The King of Queens s05e15 Episode Script

I know it's not your problem.
Right.
Ooh I've got me some sweet Valentine right there.
OK--no-- Uh, I will be there.
I understand.
OK.
Bye.
Don't forget, honey, we have dinner reservations at 6:30 at Le Petit Bistro, and if all goes well, dessert at Le No Underwear.
I hear good things about that place.
Uh here's the deal.
Um I can't let's see how I can put this go.
What?! What are you talking about? I have to deliver some penguins.
Penguins? Yeah.
Our regular animal guys are out sick and O'Boyle's making me and Deac drive the live cargo rounds.
We gotta bring 'em to the Albany Zoo.
I'm gonna be back really, really late.
All right, so let me get this straight.
You can't have dinner with your wife on Valentine's Day because you're delivering penguins? That's gonna make a hell of a story someday, huh? Thanks for the lift, my good man.
No problem.
Have a good time, Arthur.
I gotta go.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait around.
If Evelyn isn't here, I'm not staying either.
I didn't come for the punch, you know.
Look, I can't wait around.
Why not? It's Valentine's Day.
Didn't it occur to you that I might have a date? Hey.
Don't make me call you on that, son.
Fine.
Go look for your Evelyn.
I gotta use the bathroom, anyway.
Excuse me, uh, where's the men's room? You want to get there from here? That's tricky.
You got a map of the building? No.
I'll draw you one.
All right, you know what? That's OK.
I said I'll draw you one.
Evelyn, I must say, that dress, it's just outstanding.
Ohh! Thank you.
I saw it, I just had to have it.
Exactly how I felt the first time I saw you.
Oh, Arthur.
You make me laugh.
Really? How about I have my driver take us back to your place for a glass of fine wine, that is, assuming you have fine wine.
I would love to, Arthur, but I'm with my sister and I can't leave her here alone.
OK, now, you're here.
No, you're--wait.
You're here.
No, wait.
Oh, damn! This is a map of my house.
Where's some more paper? Spence, I'd like you to meet Evelyn and her very single sister Betty.
Hi.
Hi, Hol.
Hi, Carrie.
Is your dad here? Uh, no.
Why? You weren't supposed to walk him tonight, were you? No.
No, but my boyfriend and I kind of broke up-- It's no biggie-- it's a mutual thing.
Anyway, um instead of staying home alone, I thought maybe I could come over here and throw your dad a freebie.
I assume you're talking about a free walk.
Yeah.
Oh, not-- No, no.
No.
I have a strict policy on that, believe me.
OK.
Well, you're out of luck.
He's down at the senior center tonight.
Aha Is there anything else, or No.
No Oh, boy.
Carrie why does every guy break up with me? I mean, I let them stay at my apartment.
I give them money.
Well, it sounds like you're doing all the right things.
I know look, um You'll--you'll find someone else.
No, no, I won't.
I'm a loser.
No, you're not a loser, OK? Now, I only met him once, but I'd say that guy you were dating, now, he's a loser.
What was wrong with Snake? Well for one, um, the neck tattoo.
Well, a lot of people have tattoos.
Yeah not of Charlie Brown shooting up.
Let me ask you a question, Hol.
Uh, where do you usually go to meet guys? Uh, well, I go to Duffy's a lot.
They let me drink for free 'cause I gave them my bra and panties to hang on the wall.
OK.
You need to start going to places where the women keep their underwear on and the men are OK with that.
Like where? Oh, OK, uh well, there's this great new martini bar that just opened up on 38th Street.
A lot of people from my office go there.
Well, that sounds great.
Oh, it is great, and they make the best raspberry cosmos-- Hey, I bet you it's hoppin' right now.
I'm sold! Let's go! Oh, no, I wasn't talking about me.
I--I can't-- Oh, right.
No, no, of course.
It's Valentine's Day.
I'm sure you have plans with Doug.
Yeah, um, actually he's driving penguins to Albany.
I'll go change.
Great.
Where the hell are we, man? I don't know.
You said this road would get us to Albany.
No, I said it would get us to Albany faster.
And it would've gotten us to Albany faster if it went to Albany.
I can't believe you, man.
Sorry, all right? I'm just trying to get back in time to salvage a little Valentine's Day with my wife.
OK? All right, all right.
All right, the next exit is Industrial Boulevard.
That should take us back to the thruway.
OK, good.
Why do you think they're sending these penguins to another zoo, anyway? I don't know.
