Desperate Housewives s05e17 Episode Script

Previously on Before we met, I was married to someone else, but she died.
Edie's quest began.
- What would you and Katherine think about going camping? - It's gonna be fun.
And Dave's plan moved forward.
- This is gonna be fun.
Were you serious about wanting to go back to work? Lynette took a new path.
- Now it's your turn.
Tell Carlos he's fired.
But it was Carlos' boss He just kept telling me he loves her.
- who was terminated.
I just wanted him to stop talking.
Come on, Gaby.
We're gonna be late.
(Mary Alice) Gabrielle Solis hated going to funerals for all sorts of reasons-- Black was not her color (woman crying) Crying depressed her And lilies made her sneeze.
(sneezes) (sighs) Also, Gabrielle despised any event where she was not the center of attention.
Luckily, at this funeral, that would not be a problem.
(lowered voice) Gaby, I was hoping you'd be here.
Everyone is saying that you and Carlos were there, you know, when Maria killed Bradley.
(scoffs) You know, Jody, I really don't think this is the time or place to discuss gory details.
You're absolutely right.
(whispers) Sit next to me at the wake.
(whispers) I want to go home! Well, we just got here.
The funeral hasn't even started.
Yeah, well, I have a feeling most of these vultures didn't come to pay their respects to Brad.
They're just here to pump us for dirt about his murder.
Okay, even so, I can't be seen walking out of here early.
These people are my coworkers.
Were your coworkers.
Bradley fired you.
Remember? Yeah, and Maria killed him eight hours later.
He might not have told anyone, so pipe down.
We don't need people thinking that we put the knife in Maria's hand.
Carlos.
(Carlos) Oh, hi.
Gaby, this is, uh, Owen Johnston, our C.
E.
O.
Oh, hi.
How do you do? - I know it's an awkward time, but I must catch a plane right after the service, and I need to talk to you.
- About what? Bradley called me before he died.
He wanted to discuss your job performance.
Well, what did he say? Well, sadly, by the time I returned the call, he was dead.
Really? But I think I know what he wanted to tell me.
Oh? Based upon the big bonus he fought for Carlos to have, it's fairly obvious he was going to recommend a promotion.
That was my guess, too.
The terrible irony is he didn't realize the job he was recommending would turn out to be his own.
Wait.
So you're offering me Bradley's job as President of the company? I can't think of anyone better suited.
Now, of course, it would be the same compensation package.
Please.
Tell me you'll accept.
He sure will.
(chuckles) The man has a plane to catch.
I'd be honored to step in for Bradley.
Good.
I'm glad we've got that handled.
Now we can focus on the sorrow of this tragic day.
Mm.
(lowered voice) The same compensation package! We're rich! (gasps) (lowered voice) We are at a funeral.
Please be quiet.
Okay.
Yes, Gabrielle Solis hated going to funerals And for god sakes, stop smiling.
Mostly because she couldn't pretend to be sad when she wasn't.
You can find them on any sidewalk in any city people with agendas-- The woman who calls up an old friend because she wants to borrow some cash The man who takes his boss to lunch because he wants the corner office The girl who looks after her uncle because she wants to be in the will Yes, you can see these people almost everywhere.
Doing what they can to keep their agendas hidden.
Hello.
Hello.
I need to look someone up in your archives.
It's a client, and he's, uh, a bit of a smooth talker.
Just want to make sure that he's not giving me the runaround.
Sure.
What's his name? David Dash.
All I've got here are the obituaries.
Anything else will take me a couple of days.
Fine.
Let's start with the obits.
No David That's probably because he's not dead.
Try Lila.
Lila Dash.
Killed three years ago, car crash.
That was his wife.
Give me that one.
Okay.
You want Paige Dash, too? Paige? Yeah, their daughter.
"Paige Dash, 3 years old, daughter of Lila and David.
" It says here she died in the same crash.
(speaks inaudibly) Who are we dishing? I do hope it's not me.
No, we've already covered you.
We've moved on to my daughter, the thief.
Oh, dear.
What happened? I'm missing my small candy dish.
