Rules of Engagement s05e13 Episode Script

Oh.
Morning, sir.
I was just looking over our expense reports, And I found a way to save hundreds of dollars.
Ah, you sound like that lizard From the geico commercials.
- That's mine.
- Not anymore.
MmmNo, no.
That's not blueberry.
What kind of flimflam Are you trying to scam on me? Yes, I certainly owe you an apology For picking the wrong muffin for you to steal, eat, And regurgitate onto my desk.
More specifically, onto this picture of my grandmother.
Well, in my defense, that dot was already there.
Well, I was talked into the lemon poppy seed muffin By beth, The comely new waitress at the diner.
And what say we skip the clever fun You'll have with the word "comely.
" Oh, wait, beth That's the new waitress at our diner.
Yes.
Oh, I really do feel She and I have quite the rapport.
Heh heh, whoa.
I've actually already met beth.
We had a delightful connection.
She found me quite the gentleman, And with any luck, soon she'll be the chief suspect In the case of the missing salami.
Hmm.
Well, I guess the next time we're both in the diner, We'll just have to see whom she prefers Me or the shrunken mickey rourke.
Yes, I guess we'll see.
Silly me I forgot I've gotta take care of some things in accounting.
Oh, of course.
And it would seem as though I've been silly as well, you see, Because I've left some papers in the copy machine, SoEhhUgh! Look at us, we're just a couple of silly birds! Aah! God! God! So everything shipshape with the mccarthy account? Yes.
All up to date, sir.
I should have a full status report for you-- Excuse me.
[chuckles.]
Hey, where's audrey? She's got a pilates session with a trainer at our apartment.
- Really? Why at the apartment? - Because we're billionaires.
Apparently, audrey got tired of going out to spend money, So now someone comes to the apartment to take it.
Well, you know, she's not working, But at least she's keeping herself busy.
You know who she's not keeping busy? The lonely lighthouse keeper who lives in my pants.
Well, you know, I've been there.
- Oh, yeah? You and jen? - Oh, yeah, man.
A couple months ago we were fighting a lot.
We were down to, like, once a day.
[thump.]
ow! - Ahh.
- Ahh.
What can I get you? Wait, this isn't beth's section? - We switched.
- Oh.
Timmy, didn't you want to order some of this? - [thump.]
- hey! Hey, russell, timmy.
Oh, beth, this is your section? Hello there, beth.
You're looking lovely as usual today.
Oh, you two.
Well, I'm going on my break, But doreen will take care of you.
The hell she will.
[sharp exhale.]
unhCheck it out.
I was digging through the back of my closet, And bam-- my old letterman jacket.
Wow.
You know, I always liked the idea of dating a jock.
Why wouldn't you? We're sexy as all get-out.
What's this pin right here? Oh, that's a megaphone.
A megaphone? Why? You know, for cheerleading.
Oh, because you had a cheerleader girlfriend.
NoI made the squad.
She didn't.
That's why we broke up, you know Hold on, there was a lot of information there.
You're saying that you were on the cheerleading squad? Yes.
No.
But you said you never missed a game.
- I didn't.
- But you said your bad knee - Was a football injury.
- It was.
Honey, a couple players tumbled out of bounds And knocked over our pyramid.
God! Oh, god But you said that without you Your team wouldn't have won state.
Well, that I firmly believe.
Wait a minute.
What's this? A note saying this is all a bad joke? Oh, man, this is my old cheat sheet.
I could never remember how to spell "aggressive.
" Ah, nice timing.
I just finished my session, and I feel great.
Oh, good, then it's worth the 80 bucks.
[chuckles.]
Anyway, I found this flier by the mailbox.
Oh, yeah? Is that how you like my workout clothes If you smear the ink, they won't honor it.
Oops, I did smear it.
I've been a bad, bad girl.
What's going on here? Nothing here, but uh, Maybe something'll happen in the bedroom.
Down that way, to the left, I remember.
[giggles.]
come on.
Let's get in there and do it.
Now, see, I'm getting somewhat of a sex vibe.
It's been a while.
I may be wrong.
You are not wrong.
The drought is over.
Oh, cleansing rain! So from the moment I entered the apartment To the moment we're doing it A minute and a half.
And then another minute and half Till the awkward apology? More or less.
It's been a while.
I was against this whole pilates scam, but MehI'm good with anything that puts audrey Between me and the mattress.
That's actually more romantic than mr.
Dunbar, Who recently bragged of having put a woman Between him and a desk.
You forgot one little detail.
It was your desk.
The chick had muffin crumbs all over her back.
Listen, you gotta stay on this pilates thing.
It seems like it's the golden goose.
It must make her feel better about herself And more receptive to your inelegant advances.
