The Middle s05e12 Episode Script

So, Axl was back for winter semester, and this time, he was hitting it hard.
Ow! You see, Axl and Hutch had been embroiled in an epic finger-slap war for weeks with no winner in sight.
At this point, it was going from open warfare to a covert operation inside enemy territory.
So resulting in Yes? You there? What is your name, sir? Uh, Axl.
Well, "Uh, Axl," given what we know about the theory of relativity and how it predicts that a compact mass will deform space in an energy vortex, what will this create? And explain.
This will, uh predict and explain a black hole, defined as a region of space-time where gravity prevents anything, even light, from escaping.
Wow.
I actually reached someone.
Hm.
Now I'm almost glad they defunded the space program so I can be here.
You may sit.
Uh No, Axl wasn't an astronomy genius.
He just happened to watch "Hot Tub Time Machine" 27 times.
Hi.
Yes.
Once again, negotiations with the bus drivers have stalled.
Those big whiners are still holding out for a living wage.
But not to worry.
We broke the janitors' union, and we will break these people, too.
So, as of Monday, there will be no bus service, and in order to minimize inconvenience to me, we suggest forming carpools! Carpool?! Wait a minute! Wait, wait.
What? Find somebody.
Find anybody.
We're full! We're full! - Hey-- - Full! Oh, hey! There you are.
I've been looking all over.
So, Nancy, we carpool buddies, neighbor? What? Oh, I kind of already said I would with Bill.
Oh, that's okay.
Bill's cool with it.
We're good friends.
Right, Bill? Uh-- See? He's good with it.
Hey, carpool! We got a carpool! - Oh! - Hey.
Keep walking.
We're full.
Hey, hey! For tomorrow, though, pages 33 and 34 from your textbooks.
And I am talking to no one.
Hey, you're Axl, right? Yes.
- Zoe.
- Ah! You were really on it today with that answer.
Well, yeah.
Well, you know? Space-- that's where everything's headed.
Good to know about it.
I mean, you really seemed to be knowledgeable, and I'm just dying in there.
Ah, sorry.
I've got my roommate's bra on, and she's, like, way smaller than me.
Anyway, I'm so behind, and I was wondering, would you like to start a study group? Oh, uh, he's not even-- Yes, sure.
Definitely.
I love to study.
- And I especially like to do it in a group.
- Okay, great.
We'll figure out the details after class tomorrow.
This will be awesome.
See you later.
Bye.
Yeah.
That sure will be awesome.
But you do know you're not in this class? Oh, I am now.
Listen, this week's a little crazy, so Tuesday I'm gonna need you to pick Sue up from work.
Got it.
Where's that again? Seriously, Mike? You don't know where your daughter works? I think that's sad.
I think you're sad.
Well, we're all sad.
That's a given.
So, where does your daughter work? I know it's potatoes, Frankie.
We've been eating her funky potato rejects for weeks.
I just don't know where it is.
It's Spudsy Malone's at the mall, okay? And then after, she needs to go to her J-P-la meeting, so-- Who's the jerk that keeps honking their car-- Crap! Brick! Carpool! Carpool! Hey, Nancy, we'll be right there.
He's just tying his shoe.
Wake up! Yeah, carpool got off to a bit of a rocky start, but soon we fell into a rhythm.
Nancy was the delicious carpool.
I hope everyone likes fresh-baked chocolate-chip muffins and "Madagascar 3"! Bill was the fun carpool.
Stoplight! You know what that means-- time for "Stoplight car-dance!" Brother Tony with the tenor saxophone is just a shy boy smokin' in the morning sun And I was, well We're late.
I've never, ever been late in my life! You don't know that, Dotty.
We're not there yet.
Mom, you forgot my lunch.
Oh, crap! Okay, not a problem.
We'll build a lunch.
Everybody, get ready.
I'm hitting the brakes.
So, how'd we do? I found a French fry.
Ooh.
Cough drop.
Your car is filthy.
Yes, well, if I had cleaned it, Brick wouldn't have a lunch, now, would he, Ella? I found an orange and half a granola bar.
Sweet.
We're gonna be late! It's 7:56! Relax, Dotty.
We're gonna be fine.
Everybody hang on to Dotty's seat belt.
It's the only good one.
Hey, hey, hey! Look at this! Whoa.
Are those IU basketball tickets? Yeah.
Four seats to the Michigan game.
Corporate just sent them over to me for going six months without a workplace injury.
Well, what about when the salt from that pretzel slit my tongue? You can submit forms all day, Jim.
You're not getting workman's comp.
Sure.
Make light.