I had it last night when you guys were over for dinner, because I remember Orson admiring it.
Yes, I, uh remember that.
Anyway, Juanita went over before breakfast to invite M.
J.
to her birthday party, and, well, candy plus Juanita.
You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to crack this case.
Well, we don't know that for sure.
I could have misplaced it.
I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere.
Well I'm off.
(tires screech) Andrew, cancel my lunch.
No, everything's fine.
Your stepfather's just misplaced a few things, and I need to find them.
(beep) (Lynette) Hey, Tom.
No, still waiting.
Big surprise.
They're running behind at an ad agency.
(laughs) So did any of those other places call back? Seriously? Six interviews and nothin'? Well, I should probably try and keep my game face on here.
I'll--I'll call you later.
I love you.
Bye.
(beep) Mariana! I had a feeling that you'd be interviewing for this! Hey, Nikki.
(laughs) So I guess Anna should be showing up any minute, too.
No.
You didn't hear? She's pregnant.
Oh, my God.
A kid and she just turned 30? Bye-bye, career.
- Oh, don't start.
I'm gonna be 30 in 2 years.
I feel so old.
Do you wanna know what's even sadder? I just heard that Veronica's looking for work, and she's 39.
In this business? (laughs) After 35, they take you out back and they shoot you in the face.
(laughing) (laughter) Lynette Scavo.
We're ready for you.
Coming.
Do me a favor.
If you hear a gunshot, tell my four kids I love them.
(reggae music playing) Now as you listen to the music, see what pops into your head.
What shapes does it make you see? What colors are you thinking of? Uh, why are the children drawing with crayons? They're supposed to be making clay vases.
Well, I wanted to do something more free.
It's an imagination-building exercise.
Looks like a lot of scribbling to me.
(turns music off) Susan, these parents pay $22,000 a year to send their kids here.
As art teachers, it's our job to give them something adorable to put on their desks to smile at while they write those tuition checks.
I mean, no one's gonna find this meaningless chicken scratch adorable.
Not yours, Mia.
Yours shows real promise.
Jessie, you said that I could plan the lesson today, and I think this is valuable.
I'm just trying to be creative.
Fine.
But you know where I stand.
What's an "evalley-ation," Miss Susan? An evaluation? Well, that is when someone judges your work and gives you a grade on it.
But don't worry.
I'm not doing that today.
No, they're doing it to you.
Who? Miss Jessie and Principal Hobson.
I heard them talking.
Oh, right.
That's not till later this year.
No, it's this week.
I hope you don't get fired.
The lady with the purple sweater argued with Miss Jessie like you did, and she's gone.
The lady with the purple sweater? I never learned her name.
She wasn't here that long.
She was creative, too.
All right, everyone.
Grab some clay.
We're making vases.
Darling, I'm home.
Oh, and I'm famished! What are we having for dinner? How about a confession? Sit down.
Start talking.
What do you want me to say? I want you to explain to me why this insanity is still going on.
When you stole that tape recorder, you said it was a one time thing, an impulsive act of revenge.
It was, at first.
But then (sighs) I know it sounds odd, but it started giving me a thrill.
A thrill? Stealing a ceramic duck gives you a thrill? It's hard to explain.
Well, maybe you'd feel more comfortable talking to a professional.
A psychiatrist? (laughs) Good heavens.
Bree, I'm not crazy.
(chuckles nervously) Look, I'll stop.
I'll--I'll tell everyone I'm sorry and return everything.
You will do no such thing.
From this moment on, you are forbidden from entering any of our friends' homes.
But how are we gonna get these things back? I'll take care of it.
I'm so glad you could make it.
I know I sprung this on you at the last minute.
Oh, actually, I was just gonna watch a DVD and order some takeout, so I'm looking forward to a home-cooked meal.
Oh, well, keep looking, 'cause I don't cook, and Shanghai Panda delivers.
Oh.
Well, that'll be fine.
You know, Susan, I was a little surprised to get your invitation.
Oh, well, you know, I just think that school is such a formal environment, and I thought it would be nice if we could let loose and drink a little wine, get to know each other.
