Home Improvement s05e15 Episode Script

Welcome back to Tool Time and our week-long salute to the military.
- A subject near and dear to my heart.
- Tell them.
Well, I was a Navy C.
B.
That, of course, stands for Construction Battalion.
We are always the first ones in laying the groundwork for the other forces.
- We're the ones building the bridges.
- Klaus! We're building the roads, the landing strips We're Today we're talking about tools the military uses.
OK? I needed help on today's show.
An old high-school buddy of mine, Billy McDougal, will be here.
We used to call him "Moon Pie Face.
" But no longer.
It's Lieutenant Colonel William McDougal of the United States Marine Corps.
Bring him out with a round of applause.
Come on out here, Billy.
Moon Pie, Moon Pie, Moon Pie.
It's amazing, you know? I guess they wanted a few good men and one big wuss.
Tim, if I remember correctly, you were such a wimp, the Cub Scouts wouldn't take you.
Yeah.
But the Girl Scouts loved me.
We played war as kids.
What's it like playing war and getting paid for it? Timmy, I'm not playing war anymore.
I'm a tank battalion commander.
And today I've brought along a lot of the tools we use to work on the tanks.
Well, let's bring 'em on out here.
Heidi, the tools for the tanks, please.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
All right, let's start with the tool that we call "The Dog Bone.
" - Let me see that.
- Hold onto that, Timmy.
Now, we use that as a jack to lift road wheels.
Next, we've got a tool that we call "The Little Joe.
" Little Joe.
It looks more like Hoss to me.
It's definitely no Hop Sing, I'll tell you that.
Well, let's cut to the chase.
Is there any way that I could drive a tank? - Come to California and we can arrange it.
- All right! Excuse me, Colonel, but letting Tim drive a tank, well that's jeopardizing national security.
- Let it go, Al, please? - Al, you got nothing to worry about.
We've got 10,000 Marines on the base to keep their eyes on Tim.
- Right! - It's not enough.
- Jill! - Yeah, out here! What a great show today.
We did our salute to the military, right? I got invited out to California to a military base to drive a tank.
Wow, that's so great! When do we go? We? Is that "we" like in "we," or "we" like in "whee!"? You're not planning on going without me? Well, I no.
I thought I'd make reservations at that spa in Palm Springs.
- Yes! - You'll be at that hotel soaking in mud, and I'll be at the base driving through it.
Tim, I'm the army brat.
It'd be fun for me to go to a military base.
- Driving a tank is not about fun.
- What is it about? It's about grown men driving heavy equipment while other grown men hide in bushes and act like bad guys.
I do not want to hang around the hotel while you get to do all the cool stuff.
- Oh, cool stuff? - Yes.
In the desert, it's hot.
You know how you are.
"It's so hot.
My hair is so sandy and my skin's so dry, it's like a pair of alligator shoes.
Look at this.
It's cracking.
" Tim, that is not me - that's you.
- Now, why can't I go to the base? - What's the purpose of it? The military doesn't allow women to drive tanks.
You'd be bored.
I would not.
I'd be standing around trying to convince them that women are perfectly capable of driving tanks.
Well, there's a good time.
Oh, come on! How many times do we find something that we're both interested in? Never.
And I don't want to screw up a winning formula.
Come on! We'll have the boys stay with Al.
What do you say? What do you say? Four words that seem to rule my life - "Anything you want, Jill.
" Ah, just a minute OK.
Al, quit fluffing the pillows and let us in.
- Hey, all right! Come on in! How are ya? - Hey, watch the hair! OK.
Thank you so much for taking care of them this weekend.
Yeah.
It really works out for us that you have no life.
I have a life.
It just happens that llene is away at an orthodontic retreat.
Besides, I love hanging out with these guys.
- Oh, I'm gonna miss you boys so much.
- Have a good time, listen to Al, all right? Right.
We'I have a wild, carefree weekend! Anything goes! - All right! - Oh, but not there.
No.
OK.
Al, here's the number of the hotel.
If you can't page us in the room, - then page us at the pool.
- OK.
If not at the pool, page at the base.
I wrote this number down.
There's a three-hour time difference.
If it's four here, it's one there.
- Right.
- If it's six here, it's three there.
Honey, if you keep talking to him, we'll still be here before we even get there.
Here, here.
OK.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
- Have a good time.
- Bye, kids.
Be good.
Well, OK.
Bye.
Well, are you ready for a carefree, wild weekend? - Yeah.
What are we gonna do? - I thought we would Don't touch that.
Your dad already broke it.
You know, I thought maybe we'd start off with a rousing game of Parcheesi.
Huh? Winner gets a fat-free fig bar.
What a treat for three fig lovers like us! Oh, not to worry.
I got a consolation prize - low-sodium rice cakes.
This is great.
Mom and Dad get to go to California, and we get figs and rice.
OK, I see what it is.
You guys are feeling a little left out.
Huh? Yeah, well, I know what it feels like to be left out.
When I was your age, my folks left me when they went off to the Amish country.
