Rules of Engagement s05e14 Episode Script

Is this a sex warning, or what are we doing here? Well, it wasn't, but now that it's on the table I should drink too? I'm just saying, I'm meeting up with brenda later.
Oh! Brenda, our surrogate? You mean the only brenda that both of us have ever known? Yeah, that one.
You know what would be fun? Yes, the opposite of whatever you're about to propose.
If I came out with you and brenda.
SoI was right.
Only instead of a bar, let's go to a nice restaurant.
Yeah, but we are, uh-- And tell brenda to bring her girlfriend.
Maybe she doesn't want to-- this is perfect.
A double date.
Great.
Wow.
That, uh, got away from me fast.
Look, uh, you know I love you, right? Sure.
Here's the thing.
Brenda's my softball buddy.
She and I, we hang out.
Exactly.
But she's gonna be carrying our child.
You guys have your softball and your sports and-- Our mutual fondness for a nice rack.
Uh, if you're waiting for me to add "of lamb," It's gonna be a long night.
You have a relationship with her.
I want one too.
Yeah, and I understand that.
I'm just saying, let's not force it.
How am I forcing it? By insisting on joining us and changing where we're going And making brenda bring her girlfriend.
That's all ya got? So you guys are double-dating with a couple lesbians? Three women, zero chance of getting any.
If I can't carry our child, At least I can bond with the woman who will.
Gross.
Look, if you want to bond with brenda, Why don't you go out to lunch with her Or offer to caddy for her? Oh, does she play golf? Most of them do.
Morning, sir.
At the risk of being a nagging nelly, You still haven't completed my work evaluation I gave you three weeks ago.
Whoa, whoa, nelly.
First things first.
These grapes aren't gonna peel themselves.
Come on, set 'em free.
All you need to do is complete a simple form So I can get the 3% raise I deserve Possibly more than any other person on this planet.
I'll have you know, you're witnessing rock bottom.
[barks like a seal.]
Mmm.
Squishy.
Better.
I'll get to your stupid evaluation.
But I've been quite busy hanging out with jessica.
Who's this jessica? Is it serious or is she just using you To get into "r" rated movies? She is a full grown adult, and she even has a son.
Oh.
You're dating someone with a child? Oh, yeah, I know what you're thinking, But don't worry.
C-section.
That's not what I was thinking.
Who else but you would think that? Hey, did you get those tickets for tonight? Yes, sir.
Two for the criss angel magic show, Front row center.
All right, great.
She's so into this mindfreak guy, But I'm gonna keep my eyes closed for most of the show So my mind does not get freaked.
But then hers will, and that's when I make me move.
There's no way that'll work.
Listen, never underestimate the power of suggestion.
Take your top off.
Is she doing it? Hey.
Hey.
Hey, who finally put that painting up? Oh, joe, the new super.
But I said I was gonna do it.
You did say that.
And then the seasons changed.
And then we had the olympics.
Okay, I get it.
Hey, how are you? Hey, I'm good.
What's going on? I just finished building the dividers in your drawers, jen.
Aw, thanks so much, joe.
But I made the dividers in your drawers.
Yeah, out of cut-up cereal boxes.
It's good enough for rachael ray, But whatever, right? Also, I got you a new showerhead.
I'll come back to install it tomorrow.
I just kind of ran out of time With everything you have to do around here.
Uhh! Tell me about it.
It really piles up.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, look, you don't have to go Calling the super every time you need something.
Well, who else should I call? Hello.
Hi.
Who else should I call? Me.
Look, honey, I don't want that guy Poking around in your drawers.
Honey, I love you, but, you know, Joe's the kind of guy who can do manly stuff.
I do manly stuff all the time.
Babe, the other day, you hit a squirrel with your bicycle And then you cried.
[sighs.]
It was just so unexpected.
Oh.
Hi.
Bren, look at you, all pretty.
[laughs.]
thanks.
Well, when you changed tonight from beer and nachos To this place, I had to, you know, Girl it up a bit.
And I had to stop for beer and nachos.
Nice.
So, uh, where's audrey? Well, considering it's 8:00 And we have We can eliminate here.
I'm sorry that audrey hijacked our hang, But she's just, you know, She's all warm and fuzzy about the surrogate thing.
I know, it's sweet, and I am super pumped too, But maybe we don't hit it too hard tonight, you know, Because I haven't exactly told becky About the whole surrogate thing yet.
Seriously? Why not? It hasn't come up.
