Seinfeld s05e14 Episode Script

We never should have landed a man on the moon.
It's a mistake.
Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment.
Everybody goes, "I can't believe they can land a man on the moon and taste my coffee.
" We would've been happier if we hadn't landed a man on the moon.
We'd go, "They can't make a prescription bottle that'll open easily? I'm not surprised they couldn't land on the moon.
Things make perfect sense.
" Neil Armstrong should've said, "That's one small step for man one giant leap for every whining, complaining SOB on the Earth.
" Hey, do you believe I got "Happy New Year'd" today? It's February.
I once got "Happy New Year'd" in March.
-It's disgusting.
-It's pathetic.
-Hey, is it cold out? -Really cold.
-Scary cold? -What's your definition of scary cold? Hi.
That.
What is that? -What? -When did you get that? This week.
My father got a deal from a friend of his.
It's Gore-Tex.
You know about Gore-Tex? You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you? Look at you.
You can't even turn around in that thing.
Look at this.
Hey, George, can you feel this? Can you--? All right, all right! Knock it off.
Come on, let's go.
We should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something.
What for? These people invited us for dinner.
We have to bring something.
Why? Because it's rude otherwise.
You mean just going there because I'm invited -that's rude? -Yes.
You're telling me, instead of them being happy to see me they'll be upset because I didn't bring anything.
You see what I'm saying? The fabric of society is very complex, George.
I don't even drink wine.
I drink Pepsi.
You can't bring Pepsi.
Why not? Because we're adults.
What, you're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way wine is better than Pepsi.
George, I don't think we wanna walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.
I don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore.
You're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.
All right, let's go.
Who's driving? You are.
I can't get that thing in my car.
Where's the heat in this car? Come on.
Warm me up.
-It's cold.
Give us a little squeeze.
-Get off of me.
Get off of-- Get off of me.
You're comfortable up there, bubble boy.
Oh, yeah.
You wish you had this coat.
I was just thinking, the four of us can't show up -with just one bottle of wine.
-Oh, here we go.
-What? -Why don't we get them a couch.
We'll rent a U-Haul.
We'll bring them a nice sectional.
We should bring some cake.
Will you stop off at the bakery? Why don't you just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store.
Ring Dings? Ring Dings are better than anything at a bakery.
I like Ring Dings.
George, you can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.
Hey, your lights are on! It's a funeral procession.
I got news for you.
I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi I'm the hit of the party.
People would be coming up, "Between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi.
" What are we, Europeans, with the Beaujolais and the chardonnay? Oh, Kramer, that's the bakery.
Stop here.
Stop here.
-All right.
-Okay, let me out.
-You, whatever your name is.
-Jerry.
Yeah, Jerry.
Come with me.
We'll get the wine, pick you up here in 1 0 minutes? -Yeah.
-All right.
I love the smell of bakeries.
Look, Elaine, the black-and-white cookie.
I love the black-and-white.
Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony.
It's a wonderful thing, isn't it? You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.
-I'm looking forward to it.
-Yeah.
It'll be a very smooth transition.
Thank you.
All right.
What are we getting? Chocolate babka.
That's their specialty.
-Love that babka.
-Yeah, yeah.
But listen.
Elaine, when we get up to the door you hold the cake box.
-Why? -I don't know.
Just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string.
-You think it's effeminate? -It's a tad dainty.
Oh, we forgot to pick a number.
See, that's not fair.
We were here ahead of all these people.
You think I should go and ask her for hers? -No, forget it.
-No, no, no.
It's not fair.
Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first.
We were ahead of them and them and her.
Come on, let's just go ask them.
Come on.
Excuse me.
Well, I'm not finding a spot here.
What do you wanna do? -Just double-park.
-No.
-Why not? -I'll get a ticket.
What if somebody wants to get out of here? People get spaces this good, they never give them up.
That's a fallacy.
All right, I tell you what.
Go into the store, and I'll wait in the car.
Why don't you go into the store, and I'll wait in the car? Because I've got the coat.
-I can sit in the car and not get cold.
-I'll leave the car heater running.
-Does the heater work in this car? -No.
There's a spot right in front of the liquor store.
You see? You see? -But we were here ahead of you.
-How do I know that? Well, we saw you come in.
-Well, that's easy for you to say.
-Oh, yeah, right.
That's something I do.
I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.
Forty-six.
Wait.
Wait a second.
Are you Barbara Benedict? Yes.
Oh, my God.
I don't-- I know you.
I'm-- I'm Elaine Benes.
Do you remember? We met at Linda van Grak's baby shower.
I'm on my way over there right now.
Yeah, me too.
-You're Jerry, right? -David.
Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it? Yes, it is.
You know, we were here ahead of you.
-You're not getting my number.
-So you still don't believe us.
-Forty-seven.
-That's us.
Oh, okay, fine.
Fine.
Go ahead.
But listen.
As soon as I get there I'm gonna tell everyone what a jerk you are.
I'll be there ahead of you and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are.
I'll have the chocolate babka.