I remained bitter for years.
Well, you got over it, right? Rather not talk about it.
There are four fuel tanks on the M1 A1 that hold a total of 504 gallons.
Whoo! I hope you have self-serve.
- What does this thing weigh? - I'm guessing 65 tons.
No, no, no.
It's gotta be more like a hundred tons.
Actually, the curb weight is 67.
7 tons.
Very impressive, Jill.
- She grew up on a military base.
- I always loved tanks.
Hey, wait a minute! What does one of these things cost out the door? more if you want the CD player.
- Wow! Well, what kind of engine's in it? - 1500-horsepower gas turbine.
- Wow! The old M48 had what? 750? - This tank also has battlefield override, a 120-millimeter smooth bore, and enhanced shift tie-downs.
You know, to make it look better chrome wheels and a custom paint job.
I'll mention that to the Pentagon.
Jill, you really know your tanks.
Oh, I always loved tanks.
When I was a child, I used to dream of driving one.
Of course, I knew I'd never get to since I'm just a lowly, inept, helpless female.
And it starts.
You know, many people think that policy is outdated.
Good.
Uh, Tim, you might want to stay away from the tank commander's post.
There are buttons that can get you into trouble.
Oh, I love buttons.
Man, what I wouldn't give to get behind the T-bar of one of these hogs.
Jill, even though women aren't allowed to operate these in combat, we could arrange a test drive for you.
No! You're kidding me! You're gonna let me drive a tank? - Tim, he is gonna let me drive a tank! - I don't think that's such a good idea.
She has the facts, but hands-on experience - that's something else.
Everybody OK? I was just showing her how to use the machine gun.
These are the tanks you'll be driving.
Now, remember, Timmy, this isn't the old Chevy Nova you had in high school.
Of course not.
That bit the dust when the tree ran into me, remember? We've set up an obstacle course for the two of you.
You got a real one for me and, like, a little baby one for Jill? We'll see who's crying for his mommy when this is over.
Yeah, we will.
The objective is to maneuver through the course without knocking over pylons.
So, let's pile on! Remember, honey, it's not like driving around the mall parking lot.
Yeah.
It's not like that Tool Time set either.
If you have any questions, just ask your tank commander.
You'll be communicating with your radio mike.
- I got it.
- Got it.
And good luck out there.
Fire in the hole.
Eat my dust, sucker.
- Whoa, I love this! - asy on the throttle.
Mr Taylor Will you relax? I know what I'm doing here.
Wait a minute.
OK, yeah, all right! Watch out.
Mrs Taylor Your husband is losing control Tim? What is he doing? Mr Taylor.
watch out for the pylons Oh.
hey! Wait a minute Yeah.
OK.
OK Look out.
Mrs Taylor He's cutting you o It's a traffic lane here, Jill! - Mr Taylor.
look out for that sign - What sign? Oh, that sign.
Mrs Taylor.
is your husband out of his mind? Yes.
sir.
Corporal.
sir Oh, incoming! Incoming! OK.
Just playing through! Bill, what are the chances of me driving that tank again? Oh, about the same as Tool Time winning an Emmy.
That little tank accident could've happened to anyone.
It's never happened in the history of the Marines.
Well, the important thing is that nobody got hurt.
And we know our country would win if we're ever invaded by enemy golf carts.
Tim, not only is she a better tank driver than you, she's also funnier.
- Yeah.
I just can't stop laughing, Bill.
- No.
Mmm, chipped beef on toast.
I haven't had this since I was 11 years old.
Ew! You're probably still digesting it.
Colonel, I can't thank you enough.
You fulfilled a childhood dream for me today.
It was a pleasure watching you in action.
Like you've driven a tank all your life.
It was such a cool feeling.
You know, when I started I was so scared.
Then when I got comfortable, it was so much fun.
When you grabbed that T-bar, you just let her rip Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You know, how do they get the tea this color? Boy.
Hey, Steve, have a seat! Meet my old buddy, Tim Taylor.
- Good to meet you, sir.
- And his lovely wife, Jill.
- Hi, it's nice to meet you.
- You're the one the base is talking about.
- Boy, that was some tank driving! - Well, thank you very much.
- My husband got to drive a tank, too.
- Yeah.
The base is talking about that, too.
Yeah, you sure beat the pants off old Timmy here.
- Well, it wasn't a race.
- Yeah, you're right.
Give him a break.
He's probably one of those guys that doesn't know a whole lot about machines.
- What do you do for a living, sir? - I own a little dress shop.
- No, he doesn't.
He's got a tool show.
- No.
And it's a great show.
He had trouble with those obstacles, but it wasn't an easy course.
- You don't have to defend me.
- Not defending.
I'm just stating a fact.
You didn't have trouble with the course.
Well, OK.
I did a little better than you.
So, big deal.
Who cares? I care, little "Miss The Whole Base Is Talking About You.
" I can't believe you're being such a baby.
Oh, me? I'm the baby? - Whose turn is it to lower the flag? - I don't know.