Oh, my gosh.
(cork pops) What? (laughs) - Look at you.
You're like that schoolmarm in the movies who lets down her hair and va-va-va-voom.
(laughs) I've never gotten a va-va-va-voom before.
Thanks.
You look nice, too.
Oh, please.
I didn't even get a chance to change.
My ex was late picking up M.
J.
, which is insane, 'cause he lives right across the street.
Your ex lives across the street? (sighs) He decided to shack up with my best friend.
And people wonder why I'm through with men.
So what are we toasting to? Getting to know each other better.
(clink) Oh, napkins.
I'll drink to that.
(grunts) Oh, hey, Mike.
Come on in.
I went a little crazy at the camping supply store.
Hey, check this out.
I got Katherine her own lantern.
I know she was a little worried about finding the latrine in the middle of the night.
Uh, actually, that's, uh, why I came by.
Katherine sort of bailed.
Bailed? You mean she's not going camping with us? Ah, she's really sorry, but she's gotta get her taxes done.
So Katherine is blowing us off for taxes.
Also, I think she's worried she'd just be a third wheel.
What? Oh, come on.
I mean, this trip is as much about her as it is about us.
Tell her she's gotta come.
First of all, I don't tell Katherine to do anything.
And it'll be better with just us guys.
We can burp and scratch to our heart's content.
Besides, Katherine was never part of the original plan anyway.
No, she wasn't.
All right, I'll, uh, see you Saturday.
Yeah.
(door closes) (slurring) You're not listening to me.
I'm not saying I'm giving up on love.
I'm saying I've already given up.
No.
I-I will not let you.
You are too smart and funny and adorable.
Am I? It's been a long time since I've been complimented like that.
Well, I mean it.
Anyone would be lucky to have you.
You are a catch.
(gasps) Jeez.
How did it get so late? Is there a school policy on showing up to work drunk? (swallows) It's frowned upon.
Oh.
I've had the best time tonight.
Oh, me, too.
You know, I think we should probably keep th between us.
We don't want people talking at work.
- It'll be our little secret.
Ohh.
So You think you might wanna do this again sometime? It's a date.
Va-va-va-voom! S-so what kind of kiss are we talking about? A regular kiss on the mouth that lasted a little longer than I thought it would.
So was it a good, old-fashioned American kiss or are we talking the infinitely superior French variety? Mm (flaps tongue) Okay, I'm probably just blowing this out of proportion.
I mean, she never even said anything about being gay.
Well, that doesn't make any difference.
Right, Lee? Why ask me? Aside from the occasional parade, gay men rarely interact with lesbians in the wild.
Susan, if you're not sure what she meant by it, why don't you just have a talk with her? Oh, that would be way too awkward.
She's my boss.
She's your boss? Let her kiss you again, then sue her.
(laughs) Okay, we're gonna figure this out for you.
Were her eyes open or shut? I don't know.
Well, how many seconds did the kiss last? I don't remember.
Oh, for God sakes.
Was it this mm.
Or was it this (Moans) The second one? Congratulations.
You're now dating a lesbian.
See you at the parade.
(groans softly) Hey, Gaby? (laughs) I'll see ya.
I wanted to ask you something.
Feel free to say no.
Oh, Honey, I'm flattered, but I only did that to help Susan out.
Yeah, this isn't about that.
Um, I wanted to say I heard about Carlos' big promotion.
(chuckles nervously) Congratulations.
Thank you.
I mean, it's sad how it happened, but, you know, when opportunity knocks, you gotta answer the door, right? Absolutely.
Now you know I'm looking for work? Oh, yeah.
How's that going? - Not great.
(chuckles) See, while I was working at Scavo's, I got seven years older, which is weird, seeing as how all the C.
E.
O.
s got seven years younger.
The bottom line is, no one wants to hire someone who could have made out with their dad on prom night.
(chuckles nervously) Anyway, I hear Carlos is looking for a new Director of Marketing.
Think you could put in a good word for me? Oh.
Uh I don't know.
Y-you don't know? Well, I thought you did advertising.