Maybe they're troublemakers.
You mean stealing fish or giving people the flipper? Up yours! What? Here it is.
I can't get over! The exit.
Just go for it! You all right? Yeah.
I think so.
Yeah.
All right.
Everyth-- Everything's OK.
Everything's OK.
What the hell was that? It sounds a lot like loose penguins.
Be careful.
All right, well one's still locked up.
Where's his friend? Close the door! Close the door! OK.
All right.
It's no biggie.
We just we just gotta get him back in his cage.
Right.
Just go ahead.
Me? No way.
You're the one who drove off the road.
You do it.
I'm not touching that thing.
It could be poisonous.
Penguins aren't poisonous.
Why, you're a big baby! Get back.
OK, what just happened here stays between us.
Right.
So so what now? Well, how about this? I saw on one of those nature shows, I think penguins, they're afraid of walruses.
You know? So if you get down there and act like a walrus, maybe you can scare him back into his cage.
OK, so you and me are both up for the role of walrus and I get it? I can't believe this.
It's not working.
Oh, it's not working? Come on, boy.
Come on, boy.
All right.
That was easier than I thought.
Just call me Dr.
Douglittle.
No.
All right, let's get out of here.
All right.
All right.
What's goin' on? It's locked.
"Warning" "Retain key at all times.
" Mother of ass! I love this place.
And these cosmo things are delicious.
OK.
Slow it down there, Hol.
Slow it down.
Sorry.
I'm used to drinking Rheingold through a funnel.
Well, you can get back to that tomorrow.
Tonight we focus on finding you Mr.
Right.
Or at least Mr.
Not Steal Your PIN Number.
OK.
I'm ready.
What do I do? What do I do? All right, all right.
Well, the most important thing is to just play it cool.
All right? You just spot a guy you'd like, and you make eye contact then you give him a little smile and then as quickly as you gave him that smile, you snap it right back.
You want him to know that you're interested, but it's still up to him to make the first move.
Ohh Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I was just showing her something.
Go--go back to your table.
Go, go.
Go, go.
Go, go.
All right.
Tip number 2-- When you're talking to a guy and you know you like him, brush something off his shoulder.
That'll drive him nuts.
What if he doesn't have anything on his shoulder? It doesn't matter.
Oh, I understand.
You gotta work it.
Right.
Yeah, that's how you landed Doug, huh? Something like that, yeah.
Carrie? Mm.
Mr.
Pruzan, hi! What are you doing here? Well, it's Valentine's Day, so I thought I'd spend it with Lady Vodka.
At least she doesn't cheat on me with my brother when he stops by to return a book.
Well, I guess we'll leave you two alone.
Come on, Holly.
All right.
Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend? Oh, I'm sorry.
Um, Mr.
Pruzan, this is Holly, my dog-walker.
Holly, this is my boss Mr.
Pruzan.
It's very nice to meet you, Holly.
Walker of dogs.
Nice to meet you, too, Mr.
Pruzan.
Boss of Carrie.
You have something on your shoulder-- No! No, he does not.
He really doesn't! He really does not! Anyway, I guess we'll see you first thing Monday morning.
A booth just opened up! Oh, no! Come on, let's sit down.
That's not necessary.
Really.
Thank you.
All right.
Carrie, Holly's running a little low.
Get her a fresh drink, would you? And I'll have a triple Gray Goose, ice on the side.
Thank you.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
The summer wind came over you From across the sea And lingered there Arthur, can I talk to you for a minute? Not a good time, Spence.
Now.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
Keep that motor running.
I'm going home.
Why would you want to go home? It's Valentine's Day and I just dropped a perfectly good woman right in your lap! She's old enough to be my grandmother.
She's your Mrs.
Robinson.
I'm going home.
But this is my big chance.
I'm begging you.
Take the bullet for me, son! Fine.
Everything all right, Spencer? Everything's great.
So Arthur tells me you're an eye doctor.
No.
Arthur lies.
I work for the Transit Authority selling tokens.
Really? That must be very interesting.
No, it isn't.
I sit in a glass booth all day.
Actually, I do, too.
I sell tickets at the Midway movie theater.
The Midway? Mm-hmm.
That's a nice booth.
Mm.
Did you get that anti-glare coating yet? No.
And I've been begging my manager for it.
Oh, it will change your life.
The way Help! Help! Help! Help! We're trapped in here! It's cold! And we have penguins! Just stick with "Help.
