Roseanne s05e16 Episode Script
Wait Till Your Father Gets Home
Here, read this.
What is it, a Valentine, Or are they gonna hold you back a year? When I was 5, you signed a contract Saying as soon as I was 12, I could do whatever I wanted.
My birthday's on Monday.
Oh, this is so cute.
I didn't even know you saved this.
I've been waiting.
Well, it's all here, D.
J.
, so I guess starting Monday, You're free.
It's been great being your mom.
Yes! Oh, oh, oh, wait, D.
J.
Well, you forgot to get this notarized.
I'm sorry.
Go clean the chimney.
I'm sick of this family.
Line forms to the rear.
I'm gonna be 12.
I don't want anymore babysitters.
Becky and Darlene were allowed to stay alone When they were my age.
Well, that's because girls mature faster than boys.
So when do boys get mature? We'll let you know as soon as your dad gets there.
I heard that.
And I choose to respond thusly Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Mom lied to me.
Well, you're lucky, Deej.
There are kids in China whose mothers Have no lies to give them.
Mom says boys aren't as mature as girls.
Damn it, Roseanne, the boy keeps hearing All this negative stuff about men and it's just not true.
He's every bit as mature as the girls ever were.
Well, your son wants to stay home all by himself.
[phone rings.]
no way! He's a boy! I'm gonna get a lawyer.
Kids can divorce their parents for stuff like this.
Oh, yeah? Well, you know that little boy that divorced his parents? You know what he's doing now? Every night he goes out cruising the bars Looking for new parents.
And I can't tell you the kind of garbage that's out there.
D.
J.
, run upstairs for a minute.
I'm not done talking about this.
Go upstairs.
I'm not finished! What's going on? It's Joan.
She's calling about your dad.
What happened? You never listen to me! D.
J.
, get upstairs now! He died, honey.
[theme.]
[laughing.]
You doing okay? No, not really.
Yeah, i'm here.
It's Harris, Al Harris.
He's my dad.
Look, I just got through telling this whole thing To somebody else.
Well, all I want to know is if his flight's coming in on time.
No, not coach.
Try baggage.
Ask him about his frequent flyer miles.
He was a salesman.
[Jackie.]
that would have been very important to him.
Jackie, can't you go and get drunk or something? [Roseanne.]
yeah, i'm here.
Listen, this is gonna sound kinda weird and everything, But is he gonna be coming down that conveyor belt With everybody's baggage? No, no, the mortuary picks him up.
Oh, that's good, 'cause I didn't think We could fit him in our truck.
Well, i'm sorry you don't think that's funny! Hey, i'm saving my best jokes for the funeral.
That's it, i'm not making any more calls.
You do the rest of the family list.
I can't call people, Roseanne.
Jackie, dial.
We're supposed to be in mourning.
Well, then wear a veil over your face while you do it.
I can't--Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie.
Jackie! I'm fine.
Fine! I'm fine! I have some bad news.
Dad is not with us anymore.
I said dad has passed away! He's passed away! Dad is gone! Dad's dead! [Jackie.]
he's dead! No, dead! Dead! He's fine.
He sends his love.
Bye.
I am not doing that again! You can't make me! Hello, girls.
Where have you been? Hi, mom.
Everybody doing okay? Yeah, we're doing fine.
How are you doing? Well, i'm not sure.
You dream about this moment, and then it happens, Then it's just not the same.
Jackie, honey, you look exhausted.
Well, I had to talk to Auntie Barbara.
I think we should all have some tea And then pour large amounts of brandy into it.
Darlene, will you put on some water And then bring the brandy down from your room? Very funny.
Don't you think if I had brandy in my room, I'd spend more time at home? So, did Joan have more details, Or was she rushing out to break up another marriage? He was on the road and he had a heart attack.
And if there's anymore, she'll Tell us at the funeral.
At the funeral? She wants to be there.
We can't stop her.
Perhaps she and I can draw straws Over who gets to throw themself on the coffin.
