The Middle s05e14 Episode Script

Out here in the Middle, winters are chilly, and you got to bundle up.
But usually, it's when you leave your house.
All right, I'm home.
The AC won't turn off no matter what the damn switch says.
"Heat" is cold.
"Off" is cold.
Smacking the thing with a hammer-- even more cold.
- Maybe you should call Darrin.
- I did.
He'll be here sometime Friday between 8:00 and 5:00.
Oh, the long window.
I bet that's the first thing they teach him.
How are you doing, Sue? There was a cousin clothes box out front, and Brick hid it in the laundry room! I'm sorry, Brick.
I held out as long as I could.
She asked me a direct question.
Oh, come on.
I hate the cousins box.
All the hand-me-downs smell like cat pee and beer.
Have you even bothered to look in this? Well, I don't know what you're complaining about.
There's a ton of good stuff in here.
The upside of our house being as cold as an Arctic research station-- the kids were never more excited to get to school.
the ion exchange columns being used to separate - the radioactive trans-uranium elements - Excuse me.
Buddy, you're in my seat.
Shh.
Hey, you're sitting on me.
Whoa! What are you doing?! This is my seat.
I was sitting here and you came in and you sat on me.
I don't think so.
Maybe they do that in your home country of the Ukraine, but here in America, we don't steal people's seats.
Brian, I think the new girl likes you.
I am Sue Heck, and I am not new.
Wow.
Your English is so good! Isn't her English so good, Deb? So good, Court.
I got sat on, Brad.
Sat on.
A person sat on me.
Was it the jock with the rock-hard abs or the mixed-race guy with the perfect skin? I don't know.
I guess the abs, maybe.
But the saddest part of all was that nobody even knew my name.
Aw, everybody in high school feels like that at some point.
Yeah, but that's just it.
People in this school don't know each other.
I need to get back to my original goal-- making sure everybody knows everybody, because we all know the friends you make in high school are the friends you have for life.
Dude.
Dude.
Come on.
Wake up.
We're gonna miss breakfast or dinner.
Where's my phone? Uh, it Oh, I have a message.
Axl, you're so hot.
I want to all night long.
Oh, hey! You got my favorite oinge shirt all wet! Whoa! Hey, who was that? Number's blocked.
Who did I talk to last night? W-where did we go? Uh, we started at a frat party, then the dorm party, then some kind of guitar circle with a bearded dude.
Hey, I know who it could be.
You were dancing with fourth floor hottie last night.
Really? Nice job, me.
It was going pretty well until you caught your reflection in the mirror, and then you started dancing with yourself.
- Weird.
- You were doing, like, a two-step.
Ohh! Got the hips.
You're like Do you have any idea what you're doing? Worst-case scenario, I start a fire.
Hey, did you see this? Orson has the Patch online now.
Great.
Now it's even easier to read stuff I don't care about.
Well, I think it's good that they have something like this for local news.
Oh! Remember that dog that kept digging up the flowers at the courthouse? Turns out it was a gopher.
They got it on hidden camera.
So, how exactly are we related to this cousin? Your dad's side.
Spin again.
Oh! Look at this.
They're honoring two guys at your quarry.
Uh, Mike, one of them is you.
"Michael Heck and Robert Branderson are being honored for their 20 years of dedicated service to Orson Limestone.
" Wait, what? There's a dinner?! Did you know there was a dinner? Of course you knew there was a dinner.
Were you ever gonna tell me this? No, I was not.
Mike.
You have to go.
- This is a big deal.
- It's not a big deal.
The whole thing is stupid.
I just stayed in one place for 20 years.
It's like giving an award to a tree.
Am I crazy or am I rocking this suit? I don't think I've ever seen myself look so sharp.
Let's see who makes fun of me at school now.
I'm gonna go with everybody.
Mr.
Farrar, the reason I called this meeting is because I need to discuss JP-La, and-- So you're the undercover drug agent.
What? No, I'm not a narc.
I'm JP-La-- Junior Peer Leadership adviser.
Did you know that the students here still don't even know each other? This is why I'm proposing-- here it comes-- Hands Across Orson High.
