The Middle s05e15 Episode Script

A hard day's work-- it's the cornerstone of the American dream.
Why do we do it? To keep us in our lavish lifestyles.
Damn it.
We're out of crackers.
Tough day at the office? Yeah.
I got bad news from Corporate.
They're making me take a paid vacation.
They say it's mandatory-- some sort of insurance issue.
Oh, no.
A paid vacation? Do you want to tell the kids or should I? That's not funny.
What am I gonna do? It's not like I can go anywhere.
You don't have to go anywhere.
You know, I heard that, these days, celebrities are taking what they call a staycation.
Pbht.
Yeah.
I bet wherever they're staying is a hell of a lot nicer than this place.
I'm sorry.
Look, I-I-I just don't like being forced to relax against my will.
You know what? You're a weirdo.
You're always talking about how Brick's a weirdo, but you're a weirdo, and that's where he gets it.
- No offense, Brick.
- None taken.
Whoop! Oh! So, I was at the Frugal Hoosier today.
I saw a kid that looked exactly like Axl.
I'm not kidding.
He was a dead ringer.
I almost went over and kissed him.
Easy, Frankie.
You'll see him after spring break.
Why does he have to go to Florida? What does Florida have that we don't? Beaches, young people, hope.
I just miss him, Mike.
I want to talk to him.
So call him.
He's still up at school for a couple days.
Mm.
If I call him, he'll be all, "Oh, this is Axl.
Leave a message after the beep.
" He does that sometimes, and I know it's not the machine.
I love spring break so much! Some of my co-workers at the potato place are going on trips with their families, so I get to work double shifts the whole vacation! Don't rub it in.
Oh! I'm gonna go tape up my new schedule.
You know what? Both you guys are weird.
Am I the only normal American that hates their job? So, after fixing the cabinet door and organizing his box of wire, Mike started to settle into the idea of vacation.
Look at you, Mr.
"I'm not gonna enjoy my vacation.
" So, what's on the docket for day number 1? Uh, well, I think I'll finally re-watch the Colts Super Bowl, catch up on a little local news, then I might take a nap while my lady brings home the bacon.
Hm.
Seriously, can you bring home some bacon? I want to make a sandwich later.
Hi, dad.
So, I was thinking, since we're both on vacation, that it'd be a good time for you to redeem all your coupons.
What coupons? All those coupons I made for you over the years.
You know, for Father's Day, your birthday, and whatnot.
Oh.
Wow.
Brick, uh those were great, but I'm-- I don't even know where they are.
You don't know where they are? No.
Uh, they're You know, uh, obviously very special to me.
I bet your mom put them somewhere.
Well, where do you think she put them? I don't know, but they're definitely not between me and the TV.
There you go.
Okay, that's 22 cents in the Disney World jar and 22 cents in the new-car jar.
I can't believe I have a job where I get paid minimum wage and tips.
Whatcha working on? I'm banging out a scathing review of my cardio barre class on Yelp.
I used to have this awesome teacher named Dan who totally rocked.
I mean, he really pushed me.
I just wanted to please him.
Then they replaced him with Colleen, and I am sorry-- Colleen just does not get me going like Dan.
Wait.
Does Yelp have reviews for all kinds of stuff? Would they have a review for, like Spudsy's? - Probs.
Let's check it out.
- Ooh! "Yummy potatoes.
Best potato place in town.
Totally delish.
" Aah! "I was there Tuesday night, and the girl who served me was super-slow.
By the time I got my potato, it was cold.
EpicPotatoFail.
" Wait.
I was working Tuesday night.
Well, I'm sure it wasn't you.
No, it had to be.
I was the only counter girl.
Brittany had the stomach flu, so they made her go in the back and whip the sour cream.
"F" to the "Y" to the "I"-- this is so not a big deal.
Uh, it is a huge deal, Brad.
MallRat37 thought my service was slow, and now it's all over the internet.
Everyone in the world is gonna read this! You know what? Maybe this was just the wake-up call I needed.
I used to study my Spudsy manual every night before bed, and now I just write in my diary or wish on stars if it's a clear night and go straight to sleep.
Starting now, I am gonna rededicate myself to my work.
Oh.
Look at you.
Still in your sweats, playing cards, drinking beer.
- Is that a chilled mug? - Yep.