" They don't need to hear the whole damn story.
Hey, you yell for help the way you want, I'll yell for help the way I want, OK? This wouldn't have happened if you'd just stayed on the route we were given.
You're blaming this on me? You're the one who got us locked in here! I only closed the door because you told me to.
I'm sorry.
I assumed you could read a huge warning sticker with lightning bolts on it! Man, we're so screwed! Say, you know what? I am big, and I am strong, and there's no way I am spending Valentine's Day locked in a truck.
Step aside.
Aaaahhh! So, professional dog-walking what's that all about? Um well, I go to people's houses, and basically I walk their dogs.
That's incredible.
One ahi tuna, sliced extra thin.
And tempura rolls for my dog-walker.
Actually, can you excuse me for a sec? Sure.
Yeah.
Where you headed? Well, like they say, you don't buy drinks, you rent 'em.
She's de-lightful.
I can't believe you didn't introduce me to Holly sooner.
You know I'm going to London next week.
You think if I took her along, she'd sleep with me? I think if you took her to Ihop, she'd sleep with you.
Uh, Mr.
Pruzan, can I be honest with you? Sure.
Um I don't really think Holly is the right girl for you.
But we have chemistry.
Did you see the way she brushed that thing off my shoulder? It was electric.
Even so, even so uh, there are-- There are things, um, about Holly, you know, that-- What are you getting at? Well, she's got a real temper.
You know? I mean, you should see her with her dogs.
I mean, she puts this choke chain around their neck, she just really, really yanks 'em real hard.
She yells at them.
Keep talking.
You know, I never told anyone this, but sometimes, I feel like I'm in a glass booth, cut off from the world, even-- Even when you're not actually in your booth.
Yes! I've felt that way the same way my whole life.
Like you never fit in.
Yes.
You have the most amazing blue eyes.
Actually, they're dilated from one of my medications.
They're very nice.
Soulful.
You are a very special man, Spence Olchin.
And you're a very special woman Betty Guttenplant.
Why'd you invite me over, then?! I didn't know you wanted that! Hey! Don't hang the meat in the window if it ain't for sale! Come on, Spence.
This place is squaresville.
Come on, let's go.
What?! You heard me! But I-- I guess I gotta go.
Call me.
Hey, uh you got an extra one of those? Huh? Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Do you have a light? Thanks.
I don't usually smoke, but Bad night? Yeah.
My dog-walker is hooking up with my boss, so apparently, I work for her, too.
If I don't smoke, I might do something I'll regret in there.
You wanna do something you might regret out here? All right, you know what? Back it off, Fonzie.
I'm happily married.
Yeah.
That's why you're out here hittin' on me on Valentine's Day.
Oh, yeah.
That's me.
Always looking for that special guy leaning up against a Dumpster.
What, you think you're better than me 'cause you're comin' out of some martini bar? You women are all the same.
"Get a job.
Get off my sister.
Stop dealin' out of my house.
" Would you-- Would you like to meet someone? It's gettin' pretty cold, huh? Yeah.
Hey.
We are gonna get out of here, right? Well, yeah, I mean, someone will come by.
We'll be OK.
Yeah, they'll find us.
Yeah.
Probably be a big rescue.
Hey, maybe they'll make a movie about us, like those Pennsylvania miner guys.
OK, they had to drill through to pull those guys out.
They can get us out with a key.
You know, when I was in the National Guard, they told us that to prevent hypothermia you should get as close as you can to other people, you know? For body heat.
You mean hold each other? Well, yeah.
You know I mean, if we want to live.
Sorry I got us in this whole mess.
Ah it's my fault, too.
I want you to know if anything happens you're my best friend.
Hmm same here.
You know, it's weird.
I'm not even scared.
It's like I feel safe with you.
Thanks.
What do you--what do you think that's about? I think they're talking to each other.
Hey, you know, when we picked them up, I saw on their tags that one's a girl and one's a boy.
You think they're a couple? Yeah.
And in separate cages on Valentine's Day.
That's sad.
Let's see what we have here.
Girl's name is Chloe.
And he is Milk Dud.
Well, friend, get ready to change your name to Milk Stud.
Look at that.
She's going into his cage.
Chloe, you dirty little girl.
Whoa, they like it rough.
Wait.
Are they fighting? Get her out of there! Get her out of there! Something's going on in this truck.
It sounds like a penguin fight.
Let's call for help.