The Golden Girls (1985) s05e12 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" (humming "Jingle Bells") Hey! (continues humming) Rose, for the past half-hour, you've been humming "Jingle Bells" and yelling "Hey!" Now, why must you do that? Because it's too hard to hum the "Hey!" Oh, boy, it is hell out there.
Oh, it must be at least 103, and the mall was impossible.
Did you get something for the grandchildren? Oh, please.
You know, Robbie wants a Batman hat.
I went to six different stores.
They were all sold out.
I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it.
Oh! I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead just for a Batman hat - but I did it anyway.
I got the hat.
No, I guess I just have this thing about giving gifts that are more fun than the ones my grandparents used to give me.
Ma, do you remember that Christmas they gave me soap in the shape of the Seven Dwarfs? Well, now what's wrong with that? What kid wants to play with soap? Besides, after a couple of baths, they looked like seven suppositories.
(doorbell) Hi.
It's me, Stan.
I brought you a gift.
Oh, why, thank you, Stanley.
Oh, and look, there's a little card.
"Merry Christmas, Sports Illustrated subscriber.
" You don't have a baseball radio, do you, Dorothy? Stanley, why are you really here? I am going to make all you women wealthy.
How come whenever my ship comes in, it's leaking? I am planning on opening a research and development lab.
We can come up with new and exciting novelties that will make today's plastic vomit obsolete.
To make all of this happen, all I need from each of you is $1,000.
What do you say? (all) No.
OK, make it 100, but no monthly report.
Goodbye, Stanley.
Why don't I just wait outside, give you a few minutes to think this over? Fine.
Fine.
If he's still here in the morning, let's give him coffee, OK? It's a nightmare.
We've been visited by the yutz of Christmas past.
I am drained of what little holiday spirit I had.
That's too bad, because we still have to shop for presents for each other.
Wait a minute.
Listen, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
None of us wants to go shopping in this terrible heat, so why don't we just put names into a hat, and then we just have to pick out a gift for the one person whose name we pick? There's only one problem with your plan, pussycat.
One of us is gonna get the gift from Rose.
Dorothy, she's right.
And you know how hard it is pretending to like Rose's gifts.
Uh-uh.
Forget it.
No way.
Oh, come on, now, Blanche, don't be so childish.
We each stand an equal chance of having our Christmas ruined.
It's not going to bother me if I get Rose's gift.
Dorothy's right.
Be a good sport.
(humming "Jingle Bells") Rose, I have to tell you about Christmas.
It is too hot to shop, the stores are mobbed, and there are only two days left.
So we've decided to draw names out of a hat.
And that way, each of us only has to buy one gift.
But, Dorothy, I love shopping, and I love giving gifts.
And besides, if we draw names out of a hat, whose names are they gonna be anyway? The Oak Ridge Boys', Rose.
Our names! Oh! Gee, I'm not sure about this.
I mean, when you think about Christmas, don't you think about giving gifts? Yes, but that's not the first thing.
When I think of Christmas, I think of Christmas in New York.
The decorations in Macy's window, the show at Radio City, skaters on the ice at Mitsubishi Center.
In the old days on Christmas Eve we used to go to midnight Mass, remember, Dorothy? Sure I do.
Oh, Ma, the music and the candles - it was beautiful.
And the Mass was in Latin, a fine old Italian language.
Now, who knows! Sometimes it's in English, sometimes Spanish.
If you ask me, they should go back to Latin, the language Jesus spoke.
Ma, he spoke Hebrew.
Even in church? You know, I've been thinking Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.
Maybe Dorothy's right.
I guess I don't need a shopping spree to give me the Christmas spirit.
My church is serving Christmas dinner to the poor people in the neighborhood, and I've volunteered to go and help serve.
That'll do the trick for me.
OK, then let's do it.
Come on, now, look Remember, you only buy for the person whose name you pick.
And it doesn't matter who picks you, because it's bound to be a terrific gift.
Go ahead, Blanche.
OK.
OK, I buy for Dorothy.
Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, yes! Oh Boy, Blanche, I didn't realize you were such a big spender.
Go ahead, Dorothy, you go.
OK, I buy for Ma.
Yes! Ha ha! This really was a good idea.
This is really fun.
Oh, shut up, Rose.
Is it my turn? Yeah.
OK.
I buy for Rose.
Oh, thank you, God! No, no, no, Rose, you can't pick yourself.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm so hard to shop for.
Rose, you buy for Blanche.
OK, thanks, Dorothy.
This really was a good idea.
I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel.
Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, gives the worst presents in the world.
What kind of gift is dental floss? Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.
Here, go floss yourself.
This stinks - after the swell gift I sent him? What was it? A catalogue item.
L.
L.
Bean? Victoria's Secret.
Here it is, my present from Kirsten.
Oh, she always knows just what her mother wants.
Ha ha! It's a St.
Olaf snowball.
Rose, there's nothing in there but snow.
