Rules of Engagement s05e16 Episode Script

Why are you dressed like that? Aren't you going to work? No, i'm not.
It's jeff day A day for me to stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet Without the constant yammering of my wife Duchess von yammer-steen.
What do you say when I'm not here? What do you want? I called you a duchess.
Yeah, I'm flattered.
I wake up to you.
I go to work with people.
I come home to you.
It's a lot of human contact.
You're gonna be such a great dad.
So why are you all dressed up? For jeff day? No.
I start my new job today.
We talked about it for an hour last night at dinner, While you two were arguing Over the best way to eat spaghetti.
Classic twirl on the spoon.
No, cutting it up is easier.
- If you're six.
- Oh, my god! So what's the new job? Okay, once again I'm running the office for a new website.
They review video games and expose shortcuts.
They just got a bunch of money from a venture capital-- Wrap it up.
You're losing him.
Yeah, well The exciting part is that I'm in on the ground floor.
So if it becomes huge, I'll be on top.
Hey, congratulations.
I heard audrey's gonna be on top when it's huge.
That's terrific.
You know what? I don't need this abuse, not today.
Oh, right, I almost forgot! It's a big day.
Thank you-- Happy jeff day! - Happy jeff day to you too.
- All right.
You know, happy jeff day to us all.
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
Hey, I was just talking to my mom-- Are you eating my leftover pasta? Yeah.
I feel like I owe jeff's twirling system Another chance.
And you know what? I think he's right.
I learn so much from that guy.
Anyway, do you remember that little chapel on the lake Where my parents got married? Is me remembering crucial to the story? No.
Continue.
It's usually booked, like, two years in advance, But my mom just said they had an opening this summer.
Is this that place that rents the jet skis? Yes.
Okay.
I remember now.
So what do you think? I love jet skis.
No, I meant the chapel.
I mean, should we reserve it? what do you think? Well, it's a little sooner than we planned, but I always dreamed of getting married there When I was a little girl.
Oh, well, that didn't work out.
But, honey, you can still get married there as a grown-up.
- Really? - Sure.
Oh, thanks.
It's gonna be so great.
It's gonna be great.
Hey, honey, I'm home.
What's that? You're not? I'm alone? Couch, I believe you know buttocks.
Ah.
Hi.
Good morning, tug.
Hi, barry.
You're that woman from last week.
Yes, audrey bingham.
You, my lady, are most assuredly the bearer Of the good morning's tidings.
Barry, barry.
We're not doing that anymore.
How's it going? Great.
Anyway, I know you guys weren't expecting me this early, But I figured I'd get in and hit the ground running.
So where's my office? - Ah, I know not, my fair-- - dude! I don't know.
Oh.
I have an idea for your office.
I--he's an idiot! Ah Come on, any other day.
- Yes? - Is audrey home? I have exciting news about our wedding.
- No, she started work today.
- Oh, I forgot.
So, um Don't you want to hear the news? I wish I could.
It's jeff day.
Nothing from the outside world is allowed.
But I was just-- Jeff day.
Sorry, I don't make the rules.
timmy.
Oh, dear, mr.
Rhodes, your eye.
I know, right? It's been twitching.
Huh.
Did you get something in it? It might have been jen's perfume.
Oh.
You were standing too close to her When she was spraying it.
No.
I did.
I ran out of deodorant.
All right.
Heading out for my lunch date with annabel.
Nice face.
I think I got something in my eye.
No, not you.
I'm talking to lawrence of a-gay-bia over here.
Hey, can you snag my dry cleaning and, uh, Rinse out those teeth-whitening trays.
Very well.
And think of some fresh insults For me to lob your way.
That a-gay-bia thing You're better than that.
Auf-wiener-sehen.
How do you put up with him? Oh, I have my coping mechanisms.
For example, I have a strong feeling His lunch date is not going to go as planned.
Hmm.
How do you know? Well, I do my best to endure mr.
Dunbar's abuses, But there was an incident the other day Which was the last straw.
Why do you have a toy elephant? Ah, it's not a toy.
It's a birthday gift from my grandmother.
Ah, can I see? - Look, I'm dumbo! - Sir, please, please, sir-- - Whee, whee, whee! - Please be careful with that.
Ha.
It's, uh, not dumbo, I guess.
I struggled to control my outrage.
