Bob's Burgers s05e16 Episode Script

I can't believe we're at school on a Saturday.
The Cotton Candy Festival is today at Wonder Wharf! I heard they have unusual and exotic flavors.
Like lasagna.
And chimichurri! Well, you'll never know since you'll all be in detention.
Dad, Tina will give you all the money in her bank account if you take us to Wonder Wharf right now.
Please? By the time we get out of detention, the festival will be over.
Well, you should've thought about that before you got in trouble.
Good kids eat cotton, bad kids eat notton'.
I can't believe you won't go to detention for me.
I already told you, if I could I would, but I can't fit into your clothes, Tammy.
You know I want to.
You want to go to detention for me or you want to wear my clothes? J-Just go.
Mom, I can't believe I got detention.
Don't even worry about it.
You're, like, really pretty.
All day, huh? Oof, this is gonna suck for you, really.
Hey, there's Bob.
Hey, Belcher! You got three kids in detention, huh? Yeah, Jimmy.
I only got one.
I win! Well, I had none in detention yesterday! How many did you have in Don't roll up your window! Roll it back down! Well? Do any of you have anything to say for yourselves after what happened yesterday at school? I have something to say.
I'd like to apologize on behalf of Tammy.
She's a horrible person who caused all of this, and everyone should be released from this hell pit except her.
Thank you.
You're a liar without a hair dryer.
This is your sister's fault! I'm a boy! Not you, Gene.
Tina.
She caused all of this.
If by "caused" you mean "didn't cause," then, yeah, I caused this.
High five.
Sure.
Ow.
Too hard.
From what I remember, this was caused by one thing and one thing only: fashion.
Okay, so this is it.
Day one with my new look.
I can't believe I'm wearing this at school.
I barely recognize you.
Maybe I shouldn't do it.
No, no.
If you want to dazzle, you got to take razzles.
That's a dazzling way to say "risks.
" You take fashion risks with your fashion wrists.
Hi, how are you guys? They're speechless, Tina.
They don't know what to say because they've never seen anything so original.
I think you're right.
Guys, this is going great.
Oh, my God! Tina's wearing the same bracelet as you, Tammy! Tina, you need to take that off right now.
Sparkle jelly bracelets are my thing since yesterday when I bought it.
Yeah.
Tammy, I understand you're disappointed.
I'm a little disappointed, too.
Before I saw it on you, I thought this bracelet was classy.
Take it off.
I would rather die.
Then you will die! Get off my sister! Hey! You guys playing Red Rover? Send Zeke on over! I don't know what to do! The fire department will fix this! Yeah! Foam party! Detention! Saturday! All of you! What?! Admit it, Tina, the only reason you wore that sparkle jelly bracelet was because you wanted to copy me, okay? That's not true.
I wore it because I wanted to make a statement without saying a word.
Mm-Kay, well, I have a statement for you then.
Darn it! Ugh! Why can't I fart when I want to? Where are the kids? They got detention, Teddy.
On the day of the Cotton Candy Festival? That's rough.
Wish I could go, but I can't trust myself.
You think you're gonna get one, maybe two cottons, next thing you know you're getting kicked out of the festival, and they take away your car keys.
Right.
Hi, sweetie.
Can I help you? Hi.
Good afternoon.
My name is Sally.
I hope that you're enjoying your day.
Would you like to buy some magazine subscriptions to help me learn communication skills, help me buy textbooks, and send me on a trip to Turtle Camp in Florida? I'm only 283 points away from my goal.
Turtle Camp? Uh, no, thanks.
We're-we're not interested.
At all.
Aw.
I love turtles.
What do you do at camp? You get in a little canoe with them? Do turtle crafts? You can select up to ten magazines from any of these titles for only $17.
- That sounds like a great deal.
- Fake.
This is fake.
Not real.
I'll take a look! Fake.
Let me see what you got.
Jacuzzi Enthusiast.
Ooh, they got Lotion Monthly.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh.
Aw, Healthy Babies Digest.
Aw Lin, Th-they never send you the magazines.
You will start receiving issues within 30 days.
Uh, hold on one second, Sally.
Quick conversation over here with my wife.
Lin, no.
