Weeds s05e13 Episode Script

Previously on Weeds: If I was shot in my jerk-off arm, I'd be mad too.
I can make the pain go away any time with a piII but I don't want to.
Hey, fuck you, man.
They smoked heroin.
Her friends suck.
She kind of sucks.
I'm gonna out-Nancy, Nancy.
You two idiots wanna get back at Mom, right? AII right, then.
Let's do this right.
You know, I couId use a IittIe more snakebite for my Iips.
Nancy, it's me.
The cops are after me.
I have this bag fuII of pIants.
-I need your help.
-Bingo.
I knew it was a bad idea having you pick me up.
GayIe has a thing for me.
They're dangerous, Andy.
Fornicators! I'm gonna ask Audra to marry me.
I wanna give her my mom's ring.
The ring that Judah gave you.
So can I have it? PiIar Zuazo, I want her dead.
Depends if you can heIp me out.
Get my case transferred to Mexico.
Esteban Reyes? He's not here.
-What? -He was reIeased four hours ago.
He's back on the ticket.
She puIIed him back in.
Good morning.
I'II step outside so you can get undressed.
-Yeah, what is this? -A gift.
For you.
No, thank you.
I don't want it.
I can't Ieave this room untiI I've done my job.
PIease Ieave.
I can see you need me.
Let me heIp you.
Don't make me sit on you.
ReIax.
ReIax.
-Sorry.
-Don't be sorry.
Just be Iimp.
You know my husband's running for governor? Yes, I heard.
CongratuIations.
ReIax.
And breathe.
-He's a puppet.
-You be my puppet.
Let me puII the strings.
-Men are weak.
-Some men are weak.
Women are strong.
-UntiI they faII apart.
-You are not going to faII apart.
-Oh, no? What makes you so sure? -You're a warrior.
Like the boss.
Very simiIar.
Locked up in aII the same pIaces.
Armored and ready for battIe.
WeII, at Ieast we stiII have that in common.
You'd be surprised how much you have in common with PiIar.
-PiIar? -Yes.
She sent me to you.
She wanted you feeIing reIaxed and weII.
Did we do the job? -There you are, you feraI bitch.
-Stop right there.
Digging the hair.
You got this whoIe crazy-gypsy thing going on.
Wanna Iick my crystaI baIIs? I have a proposition for you.
Does it invoIve Iicking my crystaI baIIs? I have some product I'm trying to unIoad.
And I wiII Iet it go cheap.
Fire saIe.
I'm out of here.
I'm getting out of this business.
Since when are you in the business? -Anyway, I'm broke.
-How broke? I got $3 7.
Crap.
How about this? You take my stuff on credit, you reopen that IittIe shop and then pay me back in a timeIy fashion.
And if you screw me on the deaI I'II have your Iegs broken by a Mexican goon.
What do you say? DeaI? Let me see what you got.
That's not my pot.
Where did you get this? What are you taIking about? Nothing.
-Oh, my God.
You know.
-Know what? Oh, Christ.
Of course.
Fucking Dean.
You're the worst actor ever.
Where's my pot, you stinky gash? -My pot-store pot.
-I soId your pot-store pot.
-Then where's my money? -I rented a condo and bought this pot.
This is my pot and you owe me.
I am not Ietting you have that.
I have worked too hard for it.
-You were begging me to take this.
-That's because the heat is on.
-That doesn't mean you can take it.
-That's right.
I'm gonna caII that bIack cop and have you arrested.
Wait, wait, wait.
How did you know he was bIack? -What? -You son of a bitch.
I thought you were breast-feeding.
I had a IittIe too much to drink Iast night.
I know.
Here I go, faiIing yet another one of my chiIdren.
I didn't say that.
No, you didn't.
You don't say much of anything to me anymore.
What am I supposed to say? I don't know.
So there we are.
You shouId go feed the baby.
Hey, guys.
Gotta go feed the baby.
Then you shouId do that.
I fed both of you.
Breast-fed both of you.
I did.
WeII, thanks.
You're weIcome.
Weirdness.
She's Mom.
She's Mom.
-Who is it? -AdeIita.
She probabIy snuck out to see those fucking idiots and can't get in.
HeIIo? Hey.
Where are you? I'II be there in a sec.
-Where is she? -She's here.
In her room.
-She wants me to come up there.
-Wear a condom.
-You Iearned that Iesson, huh? -Or don't.
See what wiII happen.
Maybe she sIept with someone who sIept with someone famous.
You couId get Gwyneth PaItrow's herpes or Lady Gaga's genitaI warts.
I hear everyone is dying for John Mayer's syphiIis.
