Married with Children s05e14 Episode Script

Uh, no, thanks, boy.
I'm not hungry.
Feed me, you big, rumpled shoe salesman.
Yep.
Quite a day, isn't it, boy? Wife in Wanker County, visitin' the relatives, and ol' Dad here waitin' for his favorite dessert in the history of the world.
Yep, cherry cheesecake from the famous Chuck's Cheese Bowl.
Can you feel the excitement, boy? Feed me.
No breakfast for me today.
I want the first taste in my mouth to be cherry cheesecake.
Yeah, you wouldn't want that first taste to be toothpaste or anything.
Oh, Bud, I'm goin' to work.
Listen, uh, there's somethin' I need you to do, but I can't think of what it is.
Feed the dog.
Feed the dog.
Feed the dog.
Oh, yeah, feed the dog.
Yes! You want some food, boy? Well, gee, if you're done sifting through your Playboys.
Let's just see what's in this stuff, huh? Hm.
"Beef byproducts "chicken byproducts corn meal.
" Hey.
Hey, stop that! Oh, he's getting germs all over it.
Oh, now it's ruined.
Well, you sleep with him, you might as well eat like him.
I-- I wasn't eating anything.
I-- I just thought I-- I heard something.
Can the malarkey.
Share.
Well, would you look at this? This is a lot better than getting gassed at the pound.
Listen, Kel, I'm going to play some soccer.
Oh, uh, Dad told me to tell you to feed the dog.
Oh, no, not the girl! What was I supposed to do? I'm dead.
Let's see.
I woke up, so that's not it.
I showered, brushed, dressed, came home Well, my job's done.
I guess it's time to go to the mall.
Bye, boy.
Well, when the going gets tough, the tough drink outta the toilet.
* I was born in the junkyard * * A child of the streets * * My dinner Was cats and garbage * * And other tasty treats * * Police chased and caught me * * I was in the pound alone * * The Bundys came and got me * * Didn't even bring a bone * * I'm hungry out here * * I ain't talkin' jive * * I'll eat anything * * Even if it's alive * * Don't want no fax machine * * Got no use for phones * * Don't even want My belly rubbed * * Just give me A blood-stained bone * * I'm starvin' out here, mama * * Got no food to call my own * * You better watch Your wives and children * * I'm out here prowlin' For a bone * Hey, the little tramp.
Hey, I bet you're hungry.
No, I just like kissin' foreign butt.
How about some meatball, yes? Meatballs? Meatballs would be very nice, sir.
Do not feed the dog.
It's the boss.
Shh.
I'm trying to run Italian restaurant here.
That's tomorrow's special.
Oh, well, there's always the soul-food place up the street run by Koreans.
Whoa, mama! Look at the two pair of legs on this bitch.
Hey, baby.
Did you get the message I left for you on the hydrant down the street? Oh, God, not another jerk.
Look, I have no time.
I'm getting ready to run into traffic and kill myself.
Whoa, heavy.
Hey, uh, you wanna give me a little somethin' first? You know, that way you can die with a wag on your tail.
I'd rather live.
Well, aren't you even gonna ask me why I'm gonna kill myself? Uh, with my luck, I get the one that wants to talk.
Okay, baby.
What's the problem? No one loves me.
I have no family.
It's tough out here on the street.
Uh, yeah, that's too bad.
Hey, listen, uh, you've got a little piece of lint on your back.
Want me to get that for ya? Heh-heh.
I'd rather give it up to Garfield.
Oh, baby, look, uh, I know what you're thinkin', uh, but I'm no street trash.
I got me a crib in the 'burbs, you know? Two bathrooms: one in the front yard, one in the back.
Come on, check it out.
Hm, well All right.
But keep it holstered, okay? Hey, you got it, baby.
Mmm.
Must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that.
Daddy, aren't you gonna eat your burger? No.
I shall not soil my palate until my cheesecake has arrived.
Can Dad's life be so empty that a piece of cheesecake is this important? Is this your first day here? It's my cheesecake! What the hell is this? Aw, look.
Buck brought home a little girlfriend.
No more of Dad's shoe for you, huh, big boy? No, from now on, they're both yours.