They have Open-Toe Living.
Linda, it's a scam.
You give them money, and they just take it.
Sally's a scammer? Our Sally? Somebody's scamming her, too.
They put her up to it.
What are we talking about over here? Somebody is scamming Sally.
Bastard! We got to help her.
Or we can just nicely ask her to leave.
No, Bobby.
We lost three kids to detention today.
We're not losing Sally, too.
Sally! What? Nothing, Sally! Nothing.
Uh, no.
Fashion has become toxic here at Wagstaff.
Believe it or not, even I have been the recipient of what some people call a "fashion thrashin'.
" Wha What?! Wh-What? "More like sweater mess"? That night, I was upset.
But instead of lashing out in anger, I turned to the needle.
That's right.
The knitting needle.
I rehabilitated myself with fashion.
That's an emotional-ass story, Mr.
Frond.
Fashion should be a form of expression, not a weapon to tear people down.
That is why I have decided to team you up and pitch you against each other in a fashion contest.
So far, this all makes sense.
Uh, no, thanks.
If you need me, I'll be zoning out pretty hard over here.
And I'm gonna sleep with my eyes open.
Like this.
Fine.
Fine, fine, fine, fine! The winning team will be allowed to leave detention three hours early.
Wait, what? Seriously? We can go to the Cotton Candy Festival! Mr.
Frond, you got yourself a fashion contest.
Welcome to Scared Fabulous! Hey, Tina.
How about a side bet? Winner gets to wear the sparkle jelly bracelet.
Loser has to throw theirs in the trash.
Deal.
We've got a deal like Ally McBeal.
We've got a deal like Steven Spiel berg.
Welcome to Scared Fabulous.
You will divide into teams and face three challenges.
You'll sketch designs, collect materials, and construct outfits on your CPR dummy.
Good news for us, 'cause that dummy looks hot in anything.
Then one of you will walk your design down the runway.
You will have three impartial judges with a keen sense of fashion: Ms.
Schnur, Coach Blevins and Mr.
Branca.
What? The big three? Aren't they all supposed to be in Milan this week? They're the only other faculty members who happen to be in the building today.
I'm on Tammy's team! I want to be on Zeke's team.
Someday we're gonna start our own men's fashion line then live in a van! Yeah! Called Fancy Pants! You're gonna fance the way you pants.
I guarantee it! Fine, then.
The last team will be the Belcher kids.
There are three of you, but I don't really see that as an advantage.
Don't underestimate us.
Our family's motto is, "Maybe we'll get lucky this time.
" I thought it was, "Stop touching that! You're getting it all greasy!" How's the burger, Sally? You like it? It's fine.
Thanks.
So, are you guys gonna buy any magazines? No, Sally, 'cause your life is a lie.
What? Linda.
Sorry, Sally.
Uh, what my wife is trying to say is that there are no magazines.
You're-you're involved in a scam.
Somebody is using you.
But I'm only 283 points away from reaching my goal.
Sally! There are no points! What? There is no goal! But There are no turtles! Oh.
You got to get out! What happened to the turtles? Linda, calm down.
I guess I'm gonna get going.
Uh, okay, yeah, but did you get what we were talking about here? Give me a quick hug! We'll, I'm not supposed Sally.
I got to be on my way, but, uh sorry to, uh sorry to, uh sorry to, uh sorry to bother you.
Bye, Sally.
What a nice girl.
Wait, where's my purse? My purse! Oh, there it is.
There it is.
Everything's okay.
My fries! You ate them, Teddy.
Oh, okay.
Can I get another fry over here please? All right.
I just got off the phone with Principal Spoors' voicemail.
I feel like the message went really well, and I think what we're looking at here is a pilot program that will probably go national.
So, Ms.
Schnur, what is the first challenge? For my challenge, I want each team to design an outfit that I can wear over a three-day holiday weekend.
All right, Schnur, what are we talking here? Martial arts tournament? Canadian pill run? Antiquing? No.
I'm just gonna sit on the couch all weekend and watch a David Schwimmer movie marathon.
Great! Okay, designers, time to make her fab while you rehab.
Ms.
Schnur wants to sit on the couch for three days.
Gene, you were born to design this outfit.