Well, if she gets out of line, We'll drag her behind the chapel And we'll beat the crap out of her.
Mom, are we out of tea bags? Yeah, I think I put 'em in the cupboard.
You know, For such a rotten kid, you're sure being a big help.
I think I put away most of the grief buffet.
It's so bizarre how people bring over All this food when someone dies.
Yeah, like it's gonna make you feel any better.
Hey, chocolate cake! When did that get here? Well, everything's all crazy around here, And we haven't even had a chance to talk or anything.
Are you okay? Well, I feel bad that I don't feel bad enough.
I mean, I haven't seen him in a while.
I don't know, it's weird.
Well, you don't gotta feel nothing but what you feel.
I just feel like I should cry.
I haven't cried yet.
That's okay.
Got cramps, though.
Well, I think he would have liked that.
Grandma, i'm really sorry grandpa died.
I'm gonna miss him.
That's sweet, dear.
Your grandfather loved you, too.
And he's gonna look very smart in this tie.
This is for grandpa? Absolutely.
You're wearing the very tie that will be buried With your grandfather tomorrow.
Get it off me! Get it off! Darlene, would you let me-- no.
Hey, mom, wouldn't it just be easier If you peeled your face off and chase 'em around the block? Roseanne, I have to tie this straight.
You can't trust those funeral people.
They'll just throw the tie on him.
It has to be right! His tie will be perfect, mother.
I'll make sure of it myself.
The man will not be buried under six feet of rocks, Dirt, and crap until his tie's perfect! Did you find the picture of dad yet? I can't decide.
Well, you gotta hurry, Jackie, 'cause the mortician needs to see it So he can figure out what dad's supposed to look like.
How 'bout that one? That's his navy picture from 1944.
Well, he looks so handsome! Yeah, well, I think they're gonna have a little bit of trouble Trying to sew his hand to his forehead.
I can't take this anymore.
My stomach hurts.
Okay, well, you don't have to take it anymore, 'cause you could just be the designated basket case this time, okay? Okay.
I love you, Roseanne.
I love you, too, weirdo.
Come on, we gotta hurry now, 'cause I wanna be back here by 3:00.
How come? Well, 'cause Joan is getting in early, And I want to invite her over to the house.
[snickers.]
well, jeez, Roseanne, Don't you think that's a little odd, Inviting dad's other woman over to your house? Well, hey, like it or not, She's been part of his life for 22 years.
Just seems like the thing to do now.
Well, fine.
That's--that's great.
What, Jackie? Well, if you're so comfortable With this woman in your house, it might have been nice To invite them over when dad was alive.
Yeah, but then dad would have came with her.
This way, i'm pretty sure he ain't gonna show.
I'm just saying that I-- I didn't get to see my father For the last two years of his life because of you, And now here you are playing hostess to his mistress.
You're not gonna blame me for you not seeing dad.
You made him so unwelcome here, he never would have come visit.
Just 'cause you hated him, Then the whole rest of the family had to hate him, too.
You are so wrong! You are so selfish.
Oh, oh, i'm selfish.
Right.
Have you noticed who's been doing All the planning for this funeral? Did you notice at all that it wasn't you? That's 'cause you don't care, So it's no problem for you to handle everything I loved him.
Well, when did you love him more, Jackie? When he'd come home and beat us with a belt, Or when he didn't come home at all? That was a long time ago, Roseanne.
You don't know what was going on in his mind The last years of his life.
You didn't even give him a chance to say he was sorry.
Well, you love him so much, i'll tell you what.
You go down to that funeral home And you make the rest of the arrangements, okay? I'm selfish, and I don't care, So I wash my hands of the whole damn thing.
All right, fine, I will make the rest of the arrangements.
You're calling Auntie Barbara with directions To the cemetery, right, Roseanne? Roseanne? [Dan.]
come on, jacks, i'm here for ya.
Well, why do I have to pick out a casket now when my dad just died? It kinda happens that way, Jackie.