Aw, isn't she cute? My, God, the girl reeks of construction workers and peroxide.
It's here! It's here! Well, we're back.
Yeah, we got it.
You wouldn't believe the trouble-- Do you know what hell we went through to get you that cheesecake? We had to cut our honeymoon short so that we could make a two-day trek through the dark side of Wisconsin's cheese country.
Livin' off cheese wine, nibblin' on cheese bread, havin' to make cheap cheese love.
And we almost got lost a thousand times.
Well, that's why I sent Peg with you as a guide.
Yeah, thanks so much for sending you wife on our honeymoon.
Without her playing pinochle with us every night, we don't know what we would have done.
Well, she's been beggin' for a second honeymoon for years, so I figured, better you than me.
Kids here we go.
Yeow! Ugh.
Jeez, there must be a dead man in there.
Ah, boy, you know there's no mistakin' real cheese.
And, you know, pumpkin, they age this cheese six months.
Where, in the belly of a bear? Ugh.
Let's do it.
I'm going in.
This is a horrible hoax! This isn't an authentic Chuck's Cheese Bowl cherry cheesecake! You went to the wrong place! I don't think there are a lot of Chuck's Cheese Bowls in Tanoose, Wisconsin.
Just a belch and a holler from Wanker County.
Where we met so many nice people who said wise things like, "I gots my own teeth.
" Yeah, and, uh, "I'll trade you my sister for your Bic lighter.
" Ah, yes, we had such a great time.
We must show you the slides of me getting fondled at the gas station by something that was half-man, half-owl.
Dad, they met Cousin Hooty.
Well, anyway.
We saved the receipt so you could repay us.
All right, I got the money out in the car.
Good.
Thirty-four, ninety-five? Right.
We'll make it a nice even $35 for your trouble.
Okay.
Thanks a lot.
That would be good-- Like I'd really pay for the wrong cheesecake.
Or the right one.
Man, I'm starving to death.
Where's my burger? Hey, babe, I told you I'd take care of you.
Now, how about sharin' some of that burger with your sugar doggie? I would, but he's in Mexico.
Come on, let's go play with the new dog.
Did anybody feed Buck? Who's Buck? You dirty son of a Come here, Buck.
Wrong cheesecake.
All I want out of life is a rancid piece of Chuck's Cheese Bowl famous cherry cheesecake.
Can't even get it.
I'm so depressed.
Why can't my life be as good as yours, boy? Ugh, take a shower.
Well, if this is Chuck's Cheese Bowl, you should know what his name is.
He was your chef for 24 years.
No, I'm not the IRS.
Chitty Chitty Cheese Bang.
In Wisconsin.
Thanks.
I don't care if he was a war criminal.
You had no right to let him go.
Well, he made the best cherry cheesecake in the free world.
Just tell me where he went.
Hans? Oh, it's you, Peg.
Yeah, you miss me? Yeah, who cares? I'm busy, all right? Listen, you French moron! We saved your cowardly wine-soaked behinds in the war! In all the wars! Every stinkin' war you ever been in! Now you tell me where you're hidin' Hans before I-- ! Hello? They really are rude to Americans! Thank you.
Thank you! Thank you! Kelly.
Kelly.
I did it.
I did it.
I found my cheesecake.
You were doubting me, but I was right.
There was something wrong with that cheesecake.
See, it was the right place, but the wrong chef.
The chef that made my cherry cheesecake left Chuck's Cheese Bowl.
Daddy, you're spitting on me.
You can't me you're not proud of your old dad.
'Cause I trailed Hans all over Europe till I finally found him in Germany.
See, he had gone there to die, but he promised to ship me one of his cheesecakes if I saved it as a testimonial to his greatness, and I agreed, but I'm really gonna eat it! Hey, guys.
Watch.
This dog can do tricks.
Sit.
Foot.
Speak.
Hey.
Hey, I can do all that stuff.
Ask me somethin'.
Go ahead, ask me.
Buck, somersault.
Say what? Gee, why don't you just ask me to drive a car? Hey, you want a paw? I can do that.
Look.
Here.
Here's my paw.
Look how stupid Buck is.
You know, kids, we, uh, really can't afford to keep two dogs.
Gee, I wonder which one gets to stay.