You're lucky, Mrs.
Benedict.
It's our last one.
All right, what are we getting? It's hot in here.
What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet? -What's that? -It's a Bordeaux.
Robust, bold, very dry as opposed to a Beaujolais, which is richer and fruitier.
-All right, here's one.
Twelve dollars.
-Twelve dollars? We should've gone to the bakery.
They're not getting no 1 2-dollar cake.
I'll pay you back later.
I don't have my wallet.
-Why not? -I don't like to carry my wallet.
My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine.
Throws my hips off-kilter.
Throws your hips off-kilter.
-So where's your money? -I never take it.
-So, what do you do? -Oh, I get by.
See you later.
-See you later.
-See you later.
That's the last babka.
They got the last babka.
I know.
They're going in first with the last babka.
-That was our babka.
-You can't beat babka.
We had that babka.
They're gonna be heroes.
So, what now? If we can't get the babka, the whole thing's useless.
-Well, how about a carrot cake? -Carrot cake? Why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake, I'm sorry.
-Black Forest? -Black Forest? Too scary.
You're in the forest.
-Hey, how about a napoleon? -Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless warmonger.
Might as well get a Mengele.
That was our babka.
We had that babka.
-What's this one? -That? Cinnamon babka.
Another babka? There's chocolate, and there's cinnamon.
Well, we gotta get the cinnamon.
Yeah, but they got the chocolate.
We'll be going in with lesser babka.
I beg your pardon.
Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka.
People love it.
It should be on tables in restaurants with salt and pepper.
Someone says, "This is so good.
What's in this?" The answer comes back, "Cinnamon, cinnamon," again and again.
Lesser babka? I think not.
Forty-nine.
I'll have a cinnamon babka.
And a black-and-white cookie for me.
Peace.
That'll be 1 3.
05.
All right, here you go.
A hundred.
I can't change that.
-You can't? All right, let's go.
-Wait a second.
I can get change.
Hey, anybody got change for a hundred? Are you crazy? What are you doing? -You're gonna get us killed.
-What? Don't go shouting we got a $ 1 00 bill.
People will be all over us.
Let's buy something and we'll get change.
I am not buying something just to get change.
George, there's a newsstand right over there.
Now, come on.
-What are we doing? -Just get some gum or something.
Pack of gum.
Here you go.
What, it's a hundred? I can't change a hundred.
-Why not? -You gotta buy more than that.
Here.
Get a newspaper.
-Newspaper.
-Not enough.
Clark Bar.
-Clark Bar.
-Keep going.
-I'm up to $2 here.
-Here.
-George, get a Penthouse Forum.
-I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.
No, that'll make great dinner-party conversation.
We'll read the letters at the dinner table.
-Oh, that's nice.
-You ever read one of these? It's not real.
They're all made up.
Oh, it's real.
You know, then there's an unusual number of people having sex with amputees.
Penthouse Forum.
Newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.
Six seventy-five.
Oh, great.
All right, with the wine, I'm in over $20 now.
-Big coat.
Big coat! -Yes.
I'm sorry.
It's a new coat.
It's Gore-Tex.
We better be careful with that thing.
You'll start a war.
See, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie is you wanna get some black and some white in each bite.
Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate.
And yet still somehow, racial harmony eludes us.
If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved.
Well, your views on race relations are just fascinating.
You really should do an op-ed piece for The Times.
Look to the cookie, Elaine.
Look to the cookie.
What is this? What? It's a hair.
Take it back.
Get another one.
-No, we're late.
I'll take it off.
-Get another one.
It'll take a second.
All right, all right.
-Excuse me.
-Hey, hey.
-I'm on line here.
-No, no, we just bought this.
You sold us a cake with a hair on it.
You have to take a number.
We waited 1 5 minutes for this.
You sell me a cake with a hair on it and then you want me to wait? What are you doing? You're gonna wait now? I'm not gonna eat a cake with a hair on it.
It was a little hair.
I took it off.
A little hair? Do you think that makes it better? -What if it's your hair? -What if it's your hair? What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me.
You can serve dinner on my head.
You use that misty herbal rainwater crap they sell in the health food store.
I use Prell, the hard stuff.
Hundred proof, takes your roots out.
Okay, fine.
We'll just wait till she calls the number.
Maybe we should forget about the cake.
No.
I'm bringing cake.
All right, we got the wine.
Aren't we lucky? We got wine.
Imagine if we didn't bring the wine.
We'd be shunned by society.
Outcasts.
"Where's your wine? Get out!" "I know this is gonna sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true.
A few weeks ago, my girlfriend mentioned to me how attractive she thought our new neighbor, Linda, was.
" Look-- Look at this.
Somebody double-parked and blocked us in.
Does anybody know whose car that is? Maybe there's a note on it.
Oh, brother.
No.
No note.
-Can you believe this? -"Of course, I noticed her too with those ample breasts and pouty lips.
I don't have to tell you she was a knockout.
" I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes.
-Can you comprehend it? -No, I can't comprehend it.