Hello, i'm Frank Denvers.
You--you must be Roseanne.
No, I am Jackie.
I'm Roseanne's sister.
I am going to make the arrangements.
How was that? Dan Connor.
Nice to meet ya.
Look, we're not very good at this sort of thing, So could we just sit down and get through it as quickly as possible? Oh, certainly.
I wanna make this as easy on you as possible.
Would you like to see the body? Oh, god.
I think that's a big "no" on that one.
Thank you very much.
I understand.
He called dad "the body.
" Jackie, you want me to do this? No, I-- I said I was gonna make the arrangements, So let's start arranging.
All right.
Well, first off, we should probably pick out the casket.
They're all nice.
Very nice.
I like the white one.
That is a lovely choice.
Roseanne would never pick white.
She says it gets dirty too fast.
I don't think that really applies here, Jackie.
She'd want the black.
I'll take the white.
White it is.
And I would like one of those satin pillows, too.
She'd hate that.
Maybe we should ask what this costs, Jackie.
Well, since your mother and father Already bought their adjoining plots, It shouldn't be that expensive.
How much is "not expensive"? Well, let's see, the white Rose The white Rose $3,000.
I guess that's a lot.
That's a lot, isn't it, Dan? Yes, that is a lot.
Maybe I should look at some others.
Oh, of course.
But you should realize that they are of lesser quality.
So, what you're saying is that if she really loved him, She'd get the white Rose, And if she doesn't, She'd get something with a twist tie And the word "hefty" on the side.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
If cost is a consideration, i'm sure that we can find Something that you can be comfortable with.
Before we go on, I just want you to know That i'm feeling very irrational right now.
I'm likely to buy anything that you show me.
I'm also very likely to take out a gun And blow your head off if I think you're Taking advantage of me.
So I would play me very carefully.
Atta girl.
Roseanne? Hi, Joan.
I'm glad you could come down.
Well, thanks for asking me out.
I understand about not coming to the house.
Yeah, well, it looks pretty much like this place.
Let me order a beer or something.
Could I get you a second? Well, you could if you would have gotten here an hour ago.
I'll have what she's having.
Wow, this is so weird, Sitting here, drinking a beer with my dead father's mistress.
It's funny.
I'm not a mistress in Kansas City.
I'm only a mistress in Lanford.
Oh, no, no, no.
In Lanford, you're something else.
Really, I don't think you asked me here to insult me.
No, I didn't and i'm sorry.
Uh Listen, what I did ask you here for is 'cause I wanna ask you some stuff about my dad, you know? You're kinda the only person that's really been with him For the last couple of years.
I just wanted to know if there's any time Where he said anything about any mistakes he might have made, Or, uh, any regrets maybe that he had.
Yeah, he really regretted what happened Between him and you girls.
Oh, he really said that? Come on, Roseanne, you must have known how unhappy he was.
I just thought he didn't give a damn.
Didn't give a damn? He prided himself on what a devoted father he was.
You've gotta be kiddin' me.
He always said you girls never appreciated What he did for you because he spoiled you so much.
Well, if he meant "spoiled" as in "wrecked" Roseanne, I know you're upset with your father For having an affair.
So you think this is about the affair? You don't know nothing.
You don't know nothing about my childhood.
I could tell you stuff about my dad That you couldn't even handle.
Look, we shouldn't be doing this.
In spite of everything, your dad did die Knowing you loved him.
I gotta go.
Hello.
I guess i'm a little early.
I'm Beverly harris.
I know.
You must be Joan.
Yes.
We finally meet.
What a shame we don't have some sort of flavored coffee To celebrate this moment in our lives.
I understand how you feel about me.
Do you? Well, I think i'd better go inside.
[Beverly.]
not yet.
I've waited a long time for this moment, And you will not rob me of it.
All right, go ahead.
I think you should be shot! I long for the days when we could brand Someone like you with a scarlet letter, Leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast.
