Mike & Molly s05e15 Episode Script

It's been ten years since I've been able to slip into these.
I'm so proud of you.
Maybe-maybe hop a little.
Okay, okay.
I'll hop, you pull.
Ready? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah! There he is.
Hello, sexy.
Hold on.
We're not out of the woods yet.
I still got to zip.
Ooh, ooh! Lay on the bed.
I'll grab some pliers.
Wait.
Yeah! Ain't gonna be no rematch.
Ain't gonna be no rematch! Oh.
I bought these a decade ago after a both-ends stomach flu.
It nearly killed me, but I never looked better.
Until now.
You know, it's not everybody that can wear their flu pants.
And you did it the hard way.
Yep.
Diet and exercise.
I did more of the things I hate and ate less of the things I love.
Well, let's go show you off.
Where to first? I don't know.
Maybe try walking down the stairs.
Go from there.
Great.
Ooh! Right behind you.
If my ass wasn't numb, I would have really enjoyed that.
La, la-Ba-Dee-da La, la-Ba-Dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love I never thought I'd see the day.
Mike Biggs outrunning and apprehending a crook.
It's not my first foot pursuit, Carl.
Yeah, but it's the first time that you didn't quit after half a block and throw your nightstick at the guy.
I'll admit, two blocks in, I was ready to quit.
But when I realized he wasn't gonna drop that 50-inch plasma, I knew I had him.
Welcome to Abe's, home of the hot beef.
Can I interest you gentlemen in some mozzarella sticks while you decide on your order? Why do you sound like a waiter? I'm not just a waiter, I am a part-owner of this restaurant, which means providing you with a quality dining experience while turning you upside down and shaking every penny from your pocket.
Metaphorically, in your case.
So, your mozzarella sticks.
Ranch or marinara? Not so quick.
How come I can't have both? You sly fox.
Two it is.
What are you doing? Can't you see you're being manipulated? Make sure to save room for our delicious apple pie.
Ooh, now, that sounds tempting.
Seriously? I thought you declared your mouth a no-pie zone.
Aw, one cheat in six months isn't gonna kill me.
It's not like I'm having ice cream on it.
For only a dollar more, you can.
Deal.
That can't be right.
Damn it! One piece of pie can't weigh five pounds! You ruin everything! Oh, that smells so good.
Yeah, egg white scramble.
Pretty amazing.
Just with a little, you know, grilled onion, spinach, tomato, mushroom, salt, pepper, garlic, bay seasoning, you know, you can really make it taste like something.
You still got the yolks? When we get back from the walk, I might make a nice breakfast custard.
You'll do no such thing.
You're gonna start eating right, like Mikey's been doing.
Can't argue with the results.
Look at this guy.
I can just about Heimlich you.
Get off.
What? I'm impressed.
You went from a cautionary tale to a role model.
He sure did.
He's my biggest loser.
Look, uh, I realize I still have a ways to go, okay? What, are you kiddin' me? You finally got a handle on things.
When I first met you, I thought, "Holy moly, it's like a weather balloon wearing shoes.
" Mom, go walk him.
Please.
What'd I say? Let's go, boy.
Why can't people take compliments in this house? Here you go.
Uh, no, thanks, honey.
I-I think I'm gonna skip breakfast this morning.
Oh, come on.
Don't listen to Vince.
If he's not saying something dumb, he's saying something stupid.
No, it's not him.
I just don't feel like eating, okay? Fine.
You don't know what you're missing.
Mmm You really don't.
Number 36.
Number 37.
Have you seen those screaming goats on the Internet? Yeah.
Sound like a damn human being.
Really unsettling.
I don't mean to get philosophical, but it goes against God.
I got it.
I got it.
You know what, you are in a mood, man.
You should have just ordered something.
I did.
Green tea with lemon.
Y-You skipped breakfast this morning, y-you're skipping lunch now man, that's not healthy.
You know what's not healthy? A body that turns nine ounces of pie into five pounds of fat overnight.
Number 42! Right here.
You had to have lunch in Chinatown, didn't you? It smells so good I could go Godzilla on the whole neighborhood.
No, he's actually Japanese.