Well, uh, how is it gonna come up? "how was your day? Any people in you?" Look, we're just a little bit new, you know, And I don't want to freak her out.
What? What do you mean, she's having your baby? Great.
First time audrey's ever shown up on time.
So this is my office.
This is my whole world here.
I own everything.
In fact, here's a ream of paper just for you, buddy.
Go nuts.
Sir, what are you still doing here? I thought you'd left for the evening.
Oh, timmy, you remember jessica.
Yes, indeed.
Lovely to see you again.
You too.
And this is her son, leland.
Oh, hello there, leland.
Nice to meet you.
Well, you two seem to have hit it off.
We'll see you in four hours.
Uh, excuse me? Oh, I sug-- I told jessica How you said that you'd watch little leland.
That is so nice of you, timmy.
Yes, of course.
Will you please excuse us for a moment? Babysitting? Like I have nothing better to do? Well, what's your big night tonight? You gonna go crank the old sitar music And charm the snake? Well, I definitely want to help you now.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Come on, buddy.
This is my big night with jessica.
Taking her to criss angel, But here's where the real magic's gonna go down.
Are you sure it's not going to happen in her wineglass When she's not looking? Sir, I do not have any experience with children.
I'm going to be completely lost.
Well, you told me that you were once an au pair.
No, I said I once had an au pair, To which you said I should grow "au pair.
" [laughs.]
All right.
I'll babysit for you, if you promise me that tomorrow You will complete my performance evaluation.
All right, what's on my schedule for tomorrow.
Nothing.
Okay, I'll make time, 'cause it's important.
So when were you gonna tell me about this baby? You guys, I had no idea she didn't know.
I'm so sorry.
It's not your fault.
Hold on.
Audrey, just apologized.
This is a special moment.
I know you're not great at communicating, But this just takes it to a whole new level.
Come on, becky, I was gonna tell you.
When? At baby's first birthday? Which you will totally be invited to.
We want you both to be super involved.
I don't even know you.
Okay.
Come on.
Becky, I don't think that you're seeing The positives in this.
What positives? Well, I'm no doctor-- Please don't finish that.
But when brenda gets pregnant, She's gonna get a lot bigger on top.
Okay, enough.
Look, I know that I should have said something.
It's just, I'm not good at this stuff, you know? No kidding.
Becky.
Becky.
Beck, wait.
It was a great idea, getting us all together.
This show is incredible.
I know.
How are you ever gonna thank me? Oh, there's a start.
[rock music.]
Yeah! Wow.
Thank you very much, folks.
I've got to underscore the warning For the young people that are watching And the drunk people.
Don't try this at home.
Don't worry.
There's other stuff we can try at home.
Now, for the next demonstration, I actually need a couple of volunteers To help me out.
Oh, we have a beautiful young lady right center, Right front row, right over there.
I assume the gentleman with the tie is your date.
Uh, actually I'm her date, sir.
I thought I was the magician.
I'm just teasing.
Give them a nice round of applause As they make their way to the stage.
Yes, come on.
Oh, honey, you did it.
Oh, yeah, see? You don't need joe when I'm around.
Is that the belt from my robe? What about it? Hmm.
Nothin'.
Hey, go ahead.
Turn it on.
All right.
Ah! Look at that.
[laughs.]
SoPerhaps you'd like to take it For a little test drive with me? Ooh, perhaps I would.
All right.
I'll go get some towels And then I'll meet you back in there.
Good, good.
[chuckles.]
[clank.]
[thud.]
[rock music.]
Now, russell.
Yeah.
I want you to see that everything's completely fair.
As a matter of fact, I want you to take it a step further.
Touch jessica's hand.
Gladly.
[laughs.]
Fair? Yeah, that's her.
All right.
Jessica, I want you to wave your hands for us.
I want you to pull them in.
Go! Aaaahhh! Whoa! Whoa! Where'd she go? I bet this isn't the first time He said that on a date.
Well, first of all, I get a ton, And secondly, seriously, where is she, dude? Give him a nice round of applause.
The little guy.
Back to your seat.
Come on.
Dude, dude, single mom, out for the night.
I got a sitter.
Help me out, man to magician here.
Give him a nice round of applause.
Yes.
Thank you very much.
You were great.
Oh, I get it, I get it.
Okay.
When you make her reappear, Don't worry about the undergarments.
Okay, buddy.
All right.
Give him a round of applause.
Hey! [knock on door.]
[clears her throat.]
Hey, audrey.
Oh, hey, brenda, how's it going? Good.