And if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee.
Now, that being said, I would like to sell you My burial plot.
Are you serious? You love him so much, You spend eternity next to the man.
Mom? Hello, dear.
We're chatting.
Go away.
Mom, do I have to remind you We can only afford one coffin today? Ms.
Harris, if I could just have one moment.
Before we close the casket, i'm gonna need someone to identify the body.
I'll do it.
Okay, I think that's fair, 'cause I got to pick the pillow and everything.
Rosie, you want me to go in there? No, I wanna do it.
Right this way, Mrs.
Connor.
Just a quick look and then i'll close it.
Fine.
That's all I need.
Can I have a minute in here by myself? Of course.
Take your time.
[takes deep breath.]
Dad, i'm real sorry that you died Before I got to tell you some stuff.
Okay.
"i'm angry at you for lying to me my whole life.
"i'm angry that I didn't ever know who you really were.
"i'm mad that when I was a kid, you ignored me, "and when you did give me any attention, it was usually violent.
"i'm mad that you left us alone with a crazy mother.
"i'm mad that because of you, I grew up distrustful of men, "and I couldn't even trust my own husband "for the first five years we were married.
"i'm mad at you because you did all the same stuff to Jackie, And because you made us feel like we were never good enough.
" "but now I just need it to end.
"so, dad, i'm forgiving you just because I need "to move on with my life.
And I forgive myself for being so damn angry.
" Thank you for your humor.
I love you.
Good-bye.
What do you want to do now? Um, just sit out here for a while.
You wanna eat another casserole? No.
It's kinda cool sittin' out here anyway, you know, Looking up at the stars, listening to all the quiet.
[sighs.]
you know, it gives you time to think about stuff.
Wanna watch tv? God, yes! What's on? Well, it's 9:30.
Oh, hey, it's time for my favorite show! What? You know, that guy, that Shekie Thomas guy? Did you see the one with the monkeys? Oh, that guy! Yeah! Oh, did you see the episode where he had the woman stalker on? Man, she was scary! No, I missed that one.
What is it, a Valentine, Or are they gonna hold you back a year? When I was 5, you signed a contract Saying as soon as I was 12, I could do whatever I wanted.
My birthday's on Monday.
Oh, this is so cute.
I didn't even know you saved this.
I've been waiting.
Well, it's all here, D.
J.
, so I guess starting Monday, You're free.
It's been great being your mom.
Yes! Oh, oh, oh, wait, D.
J.
Well, you forgot to get this notarized.
I'm sorry.
Go clean the chimney.
I'm sick of this family.
Line forms to the rear.
I'm gonna be 12.
I don't want anymore babysitters.
Becky and Darlene were allowed to stay alone When they were my age.
Well, that's because girls mature faster than boys.
So when do boys get mature? We'll let you know as soon as your dad gets there.
I heard that.
And I choose to respond thusly Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Mom lied to me.
Well, you're lucky, Deej.
There are kids in China whose mothers Have no lies to give them.
Mom says boys aren't as mature as girls.
Damn it, Roseanne, the boy keeps hearing All this negative stuff about men and it's just not true.
He's every bit as mature as the girls ever were.
Well, your son wants to stay home all by himself.
[phone rings.]
no way! He's a boy! I'm gonna get a lawyer.
Kids can divorce their parents for stuff like this.
Oh, yeah? Well, you know that little boy that divorced his parents? You know what he's doing now? Every night he goes out cruising the bars Looking for new parents.
And I can't tell you the kind of garbage that's out there.
D.
J.
, run upstairs for a minute.
I'm not done talking about this.
Go upstairs.
I'm not finished! What's going on? It's Joan.
She's calling about your dad.
What happened? You never listen to me! D.
J.
, get upstairs now! He died, honey.
[theme.]
[laughing.]
You doing okay? No, not really.
Yeah, i'm here.
It's Harris, Al Harris.
He's my dad.
Look, I just got through telling this whole thing To somebody else.
