Family Guy s05e14 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy We now return to America's Next Top Model.
I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra.
You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.
You know what? How dare you? You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now! - Hey there, Mort.
- Hi, Lois.
Neil's doing a report on Christianity at school.
Do you have any crucifixes I can borrow? Preferably one without the little fellow on it? Oh, of course.
There's one in the den.
Help yourself.
God, I'm sick of Mort always borrowing our stuff.
He's a bigger mooch than the Mexican Super Friends.
Hey, Mexican Superman, can I talk to you for a sec? When you signed the lease, you said there was gonna be, like, five of you living here.
Oh, no, they're not all living here.
They're just visiting.
Hey, Mexican Superman.
I got the keys made.
Hey, Mexican Batman, get out of here.
What? I got, like, 60 keys.
- That ought to keep Mort away.
- Peter, what the hell is that? Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a scare-Jew.
Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard.
It's racist, and for God's sake, you ruined your best suit.
Now, we're gonna have to get you a new one Shh! Lois, Lois, look.
Hey, guys.
I just wanted to return your Oh! Oh, my God, it's Hitler! He's back! He's back! Hurry, protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew! Why do we have to get me a suit here? Well, since you keep ruining them, I'm not going to buy you a brand-new one.
Yes, I'll take this teddy bear, this ruler, this piece of string and this cardboard box.
Oh, look.
An "On The Raggedy Ann" doll.
It's water weight, you bastard! Get off me! I'm not your whore.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so sad.
Well, I guess I can still play with it three weeks out of the month.
- Hi, there.
See anything you like? - Oh, I'm just browsing.
Say, you look like you could use an activity book with half the activities done.
- Wow, that would save me half the time.
- Connect the dots? Ha! More like set the book down and have a beer.
You got yourself a deal.
What are those? Oh, that's a pair of red flannel feety pajamas.
Good Lord.
See, they've got a flap that opens up in the back.
Are you telling me I could be pooping and warm? Exactly.
No longer would I have to make a choice between the two.
Sir, here is a check with my name on it.
Write down any number on this piece of paper, and I will pay it.
All right.
So, we roll the dice, and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud.
- At the same time? - Yeah.
And you have to flap your wrists, like this.
- And you'll do it, too? - Of course.
That's how it's done.
- Okay.
- All right, ready? - Okay, you're gonna do with me? - Oh, yeah.
- Yahtzee! - Gay.
You suck! Hey, everybody.
I'm home from work.
My God, Peter, you wore those pajamas to your office? Hey, at least I'm mixing it up a little bit.
Green shirt, tan pants, that's refreshing.
Oh, boy, does it feel good to undo my butt flap.
Ew! Dad! We don't want to sit here and look at your ass.
Yes.
I'd rather look at Meg toweling off after a shower when she does that butt floss thing.
Ew! Ew! That's so disgusting.
I hope I don't ever accidentally use that towel.
Lois, I have never been more comfortable as a person than I am in these feety pajamas, all warm and furry.
This is what it feels like to be a bear.
You remember what I used to say, Lois, when we first got married? You remember? I used to say, "What would it feel like to be a bear?" Well, this is it.
This is it.
- I'm living it, baby.
- No, you're not.
You've been wearing those things for three days.
You can wear them to bed, but tomorrow we're getting rid of them.
Fine.
Screw up all my fuzziness.
What the hell was that? Oh, my God.
Lois don't get alarmed, but I think I might be Jesus.
- I'm Jesus.
- Peter, that's a static shock.
Your pajamas created a charge of electricity when you dragged your feet across the carpet, and when you touched Chris, you passed it on.
- Kneel before Christ! - Ah! Dad! I am not your dad.
I am Electric Man.
Ow! Damn it, Peter.
Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.
J.
Verdict with my old roommate.
We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.
- Yes! - What the hell? - What? - What? - Maybe we should get new roommates.
- Yeah, maybe we should.
Peter? I know you're in here.
Yes, I am, Lois, but where? Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you.
You'll have to find me first, Lois.
Where could I be? Well, there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before.
- I got to figure you're in there.
- How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York style magazine kiosk.
Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Yes, you might say it was shockingly expensive.
I'm going to try the Quonset hut.
I was in the bathroom.
The hut and the kiosk, decoys, Lois, decoys! Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Well, you know, Lois, I got to confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for.
That's why I rushed over, but It's fine.
It's fine.
Whatever.
I'm happy to help.
What the hell is this? Peter, I've had it with all your shocking.
And since you won't get rid of those pajamas, I'm getting rid of the carpets.
Hey, Lois, you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, unicorn, something like that? No.