The entire student body will stand holding hands in an unbroken chain of connectivity that stretches all the way from the football field to the place where that drunk kid drove into the pole.
It'll be huge.
It wasn't.
Just wait.
They'll come.
It's still early yet.
They'll come.
So Axl finally had a subject he was interested in-- finding a mystery girl he couldn't remember meeting at a party he couldn't remember going to-- a search that led him to the door of the fourth floor hottie.
Ooh, hey.
Hi.
Um, I don't know if you remember me-- Axl.
Apparently, we, uh, danced last night.
I may have given you my number.
You may have, uh, used that number.
Oh, my God! It's second floor mirror dude! - Not her.
- Oh! I remember you! Susanna, Kelly, the second floor mirror dude is here! Okay, I was wearing my skinny jeans, so I did not know it was me! Brick, are you warm enough? Oh, definitely.
An unexpected bonus of looking like a million bucks-- I've discovered that petroleum-based fabrics really hold in the heat.
Well, Hands Across Orson High was a ginormous success if that success is measured by the inspiration it gave me to work harder.
- Speaking of working hard - Frankie.
the quarry is giving your dad an award for his 20 years of hard work.
- That's amazing! - Nice job, dad! Is it a certificate, a trophy, a plaque? Is it framed, unframed? Is there a gold seal? I don't know.
It's not important.
Not important? It was on the Patch.
The Orson Patch? The whole world can see that! Uh, what's the award for? Did you lift a boulder off somebody? No, for 20 years, I showed up.
And there's an awards dinner and everything, but your father is refusing to go.
What?! Is there a red carpet? Is it called "The Quarries"? Oh, my God! I want to go to The Quarries! See, Mike? Your family just wants to bask in your glory.
Why won't you let us bask? I never get to bask.
Because everybody's got to get an award or a pat on the back for the smallest thing.
I don't need an award for doing my job.
Now, that's the end of it.
It's like our I wanted to renew our vows.
Reverend Hayver came over, and you wouldn't stop mowing the lawn.
Come on, dad.
I finally have a reason to go out-- I've got a real suit.
It doesn't wrinkle.
It has secret inside pockets.
The color's majestic.
It broadens my shoulders, slims my waist, and gives me the muscles of an eighth grader.
But it's more than just superficial high-end apparel.
It feels like armor that protects me against whatever life throws my way.
Today, it was sloppy joe flicked from a spoon.
This suit makes me feel like a winner, and I want to show it off at your awards ceremony.
- Not moving you, huh? - No.
I just find it sad that Mike is refusing to go to his own awards dinner.
So I thought maybe you guys could help me out.
Like, what is work Mike like? Well, every day, he comes in and says, "Morning.
" And at lunch, he eats a turkey sandwich and says, "Back to work.
" End of the day, it's always, "See you tomorrow.
" Huh.
Just like home Mike, but without the TV.
I was actually hoping that maybe you guys could sway him in a way that I can't.
Listen, wife of Mike, you got way more sway than us.
Tonight, when you go home, you got to light a candle, shake off the sheets, and get your man all syncopated with the rhythms of your lady jazz.
Well, I'm not saying that my lady jazz isn't in play.
It's definitely in play.
And once you meet your deductible, your dental treatments are 100% covered.
Hey, Mike! Can you believe I came all the way over here and forgot the free toothbrushes? Back to work.
Back to work.
Axl, you're so hot.
I want to I wish we could hear it better.
- We need some killer speakers.
- Yeah.
Ooh.
Ha! Shouldn't we ask him first? Oh, nah, he's in the zone.
Level 9.
Doesn't even know we're here.
Watch.
See? All right, well, here.
Axl, you're so hot.
I want to all night long.
Ohh! Hey! You got my favorite oinge shirt all wet! Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on.
Ohh! Hey! You got my favorite oinge shirt all wet! You hear that? "Oinge"! Who pronounces orange "oinge"? That's it.
All we got to do is find the girl who says "oinge.
" We talked to like 200 women that night.
We're never gonna find her.
Hey, there's a girl out there who wants to all night long.
I thought college was gonna be non-stop but six months and not even a so if she's out there, damn it, we're gonna find her.
