Modern Family s05e12 Episode Script

Okay, everybody.
Cake time! Thank God.
I really have to study.
Oh, sweetheart, can't you just take a minute to enjoy it? It's your birthday.
You put too much pressure on yourself.
I remember my sweet 16.
I wanted a theme party.
"Moonstruck" had just come out, but I hadn't, so -- No stories, no time -- S.
A.
T.
s.
Here we go, everybody.
Ha Wait, wait.
We all know why we're here.
- Ay, honey, you missed one -- - I know! - I know I missed one! I'm not an idiot! - Whoa.
There! Happy?! - Whoa.
You're being a little -- - Obstreperous?! Recalcitrant?! Truculent?! I was gonna say "cray-cray.
" - Alex, sweet-- - I really need to focus! There is a 16-year-old science prodigy studying cancer research at Johns Hopkins! I'm eating cake! - Hey.
- No, no, no.
Cake! Cake! Cake! Alex might be a little bit fragile after last night, so let's try to be sensitive.
Oh, believe me -- I am going to be nothing but nice to Alex from now on.
If she snaps and goes on a rampage, who do you think she's coming for first? She's not going on a rampage.
I bet she'd let me live.
She likes me.
I'm just gonna say it -- I never trusted her.
Oh, everybody just be normal.
We're gonna treat her exactly the way we usually do.
- And there she is! - Hey-oh! - Hi, pretty girl.
- How'd you sleep? - Fine.
- Your hair looks super-soft, Al.
And is that a great new sweater? Love! Dad, can you hand me the butter knife? No! Haley, Luke, upstairs, please.
Thank you.
Thanks.
So, about my meltdown.
Who? What meltdown? I want to see a therapist.
I did some research.
Dr.
Gregory Clark -- highly recommended, specializes in teenagers, and is covered by our insurance.
I booked a double session with him today.
And since you guys have the open house, I will be taking the bus.
- Okay.
- That sounds good.
She's like a self-cleaning oven.
- Hey! - Hey.
Check it out.
I'm rockin' the old school for the open house today.
I'm gonna put the "fizz" back in "phys ed.
" I love it -- all of it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because I want to make a good impression today.
I want to be the teacher all the parents are talking about.
Well, that explains the socks.
- What? - Huh? There's a caste system at school -- academic teachers at the top, gym teachers at the bottom.
It's offensive and disrespectful.
They treat us like we're lunch ladies.
Hey, there, neighbor.
Oh, hey.
- It's Asher, right? - Yeah.
Um, I just wanted to let you know -- I think there might be something - wrong with your air conditioner.
- Oh, really? Yeah, I mean, it just seems to be running a lot, even when it's, uh, kind of cool outside.
Oh.
No, no.
Um, my partner runs a little hot.
Not as hot as our planet.
Sorry.
I don't mean to be that guy.
It's just, um, we're all in this together.
Yeah, I drive a Prius, so And that's a nice little gesture.
My car runs on reclaimed cooking oil.
I have some literature, if you want it.
That's okay.
Save the paper.
I haven't printed anything since 2004.
- I was gonna e-mail you.
- On your power-hungry computer? My entire house is solar-powered.
I sell energy back to the grid and use that money to save polar bears.
I'm an environmental lawyer, so, you know, I'm pretty green.
Mm.
So is your lawn.
I went drought-tolerant -- succulents, indigenous plants, rock garden.
My other daddy says your yard looks like a litter box.
She's a cute kid.
I remember when she was in disposable diapers.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Why do you look like that when I look like this? My friends say it's because of your money.
No, I'm just saying why is she all dressed up for a school open house? I want to impress Manny's history teacher.
I want Manny to go to Washington, D.
C.
Yeah, junior congress.
Only one kid in the whole grade gets picked to go.
I think I can make a difference.
Regular congress can't even make a difference.
Don't worry, Manny.
I have it covered.
You just go and enjoy your date.
