Cheers s05e15 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Are you, uh, are you going to make a move in our lifetime? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, come on, Norm.
Why don't you just give up? You're finished.
Well, not necessarily.
He could move this piece over to here.
My God, Woody, that's brilliant.
You're suggesting that after two futile interpositions, he attempt to force unobstructed access to the eighth rank.
Well, no, I'm saying he should take your horsey with his little pointy-headed guy.
No, not that one.
Too late! Checkmate! (cackles) Good game, Norm.
Okay, next victim.
SAM: Well, what's with this obsession with chess here, huh? Oh, it's just a hobby, Sam.
You know, uh, relieve the tension.
Well, I got a better way to relieve tension.
Her name's Tawny.
You want her number? No, thanks, Sam.
I prefer something with a little mental stimulation as well.
So read to her first.
No, thanks.
I'll stick to chess.
You know, that and fencing were my two outlets during college.
Oh, boy, fencing.
I haven't had the old epée out in years.
Boy, that'd make me pretty tense, too.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away ♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪ ♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪ And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Mind if I play, Dr.
Crane? No, not at all, Woody.
I've thrashed everybody else in the bar.
You may as well be allowed your chance at ignominious defeat.
Well, thank you, Dr.
Crane.
(whimpering) (whimpering continues) Hi, Sam.
Hi, Lor are you all right, Loretta? I'm fine, and you? Oh, I'm-I'm fine.
That's nice to hear.
Is Carla working tonight? Yeah.
She's right over there.
Thank you, Sam.
It's been nice talking with you.
(sobs) Excuse me, Carla, but I caught Nick cheating on me and I've decided to leave him.
So you finally found out my ex-husband is a jerk.
Well, I told you that before you married the bum.
I've done my part.
(sobs) Carla Don't ignore her in her time of need.
Can't you tell when a woman is dying? Sure.
When the roots start showing.
Like that.
Want a drink? A diet cola would be wonderful.
Okay.
Look, kid, I'm sorry this happened to you.
Oh, thank you, Carla, thank you.
I'm moved beyond recognition.
How long did it take you to mend your broken heart? I'll let you know when it happens.
Loretta would you like to talk about it? Not really.
To come home and find out that a loved one has been unfaithful is a terrible blow.
The best therapy is to tell how you feel about it.
I'm against it.
All right, Diane, you've got your catharsis.
Now leave the girl alone.
Well, at least I'm trying to help.
You're merely trying to figure out why your king's about to be mated.
Oh, my God.
Woody, you must be an idiot savant.
Yeah, but I cover it by smiling a lot.
Come on, Loretta.
Don't hold it inside.
Well, Nick, who is my husband, has been seeing another woman.
I just realized it today when I found blonde hairs on Nick's shirt.
Loretta, you're a blonde.
Sure.
Take his side.
Would you excuse us, please? Look, it's closing time.
Loretta needs someone to confide in right now.
Sam, why don't you go on home, and we ladies will take care of her.
Wh-What is this "we" bit? I feel very strongly that it's our duty as women to be there for another woman when she wants to talk.
Just as I feel very strongly that it's my duty as a man to be there for a woman when she doesn't want to talk.
Same kind of thing.
We'll miss that kind of poignancy, Sam.
Now, what do you say? Will you do it? Oh, all right.
But only because no living thing should be subjected to a night alone with you.
That's the spirit.
Let's wrap it up, guys.
Oh, oh, well, all right, Sam.
We can, uh, finish this up tomorrow, Woody.
Well, who's winning now, Dr.
Crane? Oh, what does it matter who's winning? We'll just start out fresh tomorrow, okay? Night, Sam.
Oh, Carla, I still love him.
Nothing you can do.
We're talking about Nick Tortelli.
He wants you, you got no choice.
This is the part I don't get.
Here's a man that quicksand would spit up and yet he has this strange Svengali-like power over you.
Oh, yes.
From the moment I first saw him, I knew I'd follow him to the ends of the earth.
Where he's obviously spent a lot of time.
You know, there's, there's something about him.
I mean, he knows women.
Like a jeweler knows jewels.
Like a meat cutter knows meat.
Like a marine biologist knows marines.
Knowing me as well as I do, I'll probably end up crawling right back to him.
Yeah, and he'll be there waiting with that cute look on his face and those three little words, "She's my cousin.
" You're not crawling back to him.
We're gonna fight this together.
You don't need that reptile.
You can take care of yourself.
But what'll I do? Well, you must be good at something.
Well I'm great at singing.
Okay.
In fact, before I married Nick, I was on my way to becoming a taller, blonder, less Mormon Marie Osmond.
Loretta, if Nick's going to treat you this way, you can't let him come between you and your career.
You're right.
I've got to sing again.