Well, all I want to know is if his flight's coming in on time.
No, not coach.
Try baggage.
Ask him about his frequent flyer miles.
He was a salesman.
[Jackie.]
that would have been very important to him.
Jackie, can't you go and get drunk or something? [Roseanne.]
yeah, i'm here.
Listen, this is gonna sound kinda weird and everything, But is he gonna be coming down that conveyor belt With everybody's baggage? No, no, the mortuary picks him up.
Oh, that's good, 'cause I didn't think We could fit him in our truck.
Well, i'm sorry you don't think that's funny! Hey, i'm saving my best jokes for the funeral.
That's it, i'm not making any more calls.
You do the rest of the family list.
I can't call people, Roseanne.
Jackie, dial.
We're supposed to be in mourning.
Well, then wear a veil over your face while you do it.
I can't--Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie.
Jackie! I'm fine.
Fine! I'm fine! I have some bad news.
Dad is not with us anymore.
I said dad has passed away! He's passed away! Dad is gone! Dad's dead! [Jackie.]
he's dead! No, dead! Dead! He's fine.
He sends his love.
Bye.
I am not doing that again! You can't make me! Hello, girls.
Where have you been? Hi, mom.
Everybody doing okay? Yeah, we're doing fine.
How are you doing? Well, i'm not sure.
You dream about this moment, and then it happens, Then it's just not the same.
Jackie, honey, you look exhausted.
Well, I had to talk to Auntie Barbara.
I think we should all have some tea And then pour large amounts of brandy into it.
Darlene, will you put on some water And then bring the brandy down from your room? Very funny.
Don't you think if I had brandy in my room, I'd spend more time at home? So, did Joan have more details, Or was she rushing out to break up another marriage? He was on the road and he had a heart attack.
And if there's anymore, she'll Tell us at the funeral.
At the funeral? She wants to be there.
We can't stop her.
Perhaps she and I can draw straws Over who gets to throw themself on the coffin.
Well, if she gets out of line, We'll drag her behind the chapel And we'll beat the crap out of her.
Mom, are we out of tea bags? Yeah, I think I put 'em in the cupboard.
You know, For such a rotten kid, you're sure being a big help.
I think I put away most of the grief buffet.
It's so bizarre how people bring over All this food when someone dies.
Yeah, like it's gonna make you feel any better.
Hey, chocolate cake! When did that get here? Well, everything's all crazy around here, And we haven't even had a chance to talk or anything.
Are you okay? Well, I feel bad that I don't feel bad enough.
I mean, I haven't seen him in a while.
I don't know, it's weird.
Well, you don't gotta feel nothing but what you feel.
I just feel like I should cry.
I haven't cried yet.
That's okay.
Got cramps, though.
Well, I think he would have liked that.
Grandma, i'm really sorry grandpa died.
I'm gonna miss him.
That's sweet, dear.
Your grandfather loved you, too.
And he's gonna look very smart in this tie.
This is for grandpa? Absolutely.
You're wearing the very tie that will be buried With your grandfather tomorrow.
Get it off me! Get it off! Darlene, would you let me-- no.
Hey, mom, wouldn't it just be easier If you peeled your face off and chase 'em around the block? Roseanne, I have to tie this straight.
You can't trust those funeral people.
They'll just throw the tie on him.
It has to be right! His tie will be perfect, mother.
I'll make sure of it myself.
The man will not be buried under six feet of rocks, Dirt, and crap until his tie's perfect! Did you find the picture of dad yet? I can't decide.
Well, you gotta hurry, Jackie, 'cause the mortician needs to see it So he can figure out what dad's supposed to look like.
How 'bout that one? That's his navy picture from 1944.
Well, he looks so handsome! Yeah, well, I think they're gonna have a little bit of trouble Trying to sew his hand to his forehead.
I can't take this anymore.
My stomach hurts.
Okay, well, you don't have to take it anymore, 'cause you could just be the designated basket case this time, okay? Okay.