I have a date.
It's no big deal.
D-don't make a whole thing about it.
What did I do with my car keys? I mean, we're just friends now, but I have a good feeling.
- I know -- don't get ahead of myself.
- Every time I put them down.
- What is her name? - Either Zoe or Piper.
How can you be going on a date and you don't know her name? - This is where it gets interesting.
- I seriously doubt that.
A few days ago, we almost let a girl come between us.
- Who is she? - The new girl.
- She's pretty.
- Super-pretty.
Dibs.
What?! N-no.
You can't call dibs.
She's a human being with feelings, not the front seat.
Then a miracle happened.
Twins -- each as pretty as the other.
It's funny -- Luke and I don't usually go for the same kind of girl.
Yeah.
I like to describe my type as "gettable.
" What are you doing, Tucker? Oh, hey, Principal Brown.
Do you know how other teachers drone on and on to parents with their boring lectures? Well, I thought I would go another way.
Oh.
Well, I don't like the sound of that at all.
I think you will.
I'm gonna spice things up with a spirited game of dodgeball.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Okay, before you say "no" - I already said "no.
" - let me show you my whole bit.
- Uh-huh.
Howdy, folks.
My name's Tucker.
I'm the sheriff of Dodge Ball.
- Oh.
- "Laugh, laugh, laugh.
" - And then -- - No.
No "then.
" No.
Have you seen the shape some of these folks are in? We don't need a parent dropping dead in here.
Look, this is the "Dolphin den.
" I am not renaming it the Harvey K.
Mandelbaum memorial gym.
But I was gonna divide everybody up into the Hatfield and McCoys.
Just no dodgeball.
Hello, Mr.
Ingram.
I am Gloria Delgado-Pritchett, Manny's mother.
Yes, of course.
I just wanted to thank you so much.
He thinks the world of you.
You know, as a child of an immigrant, he can look at the world with such a fresh perspective.
And talking about fresh, I brought you some empanadas.
Subtle.
Hey, Phil.
Where's Claire? Oh, she's going to Alex's classes.
I'm doing Luke's.
I'm surprised to see you here.
- Isn't your team playing today? - Yeah.
Gloria made me come.
I think I'm recording the game, but, you know, you can never know.
The last time, I got six hours of Bravo.
And who knows? Maybe Manny's going to be the first Latino president.
Hello, Mr.
Ingram.
Dr.
Donna Duncan, Wesley's mom.
Just brought you a little thank-you for being his absolute favorite teacher ever.
- Those cupcakes are so white.
- Thank you.
- Dr.
Donna Duncan.
- I'm Gloria.
We've met several times.
Oh, of course.
- Mario's mom.
- Manny.
And how is he fitting in now? Better? Anyway Here she is.
You brought a flask to an open house? - You want some? It's scotch.
- No.
Put it away.
Don't be such a goody-goody.
Taste it.
It's older than you are.
- I don't want any scotch.
- Well, just smell it.
- Fine.
- Mr.
Dunphy, is that a flask? No.
It is.
It I-- - Uh, I was -- it's his.
- No, it's not.
For the record, no alcohol is allowed on school premises.
For God's sake, Phil, it's 2:00 in the afternoon.
So, Alex, tell me why you're here.
I had a little meltdown last night, and I'm afraid it'll happen again but, this time, in the middle of the S.
A.
T.
s or something.
Why do you think you melted down? I'm stressed.
It's my junior year.
Part of me feels like the limbic system in my brain's a bit off.
That's a thing, right? I did some research.
You know I charge the same even if you diagnose yourself? I'm just trying to move this along.
I have a lot to do.
Well, uh, this is a process.
You know, it takes some time.
What -- what are you thinking? - Nothing.
- No, no.
Go ahead.
Tell me.
That maybe you're not up for this.
I mean, no offense.
- You're just a lot older than you look on your website.
- Oh.
Did you even have S.
A.
