Roseanne s05e13 Episode Script

Darn! What's the matter, Deej? This problem's impossible.
I'm supposed to multiply And give the answer in base 2.
You know, Deej, it's ironic.
You're a kid; you're not supposed to have any problems.
You go to school and they give 'em to you.
Either help me or be quiet so I can work.
The answer is 3.
Trust me.
Okay, you little freak, you're about to see your heart.
Rosie, Rosie, a little help here.
Oh, back, back, back, back.
You might think they're tame, but you gotta remember They're wild animals.
The evil pinhead was in my room again.
I locked my door, but he must have gotten in through the bathroom.
I didn't do anything.
Cool, it worked! He put bath oil beads in my pockets So that when I sat down they'd break.
I'm walking around school, Everybody's pointing at my butt and laughing.
For a moment I knew the pain of being Becky.
I want him punished severely for this.
Okay, bring me the cheese grater.
I'm serious, mom.
All right, all right, we'll ground him.
Grounding him won't do no good.
Alls he does is hang around the house anyway.
Hey, how 'bout a week with no video games? Honey, that would be perfect, but i'm on level eight Of super froggy quest and he's gotta show me Where the magic jewels are.
These punishments bite.
You guys call yourselves parents? You're supposed to be better at this.
So why don't you punish him? Really? What do you think, Dan? Bye, Deej.
Just remember, you're at that awkward age Where you could be tried as an adult.
I got it.
You have to wear a suit and tie to school tomorrow.
In front of everyone? Gee, Darlene, why don't you just beat him up yourself? Don't like you, don't like you, Don't like you.
Suit and tie, i'm impressed.
Yeah, i'm kinda proud of it.
Of course, I woulda made him wear a dress.
Too late.
You only get one wish.
[laughing.]
Dan, can we close the shades? I feel real guilty playing in the daytime.
Hey, this is the conner unemployment invitational.
I figure as long as we're all out of work, We might as well use our time productively.
Well, this is stupid.
Do I really have to do this? It's indian poker.
Everybody can see your fifth card but you.
How-- so how do I know what to bet? Well, that's the challenge.
It's not a game for the timid.
I'll betA penny.
Too rich for this guy.
Yeah, my wife would kill me.
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm fabulously well off.
[laughing.]
Wait a minute.
Now, who's been eating oreo cookies? Oh yeah, I had some of those yesterday.
[guys groan.]
New game.
So, how's the job front for you, Fisher man? What, are you kidding? This is a rotten time to be a freelance artist.
I'm down to working a couple days a week.
Yeah, that's a couple more than me.
It's brutal out there.
You guys are smart.
Being self-employed is the only way to go.
I'll bet An eighth of a cent.
Yeah? Being your own boss isn't that great of a deal.
Last week I sexually harassed myself.
Yeah? Well, I feel guilty.
I mean, you guys are scraping by.
Here I got this great job.
I got benefits.
I'm even gettin' overtime.
[chuckling.]
But of course, one false step and I could be crushed to death By heavy machinery.
Three jacks, read 'em and weep.
Somebody get the boy a hankie.
Full boat.
Whoo, ooh ooh! Damn it! My luck has totally turned to crap.
Hey, Fisher, chill.
We're just playing for fun.
No, no, no, I mean, this is just one more thing.
I mean, no matter what I do, I can't catch a break.
Here, now you're ahead for the night.
Hey, go to hell! Sorry.
I gotta take a breather.
Well, he's wrapped kinda tight, huh? Poor guy.
[phone rings.]
Remember when you were that age, you still thought your life Was gonna amount to something? Yeah, i'm glad those days are over.
[guys laughing.]
[high-pitched.]
hello? [regular.]
well, this could be one of d.
J.
Conner's parents.
It depends on how much damage is involved.
He did? Okay, yeah, I will.
Thank you.
What's up? Oh, man, D.
J.
Got caught with obscene reading material At school today.
They want somebody to come down.
I'll bet it was one of my playboys.
Oh, man, I shoulda hid 'em better.
So, where'd you hide 'em? I don't know.
I can't find 'em.
No, Dan, it's about time you handle Some of these school problems.
Yes, Dan, I know you're very involved In your children's education.
James Madison Elementary School.
It's on the corner of Carpenter and Fifth.
And D.
J.
Is the short kid with dark hair.
What kind of obscene reading material could D.
J.
Have? I don't know.
Either one of dan's playboys or our credit report.
So, Charlotte, how are you at talking to people? Well Oh, good enough.
Go take their order.
UhI think that my work-study program at school, You know, doesn't allow me to speak to people From my own school.
You know, I think it's kinda like a rule.
Which one of them do you have the crush on? They're both kinda cute.
Well, you're in luck because they're friends with Becky, So I can introduce you.
No, I don't want to be introduced.
Oh, Charlotte, I know how it is.
I'm shy, too.
Oh, please, please don't embarrass me.
I wouldn't do that.
SoHow far do you go on a first date? Just kidding.
Hey, how you doin', guys? Hey, Mrs.