Yes, I helped advertise what companies decided to market.
It's the same thing.
Come on.
You know I'd be great.
I guess.
You guess? Gaby Look, Lynette, you're my friend, and I love you, but as far as knowing if you're any good at your job (inhales sharply) Enough with the shrugging.
Come on.
- You're putting me in a tough spot.
Carlos is under a lot of pressure now, and he's not really in a position To be taking big risks.
- You think I'm a big risk? Well Okay, that's it.
Four shrugs.
I'm out.
Thanks for your help.
Ugh.
(door closes) Yeah, just follow the road as it curves.
We're the second house on the left.
Okay, bye.
(beep) Oh, place looks great, babe.
Thanks for doing this.
It's all part of being the President's wife.
So tell me about your new hire.
She's gonna be your number two? Yeah, and I'm lucky to get her.
Smart as a whip, Harvard M.
B.
A.
I've probably mentioned her before.
Lucy Blackburn? Maybe I'll go put on some music.
Lucy Blackburn? Please tell me it's a coincidence that your new V.
P.
has the same name as your ex-girlfriend.
She wasn't my girlfriend.
We were roommates.
We shared an apartment.
You told me you slept with her.
- Well, it was a small apartment.
Come on.
It was a casual thing, and it was a million years ago.
I don't care! Why couldn't you have told me this before she's about to appear on my doorstep? I wanted to but you were always next to something sharp.
Gaby, I am in over my head with this new job, and I need Lucy's help.
Please don't be jealous.
(scoffs) I'm not jealous.
It's just you can't hire her.
I'm Mrs.
President, and I get a vote.
(doorbell rings) There she is.
Now please, I'm begging you (scoffs) Well, you can beg all you want.
I am not on board with this! (chuckles) Hey, Lucy! Hey! Hi.
I'm Lucy.
You must be Gabrielle.
You can call me Gaby.
(chuckles) Come on in! (whispers) I'm on board.
I got a bead on Charlie Fields for C.
F.
O.
Charlie Fields? There's no way you're gonna get him.
He's the number two guy at Brewster and Parent.
Relax.
It'll take some maneuvering, but I'll make it happen.
- How? Carlos, you're the President.
It's best you don't know where the bodies are buried.
(Carlos laughs) Ah.
(chuckles) (cell phone rings) Well, speak of the devil.
If you'll excuse me, I have some professional ethics that need compromising.
(chuckles) Wow.
Now I know why you wanted to hire her.
She's a force of nature.
- Mm, you should see her close a deal.
I'll bet.
Ahh.
So were you surprised when the door opened? What do you mean? Well, she's obviously stopped counting calories Since the last time you saw her.
No, she looks about the same.
What? But you two used to have sex.
Yeah.
So? So don't get me wrong-- she's attractive.
It's just she's not really your type.
Your type is skinny model.
Okay, so you're not gonna see her on a runway.
Except maybe at an airport.
- Gaby! You think I'm that shallow, that all I go by is looks? Yeah, I thought that was something we had in common.
Look, Lucy is brilliant and witty and has more confidence than anybody I've ever met.
That type of personality can be very seductive.
Ahh! Someone light me a cigar.
- You got him? I find poaching is easier when you lead with, "we'll double your salary.
" (Carlos laughs) Sizzle me.
(hissing) Ah, there it is, that thrill you get from taking something that's not yours.
(laughs) (laughs) Hey, are you still looking for a Marketing Director? I have a friend that I would love to see working with you two.
No problem, Bree.
We buy aspirin by the pound in this house.
I'll get you some.
Ah, you're a lifesaver! Yes, we have lots of screwdrivers.
What kind do you need? Phillips head? Yes, that would be lovely.
I don't have cumin, but I probably have cinnamon.
Oh.
(chuckles) Close enough.
(unzips bag) Yeah, no problem.
Two eggs coming right up.
Oh! Wait.
I made omelets this morning, so I'm all out.
Oh, that's all right.
I'll just go to the store.
Where did that come from? Oh.
I don't know, but it's awfully cute.
Unbelievable.