Do you think Sam would let me sing here? Let me take care of it.
I can talk him into anything.
SAM: No, Diane, I told you.
Absolutely not.
I wish you'd reconsider.
Oh, please Loretta needs a job.
And you've never had a singer before.
Oh, I've had a singer.
You probably mean Yes, in the bar.
Right.
It might be good for business.
I, uh I don't need a-a singer.
C-Can you waitress? No, but I can do a salute to waitresses in my act.
Come on, it's only temporary, until she can get back on her feet.
Okay, all right.
Okay.
I ran across an interesting fact the other day.
You know, if I took a, uh, ride in a spaceship at the speed of light for ten years, when I return, I'd be ten years older, but everybody else here would be 80 years older.
Now, do you realize the ramifications of that? Yeah, for once you'd be the best player on our softball team.
I just can't discuss science with you.
Cliffie, Cliffie Give me a break.
W-Wait! Carla! Nick.
Long time, no see.
You do somethin' to your hair? No.
Think about it.
(wheezing laughter) Nick, be a cannibal.
Eat a rat.
The magic is still there, Carla.
Whatever happened between us? You lied, you cheated, you neglected the kids, you never came home, and you drank too much.
Nah.
It'd have to be more than that.
Say the word, blondie, and we can happen.
I'd rather be the love toy of a Greek army battalion.
Who wouldn't? But dreaming gets you nowhere.
Nicky! Loretta.
I've decided to forgive you for bursting in on me and Miss Romero in the shower.
I'm sorry, Nicky.
You oughta be.
It was very embarrassing.
Let's go home.
Okay.
Be strong.
I mean No.
That sounded negative to me.
I'm here for you.
I'm not going home with you.
I'm leaving you, Nick.
NICK: Uh get-g-get in the car, sugar lump.
Don't make me mad now.
Hey, Nick, why don't you leave her alone? Uh, Sam, she's coming home with me.
Uh, in case you have forgotten, she is my, uh, betrothed.
She doesn't want to go back to him.
All right.
Please help her.
I know.
I know.
Nick, come on.
Beat it.
She doesn't want to be around you right now.
Eh, Sam, buddy, uh, it is not a good thing for them to see us fighting here.
Uh, these people, uh, they look up to us.
Uh, we're role models.
Then don't make me ask again.
Okay, okay, I'm not looking for trouble.
Eh, but mark my words.
Eh, I'm coming back for my woman.
Oh, Sam, you stood up for me.
Nobody's ever done that for me before.
Oh.
Sam, I'm aghast.
What? You of all people?! Have you no respect for our blessed union? Oh, come on, Nick.
There's nothing going on here.
I'm not interested in Loretta.
Uh, I got one thing to say to you, Sam.
Two can play the same game.
You took my woman I'm gonna take yours.
Me? You're taking me? The only thing you should be taking is penicillin.
This is great.
Nick is gonna cast a love spell on Miss Goody Two Shoes, and I get to watch.
Actually, I'm not gonna make my romantic approach tonight.
It's getting too late for that.
Ah, yes, goodness look at the time.
Time.
Time to lay back.
Time to forget your inhibitions.
This is diabolical.
From this day forward, there will be nobody for you but me.
You will fall hopelessly in love and follow me to the ends of the earth.
Oh, yeah and bring a six-pack.
God, the man is insane to think that anyone would be gullible enough to fall for that idiotic nonsense.
LORETTA: ? Mr.
Sandman, bring me a dream.
? (applause) Thank you, thank you.
You've been a wonderful audience.
Expecting someone, Diane? No, not really.
Sure you are.
He's out there somewhere.
Waiting.
I've heard so much about Nick Tortelli's magic, but it's been a week, and I haven't seen any evidence of it.
Don't you see what he's doing? It's all part of his plan.
You know, like when the drums stop in a jungle movie? You sit and wonder what are the natives doing? And then you start to sweat.
He's a genius.
(makes bomb whistling, explosion sounds) Woody, I refuse to continue playing if every time you take one of my pieces, you go (makes whistling, explosion sounds) I'm sorry, Dr.
Crane; I thought it added a little bit of excitement to the game.
Well, it doesn't! Okay, Woody.
You know, I think it's time we took off the gloves.
I have allowed you to defeat me several times because I was going easy on you, so as not to crush your natural enthusiasm.
But I think it's time you took a giant step toward maturity.
There are a great many lessons to be learned in defeat.
Chief among them is how to lose gracefully.
Checkmate.
(loud growling) You missed my king.
(growling) (makes bomb whistling and explosion sounds) Dr.
Crane! Good night, Loretta.
Thanks, Sam.
Mm-hmm.
Never again does she sing in this bar.
Yes, dear.
You know, Sammy, I know you kind of like Diane.