But I'm gonna let that go 'cause I like the imagery.
Oh.
Four dollars for all of this.
I mean, even if the chicken is pigeon, you can't beat that price.
Sure you don't want any? What do you think? Of course I do.
Well, man, grab some chopsticks.
Carl, I am trying so hard to stay on track.
Can you just support me in this, please? What are you worried about? You're doing great.
I am so sick of people saying that I am not doing great.
I'm barely holding on.
If I let my guard down, just like that.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
Not while I'm watching your back.
The key is not putting yourself in the position where you can be tempted.
Mm hold this while I get my soy sauce.
Number 44! Man, these things are persnickety.
Whew.
Look at this.
I am moo goo gai full.
I don't want to hear it.
You'll burn off half that walking to the toilet to crap out what hasn't already turned to muscle.
If nothing else, I am regular.
I could sew my lips shut and still never have a body like yours.
Yeah, well, I'll never have your beautiful blue eyes and a full head of hair everybody's different, Mike.
Yeah, well, I drew the fat straw.
You sure you drew just one? Back off, Seely.
I'm not in the mood.
All right.
Take it easy.
For your information, my man lost 50 pounds.
Hey! That's great, Biggs! I thought you went down a cup size.
Whoa, take I'm just playing with you.
Just playing.
You look great.
In fact, if this were the fair, I'd give you a blue ribbon.
What is it you need? Don't listen to him.
He's not worth it.
Just go home.
I got to get changed first.
Yeah, I'm fine, Carl.
All right.
You just keep your mouth shut.
Well, tell that to your partner.
'Cause I think that's his problem.
Now, now who has a problem? You do, man! He had it coming.
I'm not talking to you.
What the hell were you thinking? You heard the guy.
What was I supposed to do? What half the precinct ignore that fool and then sleep with his wife.
I'm sorry.
Seely deserved to get his butt kicked.
Yeah, well, congratulations.
Your heroics earned you a date with the police psychologist and a three-day suspension.
I thought I'd get at least two weeks boy, even the captain hates that jackass.
Is this the new Mike Biggs? Hmm? Starves himself and then when somebody annoys him, comes out swinging? I was just a little cranky.
Because you didn't eat.
Like an idiot.
And I still haven't eaten yet.
Oh, so you're threatening me now? You know I would never hit you.
Oh, you wouldn't hit me? How 'bout now? What about now? Knock it off! Man, just have a hard-boiled egg or something.
I want my Mike back.
There you are.
Hey.
You're late.
I was getting worried.
Yeah Everything okay? Uh I have something to tell you.
Okay I have tomorrow off! Really? What's the occasion? Oh, no occasion.
It was actually the captain's idea.
So he's just handing out days off now? Guess he was in a good mood.
He said take tomorrow off and the next day and Three days, tops.
Mike, I know what's really going on.
You do? Ugh.
Budget cuts.
They used to do that to us when I was still teaching.
Suggested furloughs.
Nothing gets by you.
You know, boy, that really chaps my cheeks.
You know, how about instead of cutting back on the police, you call up some of the mayor's cronies and tell them to take a couple of days off.
What are you gonna do? You can't fight city hall.
Well, watch me.
Wait, wait, what are you doing? Well, I'm standing up for my husband in a very nasty e-mail to the mayor's office.
No, no, no, no, no, no, please don't do that.
Mike you're too nice.
You let people walk all over you.
Sometimes you got to fight back.
Yeah.
Morning.
Morning.
Have you seen Mike? He already left.
Said he had some errands to run.
Really? I thought for sure he was gonna sleep in.
Must want to make the most out of his day off.
Day off? I like that.
Puts a positive spin on such a difficult situation.
What's that? You know.
You don't know.
Never mind.
Let's do this again.
Morning! Nuh-uh.
You're supposed to say "morning.
" No.
What is going on? I thought I was saying something Carl told me that you knew, but now I know you don't know, so I shouldn't say.
You know? Victoria Hmm I probably already know what you think I don't know, so you should probably just let me know.
You know? So you heard about Mike punching that other officer and then getting suspended? What?! You told me that you knew.
All right, tell me everything.
Carl is gonna kill me.