I got to tell you, you were right about this whole vacation thing.
See? I knew this would be good for you.
This is why you have to listen to me.
You know, sometimes-- Frankie, I said you were right.
You know, I must be going through some serious Axl withdrawal-- that or he has a twin, 'cause I thought I saw him again, on the drive home.
Really? I don't even see the kids when they're here.
Yeah, it's pretty bad, Mike.
Last night, I went in his room and smelled his pillow.
That doesn't sound like a great idea.
Mm.
It was pretty rank.
Is that the mail? Yeah.
Nothing but bills.
And we accidentally got some of the Donahues' mail.
You've been here all day.
Why didn't you take it over there? My wife told me to relax.
Good news.
I found the coupons.
Uh, really? Yeah.
There was a bunch of them in the basement, some were in the garage, a couple were crumpled underneath your bed, and I found this one for Father's Day tangled up in the cords behind the TV.
Oh, good.
You found all my special places.
Well, we've got a ton of coupons to get through.
I don't know which one you want to start with.
We might want to knock this one out for 100 hugs.
Oh.
All right.
One, two - three, four - You know - that's a lot of hugging at once.
- five - maybe we could spread them out a little bit.
- six No problem.
What's your pleasure? We've got, uh Ooh, breakfast in bed, a scalp massage car wash, mowing the lawn, bring you your pipe and slippers.
Ooh! Here's one for two minutes of tickle time.
Hmm.
Uh Not that this isn't a lot fun buddy, but, uh, I was kind of in the middle of a card game.
Can I play? Well, it's called solitaire, so Oh.
Hold the phone.
You are in luck.
I happen to have a coupon for an afternoon of go fish with yours truly.
Eh-- mm.
All right, uh, do you have any 9s? Any 9s? You're next.
Ohh! That's easy! - Yahtzee! - Whoo! Yeah! Do you have any kings? Yes, I do.
Okay.
That's it, then.
Oh, look.
Your mom's home.
Axl is over at the Donahues'.
- What? - Yeah.
He's over there playing Yahtzee with the whole family.
I knew that was him I saw roaming around town.
I can't believe he's been here for two days and he didn't come home.
That lying, sneaky little jerk.
Did you tell him that? No, I was hiding in the bushes outside the window.
Ooh! I am so mad, I can't even see straight.
Surprise! I'm home! Are you, Axl? Are you home? So you just drove home straight from college? Well, I, you know, made a few stops.
Oh, did you? Did you stop at the Donahues' for two days? Yeah, that's right, Axl.
I saw you.
I saw you at the Frugal Hoosier.
I wanted to kiss you, but I should've punched you.
Whoa! Take it easy.
What's the big deal? Yeah, I decided to come home for a few days, but then I ran into Sean, and we ended up playing Xbox till like 4:00 in the morning.
Then, in the morning, Mrs.
Donahue was making these awesome blueberry pancakes, so I hung around for breakfast.
And then we shot some hoops, so I stayed for dinner.
And, I mean, I was totally gonna come home after that, but it was family game night.
I didn't want to hurt Mrs.
Donahue's feelings.
What about my feelings? Did it ever occur to you to play family games with me? Why would I do that? Because I'm your family! Why are you so mad? I wasn't even supposed to come home.
I was gonna go straight from school to Florida, but I thought it'd be cool to surprise you.
And I would've been surprised if you'd come to our house instead of the neighbors'.
See? This is why I don't do anything nice.
You didn't do anything nice! Maybe I should give mom one of these hugs.
Probably not the right time.
You don't care if I'm hanging at college, so why do you care if I'm hanging at the Donahues'? I don't get why you're so mad.
You know what, Axl? I'm-- I'm not mad.
I'm hurt.
I'm hurt that you would come all the way home and not want to spend time with your own family.
Why?! I'm not even supposed to be here! This is, like, bonus Axl time.
You should be thanking me.
Thank you, Axl.
Thank you so much.
Pbht.
Hey.
Okay.
That's good.
Thanks for that.
But the scalp-massage coupon is for 30 minutes.
Uh, uh maybe we could take the rest on credit.
I'd really like to knock this out today.
Mm.
Okay, now MallRat37 is saying my service was too fast.
"The girl who served me seemed rushed.
She put my potato together as if she had somewhere more important to be.