We can put a man on the moon, but we're still basically very stupid.
The guy whose car this is could be the guy that built the rocket.
-You see what I'm saying? -He could build the rocket.
He's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in.
So you understand my point about building rockets and double-parking? On one hand, he's smart with rockets.
On the other, he's dumb with parking.
It's cold out here, huh? Maybe it's not stupidity.
Maybe it's just a blatant disregard for basic human decency.
This is how dictators start.
Think Mussolini would circle the block six times for a spot? How about Idi Amin, huh? If I was running for office, I'd ask for the death penalty for double-parkers.
If this is allowed to go on, this is not a society.
This is anarchy! -Are those shoes comfortable? -No, not really.
-They look comfortable.
-That's why I got them, but they're not.
Why couldn't we take the hair off and go? -No.
That's out of the question.
-Why? Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.
-What happened? -I'd rather not talk about it.
-You can't tell me? -All right.
I once found a hair in my farina, and I freaked out.
You found a hair in your farina? Yeah.
-What happened? -I screamed: "There's a hair in my farina.
There's a hair in my farina.
" I ran out of the house.
I was running and running.
I was little, but I could run really fast.
And l-- I just kept running and they found me three hours later collapsed at a construction site.
-Whose hair was it? -My mother's.
-Fifty-eight.
-That's us.
Oh, good.
You sold us a hair with a cake around it.
We'd like another one.
Oh, that's lovely.
That's what you wanna see, yeah.
Yeah, you wanna trade your hair for some phlegm.
You win the pennant with that trade.
Hair for phlegm.
Here you are.
Okay.
All right, we got the cake now.
Where is George and Kramer? Hey, double-parker! Show yourself! Come on out, I'm freezing.
We are really late now.
-We're in big trouble.
Big trouble.
-Why? You know, Elaine.
What about her? I'm a little scared of her.
-You're scared of Elaine? -Yes.
Why? Did you ever see her lose her temper? I was once late because I bought a Panama hat.
She pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top.
Let's go inside the liquor store.
I'm freezing.
-Why don't you wear a heavier coat? -I wanted to look good for the party.
Hey, hey, hey.
That's great.
That's very nice.
We been waiting 20 minutes for you people.
-You think you're Mussolini? -Back off, puffball, it's not my car! I wasn't talking to you.
I'm going in.
Wait till I get my hands on that George.
I am gonna pull that big hood over his little head tie the strings and suffocate him.
You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing.
What? -What's the matter with you? -I don't know.
I don't feel so good.
What's wrong? My stomach.
I think it was that cookie.
-The black-and-white? -Yeah.
Not getting along? I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.
If we can't look to the cookie, where can we look? My stomach.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
-Wait.
What about your vomit streak? -I know.
I haven't thrown up since June 29, 1 980.
-Sorry.
-Sorry? You almost took my toe off.
Why don't you watch what you're doing, you lunatic.
Jerry, I think he broke my toe.
Where--? Where you going? Fourteen years down the drain.
You think chickens have individual personalities? I don't know.
Could you tell five chickens apart just by the way they acted? Or would they all be walking around: If they have individual personalities, I'm not sure we should be eating them.
What's the matter with you? Can I help you guys with anything? No, no.
We bought the wine here before.
We're blocked in by some car double-parked.
Just waiting for the guy to pull out.
Well, wait outside.
This isn't a hang out.
-But my friend here has hypothermia.
-Hypothermia.
All right, guys.
Take it outside.
You're paying for these.
-How was it? -Good as it gets.
You know, that coat was Gore-Tex.
It's worth a hell of a lot more than that cheap chardonnay.
You know I'm freezing? I'm definitely freezing.
I can't stop shaking.
I'm cold too.
At least you got a coat.
Let's get in the car.
Oh, my God.
That's Saddam Hussein, the dictator.
I told you.
I told you.
I wouldn't walk around without a coat.
You'll catch your death of cold.
So long.
Can I get you anything else? -Oh, no, thanks.
-How about a nice box of scram? Somebody double-parked.
We couldn't help it.
Might've been Saddam Hussein.
We're not sure.
He had a British accent, though.
What--? What happened to you? Somebody put a cane on my foot just like the one I'm gonna put up your-- Hey, what happened to your coat? And what is that smell? What, are you drunk? -I had to give it to the liquor store guy.
-What for? I spilled some chardonnay.
So, what did you get? -Cinnamon babka.
-Cinnamon? -Why didn't you get chocolate? -George.
What? What? What? Here.
Here's your cake.
And your wine.
-See you.
-See you.
I heard a weatherman say that 75 percent of your body heat is actually lost through the top of the head.
Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.
But no hat makes a statement quite like the hat with the flaps.
The hat with the flaps makes a statement that no other hat makes.
This hat says to the world: "I would rather have the heat in my skull than anything society could possibly offer me.
" In fact, if you're on trial for a serious crime and your lawyer recommends the insanity defense this is the hat to wear.
Your lawyer should really insist.
He should just go: "Your Honor, the defense rests.
"