I'm like the Steve Jobs of sitting on the couch for three days.
Tina, you can be our model.
Uh, I don't know.
I'm not very good at walking.
You're getting better.
Just keep your head high, pick your knees up, and make every step a glamorous stomp.
You mean like a horse? Mm yeah.
Clip-clop, girl! I'm in.
All right, designers, you each have five minutes to collect your materials.
Are we going to the fabric store? No! Oh.
For this challenge, you can only use materials from Ms.
Schnur's supply closet.
And your time starts now! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Ugh, you copied my bracelet, Tina, and now you want to take my stapler? Why don't you staple your mouth shut, 'cause your face keeps falling open and dumb words keep coming out.
Mine! No! Oh, there's another one right here.
Welcome to the runway.
As you know in fashion, one day you're in, the next day you're rehabilitated.
And out free in the world eating cotton candy to shove it in your face, the whole thing.
The winner of this challenge will receive immunity in the next round.
Let's start the show! J-Ju's wearing the Couch-fit! For the d For those days you just don't want to get off the couch, now you don't have to.
'Cause you are the couch.
Spin.
Looking good, girl! Ha.
Mmm, mmm, mmm It doesn't matter if she's out on the town or in on the couch, we wanted Ms.
Schnur to look fun and flirty, not gross and dirty.
This is me right now.
And clip-clop.
Clip-clop.
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the Adult Bib.
The pockets are lined with aluminum foil to keep your chicken wings warm.
We got this, Gene.
Tina looks great out there.
Horsey but good.
Ah! Oh, no! My nephew through the years! Oh, nice one, Tina.
Uh, good luck winning after you ruined Ms.
Schnur's family forever.
Uh Now it's time to pick a winner and see who will get immunity and move directly to the final round.
Zeke, Jimmy Jr.
, I found your look incredibly offensive.
I am not a couch.
Tammy, Jocelyn, your flirty outfit would send the wrong message to the Chinese food delivery guy.
His name is Enrique, and he's already very forward with me.
Belcher children, your model fell over and destroyed all my photographs of Nathan.
Ms.
Schnur, it's time to announce your decision.
The winner of this challenge is Come on, Schnur.
Get us to that sweet, sweet cotton candy.
Tammy and Jocelyn.
Yay! We're popular! Yes! Yes! Sparkle jealous, much? Blah, blah, blah much? That's you.
I want cotton candy much! That's me! Kids, welcome to round two.
Coach Blevins, tell the designers about their next challenge.
Uh, I just came in today to pull up these old wrestling mats because they're full of, uh, blood and spit.
Mm-hmm.
Also, I need to throw out these jerseys.
They're from the '60s, and they have high levels of bacteria.
Yeah, but isn't bacteria just a myth? So let's just say the materials for this challenge will be wrestling mats and old jerseys.
Now, tell them what kind of outfit you want.
Well, next Saturday, I have a wrestling meet in the morning, traffic school in the afternoon and salsa dancing at night.
So I guess I need an outfit that's a triple threat: coaching, getting my license back, dancing.
You heard the man.
Let's get started, designers.
Good luck, designer-whiners! We have immunity! That means we don't have to design an outfit this round, and we can never die.
Just the first thing.
The second thing is incorrect.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Can I help you? Did you tell this girl that she was part of a scam? Um, a little bit? Who are you? I'm Trish, and I've been helping girls like Sally get communication skills, textbooks and trips to Florida for the last 16 years.
Oh, okay.
So you're the one behind the whole fake Turtle Camp thing? Fake Turtle Camp thing? Do you know what these girls learn down there? They learn to come out of their shell.
Yup.
Let me tell you a story, huh? Once upon a time, there was a little girl.
And she used to stutter with a lisp, like this.
Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th.
And then she sold magazines and went to Turtle Camp, and everything changed.
Was it you? Yes.
Let's say yes.
These magazines change lives.
Oh, my God, Bobby, it's not a scam.
We had it all wrong.
Uh, yeah.
Still think this is a bunch of crap.
It-it just seems like you're asking girls to sell magazines and then taking the money.