Where do you get your inteI? I make it up.
-Hey.
-Hey there.
Do you see--? See my Iaptop over there? On my desk? -Yeah.
-Yeah.
CouId you Iook up? CouId you just bring it to me? Just.
Just put it on the bed by this hand and open it for me, and go.
You caIIed me up here to get your Iaptop which is 4 feet away from your bed? Go fuck yourseIf, princess.
No.
SiIas.
Wait.
Hey-- HaIf my body's gone numb.
I just wanna go onIine and try to find out why.
You wanna GoogIe why haIf your body is numb? -Yes.
-You couId be having a stroke.
I'm not having a stroke.
Okay, this has happened before.
WeII, it was just my hand, okay? Because I hit a nerve one time I sIammed into my wrist.
It was-- It was dumb.
SIammed? Injected.
Heroin.
HoIy shit.
You're a junkie.
I'm a recreationaI user, okay? Fuck you.
Is this from the stuff you were smoking? No.
I think it was from the stuff I took Iater.
Perfect.
I'm caIIing your dad.
Don't you fucking dare.
Okay? I thought you were cooI.
You never thought I was cooI.
That's true.
Just-- Just get out of here.
I don't know why I caIIed you anyway.
I just.
I'II be fine.
Sure.
-Good Iuck to you.
-Wait.
SiIas.
SiIas.
CouId you maybe shoot me up just once before you go? You've got to be kidding me.
-Okay, ready? -I'm not sure.
Okay, get ready, then.
-Okay.
-Because this is sexy.
-Sexy? -Yeah.
Sexy.
Okay.
Sexy.
Sexy.
You're turned on, huh? It's a fIex fueI.
I registered it under a pseudonym so the wackos can't trace it.
-I unIisted our phone number.
-You soId GeneraI Lee.
Yeah, and the sIot machine and the air hockey and a few other things.
Not ''Ms.
Pac-Man''? No.
What are you, crazy? I Iove you, but I've known Ms.
Pac-Man Ionger.
She'II have a pIace in my heart.
So if you're threatened, then we need to taIk it out.
-I wanna see inside.
-AII right.
Watch this.
That's nice.
Yeah.
See, it's aII about the gIide.
I'm thinking Greased Lightning or MeIvin.
I haven't settIed on a name for him yet.
-This is Iike a Iiving room.
-Yeah.
Come sit in the front.
Okay.
Nice.
Come on.
Oh, my God, there's two TV screens.
That's bonkers.
Don't make me come back there.
Come on.
Fine.
Here I come.
This feeIs good.
A IittIe Iumbar support.
This is great.
-DigitaI air conditioning.
-What if we got those air fresheners? -Where wouId we put that? -I hate those.
They make me sneeze.
And then we'd Iose our new-car smeII.
Wow, GPS.
Look at the rearview mirror.
What? Is there something behind us? No, there's nothing behind us.
Everything's in front of us.
Everything is in front of us.
So, just-- Oh, Iook.
You know, you shouIdn't Ieave that there.
If Iight hits that and it gets refracted into your eyes it couId momentariIy bIind you and you couId crash.
-So maybe I shouId take it down.
-Yeah.
-Just to be safe.
-Yeah.
Wanna marry me? Just to be safe.
Fuck.
HeIIo? -Audra? Oh, thank God.
-She can't taIk right now, buddy.
And neither can I.
It's a-- Gotta go.
Bad timing.
No, Andy.
Please.
I have to talk to Audra.
It's an emergency.
You're kiIIing me.
Did someone eIse get shot? Did you enjoy your massage? CandeIa's magicaI.
Yes.
MagicaI.
Not as magicaI as Esteban.
He disappears, he reappears.
Esteban and I can never stay mad at each other for too Iong.
We've aIways been a great team.
So I'm guessing death andlor bIackmaiI andlor imprisonment is the gIue that hoIds you together.
We have come to an understanding.
I'm so happy for you both.
I thought you were bad for him.
The poIIsters have toId me otherwise.
You know, I can admit when I've made a mistake.
He wiII win, even married to you.
But it wouId stiII be best if you stayed in the background.
Oh, don't mind me.
Can you Ieave my house now? Nancy.
It's okay.
I shouId go to prepare for the party tonight.
Big party at my house, Nancy.
Fundraiser for the campaign.
You shouId come.
For 30 minutes.
Then, you wiII get a headache and Ieave.
I promise to deIiver him back before dawn.
So.
You had some day yesterday.
Yes.
I went Iooking for you.
I know.
I found you on TV.
You Iook good on TV.
She has everything.
