Family Guy s05e17 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy - Mom, are we there yet? - Almost, Chris.
Now remember, kids, when we get to Mr.
Quagmire's cabin, don't touch anything before I have a chance to disinfect it.
Boy, it was nice of Quagmire to let us use his place.
This'll be much better than that vacation we took with The Price is Right yodeler.
Okay, you can stop here.
There's no way that microwave costs more than 300 bucks.
Stop here! Don't Don't listen to that fat tourist.
She doesn't know how much a microwave costs.
Stop! We should've gone to Plinko like Cleveland.
Oh, Dad, I think this is Mr.
Quagmire's driveway.
Didn't he say it was between two big oak trees? Well, there's a lot of trees around here.
How do we know we're in the right spot? I think it's a safe bet this is the place.
Well, this looks comfortable.
This is gonna be a relaxing weekend.
- Hey, did you hear something? - I think it came from upstairs.
Oh.
Hey.
This is the week you guys were coming up? Huh.
And here I am, cream on my face, hair a mess, and in mid-coitus.
I must look a sight.
- Beautiful country, isn't it, Chris? - God, it is peaceful.
No question, Dad.
Just be careful, 'cause they got a lot of big old wilderness bugs out here.
Oh, hey, y'all best be careful or I'm gonna sting you with my stinger.
Oh, no! But then I's gonna die if I sting you.
You know what? I'm not gonna sting y'all after all.
And that's my choice.
Y'all ain't worth it.
I'm just gonna head on over to that flower and suck on that stamen like there's no tomorrow.
Brian, how many years have I been saying you and I should go berry picking? - A lot of years, Stewie.
- Wait a minute.
Do you know where we are, Brian? This is a very special place.
They say once every 100 years in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist.
- I think that's just a legend.
- Well, that's because you're Look! Donny Most Donny Most He was Ralph on Happy Days Donny Most Donny Most Now he rises From the haze Actually, it's Don Most now.
Donny Most Donny Most Sunday, Monday Happy Days Now, watch carefully, you guys.
Out here in the woods, you got to hang your food up high so the Pope won't get it.
You gotta da hot links? Come on, the Pope-a want-a da hot links.
All right, who's ready for a campfire song, huh? - Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame.
- It's not lame, Meg.
Look, those people over there are having a good time.
She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes She'll be coming round the mountain When she comes When she comes All right, here's a little tune inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.
Well, there once were two cowboys All alone out on the trail And they discovered they could sleep With another male Now they're having butt sex Cowboy butt sex Sodomy Come on, everybody.
Sodomy Sodomy Sodomy.
And when he woke up in the morning, she was still in his bed! - That's it? - Yeah.
And then she wanted to make him eggs! And he said, " Oh, I don't have time, I've got a meeting at 12:30.
" And she said, "I'll drive you there!" And he said, " No, no, it's at my office.
It's like a half-hour commute.
" And she said, " I don't mind, it's on the way to my kid's pre-school.
" Hey, Lois, look at me, I got post-partum depression! I'm sad about stuff! You son of a bitch! Don't even joke about that! - This water feels kind of funny.
- Yeah, and it smells bad.
- Dad, look! - Holy crap! Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake? I think it's a safe bet that that's responsible.
So they can just dump their waste into the lake? This can't be legal.
What kind of world is this where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore? - Hey, you've got a tattoo.
- No, I don't.
- Is that Ziggy? - No.
- You have a Ziggy tattoo? - Jesus.
- Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo? - I just used to think he was kind of funny.
We should We should get to the hospital.
Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs? Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish? Oh, I don't think it's so bad.
I feel rather like Mozart.
Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.
Now play Handel.
- Play Peter Griffin.
- Now that is a challenge.
Go ahead, mock me.
But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me.
It was God! What can I do for you, Mrs.
Griffin? Mayor West, I'm here as an outraged citizen.
The Quahog Oil Refinery is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake.
I mean, you couldn't possibly have sanctioned that kind of blatant industrial pollution, could you? - Yeah, I told them it was fine.
- What? And in return, I get free oil for my hair.
Hey, baby, want some Adam West penis? This is unbelievable! Well, I am not gonna stand by while you let this town be destroyed by corruption! Mr.
Mayor, I promise you this.
Next election, I'm gonna run against you, and I'm gonna win.
All right, Mrs.
Griffin, you wanna take me on, fine.
But if you plan to beat me, you'll have to - What is it? - A bee just flew in through the window.
Don't move.
Hmm.
Now look who's mayor.
First order of business, free honey for everyone! Yay! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Done stung myself.
Bye, world.
- Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons.
