Bob's Burgers s05e15 Episode Script

TEDDY: Friday! So, any big weekend plans? Date night tonight Gonna go out, get some food Have a few drinks Forget we have kids for a little bit La, yeah.
What's the plan? I couldn't tell you if I wanted to.
Only Bobby knows.
He planned the whole thing.
Yup.
There will be dinner, drinks and entertainment.
Ooh! The big three! Ha-cha-cha-cha! (door opens) And we're home.
Whoa, what's that? The class pet.
I'm taking care of it this weekend.
You're fine with it.
I'm not.
The permission slip I signed for you says you're fine with it.
You're into it.
(sneezes) Ugh, what's wrong with it? Weird fur, seizures, runny nose, runny eyes, runny everything.
Everybody's got their something.
There wasn't anyone else who wanted to take it? Just Wayne.
Who's Wayne? Kid in my class.
We had a tiny disagreement about who should take the chinchilla home this weekend.
No! No! No! No! No! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Well, congratulations, I guess.
Just, um, keep it out of our room.
Yeah, yeah, okay, Dad.
Aw, was your little friend Wayne upset? Ah, no.
He was easy breezy.
Ah! Remember, bedtime is 7:00, not too much TV, no sugary snacks, and pet with the grain.
Pet with the grain! Okay, don't forget.
Your father and I are going out tonight, so you're gonna babysit, Tina, right? About that.
Um I was talking to some other girls, and did you know some people get paid to babysit? Oh, boy, she's onto us.
Okay, let's start the negotiation.
A thousand dollars and a parking space.
How about three dollars an hour? Okay, deal.
Three dollars every hour? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We get a cut of this, right, Tina? Okay.
But you all got to be in bed by the time we get home, or nobody sees a dime.
No problem we can go to bed in our sleep.
(singsongy): Ooh, Bobby! I'm excited to see where you're taking me.
Lin, you don't have to cover your eyes.
I never asked you to do that.
I just want a big surprise.
And surprises are better when you're blind.
Well, take a look.
We're here! Huh? "Stoolz.
" It gets better.
Bing-a-ding, bing-a-ding- ding-ding-ding, brainiacs! This is your trivia master Dave letting you know that we are less than one minute away from trivia night! Trivia night? Ugh.
When does it get better, Bob? Well, that was supposed to be the part where it got better.
Y-You love trivia.
I do? We played bar trivia that one time years ago.
Remember? Yeah? We had fun.
We did? I thought we did.
We had a funny team name.
We were Albert Beerstein.
That's funny? Yes, it's funny! It works on many levels, Lin! But, look, we can go somewhere else if you want to.
No, let's just get through date night.
Right.
Okay.
Mm-hmm, great.
Fine.
Yup, get a drink.
Yeah.
Okay, trivia-meisters.
Round one, question one.
When I was 14, I had a crush especial on Puerto Rican actress Rosie Perez.
Oh, we got this.
It's gonna be White Men Can't Jump.
In what year did the United States annex Puerto Rico? Oh.
Um, it's, um um You know what? The first question's always the hardest.
All right, now that we got the easy one out of the way Oh, crap.
I mean, this will be fun.
Yeah, it's fun, it's fun.
It's like homework, but-but fun homework.
How many rounds are there? Not-not many, but many.
TINA: I just want you guys to know that even though I'm your paid babysitter tonight, I'm still your sister.
But I'm getting paid.
No feet on the couch.
But I'm still your sister.
For now.
Until I get married off.
All right, so, when you're with me, you're not called Princess Little Piddles.
You are Shinobu.
You like it? I know, it's great.
This is Kuchi Kopi.
You're both little troublemakers.
You're both huge in Japan.
You probably have a lot to talk about go! Keep things light.
Don't bring up your divorce.
Or Nixon.
Or Radiohead.
(phone ringing) Belcher residence.
Both my parents are home tonight and they're black belts.
Uh, it's for you, Louise.
Really? Hello? Hey, Louise.
Wayne here.
Uh, so how's Princess Little Piddles? Fine.
Great talk.
Bye-bye.
Wait! Put Princess on the phone.
What? Put Princess Little Piddles on the phone! Why? Princess Little Piddles! Can you hear my voice?! Are you okay?! (groans) Bye.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it since I'm in charge.
While I'm gone, Gene's in charge.
Louise, if Gene can't handle his duties, it's all you, sister.
I can handle my doodies, thank you! (panting) I couldn't stop him! He barreled right past me like a really fast barrel! Oh, my God, Wayne, you were calling from outside my house? (shrieks, gasps) Out of cage! Out of cage! Okay, you're acting nuts, Wayne.
