Home Improvement s05e17 Episode Script

- Whoa.
That must be Bud's new truck.
- I told you he was getting one.
Hi, Mr.
Harper.
So, what brings you out on location? Well, what brings me out here is I'm your boss and I sign your paycheck.
And what lovely penmanship you have, sir.
Al, nobody likes a suck-up.
Oh, by the way, Tim, thanks for the custom gearshift knob you got me for my truck.
It's OK, boss.
- Bud, telephone call for you.
- Thanks, Heidi.
Sure.
All right, Al.
Once we go on the air, I'll go up and nail that facia board.
You give the tips on winter painting.
Be careful.
You don't want to drop anything on Bud's new truck.
Well, why don't you just move it? - Heidi, I'll need some masking tape.
- Sure.
Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Hey, Tim.
This new gearshift knob you have doesn't have any numbers or letters on it.
- Which one is reverse? - Uh, over and down.
No, up, up and over that My left.
Your left would be my my my left.
Yeah.
Tim! - Are you all right? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The truck broke my fall.
Oh, no, look at this truck! Do you think we can clean the paint off before Bud sees it? Oh, no! Hey, Mark.
Looking good.
Thanks.
I only got one more decal to put on and I'm done.
- How are you doing? - What do you think? It doesn't really look like a Spitfire.
That's because it's a combination - Spitfire and Mustang.
I don't know what to call it.
A Spitstang or a Musfire.
I've never seen mag wheels on a plane before.
Four.
A rear spoiler and dual exhaust.
Huh? Why would you need all that? In case you pull up next to a guy in a cloud who wants to race, that's why.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, honey.
Dad and I are finished building our planes.
Oh, wow.
Mark, your Spitfire looks great.
How about mine? I think you should spit on it and set it on fire.
This is the best one I've made so far.
I'm gonna go put it with my others.
It's beautiful.
I'm so glad you've found a hobby.
Great.
He finally found something he likes doing.
No one could be happier than me.
One thing I always said about my boys: If they can't learn to love cars, please God let them love something with an engine.
You know where you could take him? The Yankee Air Museum.
- I read they're having a special exhibit.
- Great idea.
I'll take him Saturday.
I won't have to suffer through one of your piano lessons again.
Excuse me.
Did you say suffer? Well, suffer in a good way.
We all know that suffering makes us stronger.
Tim, do you have any idea how lame that was? I'm never sure till I'm done.
You know, I really need to get this piano tuned.
I don't think it's the piano.
- You obviously haven't been practicing.
- Oh, yes, I have.
- 30 minutes a day? - Yes.
- Every day? - Every day almost.
Which means once a week.
And when she is playing, she's usually talking on the phone.
Complaining how annoying her teacher is.
- Really? - No, no.
Not you.
- That's my psychology teacher.
- Ah.
- Thanks, boys.
You've been a big help.
- Hey, anytime.
Jill, why do you want to play the piano? Well, um When I was a child, everybody said that I showed a lot of promise.
Apparently, that promise has been broken.
- Are you saying I should give up? - No.
I'm saying that if you want to learn to play, you have to commit to it and focus.
I am focused.
I'm focused! I just I have a very hectic schedule.
I have three boys and, and my husband is insane, and I go to school.
- I had tons of homework this week - Can it! I've been teaching for 50 years.
I've heard every excuse in the book.
"I broke a nail.
" "Dog ate my music.
" "Had to go fight in World War ll.
" Fighting for your country is not a good excuse? Not for me.
Jill, I have no tolerance for slackers.
If you want to be my student, you have to practice 30 minutes every day and focus, focus, focus! You know, I love what you're doing with your hair.
Man, I thought when you practice, you're supposed to get better.
That only works if you have a little thing called talent.
You know, maybe it's just us.
It's not us.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Come on.
Hey, Mom, the music sounds fantastic.
- You think? - I thought I was listening to a radio.
I still have the rest of the half hour to do, you know.
I gotta play this four more times.
That would be a big mistake.
Really? How come? There is a danger in overpracticing.
There's a bigger danger in trying to pull a fast one on your mother.
Now, listen, guys.
I'm going to play this until I get it right.
All right.
But don't blame us when you miss your grandchildren's weddings.
Sounds great.
I thought I was listening to the radio.
- Brad and Randy already tried that.
- Really? Did they try this? If you don't stop playing that piano, I'm going to kill myself.
No, they didn't.
How was the airplane museum? The best.
You should see what they have there, Mom.
A B-52 Stratofortress and our favorite, an F-102 Delta Dagger.