On top of that, she was completely impersonal.
She barely even made eye contact.
" If you don't mind, Sue, dad's trying to watch a game.
I guess I just got to try harder.
I mean, after all, the customer is always right.
Even if they completely contradict themselves.
So, Axl spent a grand total of 27 hours at home-- most of it sleeping-- but it was all worth it when he came in and said Lates! I'm heading to Florida! Wait.
- So you're leaving now? - Yep.
Driving straight through 'cause everyone's gonna meet in time to hit the beach tomorrow.
Next time you see me, my flesh will be burnt to a crisp.
So you're just gonna drive all night, then? Yep.
Did you check your car? Did you put new duct tape on the headlight? - Do you have enough gas? - It's covered! So, do you have directions for where you're going? I'm not an idiot.
Huh? Wait-- those are your directions? It's a napkin with a map on it.
It's a map-kin.
Later.
Okay, well, drive safe.
And if you get tired, pull over.
You're coming back Monday, right? Yes! - To this house? - We'll see.
Did someone order breakfast in bed? Whoa.
I didn't know how many eggs you wanted, so I just made all of them.
We're gonna need to go to the store to buy more eggs for tomorrow's breakfast.
- Tomorrow? - Yeah.
You've got six more of these babies.
Ah.
Mmm.
Hey.
This seems like a good time to redeem one of your joke coupons.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Wait.
I-I think you're supposed to say "Knock knock.
" Knock knock.
Hmm.
That doesn't sound right, either.
Let's try a different joke.
A guy walks into a bar I hope it's me.
I will take a classic with no chives.
Coming right up.
And a large orange drink, please-- no ice.
One jumbo orange, hold the ice.
That can't be good.
So what happened? Well, y'all cracked your engine block.
Hmm.
So is that, like, a duct-tape situation? I mean, how much would it cost to fix something like that? Ah, more than the car's worth.
Hmm.
Here's the thing.
Uh this car was a graduation gift from my parents.
Oh, well, why didn't you say so? I can give you the graduation-gift special.
Really? No.
You have a collect call from Axl.
Would you like to accept the charges? Yes.
Hello? Uh Mommy? You are not gonna believe this.
I just got a call from Axl.
He took off for Florida without even checking his oil, and now his car is ruined, he's got no money, no way to get home, and he called me collect 'cause he forgot his phone charger.
Tell me-- based on everything we know about Axl, why wouldn't I believe that? He wants us to come to Chattanooga and pick him up.
I wouldn't recommend walking on these boots for at least half an hour.
That's stupid.
Why would you even think about doing that? Because he's our son and he's on the side of the road.
He's Mr.
Smart Guy.
He got himself into this.
Let him get himself out.
You're right.
He's horrible.
He is disrespectful.
There's no reason anyone should lift a finger to help him.
And now I'm getting in my car to go get him.
Sue, whatever you do, do not look at Yelp.
What? Why? Just trust me-- I'm being a really good friend right now.
Thanks, Brad.
I won't.
N-o-o-o-o-o! So, Mike finally found a way to enjoy his staycation-- by staying a little farther away from Brick.
Whoa.
Whoa, Brick.
Damn it, Brick.
Sorry.
I was trying to finish another coupon.
Enough with the damn coupons.
Nobody cares about the coupons.
Parents only pretend to like them 'cause they don't want their kids to feel bad.
All I'm trying to do is enjoy this vacation that I didn't want to take in the first place.
And I can't even do that 'cause every time I turn around, you're polishing my boots or singing me to sleep or trying to kill me with a lawn mower.
The only coupon I want is unlimited leave-me-alone time.
And if you could read anyone's reaction to anything, you would get that.
Gah! Your mom is wrong.
You're way weirder than I am.
It's locked.
I know.
I haven't decided if I'm gonna let you in yet.
Really? You're gonna drive all the way to Chattanooga and not let me in the car? You drove all the way to Orson and didn't come to our house.
Oh, my God.
You're still mad about that? Yes, but thanks to you, that's been pushed far down the list of the moronic things you've done.
Get in.
Maybe I don't want to get in.
You know, you only focus on the bad things I do.
I'm smart in a lot of ways.
You just never see it.
Whatever.
Have fun in Tennessee.
I'm in Tennessee? Look, I'm, uh sorry I yelled at you about those coupons.