The Quahog mayoral race is heating up with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger Lois Griffin.
Which leads many political analysts to ask the question, can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just bleed all over the city? Stay with us.
Oh, you guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your hard work.
It's really gonna make a difference with my campaign.
Hey, Lois, take a look.
I just made 500 T-shirts that say, "Vote for Lois, unless you're queer.
" "No, wait, even if you're queer.
No Jews, though.
Okay, Jews.
" Oh, these are wonderful, sweetie.
Chris, why don't you put these upstairs in your closet so we don't lose them? But the evil monkey lives in my closet.
Of course, he hasn't been as evil since he became a Jehovah's Witness.
Hi, I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog.
- May we count on your vote next Tuesday? - Chris, this is our house.
Ah.
Then what is for dinner? - Pork chops.
- Excellent.
Chris, have you been to any other houses? I have not.
- Would you like to come in? - Please.
This is Tom Tucker with some breaking election coverage.
Mayor Adam West has widened his lead over challenger Lois Griffin.
I'm confident that the people of Quahog will make the right choice.
And here to help me secure the Latino vote is actor Jimmy Smits.
Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil.
That's our guy! Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
It's probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
- Huh? - I'm sorry, Joe, it's just an expression.
Ah.
We got to give Lois a last-minute edge.
Guys, I need you to help out on the campaign.
Oh, man.
That's like making all, like, signs and walking around or what? You know, you bastards got a stake in this, too.
I mean, Lois is my wife, and if she's the mayor, we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want.
I could do cocaine if I wanted to.
- Peter, you want some potatoes? - Yeah, how you doing? - I was just asking if you wanted - We got enough napkins? Yeah, we got enough napkins.
That's enough.
That's enough, right there.
What time is it? Is that Is that straight? Is that straight right there? Wait, wait, wait.
See, I'll fix it.
No, no.
Is that straight? I can't Meg, sweep that up.
Just get a broom.
Sweep that up.
Sweep that up.
Put it up in your room, but sweep it up first! Suspect number two, he's the one who raped me.
All right.
All but number two are free to leave.
Ma'am, I know that you're going through a difficult time right now, but I just have a few more questions.
Are you planning to vote tomorrow? - What? - Are you aware that Lois Griffin has a plan to cut property tax in half over the next three years? What does that have to do with what happened to me? Well, you say number two did it, maybe I say I smell alcohol on your breath.
You can't do that! Sounds like Lois Griffin can count on your vote.
Hi, when you go to vote for Mayor tomorrow, please vote for Lois Griffin.
That's right.
I work at a deli, and I know baloney.
And that's exactly what you'll get with Mayor Adam West.
Oh, snap.
Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've been giving us.
Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
What the hell you talking about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me.
I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days.
My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what'd come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.
Welcome, Quahog, to the town hall mayoral debate between incumbent Adam West and challenger Lois Griffin.
We will now open up the floor to questions from a community at large.
Yes, Mrs.
Griffin, how do you feel about those computer websites that put a blue square on the home of a sex offender? Well, the safety of our children is a very important part of my plan for Quahog.
I have a 12-point program for the security I'm sorry, your time is up.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
I'm not impressed.
I'm not impressed.
Not yet.
Mayor West, if re-elected, would you increase the frequency of garbage pick up? Well, citizen, that's an excellent question and I thank you for it.
I think it's great we live in a town where you can ask questions, because without questions, we'd just have answers.
And an answer without a question is a statement.
Oh, I like him! He looks me in the eye! I'd like to have a beer with him.
I'm voting for him.
I don't understand these people.
He didn't even say anything and they're eating it up.
Lois, undecided voters are the biggest idiots on the planet.
Try giving short, simple answers.
Sir, your question, please.
Mrs.
Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city? A lot.
Because that's what Jesus wants.
9/11 was bad.
- I agree with that! - God, I can't believe how easy this is.
Mrs.
Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? 9/11.
Mrs.
Griffin, what about our traffic problem? - 9 Huh? 11.
Well, the election results are pouring in and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one.
Which reminds me, Diane, when's the last time you heard Forget it.
Oh, my God, I'm an absolute wreck.
Well, folks, this is it.
The last of the votes have been tallied, and we're getting the final results in now.
Quahog's new mayor is Lois Griffin! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! Oh.
Were we done cheering? - Well, Mrs.
Mayor, how do you feel? - Oh, I'm a little nervous, Brian, but mostly I'm excited about all the good I'm gonna get to do.
Wow, look at you.
All that power and you've still got that body.
And the first thing I'm gonna do as mayor is clean up Lake Quahog.