I don't care what it does As long as I'm bangin' the goose.
Wow, timmy, russell-- you guys are still here? You two are becoming my best customers.
What a nice thing to say about me And someone who's old enough to be your father.
You must really love the food here.
You know, beth, I do find it quite excellent.
Then what do you suppose gave you that raging diarrhea? Can I bring you a bowl of rice or something? Please.
Well, I see the campaign has gone negative.
Will you please take it off? No.
No, I want to show it to the guys.
I'm from the future.
I've come to tell you it does not go well.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up? - Hello.
- Whoa, nice jacket.
What time is jughead expecting you at the malt shop? [laughs.]
good one, russell.
- What's the soup for today? - All right, hold on now.
He can't wear his high school football jacket And not have us work him over a little.
Actually Uh, this is your last off-ramp, please take it.
It's not a football jacket.
It's from when I was a cheerleader.
[clears throat.]
let's do this.
- We've gotta go.
- Okay, stop.
Honey, honey, don't-- don't worry.
Look, I know you guys need to have your fun, So go ahead, give it to me.
I can take everything you've got.
Which is what you said to the guys on the football team.
He's implying rough boys had their way with you--delightful.
Please tell me you used pompons.
- We didn't.
- Thank god.
We called them "spirit balls.
" Anyway, hey, guys, look, I had a blast, man.
I even hooked up with a couple girls on the squad.
To do what, fix each other's makeup? No, no.
To hook up.
You know, and if there was the occasional moisturizing, Well, shame on me for wanting to take care of my skin.
- Why isn't this any fun? - 'cause he's not suffering.
He does seem rather at ease.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Maybe we shouldn't bother.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look at jen.
What? Ah, the pack has located the weakest gazelle.
So, jen, does adam ever give you any dirty talk Through his megaphone? Please, let me go! Hey, be strong, honey! Okay, fine.
I'm just gonna hide under the table.
Ah, good thing I'm not the quarterback, Or adam would beat you down there.
Hey.
Hey.
UnhWe were just finishing up.
You must be jeff.
I'm terry.
Okay.
Hey, listen, my purse is in the other room.
Can you pay terry? And give him a little extra.
He's really good.
All right, yeah There you go.
- Thanks.
- You're fired.
- What? - You're fired.
Get out.
You fired terry? What is wrong with you? No other guy's gonna be rubbing you and bending you.
Not while I'm alive.
And not for a year after I'm dead.
I want you to sign something that says that.
Have you lost your mind? No, the question is, have you? Why didn't you tell me that terry was a guy? What does it matter? And why would you assume terry's a woman? I hear "pilates instructor," I think lady.
It's a lady job, like nurse, kindergarten teacher, And until recently, cheerleader.
Why is this even an issue? You've never been jealous.
Hell, we go to a bar, you want me to look single So someone else will buy my drinks.
That's different.
But you know what I guess I know now why you were all revved up When I got home yesterday.
Oh, terry is not why I was in the mood! Well, you didn't get all hot When that lady with the moustache came And organized our closets! I am not having this conversation with you anymore.
Can you honestly say that when we were doing it, There wasn't a second where you were thinking about him? Oh, aha! No further questions! Okay, fine.
Can I swear he didn't flash into my head For one second? No.
But can you swear you've never thought about someone On your list of favorites, huh? Christine aguilera, jessica alba, jennifer aniston - Okay, you've made your point.
- No, no.
Wait, wait.
I'm still on the "a"s.
And you're the one who's always saying, "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, As long as you have dinner at home.
" That's only for guys.
What do your ears hear when you talk? Huh? Okay, look, I don't know any of those women, And they certainly don't have their hands all over me Right before we do it.
I can't believe you fired terry! You know what, when I want to hear an idiot talk, I'll come back out.
I'm going to the bedroom.
Okay, now, you're saying bedroom, But I'm not really getting a sex vibe.
But I am willing to-- [door slams shut.]
Jessica alba would never toy with me like that.
It's just the way I speak.
Schhhedule, aluminium Sandwich.
[chuckles.]
Well, that one's pretty much the same.
You're funny.
What was that all about? Oh, guess who couldn't stop going on About someone's charming accent.
I knew I shouldn't have gone to the bathroom.
Stupid free iced tea refills! More iced tea, russell? Yes, please.
- Oh, hello, mr.
Bingham.
- Hey.
Hey there.
Do you know what you want? Cheeseburger, fries.
Thanks.
Bye, beth.
Cheerio.
Take it easy with that, all right? And don't kid yourself.
She'd never take you over me Unless she wants a curry slurpee.
You're right If she foregoes intelligence, refinement, and charm In favor of a withered sugar granddaddy.