Every indiscretion.
Documented.
Photographed.
And I couId cooperate.
I couId go to prison for Iife.
Those were my options.
What wouId you have me do? Is that--? Are you wearing my deodorant? It's for men.
I Iike it.
I don't wanna have my nose in your armpit and smeII myseIf.
So don't put your nose in my armpit.
No.
Do you hear me? I don't Iike you wearing it.
I-- I Iike the way it smeIIs.
You smeII Iike a man.
You wiII not wear it again.
Is that cIear? Yeah.
I got it.
You're the man.
You know, I was just thinking about you.
See, I saw a dogfight last night.
Two pit buII bitches ripped the shit out of each other.
One of them had a reaIIy nice ass.
-Where are you? -Mexico.
Thanks, blanca.
You know, it's nice to be free.
-That was fast.
-Yeah.
-You did good by me.
-I want it done today, GuiIIermo.
Today.
I heId up my end.
Just do it.
Sure, it's no probIem.
I'm your boy, right? So you're benefiting from my experience.
When Quinn tied me up, I chafed.
You shouId be pretty comfortabIe.
-So, what happens now? -WeII I go back to my fabuIousIy successfuI career as a drug deaIer because there are no bIack cops Iooking for me.
What happens to me? WeII, I haven't thought that through yet.
-I couId seII your organs.
-You've had the best one.
-I don't do dick anymore.
-Do teII.
-I met a Iady.
-Nice.
She is nice.
Nice to me.
She understands how a woman works.
When we kiss, it's soft.
And our breasts press against each other, and-- Oh, who am I kidding? I need dick.
-Who is she? -She seIIs cosmetics.
-You fucked RayIene? -You know her? I tried to know her, but she Iikes girI parts.
-And success.
-Yeah, weII, you pretty much stoIe -any chance I had at that.
-WeII, survivaI of the fittest.
-You were stupid.
-And you were greedy.
-Like you wouIdn't do the same thing.
-That's not the point.
-WeII, what is? -We were greedy and stupid.
Look where it got us.
Sitting here in some storage Iocker.
You with the stench of pussy on your Iips, me with a drawer-dented dick.
WeII, speak for yourseIf, because I am just fine.
UntiI the next time you think a cop's watching you.
Wow, you foIded so quick.
-Maybe you're not cut out for this.
-No.
I wanna be a drug deaIer.
If Nancy can do it, so can I.
-How did she do it? -She had a team.
I need a team.
PeopIe I can trust.
-I don't trust anybody.
-That's gonna make it hard -to put together a team.
-Nancy had a team.
I want a team.
-WouId you wanna team up with me? -Fuck you.
So who are you gonna team up with then? -Fine.
But you team up with me.
-What difference does it make -who teams up with who? -It makes aII the difference.
You're tied up.
Bottom, top.
-Andy.
-Oh, hi, Nance.
Hi, Nancy.
Nice to see you.
TeII me someone eIse hasn't gotten shot.
No, no.
It's-- I'm here to see my nephews and say hi.
Thank God.
She's in here.
You said you wouIdn't say anything.
She's roaming the haIIs.
I don't know.
What the fuck is going on? I think AdeIita OD'd or something.
OD'd on what? Heroin.
She's a junkie.
Hey, SiIas, come in with me.
I'II find you when I know more.
We don't wanna overwheIm her.
-Right.
-Okay, sweetie.
HeaIer of the sick.
Saver of Iives.
I Iove you.
-So you did it, huh? -I did.
She's a doctor.
I'm marrying a doctor.
-And she actuaIIy said yes? -She wiII.
She's hooked.
-Ding Dong? -Oh, yeah.
AdeIita's a junkie.
I think with the accent, it's ''yunkie.
'' Jesus.
Fancy boarding schooI, speaks three Ianguages but a negIected chiId is a negIected chiId.
You're gIoating.
What? You're gIoating.
You're gIad Esteban's daughter's a drug addict.
-More than a IittIe gIad.
-I am not.
It's horribIe.
Esteban's gonna be heartbroken.
-GIoating.
-A IittIe.
No, I'm not.
He did put down my chiIdren.
ToId me I shouId have sent them away.
BIoom is off the rose, huh? LittIe sorry that you pIedged eternaI Iove and devotion? I can't reIy on men.
It doesn't mean I don't Iove them.
It doesn't mean I waIk out.
It just means I adjusted my expectations.
Men are weak.
I'm not.
I'm fucking steeI.
Yes, you are.
And you're getting married.
Yep.
We're Iike an O.
Henry story.
No.
We're our own fucked-up IittIe story.
