Home Improvement s05e12 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! Thank you, Heidi and everyone.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al "Be Quarantined for Christmas" Borland.
Today, Al and I start out our week-long salute to electricity.
That's right, and that's why we're wearing the flash suits worn by professional electricians.
You can take up to 20,000 volts and not get electrocuted.
Yeah.
But, Al But they look so darn cool, don't they? It's like the 90s way of saying, "Hey, I'm not gonna get fried!" Notice Tim's flame-resistant parka and color-coordinated insulated gloves.
It boasts a safety helmet with UV face-shield and it's tastefully accessorized by this matching tote bag.
You might want to wear these when you put up your Christmas lights this weekend.
Actually, I'm way ahead of you.
With this outfit I can safely replace my measly seven-watt bulbs with these You could light up an airport runway with that much wattage on your roof.
Well, maybe it's time for old St.
Nick to trade in that old sleigh for the new Boeing 777 fly-by-wire.
Tim, where are you gonna get enough juice to run something like this? Can you believe he asked "The Tool Man" that? Heidi, my generator, please.
- Here you go, Tim.
- Ha-ha-ha.
You want to plug it in for me, Al? I don't think so, Tim.
OK, then I'll do it.
All right.
Heidi, hit the switch! All right, Tim.
That's enough.
Tim? Turn it off! - Oh, Heidi, get that switch.
- Turn it off, Tim! Turn it off! Oh! That was brighter than I thought it was gonna be, Al.
Yes, it was, Tim.
All right.
Great news, guys.
This year you'll help me beat Doc Johnson in the lighting contest.
- Cool.
- I can't believe you're letting us help.
Well, you've earned it.
You're a year older, more mature, more responsible.
Since you're going out of town, you have no choice.
Hey, hey, hey! What have I always taught you what Christmas is all about? Beating the pants off an 80-year-old proctologist in a lighting contest.
- That's the spirit.
- Will we get to put up the manger? No.
I'll put up the manger when I get home.
That's my specialty.
Last year, your specialty fell through the roof.
I got the quirks worked out.
All right? Got the generator, string of lights from work.
They're up there.
Now, if any more electrical work needs to be done, I want Brad to do it.
- How come he gets to do it? - Because he's the oldest.
And I'm the only one that can fit into Dad's suit.
- Aren't you getting ready for the airport? - I am ready.
I'm just waiting for Al.
I just don't understand why you have to go away the day before Christmas.
We've been through this.
Binford is the proud sponsor of this year's Winterfest in Kinross, and Al and I play very important roles.
Tim, you are a grand marshal of an elf parade! Even little green people need a leader, honey.
Well, I don't know how you can leave me for a bunch of elves.
I'll be home before dinner.
I'm not gonna go to the pointy-shoe banquet.
- Hi, llene! Hi, Al! - Merry Christmas! - Hi, llene.
- Hi, Jill.
I brought the ingredients to make my famous pfeffernusse cookies.
Wait till you get your hands on her pfeffernusse.
Oh, I'd like to, but I'm a one-pfeffernusse guy.
Oh, that's my beeper.
I wonder who that is.
Your mother.
- Can I use your phone? - Yeah, sure.
That's the fourth time she's beeped him this morning.
I can imagine Al's mother would put stress on any relationship.
Al's mother could put stress on a 20-ton steel beam.
I'm glad she's visiting his brother for the holidays.
We'll finally be alone on New Year's Eve.
Al booked us a romantic weekend at the Hotel Trentwood.
You're coming back early? New Year's Eve? No.
llene and I aren't doing anything special.
No, we'd love to have you.
OK, great! - Al, I can't believe you! - What? I thought we were gonna be alone for a change.
Once again your mother has to wedge herself between us.
- That's a hell of a big wedge.
- Tim! Help me fix the fire and we'll let them work this out.
- Al, we're in a hurry.
- Shh.
You know, llene, I resent your attitude towards my mother.
She's a wonderful, giving woman who lights up all the lives she touches.
Oh, please! I am so sick of you putting your mother up on a pedestal! You got to admire him for having the strength to hoist her up there.
Oh, my God! I'm turning into you.
It's kind of fun, isn't it? You know, and that's another reason why llene shouldn't be upset at Mother joining us for New Year's.
You know, after a couple of Rob Roys, Mother can be quite the party animal.
Here are your drinks.
One ginger ale, one martini - double olives on the side.
- Thanks very much.
- Thank you.
Oh, I suppose mother can be needy, but how can I turn my back on the woman who nurtured me from the womb? I'm just thankful that I have a friend like you that will lend me a supportive ear That has a green olive in it! This just means the barf bag wasn't big enough to fit over my head.