I still can't drink orange juice.
Hey, if you're looking for someone to go with you, I'm free.
Hold on.
You're taking Jim?! I'm the one who usually gets injured around here! If anyone gets to go to the game with Mike, it should be me.
Look, guys-- I invited you to Metal-Fest, Metal-Mania, Hedonism II in Jamaica.
The Chuck's starting to think you don't want to hang out with the Chuck when all the Chuck has done is really just put himself out there, man.
Mike's old! He doesn't want to go to Metal-Fest! Besides, I'm the one that he usually does stuff with.
Well, that makes you a boss-hog.
- And a kiss-up.
- He went to my church.
- You know what? - We're text-message buddies.
a lot more chill at work.
Guys.
Hey, guys, look, I'm not taking anybody from work, okay? You know what? We may not have had a workplace injury, but we do have an internal one right here.
Hey.
Whoa! Be cool, man.
Not here to hit you.
I need your book.
Got to study up on my astronomy.
Studying up for study group! Ahh! Okay, I get why you're doing this.
That Zoe is a hot-tay! But, hey, I'm actually in the class.
Nobody invited me.
That's cold-- cold as ice! Well, maybe if you paid a little bit more attention during "Hot Tub Time Machine," you would have been invited.
Now, let's say we learn me some astronomy.
And just to confirm, that is the planet one and not the horoscope one, right? All those years we spent trying to get Axl to study, and all it took was a hot girl.
It seems so obvious now.
And so the Cat's Eye nebula is in the constellation Draco, the dragon.
Easily remembered by the fact that we're the East Indiana Dragons-- you know, the team that I play football on.
Wow, Axl.
That's so smart.
We're the Dragons, and Draco's a dragon.
Yeah.
What do you know? Gym Shorts got one.
Also, Draco's 3,300 light-years away from Earth.
You know that's gonna be on the test.
Do we, Aaron? Do we really know what's gonna be on a test? 'Cause I feel it's best to just study hard and be prepared for any eventuality.
Oh, I'm never gonna get all of this.
Oh! I am so tight from sitting.
Anyway, what did people get for number six in the study guide? Um, that would be the, um-- Ring nebula, which is formed by ionized gas-- I got this, Gym Shorts.
The ionized gas is expelled into the surrounding interstellar medium, - which then causes a large-- - I think what Aaron's trying-- Aah! Dude! I am so sorry.
Do you have quarters for laundry? 'Cause you're gonna want to wash those pants.
Seriously, that stain is in a really weird place.
Oh, man.
Good guy.
So, um, Halley's comet.
Axl was lucky.
He only had one person mad at him.
I had three.
Damn it! I let you stay up late to watch the finale of "Shark Tank" after you promised me you would wake up early! What are you doing? I'm jazzing up breakfast with a banana.
Oh, no.
Breakfast is over.
Here.
You can have it for lunch.
Axl says he can't go to the game 'cause he's boning up for some big astronomy test.
Did you know he was taking astronomy? Of course I know he's taking astronomy.
- I'm his mother.
- I'll go! What about Rusty? I'm not taking my brother.
He'll sneak in beers and try to sell them to minors.
Mom won't let me eat breakfast.
Well, I'm sure you're learning whatever lesson you're supposed to learn.
Wait! My pagoda project! I didn't finish! Pagoda! Sorry.
Sorry.
This won't take but a sec.
Here, Dotty.
Hold that till it dries.
Whoa! Rough morning.
Won't happen again.
But it did.
Damn it! I let you stay up late to watch "Undercover Boss" 'cause you said you could handle it.
Now, where are your shoes?! I was hoping you'd know.
Rusty's out, too.
He's not allowed on the IU campus anymore.
Apparently, he did do that beer thing.
I'll go.
Why don't you just take my dad? Why don't I just take poison? Found them.
Now, what did I do with my coat? This is Sue's coat.
It's the coat that's here! Sorry, Nancy.
Rough morning.
It won't happen again.
Yeah, you know how this goes.
Damn it.
I told you not to let me stay up and watch "House Hunters International.
" Who knew Prague was so affordable and cosmopolitan? I can't believe it.
Even your dad has plans.
He's trying to figure out which pill makes him dizzy.
I'll go! What about that guy at the gas station? You guys chat.
That's a woman.
And we're not close.
I guess I'm down to asking Brick.
Who am I kidding? He's not gonna want to go.
I'll go! Go where? To the game.
There you go.
Take Sue.
Where's my stupid coat? Uh, are you sure you want to go? These are floor seats, Sue, against Michigan.
You got to really watch the game.
I will.
