You weren't hurt badly.
You wouldn't know that to listen to Toffee.
- She makes it sound like a disaster.
- But she could smile right after.
This affair has turned into a PR nightmare.
It's your own fault for hiring Howdy Doody as your agent.
Ben had no idea that bird was going to attack you.
Besides, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
The radio are offering a cash prize for the best Frasier Crane joke.
What was the front-runner? How can you tell Frasier the crane's a psychiatrist? I can't wait to hear.
He ignores what you say, then sticks you with a large bill.
Forgive my jolly mood but Maris was over for our weekly conjugal visit.
She looked so seductive.
She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings, which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop.
She pulled me down upon the bed and began playing my spine like a zither.
Then as things were heating up, she requested again I dismiss DrWilfong.
So tremulous with desire was l that I almost relented, but then I remembered your advice, Frasier, and I said I wouldn't fire him.
So Maris told me I wouldn't be firing anything else in the foreseeable future.
And she left.
Withholding sex can be just as difficult on Maris.
Are you serious? One hour of passion can sustain her for months.
She stores it up like some sexual camel.
All right, Niles, you know that my advice was solid.
I hope you're right.
I'll get it.
- Hello.
Hello, Roz.
It's Roz.
- Thank you.
Roz, hello.
Yes, what is it? - That's a striking arrangement.
- It's from Bebe.
She's trying to woo him back.
Birds of paradise.
I suppose that's her idea of floral irony.
Thanks for the warning, Roz.
- Bye-bye.
- What's that about? The station manager won't be renegotiating the contracts himself.
Apparently he's brought in one of these hired guns stations use to reduce costs.
- Some fellow nicknamed "The Hammer".
- "The Hammer" because he's tough? No, Niles, because he loves the lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein.
If I were you, I'd give Bebe a call.
This is a pretty big negotiation.
No, Dad, I am sticking with Ben.
Maybe Bebe could use her dark arts to get me a dollar ortwo more, but my integrity is worth more than that.
- Hey, big guy.
How are you doing? - I'm fine.
People are being mean about this.
I was listening to the radio on the way over.
Ouch.
I always say, "lf life hands you a lemon, make lemonade".
- So you've got a damage control plan? - I got a way to turn this mess around and show that station manager what you're made of.
Excellent.
But you'll be dealing with a freelancer they call the Hammer.
- You've gone up against him? - I had to take a firm line with him.
I finally said, "You just clean up your language, pal.
" "l walked out of that Mamet play, I can walk out on you".
- So, about your plan.
- I think there's a way to show people you're laughing with them.
You do a photo op where you, Seattle's best-loved psychiatrist, give the crane therapy.
You sit in a chair with a pad on your lap, and the crane, properly sedated, sits on this.
- Where did you find a couch that size? - I built it myself.
I have a workshop in my attic where l make toys for the neighbourhood kids.
Look at you.
Agent, Samaritan, elf.
Dad, I like this idea.
It's droll and self-mocking.
It's a way to turn a PR embarrassment into a triumph.
Great.
I'll set up the photo op.
Don't be nervous about the Hammer.
I can be a tough customer myself.
I know you're going to give him hell.
I love show folk, but I'll never get used to the cursing.
Latte, please.
Didn't I see your picture in the paper today? There was a big bird chasing you around a little couch.
Latte, please.
I thinkyou have a real case against the maker ofthose crane sedatives.
I just wish they'd named the damned bird after somebody else.
Gregory Peck, perhaps.
Thank you for the sympathy.
You're not the only one having a rough patch.
My libido is at breaking point.
- You can't give in.
- I am getting desperate.
This morning I flirted with my manicurist.
- The one with the thing on her face? - I told you, I'm desperate.
What can be keeping Ben? After all this, you're still using Ben? Shouldn'tyou just go back to Bebe? You think if I bail on my principles, it gives you an excuse to go back to Maris.
Well, I won't do it.
Ben may have made some mistakes, but he is a good man.
He's going to make me a good deal.
Gil.
How did it go with the Hammer? You've never seen such cold, dead eyes.
It was like bargaining with Nosferatu.
- My salary's been slashed.
- I'm sorry.
- Anything else for you? - Would you nibble this provocatively? Niles! We're fine, thank you.
I wish you good luck, Frasier.
Nobody can squeeze blood from that stone.
Lattes for everyone.
Don't tell me you did well? I got a weekly spot on Clint Webber's show and a 30% raise.
- How did you get all that? - We go way back, the Hammer and l.
I know where the bodies are buried.
Usually that's just a metaphor.
So, Gil, what'll you have? My treat.
I'll be happier at the losers' table with Aunt Penny, the Story Lady.
Penny, don't put that flask away.
Well, congratulations, Roz.
I'm waiting for Ben.
We have to discuss our bargaining position.
There are so many to choose from/ kneeling, crawling, grovelling.
I'm sure he'll pick the right one.
God, she is obnoxious.
Though alluring, in a buxom-bad-girl kind ofway.
Shut up, you horny idiot.
My bandage is loose.
If Ben gets here, just tell him I went in to fix it.
We have to talk.
Are you aware you are in the men's room? If I paid attention to signs with pictures on them, I'd never get a parking space.
It's time we dropped the masks.
You need me and I want you back.
Sign this contract.
I'll cut you a deal to make Roz's look like lunch money.
Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over? You want to see a carcass? Go look in the mirror.
Look what you've let that man do to you.
Your face is riddled with bird bites, your name's a punchline and your career is five minutes from over.
And he's only been your agent for three days.
Send him in against the Hammer and you'll be doing fog reports from a lighthouse in Puget Sound.
- Admit it, you're scared.
- All right, maybe I am scared.
But there's one thing that's stronger than fear.
Faith.
Faith that a good man with a good heart can make a good deal.
- Now get out of my way.
- No, I won't let you.
You know what I've been through building your career? I have been to hell and back so often I have frequent flyer miles.
You owe me a second chance.
Take your tentacles off of me.
Please.
I won't be the same Bebe you knew.
I'll change.
I'll be like Ben only competent.
Darling, you forgot to sign.
You've reconciled.
I'll be off to Maris's.
Sit down, Niles.
I'm still with Ben.
I took my son's troop on a nature hike and Noah got a bee sting.
I rushed him to the ER and came straight here.
- We've got five minutes.
- Excuse me.
Bebe can make you a better deal.
- Listen to Roz.
- Listen to Niles.
I won't listen to any of you.
Am I the last man still willing to stand up for a principle? Shall we go over those demands for old Mr Hammer? Ben, could we have a word? Hello, Maris? I don't think it's news to you that things haven't been going so smoothly.
I think I'd feel more comfortable with Bebe.
This must seem a bit of a shock to you, but Heck, no.
I saw this coming.
When you threw that couch at me, I thought to myself, "This is not a happy client".
Thanks for understanding.
Taxi! Sign right here, darling.
I'm holding you to that promise about changing.
- I won't stand for any shady doings.
- Those days are all behind me.
Maybe you can see what you can do about diffusing this bird situation.
You don't have to worry about the crane.
It choked to death this morning.
They have no idea who would feed a bird a jawbreaker.
Bye now.
Bebe, is there any chance it wasn't you? Darling, there's always a chance.
I can live with that.