That's what St.
Olaf looks like in winter.
Who's for some fresh-baked Christmas cookies? Rose, why are the Christmas cookies in the shape of American flags and Liberty Bells? I couldn't find a Christmas cookie-cutter, so I used the Fourth of July cookie-cutters instead.
I wonder where President Bush stands on eating the flag? Well, that's all the presents - except for the ones we know are fruitcakes.
Wait a minute.
What about the present Blanche hid behind the couch? Oh, my gift for you.
I'll get it.
I can't wait to see the look on your face.
Me too.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Why, Rose, it's a beautiful blouse! I hope it's all right.
Dorothy said you'd like something crotchless.
Well, I'm due at church in about half an hour.
They're starting to serve Christmas dinner at one o'clock.
I better get ready.
Hey, Rose.
Rose, could you use some extra help? We could use all the help we can get.
Then I'm going with you.
Hey, count me in.
Since I didn't get a gift I have to bury out in the backyard, I'm feeling all Christmassy too.
Ma, are you coming? But I rented Scarface! All right, I'll go too.
Hey, I got an idea.
We got all these fruitcakes from this Christmas, last Christmas and the Christmas before that.
Why don't we gather them all up and And what? Build a bomb shelter? No.
We can unload them.
I mean, bring 'em to the church for dessert.
Well, actually, I think that's very nice.
Like we say in St.
Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St.
Sigmund's Day without the headless boy! Well, before we open the doors, I just wanna thank you all for taking time away from your own Christmas to provide Christmas for some that are less fortunate.
We promise to turn away no one, remembering how Mary and Joseph were turned away at the inn.
Reverend Avery, it's always puzzled me - why didn't Mary and Joseph call ahead for reservations? Surely they must have realized how impossible it is to get a hotel room during the Christmas season? I guess that's one for the theologians, Rose.
I can never get used to serving turkey for Christmas dinner - it's so un-Sicilian.
What did you serve? Eels.
Eels? (Dorothy) Yeah, it's true.
Eels are a traditional part of a Sicilian Christmas.
Of course, after Christmas, it's eel croquettes, eel hash, eel tetrazzini.
I sure miss a traditional St.
Olaf Christmas.
Excuse me, Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus? First there'd be the Christmas pageant, with the shepherds and the angels and the two wise men.
There were three wise men, Rose.
Not in St.
Olaf.
Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle.
And then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.
Why, Rose? Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers.
And then in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night.
And then, the next morning, the rumors would start.
And they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again.
But then, the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell! It's Christmas.
" All right, volunteers, stand by.
I'm opening the doors.
Welcome.
Welcome, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
I just never thought there'd be children.
I know.
And what is Santa Claus doing here? Oh, they pay these poor, out-of-work guys 10, 15 bucks to stand on street corners ringing their bells for charitable contributions.
A lot of 'em can't afford the price of a meal.
Hello there.
Hello, Santa Claus.
Dorothy it's me, Stanley.
Stan, what are you doing here? What happened with the research and development deal? Ah, that was just me trying to get some extra cash to tide me through the holidays.
You were gonna cheat us? Oh, sure, if you wanna label everything.
Stan, how could you? What did you want me to tell you, Dorothy, that I was broke, that I miscalculated the public taste? I thought I was gonna go through the roof with my plastic reindeer poop.
That's what happens when you aim too high.
And then I figured, with the drought and the danger of fires, the one novelty item that would really take off this season is a little Santa wearing sunglasses, driving a fire engine.
So I put every last cent I had into that hunch, and I ordered 12 gross from my supplier in Germany.
Everything is getting out of East Berlin except my fire engines.
They didn't get here till last night.
Come on, Stanley, you've been down before.
This is the nature of your business.
Why don't you go home and enjoy Christmas, then face the future tomorrow? I can't go home.
Why not? Catherine threw me out.
Your wife threw you out? I had no idea she was that bright.
What happened? Catherine accused me of infidelity.
Oh, dammit! Stan, this makes those infidelities during our marriage seem much less special.
Why did this have to happen to me? Broke and homeless on Christmas - why me? Why you? Why them?! Look around you.
You're not exactly alone.
This is probably the only Christmas these kids are gonna have.
Think about that for a while.
It might take your mind off your own self-pity.
I've gotta go back to work.
Mrs.
Sensitive.
You know, being here reminds me of my favorite Christmas back in 1951, which I spent at the USO, making a better Christmas for our boys getting ready to leave for Korea.
I gave those servicemen something even Mr.
Bob Hope himself could not give them.
A rash? Doughnuts, Dorothy.
Big Daddy was part-owner of a doughnut shop.
Did you really think this was going to be a story about sex? This is a beautiful Christmas story, Dorothy.
Now, that really hurts me.
I'm sorry, Blanche.
Well, anyway, after the boys had their doughnuts Actually, at this point, it does change more into a Veterans Day story.