Oh, you mean nuts for responsibility?! Like nut, crazy, bad, rotten nut! Responsible handsome head nuts maybe?! No, no way! Just nuts! No, handsome nuts! I know nuts! No, like cashews! Um, excuse me! I hate to interrupt a productive dialog, but where'd the chinchilla go? (shrieks) Uh, he's around here somewhere.
(screams) Stop screaming and help me look, Wayne! Why is the front door open? Maybe God closed a window? EDITH: Chinchilla! Disgusting! Oh, no, no, no, no! Hey, mama! There he is! (squeaking) Oh.
Hey, little, guy.
It's Jonas.
GENE: Oh, good, he's bringing him back.
Jonas! Hey! You found our chinchilla! Thank you! What? I can't hear you! Bye! No! No! No! No! Wait! Wait! Wait! No! Oh, my God! What just happened?! It ran away and joined the worst biker gang in the world.
Oh, Princess Little Piddles has been abducted! This is all your fault, Louise! What?! This is your fault, Wayne! You barged in to my house and left the door open! I was barging! Bargers are not responsible for closing the door! It's not a disaster.
Jonas is the delivery boy at Reggie's Deli.
We'll just go to Reggie's.
We shouldn't be out! We should be back home! I'm not certified for outdoor child care! Tina, we're under your care, but this chinchilla is under my care, which technically falls under your jurisdiction.
Right? I guess that's true.
Or it might not make any sense at all Well, we'll be back home in 20 minutes.
All right, let's go to Reggie's.
Aw, crap! Reggie's is closed.
Oh, now what?! We smash Reggie's window and make some sandwiches and go from there.
No, we go to where Reggie lives, and we ask him where Jonas lives.
You want to know where Jonas lives? Well, take a number.
Just kidding.
Deli humor.
Quit pussyfooting around! The address, Reggie! Uh, Jonas is at his friend Clay's house doing homework.
Clay is at Jonas's house doing homework.
What the? Isn't he? How can they both be at each other's houses? Maybe they broke the space-time continuum.
Must've been some homework.
Unless it's an excuse teenagers tell their parents when they don't want them to know where they're going.
But where would that be? A secret teen event of secrecy? You mean a party? Yes! Tina, thank you! Is that Teddy? I Wish my radio worked.
Oh, no! If Teddy sees us out of the house, he'll tell Mom and Dad.
Everyone hide! (gasps) Huh? Oh, geez.
Thought I saw Harvey.
Ah, that was close.
Listen.
Why don't we go home, make a decoy chinchilla out of pipe cleaners and socks to buy ourselves some time? No, Tina, we're looking for a party.
What do you know about high school parties? Nothing, but I might know someone who might know something.
(doorbell rings) (groans) What do you maxi-sads want? DAVE: Okay, after round one, in first place are the DILFs.
In second place, Old Kevin.
And in last place, with no correct answers, are the Date Nights of the Round Table.
(whoops) Hey! First couple ever here on a date! I guess the romance doesn't revolve around knowing things, because they don't.
(laughs) Hey, hey! Easy, Mr.
Questions! Just kidding, just kidding.
(whispering): I'm not kidding.
They can't hear me.
They don't know anything.
Oh, my God, we're losing.
And now we're getting heckled.
I guess we can just go home.
All right, let's get out of here.
Let me just go to the bathroom.
Round two, question one.
Hiking is stupid.
How many miles long is the Appalachian Trail? I was hoping there'd be more questions about '80s TV shows.
(quietly): Bob, I did something bad.
In the bathroom? No! Look! I stole an answer sheet from Dave's folder! We got all the answers! What?! Lin, are you crazy? We can't cheat.
Oh, yeah, we don't want to cheat against Dave.
He's such a good guy.
Uh Write down the answer, Bob.
Write it down! Okay, okay.
Not like that, like you just thought of it.
You look at the ceiling, you say, "Hmm," and then you look down.
Hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
That's it, that's it.
I might be able to find out which high school party this Jonas kid is at, but why would I want to help a bunch of babies get their cat back? It's not a cat, it's a chinchilla! Anything that's not a dog is a cat to me.
We'll owe you.
You name it.
Anything, anytime.
What if I want Tina to kiss a dirty flip-flop at 3:00 a.
m.
on a Tuesday? Let's not go crazy Of course.
Yes.
That.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna think of something good to make Tina do later when I'm feeling really bad about myself.