I love you, Roseanne.
I love you, too, weirdo.
Come on, we gotta hurry now, 'cause I wanna be back here by 3:00.
How come? Well, 'cause Joan is getting in early, And I want to invite her over to the house.
[snickers.]
well, jeez, Roseanne, Don't you think that's a little odd, Inviting dad's other woman over to your house? Well, hey, like it or not, She's been part of his life for 22 years.
Just seems like the thing to do now.
Well, fine.
That's--that's great.
What, Jackie? Well, if you're so comfortable With this woman in your house, it might have been nice To invite them over when dad was alive.
Yeah, but then dad would have came with her.
This way, i'm pretty sure he ain't gonna show.
I'm just saying that I-- I didn't get to see my father For the last two years of his life because of you, And now here you are playing hostess to his mistress.
You're not gonna blame me for you not seeing dad.
You made him so unwelcome here, he never would have come visit.
Just 'cause you hated him, Then the whole rest of the family had to hate him, too.
You are so wrong! You are so selfish.
Oh, oh, i'm selfish.
Right.
Have you noticed who's been doing All the planning for this funeral? Did you notice at all that it wasn't you? That's 'cause you don't care, So it's no problem for you to handle everything I loved him.
Well, when did you love him more, Jackie? When he'd come home and beat us with a belt, Or when he didn't come home at all? That was a long time ago, Roseanne.
You don't know what was going on in his mind The last years of his life.
You didn't even give him a chance to say he was sorry.
Well, you love him so much, i'll tell you what.
You go down to that funeral home And you make the rest of the arrangements, okay? I'm selfish, and I don't care, So I wash my hands of the whole damn thing.
All right, fine, I will make the rest of the arrangements.
You're calling Auntie Barbara with directions To the cemetery, right, Roseanne? Roseanne? [Dan.]
come on, jacks, i'm here for ya.
Well, why do I have to pick out a casket now when my dad just died? It kinda happens that way, Jackie.
Hello, i'm Frank Denvers.
You--you must be Roseanne.
No, I am Jackie.
I'm Roseanne's sister.
I am going to make the arrangements.
How was that? Dan Connor.
Nice to meet ya.
Look, we're not very good at this sort of thing, So could we just sit down and get through it as quickly as possible? Oh, certainly.
I wanna make this as easy on you as possible.
Would you like to see the body? Oh, god.
I think that's a big "no" on that one.
Thank you very much.
I understand.
He called dad "the body.
" Jackie, you want me to do this? No, I-- I said I was gonna make the arrangements, So let's start arranging.
All right.
Well, first off, we should probably pick out the casket.
They're all nice.
Very nice.
I like the white one.
That is a lovely choice.
Roseanne would never pick white.
She says it gets dirty too fast.
I don't think that really applies here, Jackie.
She'd want the black.
I'll take the white.
White it is.
And I would like one of those satin pillows, too.
She'd hate that.
Maybe we should ask what this costs, Jackie.
Well, since your mother and father Already bought their adjoining plots, It shouldn't be that expensive.
How much is "not expensive"? Well, let's see, the white Rose The white Rose $3,000.
I guess that's a lot.
That's a lot, isn't it, Dan? Yes, that is a lot.
Maybe I should look at some others.
Oh, of course.
But you should realize that they are of lesser quality.
So, what you're saying is that if she really loved him, She'd get the white Rose, And if she doesn't, She'd get something with a twist tie And the word "hefty" on the side.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
If cost is a consideration, i'm sure that we can find Something that you can be comfortable with.
Before we go on, I just want you to know That i'm feeling very irrational right now.
I'm likely to buy anything that you show me.
I'm also very likely to take out a gun And blow your head off if I think you're Taking advantage of me.
So I would play me very carefully.
Atta girl.
Roseanne? Hi, Joan.
I'm glad you could come down.
Well, thanks for asking me out.
I understand about not coming to the house.
Yeah, well, it looks pretty much like this place.