I promise! Okay, fine.
But from now on, speak up.
I was this close to going with Tag.
Damn.
I was gonna hit you, but it looked like somebody beat me to it.
What's going on? I haven't seen you in days.
I'm dying here, man.
I'm crapping out in my real classes 'cause I'm spending so much time studying for a class I'm not even taking just to hook up with a girl.
Now, when I say it out loud, it does actually make sense.
I can't keep this up.
Kenny, you got to help me, man.
You got to help me, Kenny! Kenny! Hey, game over, man.
Time to pull the rip cord.
- You got to come clean with this chick.
- No.
It's been so long since I touched a girl, Hutch.
I thought when I came to college, it'd be this buffet of women from all around the world-- Kentucky, Illinois, Northern Illinois-- - but it isn't, man.
It just isn't! - Okay! What does a heart attack feel like? Hey, Sue.
Oh, hey! Good news-- you're off the hook.
Turns out Greg from softball can make it to the game after all.
Oh, really? Yeah.
So you got more time to do the other stuff that you like to do.
And your mom will be around, so it's good.
Oh, okay.
Sorry, sorry, sorry! We'll be there in a second.
Brick, carpool! Frankie, it's dinner time.
Oh.
Well, we can always use the practice.
Yeah.
About that I just wondered if you could be a little more on time.
You've been running a little late this past week, and, well, it's probably Dotty.
She's kind of a nervous Nellie.
So, if you could, you know, try to be on time.
Oh, gosh, sure.
I can do that.
Thank you so much.
Oh, and, also, when you're picking up from school, if you could maybe just be a little more on time then, too.
Dotty gets scared when she's still there after the teachers go home.
Of course.
Still adjusting to that time change.
Why don't they just leave it alone, right? Right.
Oh, and just one more tiny thing.
Uh-huh.
If you could maybe pack a little bit more in Brick's lunch.
He's been begging the girls for food on the way to school.
Got it, got it, got it.
More lunch.
Anyway, good talk.
It's been a rough week.
Thanks for understanding.
Hey.
Hey.
How was the game? Great.
Unbelievable seats.
IU won it in overtime.
Mm-hmm.
And did Sue like it? Uh, didn't take her.
Greg got free.
He moved his wife's C-section to Friday.
Yeah.
I know you didn't take Sue.
We microwaved pancakes and read People magazine.
Oh, good.
No, it's not good, Mike.
She really wanted to go to the game with you.
What? No, she didn't.
She just volunteered 'cause I didn't have anybody to go with.
Are you that clueless? It wasn't about the game for her.
It was a special night with her dad, eating cotton candy, getting a cute t-shirt, talking.
Yeah, none of those things should happen at a basketball game.
Look, I saved her from a miserable night.
She would have been bored.
Why? 'Cause she's a girl? Come on, Frankie.
For the most part, girls are not gonna be as into a game as a guy would be.
Are you kidding me? What is this, the '50s? I'm sorry, but that's insane.
Girls like sports, Mike.
Why would my dad have taken me and my sister to all those Indianapolis Indians games? 'Cause he didn't have any sons, and he wanted to go to an Indians game.
So you're saying if I had a brother, my dad would have taken me to less games? No.
I'm saying he would have taken you to no games.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Yeah, you can "Wow" all you want, but you're just as guilty.
You never took Axl to a play.
I've never taken anyone to a play.
Okay, then, uh, how about the ice capades? You took Sue to the ice capades and never thought about asking Axl.
Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna get Axl to put on pants to watch princesses skate on ice.
You don't know.
He might have loved it.
Could have taken up skating, become a gold medalist, - bought us a house.
- No, no.
Don't try and turn this on me.
Face it-- you don't have a leg to stand on.
Oh, I got legs-- two of them, just like Axl-- that might have been perfect for ice skating, only we'll never know 'cause you took Sue to ice capades.
Hey, I still do stuff with Axl.
When is the last time you did anything like that with Sue? Hey, I spend time with Sue.
I watched her play volleyball, Frankie.
Got her checked out at the emergency room.
I'm just saying, you don't know where she works.
You have no idea what J-P-la is.
Nobody does.
Look, I'm a good dad.
I'm not gonna stand here and let you make me feel bad.
Stupid tickets.
I should have taken Dave.
Leaving doesn't make it right.
Makes you quieter.
I did worry I was a little harsh with Mike.
Unfortunately, I was up all night worrying about it, which meant Oh, come on! Let's go! We have a quiz first period, you know.
It's really important.
It's 12% of our grade.
"12% of our grade.
" Nerd.
Listen, we're gonna make it.