Wow, looks like the battle of who-gives-a-crap rages on.
What are you still doing here? I thought audrey had pilates.
Shouldn't you be home stuffing the goose? Turns out aud's pilates instructorA dude.
What's the problem? He preheats the oven, and you put in the bird.
The issue is, doin'-it-wise, She should be thinking about me and nobody else.
Why? When I'm with a chick, I don't care if she's thinking of someone else.
Of course she is.
Look at you.
It's your only hope.
Yeah, I mean, after 15 years, what do you want? "hey, jeff, you got a new gray chest hair.
Let's do this!" At least I've got chest hair.
When I saw you in the locker room last week, I thought you were dakota fanning.
Oh, you mean young and adorable? I'll take it.
Wow.
Listen, everyone fantasizes about someone better.
That's what better people are for.
I know, but the people the I fantasize about I'm never gonna meet.
Unless halle berry returns your fan letters.
But there audrey is, she's fantasizing about some guy Who was just rubbing her and groping her.
Here's your-- oh, my gosh! I am so sorry.
There's dressing on your pants.
[mild gasp.]
Let me grab a wet rag.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's get her back here.
Oh, my god.
Beth, I spilled too.
I need a Manuel, puedes limpiar los pantalones de senor dunbar? No, manuelOw.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Nice to see you, manuel.
No, I'm fine.
- [jeff sighs.]
- hey.
If you're looking at chippendales dancers, Don't worry about it.
I can take it.
Yes, jeff, because oiled gay men in bow ties Really get me going.
No, you'll be happy to know I'm looking for A female pilates instructor.
The way god intended.
I'm sure that god was okay with guy pilates instructors.
And if it's good enough for him-- Or her.
Don't push it, audrey.
Look, I'm sorry that I overreacted.
It's just the thought of some guy Look, don't even say it.
Come on, you know you have nothing to worry about.
You're my man, period.
And in a way, your insanity was flattering.
You're welcome.
Besides, I'm better looking than terry anyway, aren't I? Oh, come on, do I even have to answer that question? Seriously, please don't make me.
Here's an idea.
How about the next time we do it, Let's have it be just us.
Hmm, you sure penelope cruz won't feel left out? I am not sure, But she can take care of herself, Which she's used to.
It's a pretty consistent part of the fantasy.
Seriously, I'm gonna record you.
You should know what you're putting out there.
Speaking of putting out.
Uh-uh.
Try harder.
All right, hey, pretty lady, How 'bout we try out that no-fantasy policy right now? Better.
I'm gonna make you forget all about That pilates looooooo-zer! Mm, I bet you will, my big, sexy man.
Oh, my god, have you guys been here all day? We took an hour break when beth had lunch.
Yeah, she spotted us at the park.
If it comes up, we're avid bird-watchers.
This is insane.
She's a waitress.
- They're paid to be friendly.
- Exactly.
- That's what I keep telling him.
- I was talking to both of you.
- What? She likes me! - Really? Just like roxie the lap dancer liked you.
Yes, she did.
The only thing that stood between us and happiness Was club policy.
Seriously, when are you guys gonna stop kidding yourselves? You know what, mr.
Dunbar, Perhaps we should admit that jennifer has a point.
Yeah, maybe she's right.
I don't think she's into either of us.
We should get out of here.
- Uhh - Hey.
I don't know if you guys have room, But here's a muffin on the house.
Oh.
Both: See? She gave me a muffin.
Both: She gave it to me! Give it! - Mine! - My muffin! Gimme! You're embarrassing! Wait, wait, wait! Something wonderful's happening.
Oh, god! Oh, this can't be right.
No! No, stay here.
Hello.
I don't know if you all remember, But yesterday you had some fun at my expense, And then at the expense of jen.
But to show her that there is nothing to be ashamed of, I decided to wear my colors with pride.
Oh, well, that's good because you've got That big parade coming up, I think.
Look, honey, I know you're doing this To try and win me over.
There's just nothing good about this.
It's kind of lame.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Oh, no, my little sister's balloon! Oh, that's really up there.
- I'll see if we have a ladder.
- Beth That won't be necessary.
If I may? [sharp exhale.]
Ready, and up! [applause.]
- You're like a superhero.
- No Just a simple cheerleader.
It's what we do.
You know what, - That was actually impressive.
- See? There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
And way to have spirit, everybody! - Okay, that's plenty.
- * we got spirit * * yeah, yeah, we got spirit * * yeah, yeah, we got what, what * * what, what, what-wh-wh-what * * we got spirit * Whoo! There's your boy! All right, everybody, check this one out.
* let's go * * we're pirates, not sailors * * but pirates, but pirates * * there's no need to remind us * * the football team's behind us * My pants are falling off.