Maybe we should do it, huh? - You don't have to go, guys.
Come on.
- Sorry, Tim.
It's not our war.
Congratulations.
You just did something most countries can't do - you got the Marines to retreat.
They didn't leave because of me.
You got angry.
Well, excuse me! Not only did you beat me on the obstacle course, you defend me like I'm a five-year-old.
Well, you're acting like a five-year-old.
You're upset because I drove the tank well.
No.
I'm upset because you driving it well made me look like an idiot! Well, even if I hadn't been there you still would've driven like an idiot.
That was a pretty quick game of Scrabble.
Now we're ready for Chinese Checkers.
Oh, sorry, Al.
Mom says we can't playing "Chinese Checkers" before bed.
Makes us too hyper.
All right.
Well, if conventional games don't tickle your fancy, I have a board game that you have never seen.
I invented this myself.
It is the prototype for what could become a national craze.
"The Tool Time Game"? Awesome! - How do you play? - Well, you have your choice of figures.
You can be Heidi.
You can be Al.
And you can be Tim in a body cast.
- All right, I got Heidi.
- Al.
Aw, man! Now, the object of the game is to finish your project without having to call an ambulance.
You can learn as you go along.
Mark, why don't you start us off? OK.
Start.
Two.
"Tim makes bad joke about Al's mom.
Audience boos.
Lose a turn.
" Mother loves that card.
- All right, it's my turn.
- That's right.
Ooh, four.
"Al's away at National Bingo Finals.
Tim hosts show alone and ratings drop.
" All right.
My turn.
All right, here we go.
Six, OK five, six.
All All right.
Pick up a card.
"Tim installs faulty wiring.
You're accidentally electrocuted.
" You lose.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Well, hi-ho, neighbor.
- When did you get back from California? - A few minutes ago.
- Mm, smells like ribs.
- Actually, I'm barbecuing some bulbs.
- Fluorescent or three-way? - No, Tim.
These are lily bulbs.
These are a dietary staple of the Native Americans of Montana.
- How was your tank-driving expedition? - A real kick in the lily bulbs.
- What do you mean? - Well, Jill and I both got to drive tanks.
And she has to act like a big shot by not driving through a sign, or shooting off a machine gun, or crushing a couple of golf carts.
Mm-mm-mm, she is such a show-off.
I didn't even want her going with me.
Well, traditionally, driving tanks is a man's domain.
Yeah, man's domain.
Oh, yeah.
To the best of my knowledge, women in the service aren't allowed to drive tanks.
- Yeah, no women drivers.
Oh, no.
- Which makes it all the more incredible that Jill accomplished what she did.
Yeah, that's all the more huh? Well, you did compliment her on her tank-driving expertise? How can you take her side? By her tagging along, she ruined my day.
Well, maybe you ruined her day by not acknowledging her accomplishment.
Well, maybe you ruined my day by pointing that out.
- Thanks, Al! - Thank you, Al! 'Night.
Bye.
- So how was it? How was the weekend? - Oh, the best.
Al let us stay up and watch monster movies.
And he made us popcorn just dripping with butter.
Oh, ho, ho, ho Yeah.
He even separated the unpopped kernels for us.
Well, I guess I'm never gonna be half the mother Al is.
- Hey, boys.
- Dad? How come you didn't marry Al? Well, to be honest with you, I thought about it.
But I just couldn't handle the thought of him giving birth to my children.
Little babies with beards and flannel diapers.
Ick! So, when you were driving the tank, how did it go? Ooh, the tank stuff! Wait till I tell you We should talk about your mom's experience first.
Great.
We talked about it at the base.
We talked about it on the plane.
They let her drive one, too.
And she was awesome.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- That's awesome! - It is great.
She drove it like a pro.
First woman to drive a tank.
You should be proud of her.
As a matter of fact, the first four million I'm getting, I'm buying a tank for her.
Never worry about finding a parking place in her life.
- Cool.
- All right.
Did you guys shoot the little? Wait, wait, wait! Put your stuff away and we'll talk about this at dinner.
- Hustle up.
Hustle up.
- No.
That was really nice.
Thank you.
Well, it would've been a lot nicer if I'd said it earlier.
I got thrown for a loop when I found out I was married to General George Patton and I was Gomer Pyle.
Shazam! Shazam! Shazam! Well, golly, Sergeant Carter! - across the desert was great.
- Dad, how did you do at the Marine base? Yeah, Dad.
You told us about Mom, but you never told us how you did.
Let's put it this way the Marines said no one's ever driven a tank like your old man.
- You were that good, huh? - I don't want to brag.
But I was in my element, guys.
Machines, Marines, latrines and lots and lots of beans.
I'm the master of that thing.
Oh! Ho-ho-ho-ho! My only regret? You guys weren't there to see it.
Actually, Dad, you know, we can see it.
The Marines made a tape for Mom.
- You can't look at that.
That's top-secret! - Oh, yeah? Really? Give it back.