I don't why llene is acting like this.
Oh, God! Maybe the plane will crash.
I have a good mind not to give llene her Christmas present.
And I had a necklace made especially for her out of coins that she collected when she went to Stockholm for the gingivitis symposium.
You gave her spare change from a bloody-gum convention? Yes.
I'm sure it's a more thoughtful gift than what you got Jill - if you got her anything.
You couldn't be further from the truth.
Why do you think I volunteered to lead an elf parade in Kinross? For the same reason as me - the prestige.
No.
Her gift is up there.
Kinross has the best bookstore in Michigan.
I ordered a book.
It didn't come in time for Christmas, - so I gotta go get it.
- What did you order? A first edition - Freud's essays.
She'll love this.
It'll be a Christmas she never forgets.
Attention.
passengers The Kinross airport's been closed due to heavy storm activity This flight will be diverted to Alpena Excuse me.
Could you tell us where the main terminal is? Take two giant steps forward.
Is there still a chance we can make it to Kinross? I don't see how.
There'll be no more flights in or out until the storm's over.
But this is an emergency! The hospital has a special helicopter.
- What's the emergency? - We're leading an elf parade.
Try me again when you're donating a kidney.
We really have to get there.
Is there a car-rental counter here? Of course.
Now, what kind of car would you like? We're running a special on convertibles.
- It's four degrees outside.
- Then I'd advise you to leave the top up.
- Could you give us a map to Kinross? - No problem.
I don't think the map is going to do you much good.
- Why not? - The roads are closed.
Well, why are we renting a car if we can't drive it anywhere? I was wondering the same thing myself.
This is just great.
Stuck here in the airport, and Jill's gift is in Kinross.
Is there any place I can look for a book here? - We have some books in our gift shop.
- And the gift shop would be? OK, can I see some of your books? Sorry.
We're closed for the holidays.
There's no way we'll make it to the elf parade.
So we're trying to get a plane back when storm clears here.
I knew it would happen.
You'll miss Christmas Eve! I've never missed a Christmas Eve.
Whatever it takes, I'm getting home.
Well, I hope so.
The boys will be really disappointed when I tell them.
Wait.
Hold on a second.
Guys, it's your father.
He's stranded and he may not make it back tonight.
- All right! - Cool! Wait a second! You don't want to see your father on Christmas Eve? It's not that.
We just want to do the lighting contest by ourselves.
- What's going on? - They're crushed.
I'm comforting them.
- Put Randy on the phone.
- Tim, I need to talk to llene.
Hold on.
I gotta tell Randy how to put the runway lights on the manger.
This is more important.
Put llene on the phone, please.
- Sugar pumpkin? - No, sweet pea.
I'll get sugar pumpkin.
Al? I think I have a solution for New Year's Eve that's gonna make everybody happy.
- You do? - Yes.
Mother rings in the New Year with us, but then we put her in a cab and have the weekend to ourselves.
Al, you are missing the whole point.
You are 37 years old.
- Don't you think it's time to cut the cord? - Cut the cord? Cut the cord?! It's the only one that'll handle the lights! This is not about your stupid lights! My relationship is hanging in the balance! So, the extension cord's OK? Al, you are gonna have to make a choice.
It is either me or your mother.
llene hung up.
There's gotta be some way out of here.
Something else.
- A snowmobile? - That would work - OK.
- if we had one.
How about a dog sled? I've got a dog, and my grandson has a sled.
- Perfect.
- Of course, my dog's a poodle.
Good.
Thank you.
I got some good news.
The storm has let up in Kinross.
- All right.
- Great! Unfortunately, it's getting worse here.
In fact, it might not let up for a couple of days.
- We'll have to sleep here in the airport? - There are some hotels in town.
- Well, we'd better hurry up and book one.
- Sorry.
They were booked up hours ago.
- But I rent out a lovely room in my house.
- OK, I'll bite.
How much? - It's going for $45 a night.
- OK.
Except in storm season.
Then it's 200.
You know, pal, I'm gonna alert the Better Business Bureau about you.
Go ahead.
Can I help you? This is the worst Christmas of my life! I'm stuck in this dinky airport! My relationship is collapsing! And I've cleaned out every cheese puff in this stupid vending machine! And we have no place to sleep.
Hey, ma'am.
Ma'am, you live around here.
Could my friend and I sleep at your house? We'll pay you money.
Perverts! See you at home, Mom.
- Why are you putting that up there? - We had a little Wise Man accident.
Yeah.