(scoffs) Juanita, get your butt down here.
Why are you, uh, calling Juanita? To find out what McCluskey's sleeping Mexican is doing in my house.
That's not yours? - No.
Why would you think that? Oh! Uh, I don't know.
But, you know, there it is.
It's been sitting on McCluskey's porch for years.
I keep telling her how racist it is.
First the candy bowl and now this? How many times have I told you not to steal? I didn't take that.
Juanita, you play with it every time we go by Mrs.
McCluskey's.
Now either tell me the truth, or I'm gonna cancel your birthday party.
I am telling you the truth! - That's it.
Party's over! Gaby! Aren't you being a little harsh? I mean, perhaps she didn't take it.
Well, then how else did it get here? Maybe she did it.
Juanita! Whenever my children stole, I sent them to bed without any supper.
Just a thought.
(door closes) Orson? Orson! (strained voice) Orson! Orson! (normal voice) Orson! No! Hi, Bree! - What were you doing at Bob and Lee's? Well, they invited me over for coffee.
After I told you to stay out of the neighbors' houses? (sighs deeply) You stole again, didn't you? No.
No, I didn't.
What are you hiding behind your back? Nothing.
It's mine.
You're telling me you own a mug with a picture of Bernadette Peters in "Gypsy"? This is quite a résumé you got here.
- Oh.
Northwestern, huh? Yep.
Thank you.
So, Lynette - Mm-hmm? How old are you? Um Mr.
Vivinetto, I'm not obligated to answer.
It's the law.
Right, right.
I was only asking 'cause I-I also went to Northwestern, and I thought maybe we crossed paths there.
(chuckles) Oh.
(laughs) What--what year did you graduate? (chuckles) Well, if I was dumb enough to answer that, I never would've gotten into Northwestern.
I-I understand, but, uh, I'm gonna be honest here.
We have certain accounts that cater to a specific demographic.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you.
What is this obsession with age? I am a vital woman with passion and a library of knowledge when it comes to this industry.
Why doesn't at count for something? - What I'm saying is, we just landed the Cosgrove's Revitalizing Serum account.
It's an antiwrinkle cream, and I need someone more mature who can identify with the-- - I'm 54.
He didn't even flinch.
I said I was 54, and he bought it.
There was not a "wow, you look great for your age!" Not even a courtesy gasp.
Look, you got the job.
You're making $80,000 a year.
What--what does it matter? It matters because I'm only 43, and I look like I'm 39.
You're 43? But I'm-- I'm 2 years younger than you, and I-- - Nobody cares how old you are, Tom.
(knock on door) Hey.
Great news! You got the job! - Yeah! How'd you hear about it? Hear about it? Honey, I did it.
I talked to Carlos.
You're in.
Oh.
Wow.
That job.
Um I don't know what to say.
Say, "how do I thank you, greatest friend in the world? What's your birthstone?" (laughs) Well, thank you, greatest friend, but I just accepted another job.
Well, un-accept it.
You have to take this job.
It's essential that you be there.
- Why? Because it's a great opportunity.
I'm confused.
Before, you didn't even want to talk to him.
You weren't even sure I was good.
Yeah.
Yes, and then I went home and thought, what a horrible thing to say to such a dear, dear friend who's probably really, really good at her job.
So I said, "Carlos, you have to hire Lynette.
" I don't know.
Well, he'd have to match my current offer.
Yeah, okay.
What are they paying? $100,000 a year.
I don't think that'll be a problem.
Oh.
By the way, you're gonna be reporting to this woman Lucy.
She's a real star, so you're gonna wanna keep an eye on her.
(footsteps approaching) Decaf soy latte-- your favorite.
Thanks.
I was thinking about the other night - Mm, me, too.
Maybe Friday you could come over to my place, and we could hang out or (groans) You know, I-I think you may have gotten the wrong impression.
I'm not into women.
Mm-hmm.
Nice boots.
(gasps) I thought it was gonna rain.
Okay, um I'm not gay.
Mm-hmm, then what was all that stuff about the other night? The--the touching my knee? The "oh, you look so sexy"? The good night kiss? Oh, we, that kiss was all you.
