Seinfeld s05e12 Episode Script

The whale's supposed to be an intelligent animal.
You hear about how they communicate by song from miles away how extensive their vocabulary is.
From the rate we're pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean, the words "shore" and "close" do not appear to be in their vocabulary.
I'd say to them, "Concentrate less on the singing a little more on the approaching Cuervo beach volleyball tournament if you want to maintain that brainy-mammal image.
" I can't believe this.
What a dope! Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
This is.
This is kind of embarrassing but there's no toilet paper over here.
Are you talking to me? Yeah.
I just forgot to check, so if you could spare some.
No, I'm sorry.
-What? -No, I'm sorry.
I can't spare it.
-You can't spare it? -No.
There's not enough to spare.
Well, I don't need much.
Just three squares will do it.
I'm sorry, I don't have three squares.
Now, if you don't mind.
Three squares? You can't spare three squares? No, I don't have a square to spare.
I can't spare a square! Well, is it two-ply? Because if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply.
One ply.
One puny little ply.
I'll take one measly ply! Look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply! No, no, don't go! I beg you! I love this artificial flavoring.
I like it better than butter.
I think it's more consistent.
You would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hey, where's my popcorn, babe? -What? My popcorn.
You were supposed to get me popcorn.
Did you forget about me, babe? You would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom.
I mean, a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.
I simply could not spare it.
This woman just didn't get it.
She kept harassing me.
Three squares! That's all I was asking for.
Three squares! She wouldn't stop.
"Help me! Help me!" She was insane.
I was begging her.
"Please, please!" She was insane.
Who does she think she is? How dare she? Do you want me to get the manager? Too bad they don't have old ladies walking around with flashlights.
-Flush her out.
-I don't even know what she looks like.
I wonder where Elaine is sitting.
I really wanted you to meet her.
She's supposed to be here with her new boyfriend.
I wonder where Jerry's sitting.
He's supposed to be here with his new girlfriend.
-I'm dying to see what she looks like.
-Hey.
You think if I jumped off that balcony, I'd get hurt? -Hey.
Hey, guy.
-Hey.
Can I use your phone in your bedroom? What's the matter with yours? My batteries are dead.
It's not one of those 9 76 calls, is it? Come on.
Let me use it.
Five minutes.
I'll pay you back.
Why do you do that? I am never going to the movies again.
Where were you last night? I looked for you.
I looked for you too.
I was over on the side.
Oh, with pretty boy Tony.
-Yeah, right.
Okay.
-"Hey.
Hey.
" Tony.
-"Hey.
" -That's nice.
Listen to this.
I am in the bathroom, right, before the movie starts and I'm in the stall, and there's no toilet paper.
No what? Toilet paper.
So I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! Well, maybe she couldn't spare it.
-A square? -Well, you know sometimes a square is everything.
-A ply? -Elaine, you cannot judge a person in a situation like that.
It's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert.
-It's battle conditions.
-Yeah, well I just hope I run into her again, okay? Because I will never forget that flinty voice.
It is tattooed in my brain.
If I hear it, watch out.
So listen, what happened with Jane last night? Jane, she.
She.
The four of us are going out Saturday.
That should be fun.
Yeah, that should be real fun.
-It's getting late.
Can I call Tony? -Yeah.
Then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.
How's that, Andre? -Andre? -What about the driver? -We'd get in an accident.
-So what? Well, that wouldn't be very good.
Hey, Andre, get the hell off the phone! -What is going on? Who is Andre? -Kramer's Andre.
He's fooling around with these 9 76 numbers.
Hey, I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone! Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone-sex thing is hilarious.
Like this Erica woman.
Here, look.
You gotta call her.
What a voice she uses.
You know, it's weird, because that voice sounded familiar to me.
-You hungry? Wanna--? Monk's? -No.
I gotta go downtown.
-You're giving me a lift home, right? -Yeah.
So listen, what happened last night with Jane? Oh, nothing.
She just choked on a Jujube.
You know, I hate to tell you this, but it is time to defrost your freezer.
I know.
I just can't bring myself to do it.
Meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller.
Don't wanna keep Tony waiting.
-Hey, you got a problem with Tony? -Hunky Tony.
"Hey.
" Okay.
Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like.
-Of course you would.
-Oh, yeah.
Like you're one to talk.
-Elaine -What? it's different for a man.
We're expected to be superficial.
-I'm not being superficial.
-Elaine, he's a male bimbo.
He's a "mimbo.
" He's not a mimbo.
He is an exciting, charismatic man who just happens to have a perfect face.
And that's why you're going out with him.
No, it is not.
You know, I think George has a non-sexual crush on him.
I think he does too.
I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that.
George is like a schoolgirl around him.
So I said: "Hey, dude you better step off.
" -Step off? -Yeah.
You said, "Step off"? God, that is too much! Hey, hey, Tony I just had this brainstorm for us.
-Can you guess what it is? -No.
Bowling.