I want it all gone, Glenn.
All right, we're going Brazilian.
Hey, what's this? Some kind of really old coin.
Let me see that.
Wait a minute, do you know what this is? This is an 18th-century Rhode Island ship token.
- This thing's got to be worth 50 grand.
- 50 grand? Oh, my God! I can finally afford that operation to swap my vocal cords with Patrick Stewart.
Hey, Lois.
Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning.
My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.
Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week.
Don't you think it's time we did something with it? - Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours? - What? - What? - 'Cause I had an idea.
- Remember when we first got married - And I said, "I wonder what it would be like to be a bear"? No, no, no.
I'm talking about that dream we had, Peter.
Remember? We tried to open that restaurant, and we never quite got it going.
Yeah, we got shut down 'cause of my exploding cupcakes.
Mmm.
I hope these taste as good as they look.
Gerald! The secret is in the frosting, but I'll never tell.
Well, here's another chance to open a restaurant.
You're right.
And I'll make my special cupcakes.
- No, Peter - Oh, yeah, right.
That was the problem.
All right, everybody, only three hours till opening.
This is going to be the coolest place in Quahog.
All the movers and shakers and bigwigs are gonna eat here, but not the small wigs.
Hey, I'm hungry.
I got a credit card.
Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
I hope it goes well.
Oh, yes, I'm sure it will go as well as Liza Minnelli's Playboy shoot.
Oh, God, please put your clothes back on.
Mama Mama Do you love me now, Mama? Please love me, Mama! Good evening.
Welcome to Big Pete's House of Munch.
- May I help you? - Yes, do you accept the Discover card? Hey, Lois.
Diamond Jim Brady over here just asked if we accept the Discover card.
Oh, they're in an exclusive club called "anybody.
" Yeah.
No, no, no, I don't think so.
You know You know, I would rather take two live chickens than your fly-by-night credit card.
I would rather take a jar of pennies thats value was less than that of your bill.
- Look, you don't have to insult me.
- No, no, no.
You are going to sit there and listen to the funny things I would take instead of your credit card.
The guy at table seven complained there's not enough juice on his prime rib.
Oh, did he now? Here, let me take care of that for him.
Tell him, '"Bon appétit, douche bag.
" Oh, look, it's one of those early Maude episodes with the really long opening credit sequence.
Lady Godiva was a freedom rider She didn't care if the whole world looked Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her She was a sister who really cooked Madame Curie was a strong woman character Workin'all day in a science lab, yeah Clara Barton was a famous nurse who was rapping with the soldiers and bandages, too Susan B.
Anthony always out doin' stuff Marchin'around and holdin' up signs And then, there's Maude.
Pocahontas had it all goin' on What the hell? An Indian guide with lots of Indian pride Indira Gandhi ran a whole big country That isn't easy even if you're a guy And then, there's Maude.
Babe Zaharias was a really good athlete Oh, come on! Good at track and field and professional golf, too And then, there's Maude! Amelia Earhart flew a lot of airplanes Except for that one time when she didn't come back Cleopatra lived way out in the desert And then, there's Maude! Come on! But still found a way to keep herself looking fine And then, there's Maude Ah! Ah! There we go! That was an ordeal.
Well, Peter, this has been an amazing week.
You and I own a restaurant.
Can you believe it? I know.
I feel like I'm dreaming.
Wait.
Maybe I am dreaming.
That means I can do whatever I want without consequences.
- What are you doing? - I just adopted 30 puppies.
You guys, I have some bad news.
I just finished going over the books, and this restaurant is hemorrhaging money.
- What? Well, how is that possible? - Isn't it obvious? We're not getting enough customers.
This place is like a ghost town half the time.
Yeah, maybe somebody should have asked me.
After all, I'm the only one in this family with any business experience.
All right, Violet and Pigpen, you've been seeing each other a few weeks now.
What seems to be the problem? I keep getting bladder infections, and I don't know why.
Really? You don't know why? I don't know what to do, guys.
The House of Munch is going down the tubes.
Maybe you need to do a little advertising, Peter.
Well, I tried.
I even hired M.
Night Shyamalan to direct my TV commercial.
- I have a secret to tell you.
- What is it? Come closer.
I see good food at competitive prices.
At Big Pete's House of Munch.
Stop on by.
Unfortunately, they couldn't air it, 'cause it turns out M.
Night Shyamalan was involved with September 11th.
You know, Peter, my buddies and I have been looking for a new hangout.
Our usual donut shop has gotten a little Puerto Ricany.
What if we made your place our new spot? - Joe, that's a great idea.
- Fantastic.
We'll see you tonight.
This is awesome.