But we've got a deal.
Whoa, that's a lot of technology.
We get it.
You have e-mail.
(groans) I'm using social media to triangulate Jonas's whereabouts.
Look.
Jonas is friends with David Schnabel, who just tweeted at Vanessa Jackson "See you at Casey's party.
" And according to Leilani LeFelt's secret blog she thinks no one knows about, Jonas has a huge crush on Vanessa.
So that means Jonas is at Casey's party.
Voila.
All right, troops, wheels up, we're flying! I-I don't think we can go to a high school party, Louise.
Mom and Dad will kill me.
There'll be high school boys there.
Right.
Maybe we can just do a quick pop-in.
Oh, wait, you think you're gonna get into that party? Oh, you are never gonna get in.
I wouldn't even get in, and I'm the hottest girl in eighth grade.
You're in eighth grade? I thought you were someone's mom.
Trust me, Tammy.
Getting in is gonna be the easy part.
I've gotten into the teacher's lounge so many times I have my own coffee mug there.
It says "I Hate Mondays.
" Classic.
Mm I'm cashing in my favor.
If you can get me into that party, we're even.
Let's go! Every minute of our life is five minutes of a chinchilla's life! Aha! Here's our ticket into this poop show.
How is trash gonna help us? Oh, Wayne.
Watch and learn.
(doorbell rings) Well, someone did.
What? Did you say, "We didn't order any pizza"? No.
Well, someone did.
And old man pizza boss is gonna have my ass if I don't deliver it.
Where's the bathroom? Uh, down that way.
Thanks.
I'll be out of there in 30 minutes or less.
Hang on, Atlas.
We're coming, buddy.
Who's Atlas? (sighs) It's my secret name for Princess Little Piddles.
Really? Huh.
I call him Shinobu.
Princess Little Piddles it just isn't right.
I know.
Fourth graders shouldn't be in charge of names.
Or sex determination.
He has testicles for God's sake! I know! I told them, "Guys, those are testicles!" No one believed me! Everyone thought they were butt boobs! (grunts) I can't believe that worked.
Whew! Well done, Gene.
Aw are you going to the bathroom? Um no? Oh, my God! Oh, a high school party is no place for a small animal! They're probably playing Spin the Chinchilla with him right now! Uh, let's just focus here.
If you were a teenager with a chinchilla, where would you be? Chinchilla-con.
So this is our first high school party.
Let's savor this moment.
High school boys' butts are higher up, I'm noticing.
Okay, incoming teen dream, two o'clock if I'm using that term correctly, which I don't know, because I actually can't tell time on those round clocks.
Ring the flirt alarm, here I go.
Yeah, it's just like ding-dong, ring-a-ding, let this rip.
Hey, what grade are you guys in? (moans) (babbles) Forget it.
Bye.
I can't feel my arms! I can't move! Oh, God, he was taller than my dad! Oh, God, another one's coming! (panting) (babbling) On the Internet, you can be whoever you want, and no one will ever know.
Where does the word "modem" come from? (whispering): Should we get this one wrong? Just to not look suspicious? No.
We know this one.
We don't know it we're cheating.
Well, now we know it, and we're not getting it wrong.
Okay.
(loudly): You know the answer, DILFs? Old Kevin? Because we do.
(imitates modem) Lin.
What is that? What? It's a modem.
I'm making modem noises at them.
It-it's more like this.
(imitates modem) (both imitating modems) Okay, good modem noises, Date Nights of the Round Table.
Now back to the questions.
(both imitating modems) DAVE: Okay, okay! Tina.
I have to fart.
What? It's a fear fart.
I (grunts) I can't hold it.
Tammy, no! You can't fart at a high school party.
I know that! Don't you think I know that?! Okay, I'm gonna fix this, honey.
Can you hold it real tight until I get you to a window? I'm gonna pick you up now.
(both grunt) Gentle.
Don't squeeze.
(both grunt) Excuse us.
Coming through.
Just a couple of normal teenagers partying.
Hi.
How are you? How are you doing? Go, go.
(farts) (sighs) Tina, you literally just saved my life.
I am not gonna forget this until the day I die.
That's so Oh, my God, this girl farted! Right here, over here! What? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Nobody's listening to us.
Jonas bingo.
Whoa.
Knock-knock.
Who's there? Uh, you guys.
You guys who? That's right, you're not supposed to be here.
Give us the chinchilla, Jonas.
It's ours.
It's the fourth-grade class pet, for crying out loud.
What? Oh, well, sorry, I didn't know that.