Hmm? Ow! Oh, God, he finished the game.
Go, go, go, go! Okay, so, Hands Across Orson High was not a complete success, but I've gone back to my original concept, which got me in to JP-La-- Mix-It-Up Mondays.
What if the popular kids were forced to each lunch with the less-popular kids.
Sprinkle in some D tablers with some A tablers, and we all end up C-pluses.
Um, is this table 6? Ooh, mm-hmm.
You guys, this is Brian-- the guy who inspired this whole shebang.
I am Sue Heck.
The girl you sat on.
The Ukrainian seat stealer.
Oh, hey.
Well, this is great, isn't it? Isn't this fun? Miss you! Miss you! Look, it's totally natural for things to be a little awkward at first.
So that's why I brought the conversation hat to help out.
Ooh, good one.
"Who's your best friend? Your mom or your dad?" So while Sue was busy trying to drum up a conversation, Axl would have been happy with just one word.
Excuse me.
How would you pronounce this word? I have mace.
If you were really, really jealous, you'd be what with envy? Green? What? It's not orange? In my country, we call this "Ugaga.
" What you call here? You do not know? No? Okay.
Hey, handsome.
I'm not going.
Seriously.
- What happened to you in your childhood? - Nothing.
Nothing happened to me.
You know me.
Does this really seem like something I'd be into? It's once in a lifetime.
Not in my lifetime, Frankie.
It's not my thing.
None of it is my thing.
I don't like attention.
I don't like giving speeches.
Oh, okay.
So that's what this is about-- the speech.
I should have known.
No problem.
I can help you.
You-- you just have to say a few words.
That's all.
You know, it's mostly just, like, kind of thank people.
I mean, you want to be humble, but cool, also a little entertaining.
Um, okay, so, what rhymes with "limestone"? Uh, winebone, chimecone-- time zone! Yeah, no.
Ohh, I don't know what to do with that.
Okay, you know what? Let's just-- let's just spitball here.
Let's just move some energy around.
All right, I say a word, you say a word.
- I say "hard hat," you say - Good night.
You know, you are a really difficult person.
Let's just say you had to say something.
Gun to your head, you had to say something-- what would it be? Uh, I guess I would say "For 20 years, this job's put a roof over my family's head.
I've had a great group of guys working for me-- hard-working guys who show up on time, rarely take sick days.
We've seen each other's kids grow up.
I've been lucky, not only for the work, but my crew has made this a good place to go every day.
" Well, where have you been hiding that? That's beautiful.
Can't you just go and say that? It's one dinner, Mike.
One dinner that maybe doesn't mean a lot to you, but might mean a lot to everyone else.
Oh, yay! You're gonna be so good! You know, if I wasn't wearing five pairs of pajamas, I would totally break out the lady jazz.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
I really had such high hopes for Mix-It-Up Mondays.
Eh, I guess there's always gonna be an us and a them.
I guess that's just the way it is.
Brad, you want to come to the new brownie place with us? Deb says we have to hang 'cause you are hilarious! Wow! Make new friends, but keep the old.
See you tomorrow.
Oh! I got to go, too.
I sat by the space mates yesterday, and they're not as nerdy as we thought.
We're gonna go jump on the gym mats and act like we're in zero gravity.
Beep-beep! Molly, say hi to Ukraine.
And just when Sue thought things couldn't get any worse they did.
I think I got sick from working so hard on JP-La and waking up with frozen hair didn't help.
I just feel bad.
I really want to see dad win his award.
Maybe we shouldn't leave Sue here.
Maybe we should just all stay home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is my big night, too.
I've looked like Ernie and/or Bert for the last 10 years.
I finally look snazzy, and I am showing it off.
You're going, and you're staying.
Just drink lots of liquids.
Text me if you need anything.
Don't run the toaster if you're falling asleep.
And if you're hungry, there's popsicles on the counter.
Good luck, dad.
I hope you win.
It's not a contest.
I already won.
Well, sometimes you think you won, and then at the last minute, you didn't.
Wait for them to call your name twice.
Twice.
Got it.
I know the real reason you're giving me this-- 'cause I'm the guy who gives you your paycheck every week.