I appreciate you wanting to spend time with me and do all those nice things.
I enjoy spending time with you, too.
Oh.
I don't care about spending time with you.
You don't? I just want to get those coupons off my plate.
I mean, after all, I did give them to you, so those are services I legally have to render.
And frankly, I don't want them hanging over my head.
I don't want to be in some important business meeting someday and get pulled out to give you a scalp massage.
Brick, I was never gonna hold you to those coupons.
If you want to just tear them all up, be my guest.
Really? Yeah.
Far be it from me to interrupt any important business meeting you might be running.
Thanks, dad.
And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you.
It's just I don't want to feel obligated.
I-I think it would be better if we let things happen naturally.
Okay.
Huh.
Look at this.
We did 99 hugs.
We were only one away.
Well, want to knock out number 100 right now? Nah, I'm good.
Me too.
Okay, I know you said not to look at Yelp, Brad, but I did.
Oh, Sue.
I have an advance copy of the yearbook.
Don't look at that, either.
I just don't understand what's going on here.
I mean, this whole thing has gotten totally out of hand.
I got to find out who MallRat37 is.
Oh, God! It could be anybody! Brad, give me your phone! - No! - Why not? Is it because you're MallRat37? Oh, my God! It is you! Sue, stage slap! Nice try, but that is not gonna do it! This ends now! Can I have everybody's attention, please? What is happening to us as a society? What kind of world do we live in where people make nasty comments and don't even have the decency to sign their name? Well, I am here today to say that we are not gonna put up with it anymore.
If people have constructive criticisms, then, please, just say them to my face.
Your potatoes suck.
I said "constructive criticism.
" They taste like they've been microwaved instead of baked.
Okay, that's not true.
They are pre-baked in Kansas.
But my point is-- I feel like the pictures misrepresent the food.
Well, they do have food stylists, but that's just good advertising.
The pop's flat.
That's because it's 90% ice.
Okay, that is a corporate issue.
T-they tell us where to fill it.
I hate the cheap, plastic forks.
We like real silverware.
Well, so did we, but people put them in the trash.
Your potatoes belong in the trash.
You know, my Aunt Ginny said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
" Your aunt's stupid.
She's actually dead.
Why? Did she eat one of your potatoes? Pbhhht.
I don't know how to do this anymore, Axl.
Do what? This.
I mean, you say you want me to treat you like an adult.
You want to do whatever you want, go wherever you want, you don't want me asking you any questions, but you want me to come and pick you up when your car breaks down.
I mean, I'm confused.
Am I your mom? Am I not your mom? I-I-I don't know what you want from me.
You could've left me some chips.
You know, just be honest with me.
And, really, I don't even care what your answer is.
When you were staying with the Donahues, did you think I'd be mad? Did you think I'd be hurt? I don't know.
I guess I wasn't really thinking about you at all.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
W-- Look, it's not like I don't want you to be my mom or that I don't want to see you.
It's just you're kind of in my face a lot.
I mean, when you were my age, didn't you parents bug you? Yeah, but my parents were annoying.
Listen, this is all new territory for me, too, Axl.
Y-you're my first.
I'm kind of flying blind here.
So help me out.
Tell me what you want.
I don't know.
You can ask me less questions.
And when I call home, you can maybe try not to tell me some long story about some kid I was friends with in preschool who started a website.
And you can stare at me less.
Sometimes, I notice you staring at me for no reason.
If I'm staring at you, it's because I think you have the most beautiful eyes and perfect rosy cheeks that you got from your great-grandmother, and I just love you so much.
Oh, come on, mom.
You're making this weird.
Look I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
Honestly, I really didn't mean to.
From now on, I'll try to tell you about more stuff that's going on in my life and try to stay at the neighbors' less when I come home.
But you got to stop worrying about me so much.
Axl, I'm your mom.
I'm never gonna stop worrying about you.
But I'll try to be cooler about it.
And I'll try not to bore you with my long stories on the phone.
But I am gonna stare at you, all right? I just am.
- Ugh.
- Hey.
It's not like I'm going in your room and sniffing your pillow.
Yeah.
Hello? Really? I was so mad when I left, I forgot my purse, and I didn't check the gas gauge.
Got any coupons for picking up a couple idiots in Tennessee?