-Why is he aIways here? -Afternoon.
-I Iike him.
-Hey.
Congrats on your new run.
Yeah, weII, thank you.
Sit down.
Join us.
Andy just proposed to Audra this morning.
CongratuIations.
Marriage is a compIicated and deIicate dance.
Yeah.
It is.
SeII it.
So why are--? Why are you here? And not with your fiancée? Oh, she's here too.
-Who eIse got shot? -Nobody got shot.
AdeIita wasn't feeIing weII.
Why didn't you teII me that? What's the matter? What's the matter? -I shouId go see her.
-Audra's up there.
You can go and see her in a IittIe whiIe.
What is the matter with my daughter? She is pregnant, isn't she? Stupid, stupid girI.
Oh, come on, now.
I hear she speaks three Ianguages.
She's not pregnant, Esteban.
She has a heroin probIem.
What are you taIking about? AdeIita? That's impossibIe.
Hey, I know aII the best rehabs.
I'm totaIIy addicted to that show Intervention.
Can't.
He can't.
WeII, then, I wiII.
Thank you for coming on such short notice but I figured we're aII unempIoyed and had nothing eIse to do, so.
I'm CeIia Hodes.
Team Ieader.
Doug WiIson.
Finance.
Co-team Ieader.
Dean Hodes.
LegaI.
Sanjay PateI.
SaIes.
Ignacio MoreIIo Jr.
SuppIy.
Perro Insano.
MuscIe.
Down, boy.
-Introduce yourseIf.
-We aII know each other.
Do you want to pIay or not? Fine.
IsabeIIe Hodes.
Brains.
I have a team.
I have to take it off when I do surgeries.
You're gonna have to take it off if you don't say yes, aIready.
So, what did you and Nancy taIk about? I don't remember.
I was too busy thinking about you.
-BuIIshit.
-It's true, I was.
I was thinking about how you owe me an ''I Iove you'' from when I said it in the haII outside the junkie's room.
WeII, in that case, I Iove you.
I Iove you more.
Have a seat, sinners.
Mom arranged it for her to go to some pIace in Arizona.
She's on the pIane now.
It was weird seeing Esteban cry.
Fucking idiots.
SIow down there, cowboy.
I enjoy the bubbIes.
I'm not gonna become an IV drug user.
No.
You Iike pain too much.
Why didn't you go to Europe? Because it Iooked Iike you were gonna go off the deep end and I wanted to be around to jump in.
You shouId go.
I'II be fine.
We'II see.
There's aIso Mom to worry about.
-The TefIon Warrior? -One day, her Iuck's gonna run out.
You having a good time? The tuna poke is good.
-Get used to it.
-Get use to tuna poke? Get used to the roIe you're pIaying.
Get used to PiIar and her ways.
I'm not prepared to get used to PiIar and her ways.
No? WeII, what a bad GirI Scout you are.
I've prepared in other ways.
Have you now? Oh, mini-sIiders.
You know, you shouId get one before you have to go.
Yeah.
We'II taIk about that Iater.
I'm leaving.
No.
No, no.
I'm sorry, Nancy.
I'm sorry about everything.
It's Iife.
That's what Shane toId me.
Something happens today, something eIse wiII happen tomorrow.
Yeah.
Wait.
It's coId outside.
Here.
I'm not going anywhere, you know? TeII the boys I'II meet them in the car.
You're trusting me with your kids? We're aII broken.
I know.
My time is up.
Why don't we take a waIk first.
-You Iook nice.
-WeII, thank you.
You Iook nice too.
So GuiIIermo.
Interesting choice.
GuiIIermo? I admire the cojones.
Next time, you might wanna hire someone who doesn't work for me and who isn't stiII mad at you for ratting him out.
I'II keep that in mind.
Next time.
Now, if you'II excuse me, some bitch toId me I had to Ieave earIy.
Your press-on naiIs are digging into my arm.
-You think this is a joke? -You took a fucking shot at me and you hit my kid.
And you cut my husband's baIIs off.
That's three you owe me.
Four if we count the baIIs separateIy.
Let's make it six.
We're counting yours too? Esteban needs you and the baby for photos but SiIas and Shane, they are-- What's the word? Extraneous.
We don't need them to compIete our pretty pictures.
You come anywhere near my chiIdren, I'II kiII you myseIf.
You Iook stunning in bIack.
The peopIe wiII be very sympathetic toward the grieving mother who has just Iost her beautifuI chiIdren in a tragic car accident? Or perhaps a pIane crash.
Or perhaps-- A croquet maIIet? I couIdn't find a goIf cIub.