T.
s when you were in High School or Asian kids? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
But there were other things I worried about -- Spanish inquisition, sailing off the edge of the world, learning how to understand fire.
Sorry.
- You mind if we try something? - What? Just do me a favor.
Take a deep breath.
Great.
Now what's on your mind? Well I just remembered that I forgot to charge my computer before I left and that I have to get new index cards before Monday.
Hopefully they don't run out of the blue ones, because, for some reason, those help me study better.
Maybe it's because they're easier to read or maybe my prescription's getting worse.
I should probably make an appointment with the eye doctor.
Also, should I get a job this summer or would an internship look better on my application? And what is up with Hillary? Is she going to run or not? I mean, I feel like she'd totally understand the feeling of being overwhelmed, but also like you're not doing enough at the same time.
Wow.
- Hey, Nina, how's Sanjay? - Oh, great.
Thanks.
He's just dealing with the S.
A.
T.
s and the A.
C.
T.
s and that merit scholarship application everyone's so stressed about.
What -- what application? Let's begin by talking about the A.
P.
Physics test, which, as you know, takes place on May 21st.
With Luke and Haley, I'm on top of everything because they aren't.
But Alex is so self-sufficient, I just sort of put it in cruise control.
I've fallen asleep at the wheel, and now my little genius is covered in cake.
Now, a list of practice tests I recommend the students take before then Meanwhile, a great artist like Bob Dylan would get voted off in the first round, which -- if you wet the end, it will stick to his face.
- You're a genius.
- Piper, that's rude.
You know, Manny, in chorus, we sing "Blowin' in the wind.
" Now that's blowin' in the wind.
You're funny, Luke.
Manny and I need to use the restroom.
We do? You've got to switch with me.
What? No, we can't do that.
They're twins.
They'll never notice.
You realize we're not twins, right? Special dollhouse delivery for Lily! It's here, it's here! I think you're going to love it.
I spent so many hours playing with this when I was your age.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, quick, turn off your car.
Why? It's in park, I think.
I have a judgey green neighbor.
He had the nerve to come over here and tell me that I'm not green enough.
Shut up! You're super-green.
Thank you.
I'm -- I'm recycling a Dollhouse.
I even recycled a child.
- Didn't you win some award? - Yes, yes.
The State Bar Association award for sustained excellence in the field of environmental Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the one.
Law.
There was one word left.
You didn't have to cut me off.
Dollhouse, please.
- Okay.
- Yeah, in a minute.
- You know what you should do? - Hmm? March right over there and wave that trophy in his stupid eco face.
No.
You think? Yes.
Those people are so annoying.
There's this girl at my school who was all over me about my boots 'cause they're leather.
Meanwhile, she's wearing crocs, like those aren't endangered.
You know what? I am gonna do that.
Show him to out-green me.
- Okay.
Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
All right, those are blowing into his yard.
That is -- okay, that's definitely gonna hurt my case.
Uh, you pick these up.
I'm gonna go get the trophy.
Lily, help her.
I heard that "recycled child" comment.
Thanks to your little flask, now the teacher thinks I'm a burnout.
Football game.
Football game! - What are you doing? - You can do this now.
- I saw it in a commercial.
- Not with that phone.
You might as well say it into your wallet.
Come on.
We're gonna be late for math.
- I'm not going to any more boring classes.
- You're just gonna cut? No, I'm just not gonna go because I'm in my 60s.
Teacher's lounge.
They got a TV in here.
- We can't go in the teacher's lounge.
- Why not? - Um, it's for teachers only.
- You're a teacher.
Right now, you're teaching me how to be a little bitch.
Jay, don't.
Jay.
Jay! So, when do you think you'll be making your decision? Oh, sometime in the next week or so.
Oh, take your time.
It would be rude to rush you.
Not as rude as interrupting two people in the middle of a conversation.
Well, actually, I'll go.
I'm gonna go grab some coffee.
Good idea because those cupcakes look very dry.