What do you say? Bowling, huh? Bowling's insane! Bowling is crazy time! Bowling? I don't think so, George.
You get no rush from bowling.
Rush? You want a rush? Drop a ball on your toe, my friend! Talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing! -You'll see visions! -No, no, no.
I'm thinking rock climbing.
All right! Rock climbing! Just the two of us? All right.
All right.
Hey, I'll make some sandwiches.
What do you like? Tuna, peanut butter? -Whatever.
-All right.
I gotta buy some bread.
You know, I am definitely down for some rock climbing.
Yeah, me too.
I am down.
I am totally down.
Mark me down.
Cool.
So, what do you say we climb a rock mañana? Mañana.
Mañana might be a problem.
I'm supposed to have a boil lanced mañana and I think they charge me if I cancel with only one mañana's notice.
-Hey, Kramer! -Hey, Tony.
-Hey! -Hey, Georgie.
Kramer, my man, what are you doing mañana? Mañana I'm doing nada.
What do you say you scale some rock with me and George? Tony, that's gonna be too many sandwiches.
Come on, Kramer.
What do you say? Kramer, it's pretty dangerous up there.
-No, I'm down.
-Yes! -Yeah! I'll see you.
-All right, buddy.
Take it easy, Kramer.
You down, George? What's wrong? -Oh, no, I am down.
-Yeah! Rock climbing? Where do you come off going rock climbing? Rock climbing? You need a boost to climb into your bed.
All right.
All right.
What is it with you and Tony? What, you're his sidekick now? Yeah.
That's right.
I like it.
He's such a cool guy.
"A cool guy"? What, are you in eighth grade? He's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my life.
It's a different world when you're with a cool guy.
He's not afraid of anybody.
You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.
He gets free pie! -Hey.
-Hey.
-Nice move today.
-What? Horning in on my rock-climbing trip! It's just supposed to be me and Tony.
-He asked me.
-You put him on the spot.
You know, I think that you're in love with him.
What? -That's ridiculous! -No, no.
I don't think so.
You love him.
You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy.
And you're not getting any sandwiches either! -You're making sandwiches? -Hello? I don't know if there's gonna be places to eat up there.
-Who? -Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter? Hates it.
Good thing I asked.
Who is it? -Well, she says Jane.
-Yeah, so? Well, that voice, it's very familiar.
Throaty, almost flinty.
-Did you say "flinty"? -Yeah.
Yeah.
Flinty.
Hello! Hello! Hey, George, you hear that echo? Oh, God, please get off me! I don't want to die up here! Please! Please, please stop moving.
That's all I ask of you.
-Kramer! Kramer! -Let go! Hey! George, let go of my leg! Grab the rock! -Grab the rock! -What rock? The rock in front of you! Come on, grab it! You've gotta relax.
Try to yodel.
Yodel.
-That's it.
That's it.
-George! Kramer! -Yeah? -Take the rope thread it through the carabiner and knot it.
Then I'll climb up to where you are.
-All right.
George, you got it? -Yeah.
-You got it, George? -Yeah.
All right, take it.
Hey, George, you got anything to eat, dude? Yeah, I.
I got some sandwiches.
I got tuna and salmon salad, Tony because I know you don't like peanut butter.
What? Do some-- I've got oil all over me.
Can I have your napkin? -What? -Your napkin.
I'm dripping.
-Well, where's your napkin? -I used it up.
Well, I need mine.
Oh, God, look at the time.
I gotta get to work.
You know, I'd like to hear about this job of yours.
I told you already, it's very boring.
You know, I think I had a little too much garlic.
-Can I have a piece of your gum? -You're fine.
-Oh, how's this thing work? -Just press it.
-It's Elaine.
-Oh, come on up.
-Who is it? -It's Elaine.
-Is she coming up? -Yeah.
Your breath is a little garlicky.
You better take some gum.
-Okay.
-Here, have a couple pieces.
It's weak.
Weak gum.
Yeah.
-Have some more.
For the road.
-Isn't that too much? Trust me.
Believe me.
-It's good.
Yes.
-Smells? Yeah.
Stinks.
Terrible.
-Hi, Elaine.
-Hi.
How are you? This is Jane.
Elaine.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Nice to meet you finally.
It is so nice to meet you.
I look forward to Saturday night.
Yeah, me too.
-Okay, so I'll see you Saturday night.
-Saturday night.
What is with the gum? It's a big problem.
She puts like four pieces in her mouth.
It's ridiculous.
I don't think we can get together Saturday.
-Because of the gum? -Well, it's too much.
It's embarrassing.
-Why does she chew so many? -She always has to be different.
-She's in there.
I can hear her.
-All right, who's gonna tell her? -You tell her.
-It was your fault.
If you hadn't come, it wouldn't have happened! I was the one who was invited, you-- -Well, look.
Look who's here.
-Hey! -What are you doing here? -You're alive! Yeah.
Yeah.
-Did you have fun? -Yeah.
-Well.
Yes.
-For a little while.