Bunch of cops in uniform hanging out in my restaurant? This is going to be cooler than that time Ben Stiller taught me how to be myself.
But how can you leave me now, Ben Stiller, when I need you more than ever? I've taught you everything you need to know, Peter.
Now, it's time for me to go help another child.
I guess I just fooled myself into thinking you'd always be with me.
I will, Peter.
I will always be with you.
His movies are terrible.
Lois, roll out the red carpet.
- Here comes Joe and his cop buddies.
- You got tables for 30? Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe.
I thought you were bringing your cop friends over.
What are all these parallelograms doing here? You mean paraplegics.
These are my friends, Peter.
Come on, guys.
Let's eat.
Oh, God.
I hope there's not one of those angry, handicapped Vietnam guys with the bandana on his head.
Oh, there he is.
I've seen some things, man, and some stuff.
I wouldn't recommend it.
Peter, isn't this wonderful? The place is packed.
Uh Lois, aren't you a little freaked out by this? Why? Everybody's having a great time.
Besides, think of the money we're making.
I don't care about that.
I wanted a cool restaurant, not the cafeteria at the veterans' hospital.
This is weirder than that rap video by M.
C.
Escher.
Going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the stairs and going down the stairs And going up the sideways stairs And in local news, a new restaurant is taking Quahog by storm.
That's right, Diane.
If you're handicapped, or know someone who's handicapped or just happen to be a fan of the circus, then come on down to Big Pete's House of Munch, where the elite without feet meet to eat.
Lois, this is insanity.
I think we should shut down the restaurant.
But why? We're doing so well.
Lois, let me explain something to you, all right? Cripples are not cool.
Hang on.
I'm gonna get the picture.
Oh, Peter, don't What do you see here, Lois? - Do we have to - What do you see? - A picture of Mark Harmon.
- A picture of Mark Harmon, the greatest actor who ever lived.
Do you see a wheelchair under Mark Harmon? - Peter - Lois, do you see a wheelchair under Mark Harmon? - No.
- No, you do not, because Mark Harmon is cool.
And I know what you're thinking.
" Peter, this is just like your Gil Gerard speech.
" And you can stop right in your tracks, because it is not.
Granted, it is similar to the Gil Gerard speech, but it Peter, I like our restaurant the way it is, and if you don't, that's your problem.
Fine, then, I'll deal with this myself.
All right, here they come.
Hey, Peter, we're here for dinner.
Oh, no, you're not, Joe.
We have a new policy.
Can't you read the sign? - Peter, what the hell is that all about? - It's a message, Joe.
I don't want you and your kind eating here anymore.
You're ruining what was supposed to be a cool establishment.
Peter, you're one of my closest friends.
Are you telling me that you have a problem with me being handicapped? As a matter of fact, Joe, yes.
I think it's immoral.
It's a lifestyle choice you're forcing on America.
We handicapped are a proud people! Yeah, when you're not drinking and gambling on your reservations, which we gave you.
Fine.
If that's the way you want it, but we're not going to go down easy.
Okay, that was easy.
But I'll be back with more handicapped guys.
Dad, look! Here they come! Peter, we'll give you one last chance to let us in! What are you going to do, Joe? I'm up here and you're down there.
Very well, Peter.
You leave us no choice.
Men, form up Crippletron! Help! Help! Somebody, help me! Ben Stiller, help me.
No, Peter.
I heard what you said about my movies.
- How did you hear? - Hello! Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.
Mrs.
Griffin, I'm afraid he'll never walk again Without remembering how lucky he is that he'll only be in this wheelchair for two weeks.
That leg should heal up just fine.
Peter, you do realize you deserve this for the way you treated Joe? - I think you owe him an apology.
- Are you kidding, Lois? It ain't my fault that him and all his gimpy friends don't fit in with regular society.
But I'm gonna be different.
I'll be a dignified cripple and I'll show 'em all how it's done.
Don't wish it away Don't look at it like it's forever Between you and me I could honestly say That things can only get better And while I'm away Dust out the demons inside And it won't be long Before you and me run To the place in our hearts Where we hide And I guess that's why They call it the blues And I guess that's why They call it the blues - Joe, you got a minute? - What is it, Peter? I just wanted to apologize.
I thought you and your friends were just a bunch of gross cripples, but I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes now, and I see how tough it is.
Well, Peter, it's been a rough week for both of us, but it means a lot to me to hear you say that.
So, what do you say? Can we put all this behind us? I'd like nothing better.
Hey, Bonnie and I are watching Grey's Anatomy if you want to come in.
Oh, boy, Joe, I got to tell you.
That, that That sounds awful.