Oh, it was? (chuckles) I seem to remember you being there and not pulling away.
Well, that's because-- Why didn't you say something then? - Because I-- Cause you're tired of living a lie.
- What? I was you You're obviously worried there's a lesbian inside of you trying to get out.
Actually, I'm more worried about the lesbian that's outside of me trying to get in.
Um, can we just teach the class and talk about this later? Fine.
Shouldn't you be doing your taxes? Oh! God, Dave! (laughs) You scared me.
Oh, sorry about that.
- Oh.
What's this I hear about you not going camping? Oh, well, it is that time of year, and I got all these receipts to go through.
I gotta say, I'm mighty disappointed.
Please.
I'm sure you're relieved there won't be a girl tagging along to spoil all your macho fun.
Well, see, now that's where you're wrong.
I mostly saw this trip As a chance to get to know you better.
Me? Why? Katherine, the truth is, I don't have a lot of friends.
Maybe that's why Mike's become so important to me.
And ever since you came into his life, well, I can see the change.
He's so much happier, so much more relaxed.
You've given him this sort of inner peace.
I just thought it would be cool to become buddies with the woman who did that for my friend.
Well, when you put it that way So you'll go camping with us? I'll go start packing my fleece.
Fantastic.
(chuckles) Dave? Do you really think I've made that much of a difference in Mike's life? Oh, absolutely.
If he ever lost you it would destroy him.
Okay, class, let's see how our animals of Africa drawings are going.
Oh, Emma, this is beautiful.
Emma drew a gazelle.
Isn't she pretty? (gasps) Zachary, is that a rhinoceros? Wow! He looks so big and strong.
I love rhinos.
Do you, Susan? Do you really? Excuse me? I'm just saying, if you were on safari and you saw a sleek gazelle next to a grunting, sweaty rhino Your eye wouldn't go straight to the gazelle? Uh Though I would definitely appreciate the beauty of the gazelle, uh, if I was going to take a trip to Africa I would be more excited to see the rhinos.
I like rhinos, too.
Yes, we know, Jeffrey.
We've all seen you playing hopscotch at recess.
Are you gonna tell me that you've never had any experience with gazelles? Not even in college? No.
And I was on on the softball team.
Look, Susan, why don't you just say it? This particular gazelle isn't young enough for you, and you don't want to hurt my feelings.
That is not true, and I think we are dangerously close to no longer speaking in metaphor.
Well, then why were you so interested in me in the first place? Why did you ask me to your house? Because I wanted you to give me a good evaluation.
I see.
(sighs) (door opens and closes) It was nice knowing you, Miss Susan.
The problem--how to attract high net worth clients in a down economy.
The solution? Be creative.
Christie's is hosting its first ever "sea auction" on a yacht in St.
Barths.
(chuckles) I see a boat full of millionaires waiting to be wooed.
This is not a bad idea.
Besides, I haven't been to St.
Barths since you took me there to celebrate my first promotion.
(cell phone ringing) (laughs) That was a fun weekend.
(Lucy) Yeah.
(sighs) Let's do it.
- Yep.
I gotta take this.
I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Okay.
Not to pry, but when you said Carlos took you to St.
Barths Oh, yeah, we lived together for a while back in the day.
Oh! (chuckles) Gaby didn't mention that.
See, that is what I love about her.
Most women would freak out if their husband hired an ex-girlfriend and they were working together unchaperoned.
But she's got the confidence to just be cool with it.
Yeah.
Yeah, that Gaby's a real class act.
(chuckles) (sets down eraser) Jessie, I-I am so sorry.
Why? You were just being honest.
Still, uh I never meant to lead you on.
Uh-huh.
Well, I was planning on giving you a good evaluation anyway, so everything's fine.
Look, I need this job.
But even if I didn't, I would still like you as a person.
Please, stop.
I don't need your pity.
(chuckles) You know, I don't get why people say that.
I-I love pity.
(chuckles) Pity means someone is trying to understand what you're going through, that they sympathize, and I do.