Okay, you know what else a turtle can do? Huh? Do you know? A little turtle, what can it do, hmm? It can snap! Snapping turtles! So do you want to see me snap, hmm? No.
Or do you want to buy some magazines? Calm down.
What are you doing? Okay, okay, take it easy.
Oh, no! Bobby, she's pulling up the counter! Do you want to buy any magazines?! Say yes, Bobby! Say yes! Oh! God, I'm going crazy! Okay, do you have any magazines about cooking? We have Cooking in the Kitchen.
Great.
I'll get my checkbook.
Get your checkbook.
Get it! I'm getting it! Hurry! I can't find it! Okay, the designs are complete.
Let's tear them apart metaphorically.
Coach Blevins will be sporty and spicy in this one-piece, all-day dress shirt.
Mm-hmm.
You'll notice the design is backless, which is perfect for salsa dancing and gettinyour license back.
Come on! Zeke is wearing a traditional Japanese samurai outfit.
'Cause there is nowhere this outfit doesn't fit in and stand out.
Coach Blevins, it's time to announce the winner of this challenge and who will face Tammy and Jocelyn in the final round! Uh, I honestly don't know anything about fashion.
Can we just call it a tie? No, we cannot call it a tie.
It's fashion.
There has to be a winner and a loser.
Pick one! Um, maybe they should just wrestle for it.
That's how I usually settle things in my gym class.
Fine, then.
If that's what it takes for you to pick a winner, then we'll have them wrestle.
Wait.
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Go! Yeah! This is my kind of fashion show! Gene, get over here! I'm gonna get ya! Come on! Come on! I just ironed this outfit! Aah! Oh, hello, Principal Spoors.
We're right in the middle of a fashion show.
I assume you're calling about that? It's-it's a little hard to hear you.
Wh-What were you saying? Stop it! Oh, you you what Scared Fabulous? You hate it.
Okay.
Like, ironically? Hey, Tina! You guys are gonna lose! So bracelet in your facelet is what I'm talking about! You want to go, Tammy? Want to go?! Yeah! I'd like to talk to you more, a little more, about the Oh.
Okay, right.
No more calls on the weekend.
Got it.
Right.
Bye.
So, designers, I just spoke with Principal Spoors, and there have been some new developments.
Scared Fabulous will abruptly end now, and we'll all be returning to class where detention will resume as usual.
What?! What about the finals? And the Cotton Candy Festival! Whoa, Mr.
Frond, hold on.
You're gonna let Principal Spoors just shut down our rehabilitation? It was a mutual decision.
Oh, I get what's going on.
He didn't think you were qualified to run a fashion-based at-risk youth program.
Maybe another teacher will have to do it.
Someone with, say, a knack for fashion.
Uh, I I'm Wagstaff's fashion guy.
I'm a better designer than all of you combined.
I could sew you under the table.
Oh, really? Well, why don't you put your knitting needles where your mouth is? One last challenge all of us against you.
Mr.
Branca judges.
Right, Mr.
Branca? I like clean lines and simple silhouettes.
Ugh.
No.
I don't want to work with Tina.
I won't do it.
Tammy shush.
I'm getting us out of here.
I don't want to work with Tina.
I don't I Stop it! Just shush.
Shush! If you win, we'll tell Principal Spoors that you scared us fabulous, and that you're the best dressed man we've ever seen.
But if we win, we all get to leave early.
I'm a knitter, not a quitter.
Kids, you're on.
All right! Hell yeah! Oh, my God, yeah! Let's do it.
You can take our Saturday morning, but you'll hopefully never take away our mid-to-late Saturday afternoon! Let the ultimate challenge begin.
The fashionista versus the detentionistas.
I can't believe I have to work with Tina.
She smells like failure, and her hair smells like ketchup.
It's not like I want to work with you, either, Tammy.
And you're wrong.
My hair doesn't smell like ketchup.
My skin does.
Oh.
You guys, try to keep it together for one last challenge.
We'll all get out of here, and you can hate each other on the outside.
Let me paint a picture.
I am president in the old country.
The revolution is underway.
The rebels have charged into my palace, dragged me onto the street, and are demanding justice.
I must give a speech.
I want you to design a look that will save my life using a material that I now work with every day in your wonderful country.