(grunts softly) But you're gonna have to face it.
She's his now.
Oh, come on, will you stop it? I mean, Nick and Diane-- they don't even belong on the same planet.
The guy doesn't have any table manners.
I mean, he thinks he's God's gift to women.
And when was the last time he even picked up a book? How's that different from you, Sam? All right, there's a big difference there's a big difference between thinking you're God's gift and knowing it.
(cash register dings) You know, Sammy, I, uh, think Nick is getting to you.
Why? You think I'm worried about this? Are you kidding? Uh-huh, well, look at this.
You added these receipts all wrong.
I did not.
Then you're saying we took in $32 million tonight? Well, there was that party of ten in the corner table there.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go add these on the machine, okay? Yeah, maybe you better.
Uh Diane, I'm going to go home now and watch the, uh, last half of the Celtics game.
All right? Okay, Sam.
See you in the morning.
Okay.
I'll be dreaming of you.
I'll be dreaming of me, too.
Closing! (register dings) Good evening, Miss Chambers.
Nick, you had better be here to tell me that you've given up your quest to win my favor.
Please, Miss Chambers, this is for you and you alone, my sweet.
(loud whistle) (violins playing "As Time Goes By") God, you've got to be kidding! In matters of amore, Nick Tortelli never kids.
Sit.
I am not a dog.
Of course you're not.
You think I'd spend this kinda dough on an ug-o? Now, come on.
We have a night of magic ahead of us.
Let us commence.
Nick, there will be no dinner, no magic, no us.
You and I have to talk.
Now, please, sit down.
Okay.
(snaps fingers) Nick will you give up on me? You and I are an impossibility.
The only thing you instill in me is the desire to flee.
And then to be de-flea'd.
I'm sensing that, uh, we're not gonna hit the sheets together.
That is correct.
Save it! (violins stop) Why are you wasting your time on this? Loretta's the woman for you.
She's spending all of her time with Sam.
Women can't get their eyes off of that guy.
I guess, in his own way, he's good-looking.
Oh, Nick, you're every bit as mistaken as you can be.
Sam and Loretta are not an item.
Sam is mine.
So, why don't you do something decent for once and go back and make your marriage work? (whispering): Get up, get up, get up! What's going on here? Surprise! I just came because I forgot my my charts.
Is this all for me? Of course it's for you.
It's my attempt to win you back into my heart.
Isn't that right, Miss Chambers? Oh, yes, yes.
He's really a sweet guy, isn't he, Loretta? He sure is.
Yeah.
If he weren't already taken, I'd snap him up for myself.
Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
I'm just going in the back to freshen up.
I'll be out of here in just a few minutes.
I really like that Debbie.
Uh Loretta, if I have caused you, uh, any heartache, I want to say I'm sorry.
But I really do love you, and I know you love me, and it's crazy for us not to be together.
You're the only woman on Earth for me.
How come the cake says "Nick and Diane"? Excuse me? How come the cake says "Nick and Diane"? You know what a lousy speller I am.
Oh, right.
But, wait, that's pretty bad.
This wasn't for me after all, was it? This was for some girl named Diane! No! It's no use.
We're through forever.
If you ever need a singer, I'm available for any gig.
Cut it! Nick.
Carla! (violins playing) What's all this? This is for you, my sweet.
All this is for me? Yeah.
And if this is not an attempt at reconciliation, uh, I don't know what is.
This is.
You don't believe me? Whose lipstick is on the glass? What? I'm gonna have the caterer flogged.
Right, Nick.
I hope you guys got your money up front.
Nick? Diane.
Diane, look how fate once again has brought us together this evening.
Uh, excuse me if I don't get up for you.
Where's Loretta? Uh, I don't know.
She, uh, she got up and ran out on me.
Uh, apparently, she didn't like the cake.
Nick, do yourself a favor.
Get up out of that chair, march out that door Do you mind? (music stops) March out that door, find your wife, take her in your arms, sweep her up off her feet, and tell her that "if our hearts cannot be as one for all eternity, life will have lost all meaning.
" Okay, I'll do that.
That's it, boys.
You're off the clock.
Find your own ways home.
NICK: Loretta! Did I miss something here? Men.
They are so stupid.
What are you doing here? Oh, well, I thought it was more important for me to be here with you than watching some silly old basketball game.
Your TV's broken? Yeah.
This whole thing is so sad, really very sad.
Oh, that's all right.
It's under warranty.
It'll be okay.
No, I'm talking about life.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
How a good woman can make all the difference in the world, and yet men are constantly letting them slip away.
Mm I hope you don't let that happen to you and a certain flaxen-haired beauty in your life.
(chuckling) Don't worry.
I won't.
(playing "As Time Goes By")