Okay.
This is unbelievable.
They just gave me four books on applying to top colleges.
When am I gonna have time to read all this? Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't see you there.
Come on, girls.
Oh, she's so mean.
- Everybody sees me.
- Who was that? Dr.
Dooda Dada.
She thinks that she can flirt her son all the way to Washington, but I'm gonna take her down.
- I would love to chat, but I got to get to A.
P.
Calc.
- Okay.
Physical education is a critical part of every school day.
As we develop the mind, so we must the body.
This begins with good nutrition, uh, physical activity, sportsmanship, and attention to personal hygiene.
No, please, please, please don't go.
I know this is boring, but this isn't my idea.
I wanted to play a spirited game of dodgeball, but -- That sounds fun.
I'll play dodgeball.
I'll play, too.
Anything's got to be better than this.
Oh, well, you know what? We're really not supposed to, but you know what? Hey, guys, listen to this.
My name's Cam.
I'm the sheriff of Dodge Ball.
Okay, you guys are the Hatfields.
You are the McCoys.
Mr.
Mandelbaum, I'd like you to stay seated.
You're gonna be our referee.
All right, everybody, let's dodgeball! Dodgeball was a smash.
Dr.
Donna and Gloria were like two assassins just picking off their victims one by one.
Okay, last two dodgeballers.
Are you ready? Yes.
Are you ready? Yes! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm going to kill you! Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, don't! - Ow! My eye! - I don't understand you! So, you like theater, and you just put this fake thumb in our fries.
Yep.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say we're with the wrong people.
Let's just switch dates and get this party started.
What? We don't want to switch.
Yeah.
I'm not attracted to you.
And I'm not attracted to you.
Wait a minute.
We like all the same things, but you don't think I'm cute? I've got a thing for Latin men.
I like 'em dumb.
- Ugh.
Well, that's just offensive.
- And shallow.
Just because we're guys doesn't mean we don't have feelings.
Yeah.
I don't feel good about this.
It makes me feel Bad.
Come on, Luke.
Let's get out of here.
Our parents aren't home.
If you want, we'll make out with you.
I'm not proud of what happened next.
I am.
He's not home.
How's the cleanup going? - Well, I think I got most of them.
- You've been at this a while.
How come you only have like eight peanuts? Instead of carrying them around, I made a huge pile right over th-- - Again?! - Geez.
They're everywhere.
Oh, God.
No! Bird! Aah! Oh, no! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! What is that smell?! It smells like French fries! It's biodiesel.
Can you plug it up? - Oh, what? With what? Popcorn? - Oh, geez.
Oh, God.
- No! - My boots! This is a disaster! Save the seals! What -- what -- what -- what the hell? What did you do? Uh, I won a green award.
That's what.
You think you can get this thing to work? Hey, you're supposed to be the lookout.
- What if somebody walks in? - Gee, they'll call my parents.
Hey! Look! You did it! Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.
Listen, I'm gonna get back to class.
Before you go, let me ask you a question.
How do you know how to do all this stuff? Back in High School, I was in the A.
V.
club.
We did all kinds of crazy things.
One year, we hid a microphone in the gym.
We could totally hear everything that was going on at prom.
I used to make fun of guys like you.
This is pretty cool.
Really? You think this is cool - First down! - All right.
Best open house ever.
It's all gravy when you're in the A.
V.
Admit it -- doesn't it feel good to break a few rules, take a walk on the wild side? - You're welcome.
- No, you're welcome.
I'm the one who set this whole thing up.
Let's just say we make a good team.
To us.
There he goes.
There he goes.
- Come on, come on! - Come on! - Come on! - Yeah! I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
Can you give me an example? Well, when I was little, I was in a spelling bee at school and I really wanted to win.
I don't know why.
There was no prize.
No one cared.
My parents didn't even know I was in it.
I just felt this weight on my shoulders, like if I lost, I'd I don't know.
- I just had to win.