Now we have two Wise Men and a clown.
So now the three Wise Men come bearing gold, frankincense, and a seltzer bottle.
All right.
He's all tied up.
Bozo's on the roof.
Guys, why don't you take a break? llene's got cookies for you.
If they taste salty, don't say anything.
She's been crying into the batter.
I think I'll just have some milk.
Well, hi-de-ho-ho-ho, neighborette.
And a Merry Christmas! Maybe on your side of the fence.
I got boys crawling on the roof, Tim's stuck in Alpena, and a depressed orthodontist crying into her pfeffernusse.
So, Tim is stuck in Alpena, huh? That is such a lovely town.
I have a good friend who works there.
He's a clerk at the airport.
I'm so disappointed.
I wanted to give Tim his present tonight.
I got him something special.
Well, I assume it has something to do with a car or a tool.
Oh, yeah, both.
I got him a set of tools for the car.
And this thing called a power inverter.
It allows you to plug your tools right into a car lighter.
If he gets stuck in traffic, instead of swearing, he can build something.
Sounds like the perfect gift for Tim.
- Are you and Judith together? - Yes, indeedy.
This is the first Christmas we've spent together.
And I am so looking forward to giving her the sweater that I knitted for her.
- You knitted her a sweater? - Mm-hm.
Right after I sheared the sheep and spun the wool.
- Wow! - Then later on, I'm gonna fix her dinner.
- What are you making? - Lamb chops.
OK.
Thanks.
I've got some good news for you.
In the spirit of Christmas Eve, I'm slashing the price of my room back to $45.
In other words, the storm is letting up.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
You should be able to get a flight in about 15 minutes.
Finally! Would you gentlemen care for some flight insurance? No! It looks like we'll make it home for Christmas.
The only problem is I still don't know what to do about llene and my mother.
How can I choose between the woman who means more to me than anything, or my girlfriend? On the other hand, she is my mother.
But on the other hand, llene could be the mother of my children.
- On the other hand - Al, that's eight hands.
Why don't you take one of them and slap yourself? Excuse me.
Are you by any chance a doctor? No.
He's a mama's boy.
OK, let me ask you a question.
Have you ever thought about having kids? - Of course.
- That won't happen with your mother.
- Tim, you don't understand.
- Well, just try me, will ya? I made a promise before my dad died that I would take care of my mother.
- And I just I can't turn my back on her.
- No one's asking you to do that.
I think llene just wants to feel that she won't take a back seat to your mother.
I mean, is she or is she not the most important woman in your life? She's the most important woman under 50.
- You gotta do better than that, Al.
- I don't know if I can! When you made that promise to your dad, don't you think he would've wanted you to fall in love and have a family? - You're right.
- I know I'm right.
If your dad were here now, what would he say to you? "Al, stay with Mother.
I'm going to the track.
" I see your point.
I think I have to set some limits with my mother.
Yes.
And I'm gonna start by getting rid of this stupid beeper.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen.
we're approaching the Detroit metropolitan area Now.
unfortunately.
visibility is so low that we are unable to land It looks like we may be diverted to Toledo This is unbelievable.
This is unbelievable! I won't be home for the first time at Christmas.
I have no gift for Jill.
- I won't see the boys' Christmas lights.
- Have some faith, there's still time.
It's hopeless.
The kids'll be lighting it up now anyway.
Wait a minute A tremendous beam of light has just broken through the fog That's my house! Those are our lights! I've just heard from the tower that we now have visibility and will be able to land after all - All right! - Hey! If he lands there, he's gonna land right on the manger.
Wait a minute.
What's that clown doing next to baby Jesus? I can't believe we won the lighting contest.
And helped land a plane.
Well, this just proves one thing, guys.
Dad's been holding us back all these years.
Oh, Al.
I'm so glad we're back together again.
Me, too.
And you know, it was the easiest decision of my life.
It's a power inverter.
All these tools for the car - I love this.
Thanks.
- OK, my turn.
- All right.
You're gonna love it.
Undo this all right.
It's a beeper! Well, I figured, you know, if any time I wanted to tell you I love you, I can just do it 24 hours a day now.
Gee, Tim! I'd love to tell you how touched I am, but I have to call Al's mother.
- We have to sleep here in the airport? - Afraid not.
It's, like, we can't have people walking around outside of the aircraft.
What are you gonna do? Drive to Detroit? Pilot, there's people outside of the airplane.
You're way too low.
You should be able to get a flight in about 15 minutes.
Finally! Would you gentlemen care for some flight insurance? No! OK.
But if your plane crashes, you'll be sorry.