Then opportunity rang.
Russell dunbar's office.
Oh, hello, crystal.
Well, he just left, but, uh I'm sure he'll understand if you're running a little late.
Okay.
You know--oh! As luck would have it, He's just walked right back in.
Shall I put him on the phone for you? Okay.
I'll do that, then.
crystal! Hey, listen I've been looking forward to having me crystal ball But I kind of have to bail.
Yeah, look, it's tricky.
Mm-hmm.
Turns out, this big thing came up at work.
Heh heh.
Big thing, came up.
You get it.
Well, auf-wiener-sehen.
Dude, that's unbelievable, man.
You are like that evil puppet master from pinocchio.
Stromboli? No, thanks.
I just crushed some pasta.
Hey.
Jeff, I'm glad you called.
Listen, I don't know about this job.
This whole place seems like a frat house.
My desk is still sticky From last night's beer bong tournament.
Aud, please.
I got a real problem here.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Go ahead.
What's that cheese I like? What? I'm making an omelet.
I got the sour cream, the bacon, the sausage.
But there are three different cheeses here.
All right, let me see.
Which one could it be? Not so easy, is it? Ah, nerts! What's the matter, sir? That chick flaked on me.
This keeps happening.
I don't know what's going on.
Oh, perhaps they finally aired your episode Of to catch a predator.
Hoo-hoo.
Very funny.
Hey, where's that new list of insults? Come on.
"i'll be in my office, Tan-dorky chicken.
" Oh! You're tan, you're dorky, And you're chicken-like.
That's pretty good.
You see, a good boss pushes you to be better.
Dear god, it's gotten worse.
I know, right? I-I don't understand what could be causing this.
Well, you know, sometimes these things are stress-related.
Mr.
Rhodes, You are familiar with stress, aren't you? Oh, I got to be honest, tim.
Up until now, I've had it pretty good.
I see.
Well, um, is there anything new In your life that could be causing you undue stress? Jen and I moved up our wedding date.
Aha.
I believe this could be a reaction to that.
But I'm fine with it.
Maybe your eye is your subconscious' way Of telling you you're not.
If my subconscious was pulling a stunt like that, I think I'd know about it.
Ah.
We're still 2 1/4 short.
I'm not sure we're gonna be able to do this.
Hey, what are you guys working on? - Maybe I can help.
- If we raise 1,000 bucks, Tug will eat this whole tub of mayo.
Okay, uh I was hired to be project manager, Which sort of implies I'd have something to do.
Well, there's this project that we've been kicking around, But, uh, it'd be huge if you'd take it on for us.
Yeah, yeah, whatever it is, I'm on it.
Yes, I am looking for a mint-condition, Unopened box of mr.
T cereal.
Yes, I'll hold.
Yes, I'm still here.
Still looking for a box of mr.
T cereal.
Look, I just need one box-- I'm sorry.
Can you hold? What now, jeff? Espn's showing the '94 cup finals.
I can't find my ranger shirt.
I can't help you right now, okay? I'm trying to track down a box of mr.
T breakfast cereal! Well, I pity myself right now too.
hold on for a sec.
Oh, hi, yoli.
- Hola, mr.
Jeff.
What's the cleaning lady doing here? Oh, I forgot.
She switched days this week.
It's jeff day.
She's from el salvador.
They don't celebrate jeff day.
Okay, this is getting weird.
I just got off the phone with annabel, Who swears I was the one that canceled our date.
Huh.
That is weird.
I think someone's messing with me.
Whosoever would mess with you, sir? yeah.
Can't be her boyfriend.
He's in afghanistan.
Sir, if you're not Time magazine's man of the year, I'm canceling my subscription.
Wait a minute, timmy.
You're the one.
Excuse me? You're the one That can help me get to the bottom of this.
Sir Rest assured, I will not sleep Until I find the culprit.
All right, tim.
- I knew I could count on you.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh Culprit found.
Working hard, huh? You want? Okay, more for me.
Hey.
That's my shirt.
Where did you get that? - ÿque? Audrey gave that to you, didn't she? She didn't ask me first.
I need that back.
Miss audrey here? No.
No miss audrey today.
Por favor You give shirt to me.
You do this.
Now you.
Mr.
Jeff, estoy muy incomoda.
Look, that shirt only cost me 12 bucks In 1994 dollars, so Here's 20 You give me 8 back.