We got plenty of time.
Just regular bread today? No baguette? Tell your mom I'm not a fan.
We left too late.
My mom and dad were talking about your mom always being late, and my dad said your mom's a real case.
Hey, could you move over?! We're kind of in a hurry here! We should be there already! We're gonna miss the quiz! I'm gonna get my first zero! Would you calm down, Dotty? It's middle school.
You know, I read that schools test too much anyway.
It's all just a race to nowhere.
We're all gonna get tardies now.
We won't be able to go to the no-tardy party, and there's ice cream, and we get to wear a badge that says we're in the no-tardy club! Look, you're all gonna go to the no-tardy party, okay? I've got this covered.
I can do it.
Hey, lucky us.
Looks like you got a couple extra minutes to study for that quiz, so You know, are you sure you want to-- Ah, all right.
Now, good luck on that quiz.
And, hey, we don't have to tell your parents about this, right? Mike didn't want to hear it at the time, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized maybe he didn't always give Sue the attention he should have.
Heading out to paint the garage.
I'll go! No.
I got to get this done fast.
Going to the hardware store.
Come on, Axl.
I'll go! I'm gonna go get milk.
I'll go! Oh, great.
No sense both of us going.
Hey.
Home from school, huh? Yep.
No, uh, J-P-la tonight? Nope.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
You have to work today at the potato place on the third floor of the mall? No.
I'm picking up a double shift on Saturday.
Dad, why are you talking to me? No reason.
Hey, you know, uh I was thinking about going to get a burger - for dinner.
- I'll go! No, Sue.
You don't have to volunteer.
I was asking you if you want to go with me to dinner.
Oh, I get it.
You mean you'll sit in the car while I run in and go get it.
No.
I'm-- I'm asking you to dinner-- you, me, in a restaurant, just the two of us.
What's wrong? Is mom sick? Are you sick? Is grandma sick? Am I sick?! Nobody's sick.
Oh, no! You and mom are getting a divorce.
I knew it.
Are you ready for a younger woman? God, no.
She'd want kids.
Look, Sue, nobody's sick, no divorces.
I just want to grab a burger with you.
Really?! Yeah.
Okay! This is gonna be so much fun! But no potatoes.
I am so over potatoes.
Okay, I, like, always get this wrong.
Which planet has the hottest surface temperature? What? Sorry.
It's hard to concentrate 'cause I'm sitting next to a hot planet right now.
Wow.
You're good at that.
But there is a test tomorrow, - and we really should stay focused.
- Right.
Right.
Uh-- pbht!-- Venus is the hottest, due to the greenhouse effect.
Great.
Uh, now, what planet's gravitational pull is so strong, it easily attracts asteroids and comets into its atmosphere? That'd be Jupiter.
But your gravitational pull is much stronger.
Axl, please.
You're not making this easy.
There's plenty of time for that later.
We really got to study.
Hmm.
Well, actually, I don't.
Funny story-- I'm not actually in this class.
I only pretended to be to get to know you, so-- What? - Romantic, right? - Are you kidding me?! - I only pretended to like you so you'd help me with the class! - What?! When we are done making out, we are so talking about this.
Oh, uh, hey.
What are you doing? Leaving.
I got to go find that Aaron guy.
If I fail another class, my dad's gonna make me work at his tile store.
So you were just using me for my brain?! Well, joke's on you, 'cause I'm barely passing any of my classes! Wait.
Do you have any hot friends you can tell about me?! Perhaps your small-bra'd roommate? I'm desperate! So thanks to a class he wasn't taking, Axl finally learned how to study and decided to apply that knowledge to the classes he was taking.
Oh! I'm awake! I'm awake! Yeah, you are.
Have a good day at school.
And I learned an important lesson, too-- if you're bad enough at something, they'll ask you not to do it anymore.
Oh, crap.
I'm late for work.
And as for Mike Where are you gonna put a bacon cheeseburger, onion rings, and a chocolate shake? I'm starving! I missed lunch.
There was a J-P-la emergency.
New freshman transferred in from Muncie.
Big transition for him.
Yeah.
I can imagine.
What exactly is this J-P-la thing that you do? Your mom has no idea.
Oh.
It's awesome.
I mentor the mentors who mentor the freshmen.
We're actually doing an assembly on Tuesday about achieving teen excellence.
And parents can come.
I told mom about it, and she's checking.
I'll go.
Really?! Yeah.
That would be great! But, you know, I'm not just doing it for the assemblies.
Yeah, I really do want to help people.
But it will look good on the old college application.
Thought about where you'd like to go? Well, if I want to study marine biology