Conner.
Hey.
So, what's a couple of good-lookin' studs Like yourself doing out on the town with no dates? It's 1:00.
We're on lunch period.
Oh.
Well, you know, guys like you should just have no trouble Finding women at all.
Instead of chasing after all these cheerleader types, You ought to think about dating somebody that'sMore mature.
Thanks for the advice, Mrs.
Conner.
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, because sometimes you don't really realize it, But there are people right under your nose Who would love to go out with you.
Oh, thanks, Roseanne.
I think I got it now.
Warmed 'em up for you.
Thanks for rescuing us.
Yeah, I mean, I like Mrs.
Conner, But not in that way.
Well, Jackie, i'm feeling kinda kooky.
What do you say me and you go bowling tonight? Hey, on Wednesday night they'll let you eat Right in the bowling area.
Can't.
Fisher and I are doing something tonight.
Well, so are me and Dan probably, But that doesn't mean we can't go bowling first.
You and I work together, Roseanne.
Isn't that enough? God, this really sucks.
Every time I ask you to do anything You're always busy with Fisher.
Don't do this to me.
You know I have a boyfriend now.
It takes up a lot of my time.
Yeah, well, when I was first dating dan And things were all hot and heavy still, I'd always make time for you.
Yeah, when you wanted a ride somewhere, Wanted somebody to get you pizza, wanted somebody to do your homework.
Well, at least I made time.
Well This takes a little more effort than a high school romance.
You know, I live with Fisher, Roseanne.
Well, so maybe that's your problem.
Maybe you and Fisher spend too much time together.
I never would have moved in with no guy so damn fast.
Maybe you wouldn't, but this isn't you; it's me.
And there's a real easy way to tell us apart.
You.
Me.
You.
Me.
Where the hell do you think you're going? We're in the middle of a shift here.
I'm leavin'! Till you respect my relationships, You're not gonna see me again.
Oh, well, I didn't realize it's such a drag Spending any time with me.
Sorry.
I'm not gonna ask you no more.
Oh, good.
Go for the guilt.
You better take a long, hard look at yourself, Roseanne, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, There is obviously something missing from yours.
Just figure that out? Deja vu.
I am really angry with you, d.
J.
Those magazines are not for you to read.
And you know it's wrong to go through other people's things.
You are in big trouble when I get you home, pal.
Can I help you? Yeah, i'm here to see Principal Alexander.
And you are? Dan conner, D.
J.
's father.
No, he's not.
I don't know who he is.
Don't let me go home with him! He's kidding.
Tell the nice lady you're kidding, Deej.
How do you know my name? D.
J.
! He's my dad.
You know, in all the years conner children Have come to this school, we've never seen you.
We all assumed Mrs.
Conner was widowed.
She is.
I'm her oldest boy.
Oh, our principal.
Cecil Alexander, Dan conner, D.
J.
's father.
We thought you were dead.
Come in, Mr.
Conner.
D.
J.
? Listen, I want you to know we're usually very happy with D.
J.
He's a hard worker, he listens well in class.
Although this new dressing up phase Does concern us a little.
Kids.
But we don't discourage unorthodox dress here.
We do discourage, however, our students from bringing Certain types of reading material to school.
Well, I understand, Cecil.
Something that might be perfectly normal And acceptable for adults wouldn't be okay for kids To bring to school.
I'm sorry, but the filth that D.
J.
Was reading Couldn't possibly be considered okay anywhere.
It's the most offensively sick piece of garbage I've ever seen.
Didn't you read the articles? I didn't see any articles in this.
Well, it's a comic book.
D.
J.
, you brought a comic book to school.
Good boy! I can see I should have spoken to his mother.
Well, look, I know it's wrong for kids To bring comics to school and read 'em in class, But hey, they're kids.
I know it's not great literature-- my god.
What kind of diseased mind could create something like this? It's obviously some sort of cheap underground thing.
Oh, man.
Hey, I don't know where d.
J.
Got this, but you can be sure We don't allow things like this in our house.
This is not the way we raise our children.
Where did you get this? Darlene made it.
Well, Dan, my day dealing with the family Was an ice cream cone in the dirt.
How was yours? Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a two-for-one.
That obscene reading material D.
J.
Brought to school? Darlene's the editor- in-chief.
Take a look at this.
It's really sick.
[laughing.]
It was a funny part.
I'm serious, Rosie.
What if darlene's disturbed? More than we thought.
Oh, Dan, have you seen some of the comic books That she buys lately? They're way more screwed up than that.
Warped and depressing is what's cool now.
Really? Yeah.
Finally Darlene's personality pays off.
Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like This crap darlene's doing.
Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse.
This is a cry for help.
Well, who knows what they're about, you know? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, The longer we don't sleep in shifts.
Hi.
Oh, hold it right there.
You were very, very mean to me and hurt my feelings today And i'm not sure that I even want to talk to you yet.
I came here to apologize.
I have been blowing you off a lot lately And there's no excuse for it.
I'm a selfish, rotten person and i'm sorry.