Let me order a beer or something.
Could I get you a second? Well, you could if you would have gotten here an hour ago.
I'll have what she's having.
Wow, this is so weird, Sitting here, drinking a beer with my dead father's mistress.
It's funny.
I'm not a mistress in Kansas City.
I'm only a mistress in Lanford.
Oh, no, no, no.
In Lanford, you're something else.
Really, I don't think you asked me here to insult me.
No, I didn't and i'm sorry.
Uh Listen, what I did ask you here for is 'cause I wanna ask you some stuff about my dad, you know? You're kinda the only person that's really been with him For the last couple of years.
I just wanted to know if there's any time Where he said anything about any mistakes he might have made, Or, uh, any regrets maybe that he had.
Yeah, he really regretted what happened Between him and you girls.
Oh, he really said that? Come on, Roseanne, you must have known how unhappy he was.
I just thought he didn't give a damn.
Didn't give a damn? He prided himself on what a devoted father he was.
You've gotta be kiddin' me.
He always said you girls never appreciated What he did for you because he spoiled you so much.
Well, if he meant "spoiled" as in "wrecked" Roseanne, I know you're upset with your father For having an affair.
So you think this is about the affair? You don't know nothing.
You don't know nothing about my childhood.
I could tell you stuff about my dad That you couldn't even handle.
Look, we shouldn't be doing this.
In spite of everything, your dad did die Knowing you loved him.
I gotta go.
Hello.
I guess i'm a little early.
I'm Beverly harris.
I know.
You must be Joan.
Yes.
We finally meet.
What a shame we don't have some sort of flavored coffee To celebrate this moment in our lives.
I understand how you feel about me.
Do you? Well, I think i'd better go inside.
[Beverly.]
not yet.
I've waited a long time for this moment, And you will not rob me of it.
All right, go ahead.
I think you should be shot! I long for the days when we could brand Someone like you with a scarlet letter, Leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast.
And if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee.
Now, that being said, I would like to sell you My burial plot.
Are you serious? You love him so much, You spend eternity next to the man.
Mom? Hello, dear.
We're chatting.
Go away.
Mom, do I have to remind you We can only afford one coffin today? Ms.
Harris, if I could just have one moment.
Before we close the casket, i'm gonna need someone to identify the body.
I'll do it.
Okay, I think that's fair, 'cause I got to pick the pillow and everything.
Rosie, you want me to go in there? No, I wanna do it.
Right this way, Mrs.
Connor.
Just a quick look and then i'll close it.
Fine.
That's all I need.
Can I have a minute in here by myself? Of course.
Take your time.
[takes deep breath.]
Dad, i'm real sorry that you died Before I got to tell you some stuff.
Okay.
"i'm angry at you for lying to me my whole life.
"i'm angry that I didn't ever know who you really were.
"i'm mad that when I was a kid, you ignored me, "and when you did give me any attention, it was usually violent.
"i'm mad that you left us alone with a crazy mother.
"i'm mad that because of you, I grew up distrustful of men, "and I couldn't even trust my own husband "for the first five years we were married.
"i'm mad at you because you did all the same stuff to Jackie, And because you made us feel like we were never good enough.
" "but now I just need it to end.
"so, dad, i'm forgiving you just because I need "to move on with my life.
And I forgive myself for being so damn angry.
" Thank you for your humor.
I love you.
Good-bye.
What do you want to do now? Um, just sit out here for a while.
You wanna eat another casserole? No.
It's kinda cool sittin' out here anyway, you know, Looking up at the stars, listening to all the quiet.
[sighs.]
you know, it gives you time to think about stuff.
Wanna watch tv? God, yes! What's on? Well, it's 9:30.
Oh, hey, it's time for my favorite show! What? You know, that guy, that Shekie Thomas guy? Did you see the one with the monkeys? Oh, that guy! Yeah! Oh, did you see the episode where he had the woman stalker on? Man, she was scary! No, I missed that one.