In fact, what happened to Dorothy's ex-husband is not that uncommon.
Really? You'd be surprised how many people are only two or three paychecks away from being on the street.
The suddenly poor are all around us.
Once you've been knocked down like that, it's very hard to recover.
What's going to happen to all these people? I don't know.
There's no affordable housing, the rents keep going up and up, and the minimum wage has been held down.
Seems so unfair.
Well, that's because it is.
There are three million homeless, hungry people in this country.
What bothers me is, those people out there are being fed today because it's Christmas, but what will they eat tomorrow? When the great communicator talked about his vision of a city on a hill, I wonder if it included people sleeping on gratings in the street.
Dorothy, Stan's out there feeling so sorry for himself, he's bringing down the homeless.
Blanche, will you take over for me? What are you gonna do? I'm gonna go and try to make Stan feel like a whole man again.
Anything you need? Yes, half a man.
Sophia, you were just putting me on about those eels, right? Please! In Sicily, it wouldn't be Christmas without a plate of eels.
Eels and larks.
Larks? Honey, larks aren't eating birds, they're singing birds.
They don't sing long in Sicily.
Stanley.
Yeah? I forgot to wish you a merry Christmas.
Some Christmas.
Oh, come on, Stanley, you're the most fortunate person here.
Big deal! Stanley, you've always been able to turn bad holidays around.
Do you remember the Christmas we were so broke that you actually convinced the kids that Christmas was the 26th, and then you went out and got a Christmas tree from somebody's garbage? You trimmed it with gum wrappers and pull tabs.
And then you turned on the television, and they were playing Jim Thorpe - All American, and you told the kids it was King of Kings.
And they believed it, too.
Right up to the part where Jesus had his Olympic medals taken away for playing professional baseball.
That became sort of a tradition with us.
Yeah.
You had ingenuity then.
You didn't let anything beat you.
And you can do it again, Stan, if you just work hard and turn on that Zbornak charm.
I am pretty good at that.
Oh, you could charm the pants off anybody.
I have to believe that - otherwise, I was easy.
But, Dorothy, it's different this time.
Sure, sure, I've scraped the bottom of the barrel before, but this time I don't even have a barrel! Oh, Stan, will you stop whining? It's pathetic.
That's the most effective way to whine.
All I need is a few bucks, just a little seed money.
OK, OK.
Here, here.
Stan, take it.
Attagirl.
To show you how much I love you, I'm not even going to count it.
I hate you, Stanley.
You are the lowest.
I'm sorry, Dorothy, if I am no longer the man you divorced.
So am I.
I'd love to stick around and be belittled Fine, fine.
You've eaten.
Go somewhere else and wallow.
You better be careful.
You're not the only ex-wife I have.
Then why do you keep bothering me? You're the only one who answers the door.
( "Deck the Halls") Well, I guess that about does it.
All the food is gone.
Except the fruitcake.
I don't get it.
There's more now than when we started.
I just wish there was something more we could do for these people.
Especially the children.
(Rev.
Aubrey) Yes, I know.
I'm supposed to look after their spiritual needs, but even I can't help thinking they have other needs that are far more pressing.
Well, I'd like to thank you all very much for coming.
I wish you every blessing for the New Year.
Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho! Here's Santa, with toys for all the good boys and girls.
Ho-ho-ho! Have you all been good boys and girls? (all) Yeah! Ah! Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! (boy) Oh, my gosh.
I'm proud of you, Stan.
Really proud.
That was a lovely thing you did.
You made me believe in Santa Claus again.
Me, too.
Not me - I knew it was Stan all along.
After I walked outta here this afternoon, I realized that I'm more fortunate than a lot of people.
Tomorrow I'm gonna get the jump on the Easter season.
I have a new idea for a great novelty.
It's a decorated Easter egg with a window in it.
When you look into it, you see a beautiful Easter scene.
That's not a new idea.
Those Easter eggs have been around for years and years.
Yes, but this one leaves a black circle around your eyes.
That practically screams Easter! And, you know, Dorothy, I apologized to my wife, and in the spirit of Christmas, she's letting me come back home.
Great.
In that case, you can give me back the $60 I gave you.
Well, when I apologized, I said it with flowers.
Dorothy, I may be a lot of things, but I'm not cheap.
You know, actually, this is one of the best Christmases I ever spent with Stan.
It was pretty nice.
I can't remember feeling this proud of myself so early in the evening.
No, we did good.
I just wish we could do more.
Oh, so do I.
I mean, we have a place to go home to, and so many people don't.
We should keep them in our hearts and our minds - not just on Christmas, but every day of the year.
It's more than a place to go.
It's having someone there for you.
We have each other.
There's always someone there.
That's right.
That's right, darling.
So let's go home.
Thanks, girls, for coming down and helping out.
It was wonderful.
Oh, thank you for having us.
I'm glad you asked.
And, hey, merry Christmas.
Oh (all) Merry Christmas.