Aw, she's so pretty.
Aw, isn't she pretty? Hey, anybody want a paw? A paw? You know, a paw? Hey, where's my slipper? Where's my Game Boy? I don't know.
I can't find my CD or my best bra.
There it is.
Buck.
Huh? Huh? What? What, what? That's my slipper.
Bad boy.
Wait a minute.
I was dreaming about a roast.
Now, somebody set me up.
Who could have done this? Buck, would you like to come back in now? And what have we learned? Th-th-that when you're frozen solid, you really don't think about sex that much.
Okay, you can come back in.
Come on.
Come.
Are you hungry, boy? Yeah, it's a holdover from a couple days ago.
I'll get you some food.
Is it possible God's a cat? Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.
Well, I'm a Bundy, and I'm here.
I'm-- A little bit of French humor.
I'll take it.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm Hans the chef.
I wanted to deliver this myself so I might meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.
I'm sorry, but you missed him.
He would've loved to have meet you.
It's very cold out-- Ugh, one of Dad's socks get free? Ugh, I wish.
It's Dad's cheesecake.
I had to chase some sissy mary in short pants off our front lawn.
He was babblin' at me, callin' me "Hair.
" So I-- I turned the hose on him.
With the wind chill factor, he shouldn't make it to the corner.
What's that I smell? It's here.
I must open it and let it breathe.
Yikes! Yikes! This is what memories are made of.
I must fetch my cheese goggles.
Now, you two may admire it, but don't touch it.
This cheese means more to me than both of your lives.
Well, once again, Dad has gone where no cartoon character has dared to go.
Yeah, but he hasn't been this happy since Charmin started coming in an eight-pack.
Well, we better get out of here.
Once Dad cuts into that cheese, neither of us will be able to have children.
Aw, I didn't know you and your pillow were planning a family.
Hey.
Hey, look at that snowman in front of the Henderson house.
Looks like a guy in shorts givin' our house the bird.
Wonder how they did that.
A nice nap.
Gee, that bed was comfortable.
Hey, you still here? Heh, yeah, but not for long.
The big dumb Bundy went upstairs to get my leash.
And I think he's takin' me to the pound.
Aw, the pound isn't so bad.
Somebody'll take you home.
I hear there's a big demand for 9-year-old dogs who couldn't sit if they had no front legs.
No doubt about it.
It's you they love.
They even got that cheesecake over there on the table for you.
I was hoping you'd let me have a bite, sort of a last meal.
Hm, I'll tell you what.
You did me a favor by bringing me here, so I guess I can do you one.
You can watch me eat it.
What do you want, ya dumb-- ? Hi, Daddy.
So now what? Rub me, wash me, walk me, what? Daddy? Well, I've tried to track down Hans, but nobody seems to know where he is.
Jeez, I'm starving.
Nothin' in this house to eat, not even dog food.
If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.
Oh, tramp.
No more.
The boss will be mad.
Okay.
But this is the last piece.
We have nothing.
Go away! And they keep saying there's no recession.
Oh, no, it's you, huh? Gee, sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but sound doesn't really travel well as high up as you got tossed.
Yeah, I had it coming.
Well, I'm here to apologize.
I should have known you were smarter than me.
After all, you're a male dog.
Yeah.
You got that right.
You know, I could have done those tricks too.
I just think they'redemeaning.
I see that now.
I can't stand that I hurt you.
The only honorable thing to do is to end it all.
If you think of me at all, know that I loved you just a little.
Arrivederci, mon amour.
Ohhh, wait.
Come home with me.
I'll sneak ya in.
I'll find you some food too.
But this time, as soon as you eat, I get some heat.
You're the boss.
Damn right.
I'm the male dog.
* Woman makes you stupid * * Every man's a hound * * She say Her love's an ocean * * Then she pulls you in To drown * * Woman makes you stupid * * Always playin' With your head * * Next time You'll be smilin' * * Is the day You wake up dead * * Woman makes you stupid * * When she show A little tail * * I don't know why We need 'em * * Oh, yeah * * A coffin needs a nail * * Woman makes you stupid * * When she show A little tail * * I don't know why We need 'em * * Oh, yeah * * A coffin needs a nail *