And best of all, no piano.
And they let us go up in one of those turboprops.
- Ooh! One of those simulator things? - No.
A little plane.
- You took him up in a little plane? - Yeah.
Those things are disasters waiting to happen.
They're like Tool Time with wings.
No, they're not.
Dad said I could, you know, take flying lessons if you said it was OK.
Oh.
Did he? He might have.
So, what do you say? I say that this is one of those things your father and I need to discuss in private.
OK.
But just remember, I've never wanted to do anything more in my entire life.
Only you could turn a trip to the museum into a journey to death.
Before you get bent out of shape, take a look at the facts.
No, here is a fact: there is no one who's going to convince me that an 11-year old child should be taking flying lessons.
They teach kids younger than Mark how to fly.
That doesn't make it safe.
They have a lot of sis-tis sis-sis-tid There's stat tistis There's t-t-t There's facts in here that show that flying a small plane is safer than driving a car.
Well, sure, the way you drive.
He'd be trained by a highly experienced instructor who's logged over 1000 hours I don't care if it's a million hours.
It only takes ten seconds to crash.
Honey, honey, honey.
We in the aviation business don't use the word "crash.
" It sounds so negative.
Well, honey some of us think a plane going down in flames is kind of a negative thing.
These planes are safe.
They're checked every 100 hours.
They inspect the engine.
Do they inspect the brains of the parents who sign their kids up for these classes? Maybe.
Read the brochure.
I haven't read the whole thing.
Tim, there is no way that I'm gonna let Mark do this.
- He's finally found a hobby.
- No, no! Fishing is a hobby, building model planes, that's a hobby.
Flying kamikaze missions over Detroit, not a hobby.
- Kamikaze missions? - Yeah.
You know what happens when a mother babies her son like this? He turns into Al.
- So, can I take flying lessons? - I'm sorry, honey.
But your father and I discussed it, and we decided that it's really not a good idea.
In other words, Mom said no and you caved.
I didn't cave.
She thinks She and I think it'd be better if you got a little older to take these lessons.
How old? Have your ever heard of a man named Methuselah? Hi.
Welcome back to a very special Tool Time I guess we should move back to our interview area.
Better yet, let's have the interview area move to us.
Good idea.
Heidi, the interview area, please.
Here you go, Tim.
Two years ago, we were fortunate to have the crew of the space shuttle ndeavor Today, we're honored to meet the crew of the space shuttle Columbia It's amazing they're here.
Yes.
Especially after you tried to steal one of the ndeavor crew's space tools.
I borrowed it, in case I was taking my family to the gas giant.
That would be Jupiter, not your mother.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome for the crew of the Columbia First, let's welcome Ken Bowersox, who's been here with us before on Tool Time He was with the ndeavor last time.
Welcome aboard.
Thank you, Tim.
For the record, I'd just like to say that you did try to steal that tool.
And for the record, I'd just like to say "Bowersox" is still a real funny name.
Next to Ken is Cady Coleman.
And next to her is Kathryn Thornton, who's spent over a 1,000 hours in space.
That's right, Tim.
But 21 of those hours were outside the cabin.
Anything to get away from Ken, huh? No.
We were doing things like trying to repair the Hubble Space Telescope.
Ah, you don't have to cover for him.
And last but not least, payload specialists Fred Leslie and Al Sacco.
Let me ask you guys a question that I'm sure most of us want to know.
Do your mothers worry about you being in space? My mom never has a problem with me orbiting around the Earth.
She only gets nervous when I fly in those small airplanes.
Jill, I'm sure he's just kidding around.
So, Al, guess what I have in common with all these astronauts.
You've all had a fire lit under your butt and shot into space? Well, that and Ph.
D.
If you remember, a couple of months ago, I got a Ph.
D.
All the astronauts also have Ph.
Ds.
Actually, Tim, that's not true.
Everyone has one but me.
Well, isn't that a shame, Ken? Do you guys razz him for not having a doctorate? - No, we don't, Tim.
- Why not? 'Cause he's the commander.
Fred, tell us a little something about what you guys did up there.
We had a 16-day mission where we conducted scientific experiments.
We focused on things like the physics of fluids.
Hm-hmm.
Give me a couple of beers, I'll teach you about the physics of fluids.
Then I guess our mission was completely unnecessary.
Before the astronauts went up in space, I put a care package together for NASA - a special screwdriver I made and some classic episodes of Tool Time - They came in handy.
- Who got to use the screwdriver? Me, and I brought a videotape of me using it in space.