I thought he was a gremlin, and I was like, "What? Gremlins are real?" Anyway, I gave him to Vanessa.
What?! What?! Where's Vanessa? She took it, went off with some of her friends, and they were like, "Girls only, except these three guys.
" (chuckles) Where did they go? I don't know.
They were talking about going roller-skating.
Wherever you do that.
The roller rink, maybe? Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm gonna slap you.
What? Ow, my moneymaker! Here, let me see that for a second.
Ow! Oh, you found Jonas.
Hi, Jonas.
Hey you, girl.
Whew, I was afraid you wouldn't remember me.
Does this mean we got the chinchilla back? Because Mom and Dad could be home any minute.
No.
Jonas gave him away, and now he's at a roller rink.
(groans) Jonas, what does Vanessa look like? I don't know.
She has hair and pants.
Great description you should work for the FBI.
Listen, you're coming with us to point out who she is.
Why would I do that? You guys belong together.
You have the thing, she has her thing.
Yeah, it's the opposite of "opposites attract.
" This is Jonas time.
This is what you've been training for.
You got to go with us.
Oh, my God.
Let's go! I'm coming, Shinobu.
I'm coming, Atlas.
I'm coming, roller rink snack bar hot dogs! All right, there's the rink.
Let's go get our chinchilla.
Oh, God, you don't think they have strobe lights in there, do you? Probably.
Why? Strobe lights give him seizures.
Oh, right, the strobe light incident.
Why did Alfonz bring a strobe light to show and tell? WAYNE: Ugh, 'cause his grandfather invented it.
Oh, my God, is that Teddy again? Ugh, pad thai is not good driving food.
Uh, everyone freeze! Huh? Why are we freezing? If we don't move, he can't see us.
Is that true? Maybe.
Hold your breath! Oh, shoot, I just remembered I'm allergic to peanuts.
(hacks) I'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
(hacks) Oh, my God, it worked.
Tina's a wizard.
Do something else.
Make a jean jacket appear on me.
Jean jacket! (Dave imitates air horn) It's time for the final round.
And incredibly, the seemingly dimwitted Date Nighters have rocketed into first place.
Yeah, Date Nighters! We're smart, and cute! Cuter than the DILFs! (booing) Yeah.
All right, okay, settle down.
Question one: I've never been a carpenter or on a boat, but Kurt Russell did both in what 1987 movie? (whispering): Lin, where's the answer sheet? Uh (gasps) Oh, no, it fell.
Oh, God, get it, Lin.
You're closer.
Shh, I got it, I got it.
(loudly): Oops, I dropped some hummus.
Hello, just getting that hummus there.
Okay.
We love hummus.
Hey, what's that? What? That's an answer sheet.
Nah.
Uh, yeah, definitely.
No.
No, no.
You were cheating, you're cheating.
Cheaters! No one's cheating.
No.
Total cheaters! Full-on cheaters! Okay, you know what? We were cheating.
I took my wife here on date.
We have about three of these a year.
In a good year.
And I brought her to bar trivia.
I screwed up.
And you didn't help, Dave.
You made us feel stupid, just because we didn't know the answers to any of the questions.
I know that was fun for Kevin.
(laughs) I know, I know.
But my wife found a way to make this date night fun, and, damn it, I'm not sorry about that.
So sweet.
You're out of here! Deborah! No, it Hands off, Deborah.
Hey! Ow! (grunts) Wow, I'm sorry, Lin.
That was, uh worth it.
(whoops) Hot one.
Next date night, let's cheat at karaoke.
LOUISE: All right, Jonas, where's Vanessa? Where's my chinchilla? WAYNE: Our chinchilla.
Okay, Vanessa, love of my life.
Let's see.
There she is! Let's go, let's go! Time to roll my way into Vanessa's heart.
Vanessa, where's the chinchilla? What? Princess Little Piddles! What's "Piddles"? He's our class pet.
Oh, I'm sorry, little kids, but that security guard offered me 40 bucks for it.
Oh, my God! How could you? It was easy.
He was like, "Here's $40.
" And I was like, "Here you go.
" (groans) Come on! Oh, Vanessa, that kid Jonas likes you, and you should give him a chance.
Or not.
Your call.
What? I can't hear you.
The music's too loud.
I got to skate.
Hey, Vanessa! Wait for me! Hey, sir? Yeah.
Can you push me towards that girl over there? All right.
(grunts) He touched my butt.
Excuse me, hi.
That thing you paid $40 for, it's ours.
You guys smoke weed? No, the chinchilla you paid $40 for.