Is that it? Roseanne.
Oh, all right, i'm such a softy.
And to make up for being such a jerk, I wanna take you to a movie.
Just you and me.
My treat.
Okay, well, you'll have to go put on a better shirt.
Why? We're going to a movie.
No, you feel way worse than that.
You're taking me out to dinner, too.
Fine.
You think Darlene would mind If I went upstairs and borrowed something? No, as long as you put everything back on the floor where you find it.
Hey.
What's my comic book doing down here? D.
J.
Got caught with it at school today.
We have to talk.
That's it.
Hire a hearse, pick out a plot.
[Darlene.]
d.
J.
! It's over, rat boy.
[Jackie.]
close the door.
Close the door! What happened to aunt Jackie? Well, some say environment, but I think she's born that way.
No, I mean was she, like, in an accident or something? No.
Why? Well, I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.
She didn't tell me nothing about it.
Sorry for yelling at you like that, Darlene.
You scared the heck outta me.
Are you okay? Yeah.
You ready to go? Come here.
What? Darlene says your back's all bruised up.
No.
It's nothin'.
Well then, let me see.
No, don't.
Ow! Come on, stand still.
Darlene, you get out of here.
What's going on? Now, Darlene.
Look, i'm all right, so don't go blowing this up Into something it's not, okay? What happened? Nothing.
Let's go eat.
No.
We're not gonna go anywhere till you tell me how your back got all bruised.
I told you i'm okay.
You come over here, your back is all bruised up, You won't tell me nothin' about it, How do I know you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this? Why--why can't you just drop it? That son of a bitch.
You don't understand.
He beat the crap-- no, he didn't.
It's no big deal.
It's no big deal? What are you saying? He hit you; it's not like he forgot your birthday.
We had an argument this afternoon And he pushed me a couple times.
It's not fisher's fault.
Then whose fault is it? I--I can't believe that you're saying this.
You don't even listen to me.
He said he was sorry and it would never happen again.
Damn, Jackie, you were a cop.
You heard this same crap a million times.
Now you're throwin' it out on me? How could you let this happen to you? Shut up! You don't know the whole story.
He's been under a lot of pressure lately.
There's no work.
And I told him that he should look for a job at a bigger company, And he told me that I didn't believe in him, And he told me a million times when he gets in a mood like that That I should just walk away and I didn't.
I just kept pushing him and pushing him.
Don't say any more.
What happened? Fisher beat the crap out of her.
What? I'm all right.
I just-- I-- I don't want anybody to know about it.
Is she really okay? Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
We're gonna go wash your face.
How you doin'? Pretty good.
Well, I think we Just should go to the hospital and get you checked out.
It's too humiliating, Roseanne.
They'll ask all kinds of questions.
I don't want everybody talking about it.
Okay, well, we'll go to the hospital in Elgin.
Nobody knows us there.
We could make up names and stuff.
I'll be wilma and you can be betty.
[Dan.]
hey.
Hey.
Where'd you go? I thought i'd go get some dinner.
I got your favorite.
I told 'em to just fry up the skin, None of that pesky chicken to get in the way.
So we'll eat some of it in the car on the way to the hospital.
Roseanne.
Come on, let's go get ready.
So did you see Fisher? [gasps.]
Oh, my god.
You didn't kill him and then go buy chicken, did ya? No, I bought the chicken first.
I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him.
Well, it started out that way.
What did he say? Well, if I remember correctly, "ouch, ouch, my head.
" Something along those lines.
[doorbell rings.]
Dan, you gotta put some alcohol on that.
Good idea.
Hi, Rosie, Dan.
[cop.]
can we come in? Well, that depends on what you're here for.
Let 'em in, honey.
Mr.
Conner, we have a warrant for your arrest.
There's been an assault and battery complaint filed on you.
Yeah, I heard the call come in on the radio, So I just told dispatch that we'd take it.
Sorry, Rosie.
You can't arrest Dan.
He didn't do anything wrong.
Jackie came over here-- Roseanne, this is about me.
It's not about anybody else.
[Dan.]
let's leave it at that.
Rosie, what you need to do is get to the station As quick as you can with the bail.
It's gonna be about a hundred bucks.
We'll stall processing Dan as long as we can.
Sorry, Mr.
Conner, but we gotta cuff you.
No cuffs.
Hey, cuff me.
You get fired, who's gonna fix my parking tickets? Well, can he at least have some chicken? He hasn't had dinner yet.
All right, i'll drive.
Hey, can you get one of these for a regular car? It would make trips with the kids a lot more fun.
It's funny.
Joanie and I were just today talking about getting together With you and Rosie.
When's good for you? I'm busy tonight, but other than that, i'm cool.
Great.
Pretty weird, huh? Mind-blowing.
Mr.
Conner, if you don't mind my asking, How come you popped that guy? You messed him up pretty good, you know.
A long story.
[cop.]
understood.
Look, it's not gonna be so bad.
By the time we finish processing you, Rosie will be there with the bail.
Nobody's gotta know about this.
Appreciate it.