King of the Hill s05e17 Episode Script

You know what your classic car needs to stand out at the Classic Car Show? Me spread-eagled on your hood.
Hauling ass, huh? Man, get your dang old thumbprints, nicotine stain, too, man.
This car looks like it was made before 1980.
Good eye, Bobby.
When did you become such a car nut? Wednesday.
When I found out that cars built before 1980 are responsible for most of the pollution in the air.
Sorry.
I'm gonna have to write you a ticket, Mr.
Boomhauer.
"You have been ticketed by the environmental court.
"Tom Landry Middle School.
" - What the - I know.
You should appeal that all the way to the high school.
Joseph issued me one of those yesterday for pouring used motor oil down the kitchen sink.
Fascist.
A D-cell in the garbage.
Oh, yes! Mom, I'm gonna have to write you up for not taking this to an approved battery-recycling center.
Two more tickets and I get an A in history.
Now, what the heck does annoying your mom and Boomhauer have to do with history? Mr.
McKay says that history is past.
But saving the Earth is our present to the future.
Bobby, I will have you know that I consider myself to be one of the great environmentalists of my time.
I have a plastic grocery bag filled with plastic grocery bags that I will bring back to the grocery store one day.
Sorry.
Hank, those hoboes are going through our garbage again.
Accidentally throw away one regulator valve and now we're the talk of the freight yards.
- Here's a phone book.
- What the - Bobby, shouldn't you be in school? - I am in school.
History with Mr.
McKay.
The pizza box is recyclable.
The crust is compostable.
And the cheese Don't get me started on the cheese.
So you're the Mr.
McKay Bobby keeps talking about.
I guess I pictured a woman.
Bobby's told me a lot about you.
And how you flush your urine whether or not you've also left feces.
What? You discussed this in school? Look, if you care so much about the environment why don't you teach these kids about clean-burning, energy-efficient propane? Clean-burning propane.
That's funny.
You see, propane grills just perpetuate the whole culture of backyard barbecues plastic forks, paper plates, meat.
I've sold three grills today using those exact same words but with a more positive attitude.
Don't worry.
I know where he lives.
And there's a summons to appear in the Middle School's environmental court.
You can't just put something in a mailbox without a stamp.
That's a federal offense.
Hank, it is no big deal.
I was in and out of court in five minutes.
What? You actually went? I work at that school.
I cannot afford to have any blemishes on my record.
Come on.
Do it for Bobby.
Hank, this could be his first A since he was in the same math class as that Bobby Hall and brought home the wrong report card.
So help me God.
This isn't the Bible.
It's a Harry Potter book.
We're not allowed to bring the Bible to school.
If it pleases the court, I will show that my client or Dad is not a bad man, just an ignorant man.
Here we go.
Ignorance, no matter how profound and pathetic, is not an excuse.
Then I would like to change my client's plea to guilty by reason of insanity.
What? I'm not insane.
Your witness.
I'm not a lawyer.
I'm just a kid.
But you, sir, disgust me.
All right, that's it.
I do not plead guilty.
We have a dumpster at Strickland Propane.
And we fill it with garbage.
That's what it's there for.
This whole thing is ridiculous.
I'll tell you what's ridiculous.
The city council is considering putting a new landfill in unincorporated Arlen.
What's wrong with a new landfill? You gotta put the garbage somewhere.
If we put garbage somewhere, soon we'll be putting it everywhere.
Anybody want to sleep on a bed of yucky garbage and drink toxic waste? No! Come on.
McMaynerbury used the money they got burying Houston's garbage to buy those new fire engines.
Who likes fire engines? But, Dad, if they put this one in, it'll jeopardize an endangered species: a lgestaxefolia.
- Itchy algae.
- Itchy algae? It sounds like good riddance to me.
Just because itchy algae isn't cuddly or "good for anything," it doesn't mean we should destroy its habitat by draining the quarry.
The quarry? That's where they're putting the landfill.
I throw my insane client on the mercy of the court.
And after the weather, they did a story about a squirrel that water-skis.
And I went to bed happy.
I just remembered that I left my workbench in your basement, Dale.
Three of us ought to be able to carry it.
- Yo, man.
- No.
Bill, Dale and I can handle it.
Thanks, anyway.
Let's go, Bill and Dale.
Okay.
I know we agreed never to speak of this again.
But they're gonna drain the quarry.
But if they drain the quarry, Boomhauer will find out what happened to-- Sally! No.
We agreed never to speak of that day again.
I remember.
Believe me, I remember.
Naw, I wish Boomhauefd let us ride in his car.
How can we be wild and crazy guys if we're stuck standing around all the time? - Hey, baby.
- Hello.
Wait a second.
Kid Dy-no-mite has got it.
Why don't we take Boomhauefls car for a joyride? Joyride? That sounds fun.
And you know what would be even more fun? If after we drive it, we fill it with gas so the next time Boomhauer uses it he's like, "How'd that happen?" Let's go to 31 Flavors and ask for 31 samples.
It's legal and there's nothing they can do about it.
Yeah! Zingq! I'll drive.