What? No, no, no.
That's gonna be a present for my landlord.
I'm a little short on rent this month.
Why didn't you give him the $40? Hey, you're a smart kid.
Where were you five minutes ago? Over there.
Sorry, buddy, but the chinchilla already belongs to Miss Labonz's fourth-grade class.
(sighs) I guess I have to do the right thing.
You have 40 bucks? We can write you a check.
Do you have a check? I do.
Uh-oh.
What? Okay, if you were a chinchilla, and you were a rascally little son of a bitch that wouldn't stay in a box, where would you be? No! Damn it! Here, Shinobu.
Here, thingy.
Atlas, Atlas.
Here, thingy, thingy.
Javier.
Shinobu.
Where are you? Oh, wait, is that him? Or is that a loose furry skate? Ah! He's gonna get killed out there! Look out, coming through! Move it, people, move it! (whip cracks) Huh? ANNOUNCER: You know what that means.
Time for The Whip! (whip cracks) (gasps) Hang on, Shinobu! I'll protect you, Atlas! You okay? I'm okay.
(vomits) (groans) Let's get out of here, quick.
Go, go, go! Uh-oh, we have a vomit situation.
Look out, skaters, the floor gets slippery when wet.
(gasps) Vanessa! (thud) No! VANESSA: Oh, gross! Oh, God.
I like her less now.
TINA: Please let Mom and Dad not be home.
Please let Mom and Dad not be home.
Please let Mom and Dad not be home.
Mom? Dad? Oh, thank God, they're not home.
Well, Wayne, we did it.
Yeah, we did.
You were great out there on the rink.
You came through, big-time.
You, too.
So I'll hold Atlas while you go collect his things.
Oh, my God, after all we just went through to get him back, you're still acting like this? You still want to take him home? Don't forget his water bottle.
And, hurry, 'cause if he's gonna get a story tonight, I have to get him home soon.
You know what, why don't we just let him choose who he wants to stay with? (scoffs) I've cared for him every weekend for a year, so I think I know who he's gonna pick.
Perfect.
You stand there, I'll stand here, Put him down in the middle, Tina.
Okay.
Come to Wayne, Atlas.
Come here.
Shinobu.
(kissing) Come on, come to Wayne.
Come here, baby.
Come on, Atlas.
Atlas.
Come here, come, come, come.
Ah, yes! Take that, Wayne.
He loves me, not you.
He's sick of your boring rules! Okay, he's made his choice.
Well, I guess I'll get going.
Uh have a good weekend.
Uh, don't you want to say good-bye to Shinobu? Oh, no, I'll I'll see you Monday.
That didn't feel as great as I thought it would.
I mean, it still feels great, but just not as great.
My theory is that Wayne is really sad because you made him think the chinchilla doesn't love him.
Why don't we all go get in bed really fast, and think about whether Gene is right.
Go, go, go! Hi.
Why did some kid just run out of here crying? There's always kids running out of here crying.
What are you still doing up? Oh, hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
We weren't out or anything.
We were home all night.
Okay.
You saying that makes me think you maybe Hey, you know what, this one's on me.
You don't even have to pay me.
High school party? What? (chuckles) W-Wait, hold on a second.
What's wrong with Louise? Louise, honey, you okay? I think I need a ride somewhere.
Mm no.
What are you doing here? Hey, so after you left, Shinobu seemed real down and kind of off.
He wasn't sneezing or anything, like, not a single seizure.
Really? Oh.
Anyway, I guess maybe he missed you.
He did? I just don't think he's gonna be happy at our place.
Plus, my dad's simple and doesn't know his own strength.
Oh, I can see that.
I mean, your dad looks like he'd sit on anything.
Oh, he has.
I'm right here.
So you better just take him.
I don't think he even likes me.
(whispers): Stop it, play along.
Tell me how it goes on Monday, will you? Okay, thanks, bye.
Bye.
That was nice, Louise.
That was really, really sweet.
Ugh, I know.
You know, me and your mom cheated at trivia tonight.
Really? Yup.
Impressed? What's wrong with you? You took her to trivia? Sounds like you cheated Mom out of a date.
There's my girl.
LINDA: Date night tonight Gonna go out, get some food Have a few drinks, forget we have kids for a little bit La, yeah Date night tonight, yeah Gonna go out, get some food Have a few drinks, forget we have kids for a little bit Gonna go out, get some food Have a few drinks, forget we have kids for a little bit La, yeah It's just what we do Date night, date night, date night Gonna go out