Where's Tony? Kramer was supposed to tie a knot-- -You were supposed to tie the knot.
-What, did something happen? Well Tony took a bit of a tumble.
His face? Did something happened to his face? Well, it all depends on what you mean by "happen.
" -He's alive.
-Yeah.
What happened to his face? Tell me, what happened? Well, you see, he slipped and landed on a kind of a.
-A rock.
-Yeah.
-The ambulance got there quickly.
-A big rock.
We rode with him to the hospital.
Yeah.
I sang "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.
" Well, aside from that, how'd he like the sandwiches? So, what did the doctor say? They said.
-They said I'm coming along.
-Yeah.
But what else did they say? Well, let's see.
They said: "Tony, try to keep it clean.
" Right.
Yeah.
No, I mean did they get into stuff like Iong, jagged scars or gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that? I really don't remember.
I was kind of out of it the first couple of days.
I was on a lot of medication.
It was kind of like a haze.
It was pretty cool.
But, you know, in this medicated haze in this sort of woozy state do you recall the words "radical reconstructive surgery" being uttered? I don't know.
I don't know.
-Think, Tony.
Think.
-I'm drawing a blank, babe.
Excuse me.
-Hi, Elaine.
-Yeah, this-- -This isn't a very good time, George.
-I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute.
Step off, George.
I don't want to see you.
-Me? Step off? -Yeah.
Tony says you better step off, George, so.
But why? It wasn't my fault.
l-- You asked me for a sandwich.
l-- I made such delicious sandwiches, Elaine.
Just beat it, dude! Here, Elaine, here.
It's Superman.
Tony, please.
Next time, it'll just be the two of us.
There won't be any next time, George.
-Oh, Tony, don't.
-Okay.
Step off, George, okay? Can you just step off? Step off.
Step off.
Step off.
-George, wait, wait.
-Yes? Would you throw this trash out? Oh, I've been waiting a while for this.
It's a shame Tony got all banged up.
We're not gonna be able to get together.
-Oh, that's too bad.
What a shame.
-Yeah, it is.
It's a damn shame.
A damn shame.
-Maybe when he's feeling better.
-Yeah.
Without a doubt.
I'm down.
-Oh, hey.
How you doing? -Hey, hey.
-Jane, this is my neighbor, Kramer.
-Oh, hey.
Hello, Kramer.
Well, hello, Jane.
Jerry's told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately.
I don't think so.
No, we never met.
-I never talked to you on the phone.
-Where you going? -Uptown.
To the Y.
-I'm going uptown.
Wanna split a cab? What about the driver? What are you talking about? I changed my mind.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go now.
All right, I'll see you later.
Nice meeting you.
See you.
-What's with you? -That's her.
-Who? -Erica! She's Erica! Oh, you think she's Erica, the phone-sex woman? Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, it's her.
-I'm telling you, it's her! -Oh, you're crazy.
Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? -It's impossible! -Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top? -It can't be! -Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you? -All right.
That's enough.
-Yeah! He's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.
-What if? -What? You know: You're afraid he might look like Zippy the Pinhead.
Yeah.
I mean, what is my obligation here? You know, we were just dating.
It was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway.
I thought you didn't care about his looks.
I lied.
Are you kidding? He's a mimbo.
I know that.
But he's my mimbo.
And even if he is a hideous freak maybe I can learn to love him.
And maybe in some final irony I'll learn what love really is.
You know, Jerry? I'm sorry.
I didn't get most of that.
-Is that Kramer over there? -Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Kramer.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-It's all set.
-What's all set? Erica's gonna meet me here.
Now we're gonna find out the truth.
-How'd you get her to meet you here? -We have a certain chemistry.
Oh, my God! Hi.
I thought I'd find you here.
-Hello, Erica.
-Erica? What are you talking about? How could you say things like that over the phone? What are you talking about? Selling sexual pleasure on the phone? I sell paper goods, you jerk.
Paper goods? Excuse me.
Do you have a tissue? No, I'm sorry.
I can't spare it.
There's just not enough to spare.
Where's the ladies' room? I have to go to the bathroom too.
Oh, damn.
Something wrong? Yeah, there's no toilet paper in here.
I usually check.
Would you mind? I can't.
I don't have it.
I don't have a square to spare.
I can't spare a square.
Hey, wait a minute.
-I know you! -That's right, honey.
-And I know you! -No.
Wait! No! -Here.
Take it.
-Thanks.
Don't call me anymore.
You either.
Now, of course, the thing is extreme sports.
Bungee jumping.
To me, the bungee jumping is a sport, so is being a crash-test dummy.
Just leaning does not make it a sport.
It's like a Wile E.
Coyote idea, isn't it? The thing I wonder about the skydiving is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? You might as well wear a party hat.
What's the difference? You jump out of a plane the chute doesn't open, I got news for you: The helmet is now wearing you for protection.
Later on, the helmet is talking to the other helmets: "Good thing he was there, or I would have hit the ground directly.
"