Thanks, Kathryn.
Heidi, let's take a look at it.
Congratulations, Tim, on your first intergalactic screwup.
You enjoyed the Tool Time episodes? We watched them every night.
It helped us unwind.
Let's take a look at that.
Ah, the Porta-Potti episode.
We never slept better, Tim.
Brad! Randy! - Yeah, Mom? - How do you explain this? We were, uh, looking for the hamper in the middle of the night and obviously we were a little off.
Am I that bad? Let me put it this way.
Have you ever seen us pick up our dirty laundry before? No.
You're right.
But now you can pick it up and go put it on the washing machine, OK? Hi, Mark.
You're still not talking to me? Oh, honey! Look.
Look.
I got you something really cool.
This is a P-38 Lightning.
Keep it.
I don't care about planes anymore.
- Well, couldn't you find another hobby? - Like what? Stamp collecting? Well, that'd be good.
Or coins or paperweights.
I, as a child, collected butterflies.
I, as a child, could care less.
Wilson? Well, hi-ho, good neighbor.
Are you trying to get pneumonia or rehearsing for a production of No.
No.
Nanette? No, no, no, Jill.
- Have you heard of the Polar Bear Club? - Yeah.
It's that group of maniacs that swim in the middle of winter.
Well, say hello to the head maniac.
Boy, this can be an invigorating hobby.
At least it's less dangerous than the one Mark wants to have.
He wants to take flying lessons.
- Oh, mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
And Tim is trying to convince me of how safe it is.
Well, Jill, as an experienced pilot, I assure you that learning with a licensed instructor is quite safe.
- I didn't know you were a pilot.
- Yes.
I've logged over a 1,000 hours since I flew spy planes during the war.
- You were a spy? - Mm-hmm.
Which war? I'm not at liberty to say.
Well, I just hate the idea of Mark flying in these planes.
My father flew in those small military planes all the time, - Right.
- And even though it was peacetime, my mother was always a basket case until he got back.
You know, we all were.
Well, Jill, from what you tell me of your family, I'm reminded of the behavior of baboons.
The studies showed that the offspring of baboons pick up their parents' fears, whether those fears are justified or not.
You're saying I'm afraid for Mark because my mother projected her fears onto me? Well, I can't say that for sure.
Jill, have you ever been up in a small plane? Of course.
The Dumbo ride at Disney World.
I think what would really help you is to take a ride in a small aircraft just to see how darn safe they really are.
I don't think so.
I'd be too scared.
Well, are you really scared, or are you just echoing your mother's fears? I don't know.
I'd hate to think that I was passing my fears onto the kids, though.
Thanks to their father, they're afraid of glues, hammers and anything in reverse.
Well, I'd be glad to take you up.
It's just that there are a few countries I can't fly over.
Which ones? I'm not at liberty to say.
- How am I doing, Wilson? - Very well.
Especially for someone who's never taken a lesson.
You have a natural aptitude.
He sure does.
Hey, Mark, watch out for the skydiver by the crosswalk! - How's it going back there, Jill? - Pretty good.
It's not near as scary as I thought it would be.
Well, then perhaps you'd consider removing your fingernails from my thigh.
Sorry.
- This is really cool, isn't it, Mom? - Way cool.
Boy, you can sure see a lot of stuff.
Look, the Silverdome's ov Ah! - Whoops! - Uh-oh.
What did I do? "Whoops" is not a word I want to hear Oh, my God.
What's happening? Tim just hit the mixture control, which caused the engine to die.
"Die" is even worse that "whoops"! Don't panic, Jill.
I'll just readjust the mixture.
And I'll level the course.
There.
That's better.
I'm sorry.
Is there something I can do, Wilson? Actually, Tim, there's a very special job I have for you.
- Great.
What is it? - Take your hands - Got them.
- Place them firmly under your butt OK.
And leave them there for the rest of the flight.
So, Mom, can I take flying lessons? Yeah.
So long as you leave your father home.
Wilson, can we land now? Land? I never learned how to do that.
He's kidding.
You're kidding, right? I'm not at liberty to say.
What happened to focus, focus, focus? It went out the window, window, window.
Jill, you were supposed to practice every day.
I tried, I tried! But my kids, they just kept stuffing their dirty laundry in my piano.
- Laundry in the piano? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Jill, if you weren't going to practice, you might have spent the time coming up with a better excuse.
You know, Bowersox, up in space, you may be commander, but down here, I am mission control.
You guys are good at getting out of tight situations.
Try this.
We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.