Trash.
You have 20 minutes.
Dig! Let's go! Let's go! So what do we owe you? Let's call it $160.
Hmm.
That's not how much magazines cost.
Hey, Bob.
Just wanted to check how many kids you were gonna be picking up from detention.
Still three? Not now, Jimmy.
We're in the middle of something here.
Yeah? What are you talking about? What are you doing? You know what? Just Nah, you-you wouldn't be interested.
Ha! Yeah, you're right.
But, uh, you know, tell me so I can not be interested.
Well, we were just using some of our profits to help Sally here with her textbooks and communication skills and Turtle Camp.
Just some philanthropy.
You know, giving back to the community.
We bought 20 magazine subscriptions, but it's not a big deal.
Nothing you'd be interested in.
I could buy 40.
I don't think you could.
Oh, yeah, I could easily.
I give back like a son of a bitch.
Hey, uh, why don't you guys come over to my place after you're done here? I'll take two of everything.
Whoa! Yes, sir! You got it.
Ha-da doo-Dee.
You should receive your first issues in ten to 12 to 18 weeks, huh? Okay, thanks for your support.
Bye! And I'll send you a postcard from Turtle Camp.
Aw, I hope you do, Sally.
I really hope you do.
Me, too.
I hope I do it, too.
Bye.
Love you, Sally! Okay, thank-thank you.
Today was a good day.
Yeah.
We got screwed, but Jimmy got screwed more.
Yeah.
I found some cucumber.
Maybe we can make a cucumber-bund? Come on, Philip.
It's time to prove yourself to the world.
Let's make something Fronderful! Aah, we're out of peanut butter! Where are we gonna find something that can wrap around a human wrist? Hey.
What if Tina and Tammy each threw away their bracelets? Then we could use them to hold up the lettuce.
Great idea J-Ju! Thanks, Zeke! No way.
My sparkle jelly stays on my wrist until I die, and then probably even after that.
Tina can throw hers away.
Why don't we throw Tammy away? Come on, girls! Work together for God's sake! Guys, we're gonna lose! We're supposed to be at the Cotton Candy Festival right now, and instead we're standing in a freaking Dumpster! They're just stupid sparkle jelly bracelets! They're not stupid! They're made of rubber, and they have a little charm on them, and they define who you are.
Oh, my God, they are stupid.
I don't need this sparkle jelly to dazzle.
I dazzle on my own.
We all do.
Except for Tammy.
How sure are we that this is peanut butter? 'Cause it's starting to burn.
Sorry to interrupt.
Go on with what you were saying.
Tammy, these bracelets are what got us in here.
Let's use them to get us out of here.
I'm throwing mine away.
Thanks, T.
Tammy, now you throw away your bracelet.
We need it to hold up the other arm.
What do you say, Tammy? Let the fashion show begin! This is my design.
It is a slim-fitted European-style suit.
Apparently, Hildy the lunch lady cuts her hair in the parking lot, which I have used to make a fur lapel.
This is our fresh new design made of not-so-fresh lettuce.
It's a tailored suit, perfect for a summertime wedding, or a summertime revolution.
Mmm! Designers, I am impressed.
Both teams did an excellent job making my trash suit.
Mr.
Frond, your outfit had class and sass.
Kids, the tailored fit around the wrists of my lettuce suit was impeccable! We can easily change it to peccable if you prefer.
But there was a clear winner.
The kids! What?! Mr.
Branca, there must be some mistake.
Wait.
Did Tina and Tammy give up their bracelets to secure your sleeves? Did you collaborate on fashion and build a bridge to friendship and understanding? We sure did, Mr.
Frond.
Let it go, Tammy! No! Never! Never! Never! I'll take your arm off with it if I have to! Maybe I did rehabilitate you kids after all.
Yeah, maybe.
Ah! I missed you, outside world! What year is it?! To the candy! It's made of cotton! Oh, my God.
It's Principal Spoors.
All the kids are gone.
Oh, my God.
Fire! Fire! Don't you love cotton candy? It's made of cotton and also candy If your fingers get sticky Eat off your hand, lickety-licky Don't you love cotton candy? Ah, don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you love cotton candy? Oh, yeah.