Am I right, Larry? Especially you.
You know what I'm talking about.
Wow, who knew the accountant was such a cut-up? Seriously, it's been a joy to come to work.
Nice suit, little dude.
Off the rack? - Out of the box.
- What's the label? I don't know.
Shah-nee-a Twan.
Shania Twain? "The, 'man, I feel like a woman' collection.
" Oh, no, this isn't Cousin Ryan's.
It's Cousin Allison's.
I've been wearing women's clothes for the last three days.
It's cool, baby Mike.
Man, woman we're all just energy.
Okay, okay, I'm taking too much of your time now.
You got to save some of that love for our other honoree-- Mike Heck.
Uh, yeah, oh, okay.
I still don't get why I'm up here.
Uh, maybe I-I-I just don't get it.
But, you know, I had to lay off four guys a couple months ago, and these were all guys with families, you know? So it doesn't feel right to be honoring me when I couldn't find a way to save their jobs.
And, you know, I mean, am I-- am I gonna have to lay off 10 more? I don't know.
Look around the room.
It's like, "Hey, is he next? What about her?" But, hey, in this economy, we're all just hanging on by a thread, right? I mean, look, everyone loves Bob Branderson here, but they could, you know, hire some outside accounting service, and then, uh, he'd be out of a job.
Hell, the whole quarry could close.
It's a threat that we live with every day.
So maybe longevity is something that should be recognized? I don't know.
Just saying, uh, it seems weird to me.
But, uh, it is what it is.
So yeah.
I'll-- I'll-- I'll put this somewhere.
Who is it? Oh, hi, Darrin.
Come in.
Sorry it's taken me so long to get over here.
I had a midterm.
But the good news is I got a B-plus, so I should be able to fix your air conditioner now.
Okay.
You know where it's at.
What am I gonna do, Kenny? Thoughts? Ideas? If you feel for me, just keep staring at your computer.
Great.
Thanks for the support.
Yep? Hey, Axl, it's Cassidy.
Cassidy.
Hi.
Is it a bad time? Uh, not at all.
No.
- Okay.
Say it.
- Oinge? Uh, hang on, Cassidy.
Are you sure this isn't a bad time? You obviously have company.
- Say it again.
- Oinge.
I hear someone saying "oinge.
" Wait.
Are you saying "oinge" 'cause you heard someone say "oinge," or are you saying it that way 'cause that's how you say "orange.
" - What? - What juice comes from Florida? - Oinge? - Oh, my God! Listen, I just called to say that it's possible I may have left you an embarrassing message the other night.
Yeah, uh, I might have heard that.
Ugh! So you knew it was me? Of course I knew it was you.
Uh so how you been? Okay.
Told you I was no good in the spotlight.
Was it as bad as I thought it was? Probably a little worse.
What happened to all that stuff you talked about the other day? Watching their kids grow up, how your crew made it a great place to work every day? Pretty sure I got some of that in there.
No, you didn't.
Hmm.
Okay.
Do you know how embarrassing it is to show up at an awards ceremony wearing the same outfit as another woman? Drive.
Well, I think I got the AC off, but I might have accidentally got the heater stuck on.
Oh, thanks.
Well, you better get going.
I'm sure Angel's got something special planned to celebrate your B-plus.
Oh, actually, Angel and I broke up a couple weeks ago.
Oh? Really? Yeah.
Relationships are hard.
I know.
I know.
How are things with your boyfriend? What boyfriend? You know, the Glossner guy.
Oh, oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I do not like him at all.
I mean, yeah, I think he liked me a lot, but, uh, no, not even close.
Really? Really.
Hey, you feel it? It's getting warm in here.
Yes.
It is heating up considerably.
Funny thing is when you have a history with someone, it's easy to connect.
The words just seem to flow.
I still can't hear it.
Oinge? Am I saying it weird? Yes, it's absolutely weird.
It's not in any way how you say that word.
And sometimes if you have a long history with someone, you don't need many words at all.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Have a good night.
Cool party.
Yeah, listen, um I thought I said certain things that, uh, I might not have said.
So I want to say, um you know, see you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow, Mike.