Well, I know the people will support you, Lois, because you connect with them, like Disney connects with its audience.
- You the cow! - No, you the cow! Wow, Disney gets us! And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog.
Which is why I'm proposing a very modest tax increase that will help us to No, no, no.
That's awful.
No, no, no.
I'm not okay with that.
- No new taxes.
No new taxes! No new taxes! No new taxes! But what about the terrorists? That's right.
Terrorists.
We have intelligence that suggests that Hitler is plotting with With the Legion of Doom to assassinate Jesus.
Using the lake as a base.
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom How did she discover our plan? Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.
And we also have evidence that Darth Vader tried to buy yellowcake uranium from unwed teenage mothers.
Those things all sound scary! How much money before I can feel safe again? A hundred thousand? I threw a 10! See that 10 there? I threw that.
At the top of the news, Lake Quahog is once again clean thanks to the efforts of newly-elected Mayor Lois Griffin.
We now go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for her slant on the story.
Thanks, Tom.
Once again, happy locals are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog, and we're here with their reactions.
Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back? Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident, I feel like I can once again take pride in my community.
I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism, and And, if you look around, I think even the wildlife is starting to come back.
And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while and I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of that.
Hey, you guys.
Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great.
Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
- What? - What? - Wow, Mom, is that a new purse? - Yeah, that looks pretty expensive.
Well, don't tell anybody, Brian, but I was a little naughty.
I may have dipped into the tax surplus.
Wait a minute.
You used taxpayer money to buy yourself a handbag? It's no big deal, Brian.
Besides, there was a lot left over after the lake clean-up, and I figured maybe I earned a little treat, huh? Lois, spending even one penny of that money on yourself - is incredibly unethical.
- Oh, come on, it was only 600.
My God, that's more than I spent to go see that prize fight in Vegas.
I thought you said we was going to see Hairspray.
Bitch, I thought I said just shut up and be looking fine.
What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts? Well, since Lois is the mayor, I'm allowed to reroute all the town's electricity.
- What'd you do that for? - So I could reanimate the corpse - of Jim Varney.
- Howdy, Vern.
This is some dad-gum nice house you got here, Vern.
That's Vern-Vern-Vern-Vern.
Oh, wait, wait.
It was John Belushi.
That's who I wanted.
- Peter, how could you - Way ahead of you, Brian.
My mistake.
I'll take care of this.
- Hey, Jim, come out in the yard, will you? - Sure thing, Vern.
He got the shotgun, Brian! Don't ask me how he did it, but Jim Varney got the shotgun! - Run for your life! - What? Run! - Excuse me, how much is this coat? - It's 4,300.
Oh.
Do you think you can give me a little mayoral discount? Well, I think you're doing a great job, Mrs.
Griffin, but my boss would kill me.
- How's everything going out here? - Fine, Mr.
Voorhees.
Good.
'Cause if you screw up, I'll kill you.
Hi, Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil.
- I'd like to buy you that coat.
- Really? All I ask in return is that you let my company do just a little bit of dumping in your lake.
This guy don't sit right with me, Lois.
He don't sit right with me.
- But I just cleaned up Quahog lake.
- Do you want the coat or not? - I want the coat.
- Excellent.
Then we have a deal.
Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out.
I'll just take him for a ride in the car, he'll forget all about it.
Wait a minute, I know where we are.
The park is near here! We're near the park, Lois! That's the tree, I peed on that! Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! There's another dog in that car! Hey! Are you seeing that? Hey! Hey! Hey, other dog! Fuck you! Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Quahog Oil Refinery, we would like to thank Mayor Lois Griffin for our newest waste pipe.
Let the dumping resume! - What's going on? - Everybody dead.
Oh, see now.
You know who they gonna blame this on.
Mmm-hmm.
The black dolphins.
See, the honky dolphin always trying to keep the black dolphin down.
I mean, can't we all just swim along? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson.
And you know what? I'm gonna call Catfish Sharpton.
Get them motherfuckers on the line.
Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath underwater? Longer than you! Check it out! My face! - Lois, what the hell are you doing? - Remembering who I am, you crook! Oh, I'm a crook, am I? What about all the money you embezzled? Do you want people to find out about that? You better play ball or we'll find someone else who will.
I'll play ball.
You know what, West? You can have your job back.
Politics does terrible things to good people.
Good for you, Lois.
You wised up before it was too late.
I was so consumed by power and money, I became the very thing I set out to destroy.
Hooray, I'm mayor again! Don't we need to have a whole new election? There.
Now no one will have heard him say that.
We all heard him say it.
- Anybody else hear anything? - My wife did.