I just kind of felt like talking to jeff.
Oh, okay.
Did you get things worked out with becky? No.
That's done.
Game over.
Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, thanks.
It's kind of what I want to talk to jeff about.
Jeff? Uh, he's terrible at comforting people.
I was upset when our cat died.
All he could say was, "adios, fuzzy crap factory.
" I'm the one you want.
Come on.
I've got just what you need.
Choose your weapon.
I'm okay.
Hmm, you said it.
When you see me eating this, You are gonna want some.
It's really old.
Okay, you know what really helps? I've found it helps to talk it out.
Hey, uh, what happened with your lady? Hmm.
Pbbt! Beer? Yeah.
We'll be back in a while.
Thank you, new york city! You've been a great audience! Good night! [cheers and applause.]
The show's not over, people.
There's gotta be more Because my date is still not here.
Sorry, I got stuck on the phone with my mom.
I hope you didn't get too much of a head start.
Ad--adam! Adam! Are you okay? [groans.]
Joe, I need your help! Did adam try to fix something? Yes! God! [groans.]
Honey, are you all right? [groans.]
yeah.
Yeah, joe took care of me.
I totally get it now.
Look, the water's running pretty bad in there.
Can you go grab my tools? Sure.
Thanks.
Your jaw line is fantastic.
Well, thanks for taking me out tonight.
It was just what I needed.
Anytime.
Don't worry about becky.
Someone else will come along And make you forget all about her.
It's sort of hard to picture.
I can kind of see it now.
[jessica laughing.]
[knocks on door.]
Hey.
What's up, man? Hey, mr.
Angel, um, guy from crowd.
Uh, listen, uh, firstly, great show.
My mind was sufficiently freaked.
That was good.
And, uh, secondly, where's my date? Where is she or where isn't she? Hmm, the first one.
Oh, jessica.
Oh, there she is.
I see her.
Or do you not? Well, it's not really magic.
You just closed the door.
Or did I open your mind? Okay.
Oh, my god.
I can't have a conversation.
Listen, uh, can we just get jessica out here? I'm on my own schedule to make something disappear.
How do you expect to hang out with a beautiful girl With a thread hanging from your shirt? Ah, I didn't even see that.
Okay.
Well, it's a long one, All right, well, thank you for grabbing-- Oh, don't eat it.
Oh.
Oh, you're chewing a thread.
Oh, how does he do it, folks? Ah.
Oh! Oh, gross! Oh, disgusting! Okay, you know what? You can keep the thread and the girl.
You don't want the thread? Hey, guys, what's going on? Nothing.
Jets by four.
Okay.
Um, I'm gonna head out, so, uh, I'll be out of your hair in a second.
Hey, bren.
Yep? You want to do the old lady a solid? [groans.]
Jeff, I haven't been with a straight girl since college, And trust me, it doesn't end well.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
No.
Okay, what? All right, well, you know, Since you're gonna be having our kid all up in there, Audrey got all excited about you two bonding.
So give her something.
You know, pretend like you like to hang with her.
I do like hanging out with her.
There you go.
Jeff, I really do like hanging-- No, not me.
Go sell it to her.
Okay.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
You guys need some more food? No, no, we're good.
So, um, where are you off to? Oh, bloomingdales.
I love their shoe department.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
Uh, their men's shoe department.
Hey, isn't there that great new spanish place Right by there? Yes.
I took jeff there.
Oh, yeah? Did he like it? No, he, uh, misheard me When I told him it was a tapas bar.
Yeah, that's how they got me there the first time too.
So, um, what do you say we hit up bloomingdales And then maybe go grab some cocktails and some dinner? Really? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I want to drink as much as possible Before you and jeff knock me up.
Getting drunk always helped When jeff was trying to do it to me.
Oh, I bet.
Yo, audrey and I are going to bloomingdales.
Oh, yeah? That's great.
Yep.
And then I'm gonna take her to that tapas place nearby.
I gotta warn you, you're in for a big disappointment.
Hey.
Yeah? Nice work.
[laughs.]
Jeff, I really do like hanging out with audrey.
That's great.
Keep it up.
Good morning, sir.
Not for me.
That dumb magician stole my date.
Oh, yes.
When she called to check in, I did hear someone in the background yelling, "ta-da!" In any event, I do believe you owe me one evaluation.
Oh, right.
[groans.]
Oh, it's more than one page? Spotted the staple? Well done, sir.
I'm tired.
[shredder grinds.]
That one I should have seen coming.