- And did you? Yep.
Know what the winning word was? Responsibility.
Is that what you feel? A responsibility to win all the time? To always be the best? That's one way to put it.
And this responsibility -- where does it come from? I'm not sure.
It's just there.
So it's an internal pressure.
Kind of.
I mean, once you start overachieving, people expect things from you.
Like what people? You know, the world Teachers, parents, other kids.
It's not all internal.
Don't get me wrong.
I like the way I'm wired.
It's what's going to get me into a good school.
It's what makes me who I am.
And how is that -- being who you are? I don't know.
Mostly good.
A little exhausting.
Sometimes hard.
I guess there's your answer.
It's hard being me.
Tell me a little more about your family.
They're pretty normal, I guess.
I'm not like any of them, - but that doesn't really bother me.
- Ever? Only when they say things like "Alex, you study too much" or "don't freak out" or "go do something fun.
" So, your siblings -- they don't experience the same pressures you do.
Oh, God, no.
They don't care about school.
Hmm.
Why do you think that is? I mean, you all grew up in the same house with the same parents, yet you're the only one who feels this enormous pressure to achieve at such a high level.
Why do we even have to talk about my family? They don't have anything to do with this.
They don't get me.
How's that feel? - I don't know.
- You're a smart girl.
- Try a little harder.
- I said I don't know.
I feel Kind of alone.
I realize our juniors are busy with S.
A.
T.
s, so as a rule, I only give two hours of homework a night.
- Two hours? - Our students are highly advanced.
It's nothing they can't handle.
You know, I'm -- I'm sure they can.
It's just that if they have two hours in this class and they have an hour for A.
P.
Bio and an hour and a half for, um, advanced lit and -- hang on one second.
Let me just do this on the board, 'cause then it's -- um, we got 2 and 1 and 1.
5 and then another, uh, hour and a half for A.
P.
History -- gives us - It's 6.
- Yes! Nina, I was getting there.
Thank you! Thank you so much! If I could just have a second to think without all the tippy-tappy typing.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You've ruined dodgeball for everyone.
She was the one who threw that ball in my face.
Only because you threw yourself at Mr.
Ingram.
Okay, ladies, please.
Can't you see what's going on here? You both just want what's best for your kids.
- Huh? - I need to get this trip for Wesley.
I'm tired of him being so mad at me all the time.
Why is he mad? Oh, he blames me for the divorce.
His father will always be the hero.
It's hard to blame someone who's never there.
Now, can't you relate to that? It will get better.
Kids always figure out who's really there for them.
Again, we're very sorry about the projector.
I'll send a check on Monday.
- Hi, honey.
- I got in trouble.
Whatever she did, add it to my tab.
- All right, let's do this.
- No.
No, no, no.
Not you two, just you.
Come on, sheriff.
Oh.
Oh, hey, honey.
How did it go? Good.
And I made another session for next week.
- Hmm.
- How was the open house? Wow.
So intense.
I had no idea the kind of pressure you're under.
Honey, I was just you for two hours.
I could barely hold it together.
I don't know how you don't have a meltdown every day.
I -- oh, honey.
Sweetie, what? Did I say something? Yes.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Again, I am so sorry.
I-I guess, in retrospect, it was a little crazy that I wanted to show you my state bar association award.
Stop.
And it's possible I come on a little too strong.
No.
No, no.
I like to think that I'm greener than I am, but maybe I just want the credit without doing all the hard work that you do.
Well, you're right -- it is hard, but, you know, it's also alienating.
You know, no one wants to be friends with me.
I-I can't tell you the last time I had people over for dinner, which is probably a good thing.
You know, with solar power, it takes four days to roast a chicken.
- Really? - If you want it cooked all the way through, yeah.
- Hmm.
- You know I had salmonella three times? If you want to come over to our house for dinner, we kind of owe you.
You can play with my dollhouse.
- Yeah? - Is it made from sustainable materials? - Forget it.