Well, you should've thought of that before you started saying "morning," you know? I'm looking for Dr.
Jeffries.
I have an 11:00.
You found the right place.
Come on in.
Okay.
Should I sit here? It's either there or on my lap.
How does this work? Well, we start out by finding your file.
Heroin problem?! Uh, no, no punched a cop.
Oh, right, right, right, right.
Uh, here we go.
Biggs, not Briggs.
Briggs has a heroin problem? That's confidential.
And please don't tell anybody I told you.
I see here you you hit a fellow officer.
Yeah, and I know I shouldn't have done it, but in my defense, this guy Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me stop you right here.
We're on the same side here.
And in the same union, huh? This is how it works.
You're not gonna do this again, are you? No, sir.
Great.
That's it? No, no, no, no, no.
Technically, you have to sit here for an hour.
Do we have to talk? That's up to you.
You want to talk? No.
There you go.
I mean, since we're not gonna talk, do you mind if I update your file? No, go ahead.
Uh, just remember, it's-it's, uh, Biggs, not-not Briggs.
You really got to keep that under your hat, okay? Boy, I was so nervous about coming here.
Is that your wife? Yep.
Very pretty.
I'm married, too.
Great girl.
Be glad she's not here.
Boy, she's a talker.
They all are.
You know what the funny thing is? I-I don't know why I didn't tell her about all this.
I guess I was just embarrassed, you know? She's She's been so proud of me lately.
And I don't know if it says it in my file, but I've lost over 50 pounds.
That is, until I slipped up and had that one cheat day.
Is that right? Why do I always go to food for my reward? I hate to say it, but it's usually the mother, isn't it? Not always.
But I know I hate mine.
I remember I was 16 when Dad left us high and dry.
I was devastated.
How did Mom make it better? With a pork tenderloin sandwich from Lucky's.
Yeah, the patty's bigger than the bun.
That man was my hero.
Lucky? No, my father.
I mean, who leaves their son at 16? Right when a boy needs the most help becoming a man.
You know, I was always a big kid, but, boy, when he left, I just I really ballooned.
You know, I have a lunch after this.
But I could cancel it if you want to explore this further.
Explore what? I'm just sitting here.
So, how was your day off? I didn't have the day off.
Don't lie to me, Mike, I know you didn't have the day off.
That's what I just said.
We need to talk.
Not until we talk wait a minute, what? All right, now you're m you're messing me up here.
Sit.
Molly I am barely holding on here.
Honey, what's going on with you? When does it stop? What? This! When do I have to stop worrying about every single thing I put in my mouth? I don't know.
It's not fair.
No.
It's not.
I-I feel like the world looks at me like this fat, lazy guy, when actually, I am working so hard.
Hey, I know how hard you're working.
And you know it, too.
And-And that's all that really matters.
And most days, I'm good with that.
But some days ah, it just gets to me.
I know.
Still doesn't mean you can go around punching people.
Not people.
Seely.
Okay.
Listen you and I are doing really well.
And I want you to be happy about that.
I'm trying to be.
Well try harder.
You're in a good place and I-I want you to enjoy the moment.
Last time I enjoyed the moment, I gained five pounds.
As long as there's pie, I'm not safe.
No.
As long as there's me, you are.
I wish I hadn't sent that nasty letter to the mayor.
Well, if he writes you back, say it was a typo, and you're married to an Officer Briggs.
That guy's all messed up.
Okay.
Nice.
Would anyone else like to share? Boy, Mike looks great.
Oh, you should tell him.
I bet he'd like to hear that.
Looking good, Mike Biggs! I didn't mean now.
Uh Hi, my name is Mike.
I'm an overeater.
Hi, Mike.
It's, uh It's been a while since my last share.
And this is usually the point where I would tell you how much weight I've lost, but, uh, I'm not gonna do that.
Because it's not about how much I weigh, it's about how I feel.
And today I feel pretty damn good.
Feeling good, looking good! Okay, Harry.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna feel great tomorrow, you know? But I'm gonna keep taking it one day at a time, because e-every day it's a battle.
You know? And sometimes the pie wins.
But the thing is you gotta keep fighting.
Thanks for letting me share.