Susan (sighs) I'm someone who never went out and looked for love.
Assumed it would find me.
But it didn't.
And now I'm making a fool of myself (sighs) throwing myself at straight women, because I'm so afraid of being alone.
Now how can you possibly understand that? Well, here's how.
Um, I (sighs) I've spent my whole life putting myself out there, and, um, I'm still today, alone.
Just like you.
It's not the same.
Well, okay, it's not, because I'm alone but I'm not lonely 'cause I have friends.
Love doesn't happen for everyone.
You know what? I don't even know if it's gonna happen for me anymore.
But my friends are there for me no matter what, and that helps.
So at the very least, you know, let me be there for you as a friend.
That'd be nice.
Do your friends hug? What's that in the garbage can? My boots.
Hey! (chuckles) What are you doing here? I just wanted to see how your first day went.
Sit.
Take a load off.
Spill it.
(chuckles) Oh, that is so thoughtful of you.
You're such a good friend.
- Oh, well, you know me.
Yeah, I do.
(sighs) So did you get a good office? Were the people nice? Oh, what about Lucy? Do you like her? Actually I am kinda tired.
I think I'm going to head inside.
Ooh! What's going on? I mentioned Lucy, and you get all weird.
Is something going on with her and Carlos? What? No.
I'm sure she's just affectionate.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you mean by affectionate? Well, it's probably nothing.
But when Carlos works on his computer at home, does he take his shirt off there, too? That son of a-- I'm gonna kill him! No, you won't get the chance 'cause I'm gonna kill you first.
Huh? The houselights are up, Gaby.
You can drop the act.
You only helped me get this job because you needed a spy.
How dare you! And, yes, I did! Gaby! You needed a job.
I did you a favor.
And then I brought you hot cocoa.
Why don't you ever thank me? - Because you used me! At least when I asked you for a favor, I was up-front.
Oh, were you, Miss "they offered me $100,000 a year"? Oh, you found out about that? Honey, I've played poker with you for the past nine years.
I think I can tell when you're bluffing.
Okay, it's true.
I used you to get more money, but you used me first.
- Fine.
We're a couple of users.
(sighs) The big question is, are we still friends? Do I still get my salary? Will you still be my spy? Dave, I'm curious about something.
What about? Well, how do you feel about kids? Kids? Yeah.
Haven't you ever wanted one? Is this your coy way of telling me you want a child? Maybe.
I hardly get to see Travers anymore Now that he's off at prep school.
And I always wanted a girl.
Doesn't that sound like heaven? A beautiful little girl with blonde curls.
I had this friend who had a little girl.
From the moment she was born, she was his whole life.
Unfortunately, she was in an accident.
.
and died.
He told me that when that happened, a part of him died, too.
He spent the rest of his life in a kind of daze, always wondering exactly how old she would've been, what she would've looked like.
No.
I don't think I'd want a child.
It's just not worth it.
You okay, babe? (whispers) Yeah.
(normal voice) I (sighs) I'm just sad for your friend.
Yeah.
I had hoped that this compulsion to steal was something we could solve privately, but Orson seems unable-- or unwilling-- to control himself.
Is that true, Orson? Are you unable to control yourself? You'll see when he leaves, and your lamp is missing.
So how do you want to proceed? Would you like to begin with some couples counseling? This isn't my problem, Dr.
Bernstein.
He's the sick one.
Fix him.
(door opens and closes) You know why she's so angry? Because this is something she can't control, and I love it.
Now there's no phone in the cabin, but if it's an emergency, you can reach me on my cell.
You just be careful out there.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Bye.
(sighs) Here's the article that lady was looking for.
You want me to fax it? Ah, take your time.
She's a pain in the ass.
She's pretty hot, though.
How does that help me? She can wait until tomorrow.
- All right.
You can find them almost anywhere-- friendly people with hidden agendas-- The woman who uses her neighbor to get herself a job The wife who uses her influence to hire a friendly spy The husband who uses his charm to steal from his friends and you can be sure the friendliest people of all have agendas that won't ever be discovered Not until it's too late.