No puedo! No puedo! No puedo! How about 5 back? Honey? Honey, we need to talk.
What's up with the sunglasses? We have got a big problem.
I love you, and I want to marry you whenever you want, But right now my subconscious totally disagrees.
It's being a real douche.
What are you talking about? - This, - oh, my god! I know, I know, I know.
Look, it--it's stress.
It started happening When you told me about the jet ski chapel.
But, listen, I can live with this if you can, okay? And I know my looks are what you like most, But I swear to you, I will develop my personality more.
- Adam, calm down.
- No, honey.
I'm gonna start reading things, And I'm--I'm gonna learn current events-- Babe, this doesn't look like stress.
I-it looks like some sort of allergic reaction.
Honey, I wish! The only thing I'm allergic to are pine nuts and bees.
Wait.
You ate my pasta this morning.
Oh, my g-- I said I was sorry, okay? Look, I think we have a bigger issue here! No, you said you were allergic to pine nuts and bees.
My pasta that you ate this morning had pesto on it, And guess what pesto's made with.
Here's a hint.
It's not bees.
Pine nuts.
Oh, that's hysterical.
Timmy's an idiot.
I knew I didn't have a subconscious.
Oh, what a relief.
That was fast, audrey.
You really came through on the mr.
T project.
well, congratulations, guys.
$500 well spent.
- Awesome.
- All right So you see I'm up to a challenge.
- What else can I do? - I don't know.
Take a break.
No.
I don't want to do that, okay? I just took a break for four months.
Oh, gosh, I wish we could do that.
You are doing that.
I know it looks like that, But there's work going on up here.
This is all our process, audrey.
Okay, okay, fine, but while you're doing your process, A lot of stuff is not getting done, all right? Look, unopened letters and messages From potential clients and advertisers All here in this box marked "who cares.
" I could be dealing with all this stuff-- Setting up meetings, getting ad revenue, Helping you guys grow your business.
okay, do that.
What? Yeah, yeah, you do all that stuff, - And we'll just do the website.
- All right.
This is great.
I am your girl.
You guys can count on me.
I'm gonna get started right away.
Oh, excuse me.
Hello? Oh, yoli.
C-calm down.
My cleaning lady's freaking out in spanish.
- Oh! I speak spanish.
- Oh, oh.
Digame.
Mm-hmm.
Si.
What is she saying? She locked herself in the bathroom Because your husband offered her $20 To take her shirt off.
So I'm gonna go And, uh, I'm gonna get started first thing tomorrow morning.
Okay? Early bird and all that.
Ooh! Bap-beep-boop-beep! hey, tanya.
It's russell-- applause.
- Who did you say this is? - Russell Dunbar.
Uh, look, I know we're supposed to meet up And get down Wink.
But here's the sitch.
- What's the sitch? - Um, it's you? Bad news-- Got to cancel.
Good news-- I'm at the airport.
I'm taking virgin to london, And we're flying on A-delta! Wait.
Who is this? Uh, who is this? Russell dunbar.
Uh No, this is, uh, russell dunbar.
Timmy? Nerts! A-click.
Well, it took a lot of charades, But I managed to convince yoli That you're just an idiot.
That seems to translate in any language.
Good stuff, aud.
Thanks.
Now, if you and your amiga will hit the bricks, 'cause, uh There's still 45 minutes left in jeff-- Oh, seriously? When charges are almost filed, jeff day's over.
Oh, here's your shirt.
Hope you enjoy it.
She was pretty upset.
I had to sweeten the pot.
Adios, mrs.
Audrey.
No es meaning no! I just don't get it, tim After all I've done for you.
I think you mean to me.
What, a little good-natured ribbing? Sir, you called a cherished family heirloom dumbo And then shattered it.
yeah, stuff like that! That's fun stuff guys do! excuse me, one moment please.
What? Hello, there, laura.
How are you? - Laura? - Yes, I'm kind of in-- Wait a second.
Payback time.
'ello, 'ello, laura! It's timmy! Listen, I have to break our date today On account of I fancy the chaps.
That's right, I do.
I'm a homosexual, I am.
Here comes me mate ian, and I'm gonna go kiss him.
Cheerio.
bang.
There ya go.
Two can play that game.
Yes, pity.
How shall I ever explain this to my dental hygienist?