You can't handle a stick.
No! You're stripping the gears, Dale! Dale, stop! The left brake's not working.
That's the clutch.
Hit the other pedal.
That was close, but I think I'm okay.
Boomhauer thinks some Yankees came down and stole the car.
And he's gonna go to his grave thinking that.
Boomhauer's grave? Are you suggesting we kill Boomhauer? Well, you're the boss.
We're not killing Boomhauer.
Yeah, but when they drain that quarry, they'll find his car with our lettermen jackets right inside and he'll want to kill us.
He won't find out.
Let's just say Councilman Fred Eber owes me one.
I voted for him.
I'm leaning back towards killing him.
So you can see, Councilman Eber, this is a far more suitable location for a landfill than the quarry.
No, they're using that land to build one of those new multiplexes.
Looks like I'm gonna be out of a job soon, Hank.
What about that gray patch of land over there? It looks pretty useless.
It would be perfect.
That's the quarry.
So, if you stop using newspapers, I can give you a coupon for $20 off your first purchase of a windmill.
I'm sorry I can't help you, Bobby.
I don't use newspapers.
You can cancel my subscription.
I want to be part of the solution.
I thought you said tree-huggers like me and Mr.
McKay were a bunch of noodle-brained communists.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
This is great! I'm gonna get extra credit for bringing you all on board.
We're gonna save itchy algae.
Yeah.
Itchy algae.
Earth first! Make Mars our bitch.
I thought we were just having a few of your classmates over.
Not a bunch of Who are these people? They're from Mr.
McKay's yoga group.
Principal Moss says our class can't get grades for protesting.
So all the other kids dropped out.
But don't worry, Dad.
I still care.
I even wrote a slogan: "Drain the quarry--" Dang it, Bobby.
That's exactly what we don't want.
I'm not done.
Drain the quarry, you'll be sorry.
Now, that is good.
This is the first time in my life I've gotten you to change your mind about something.
Which one of my arguments did you love the most? You know, "Spaceship Earth," "We're all in this together" you know, "Random acts of whatnot.
" Who wants some of Peggy Hill's rainforest cookies? They are made with sustainably-harvested Brazil nuts.
All profits go to save the rainforest.
Are those paper plates? Yes.
Man, dang.
it's starting to look like Woodstock over here.
Man, you talking about that old dang Sha Na Na going in there, man.
Boomhauer, we're just saving an endangered species.
Go away! - You know, itchy algae, that might-- - You heard him.
Beat it.
Man, fine.
I'll go do my grocery shopping my dang self, man.
Drain the quarry, you'll be sorry! Drain the quarry, you'll be sorry! Hank Hill, Strickland Propane.
I am no stranger to city council meetings having supported your anti-skateboarding initiative as well as the neon-sign wattage limits.
But today I present these petitions signed by 200 citizens against the proposed landfill.
Hank, I understand how you and your fringe minority feel.
But that quarry is a festering stink-hole that the hoboes use as a giant toilet.
We're better off without it.
Let's turn trash into cash.
Their slogan's better than our slogan.
Let's put it to a vote.
All in favor? Then it's settled.
Draining of the quarry will begin tomorrow at 9 a.
m.
Dad, what are we gonna do? Don't worry, Son.
I'll think of something.
I've got it.
We create three new people: Hank Jones, Dale Smith and Bill Manugian.
When they find our lettermen jackets in the car, those guys take the heat.
Now, we're gonna need three dead guys.
The Army might have some dead guys.
Why couldn't it have been me and Boomhauer that did something horrible to you guys? Because Boomhauefls a saint.
Okay.
I've got a plan that might actually work.
- Dale, we're gonna need your scuba gear.
- Why? Because they can't find Boomhauer's car if it's not there.
But it is there.
Maybe we should use Dale's scuba gear to pull the car out.
Now, that's a plan, Hank.
Piece of cake.
I found her right between my old lawnmower, and what I'm fairly certain is a genuine Egyptian sarcophagus.
- Okay, Bill.
Crank her up.
- Yep.
Damn it, Dale.
Strange.
Another frogman must have switched the hook after I surfaced.
But why? My God.
Look at Boomhauefls car.
At least it won't be too hard to chop it up and bury it.
Look.
Our old lettermen's jackets.
You can still see where Dale's says "Towel Manager.
" - Dad.
- This is nice.
Very nice.
Now, you see what Hank is doing, Darren? He's blocking the draining equipment with a pile of debris.
He's fighting garbage with garbage.
Good work, Hank.
That's my dad! Yeah.
Thanks.
Okay, everybody.
Let's go get our chains and our bag lunches and meet back at Hank's barricade.
I should see if my dad wants the peanut-butter-and-lentil sandwich or the soy eggs and soy-sage.
What are we gonna do, Hank? If there's a protest, there will be cops.
And if there are cops, they'll try to pin it on me.
And since I did it, they will succeed.
Oh, my God! - You know he'll take us down with him.
- That does sound like me, Hank.
Pull it together, guys.
I haven't spent all this time acting like an environmental nut-job just so Boomhauer could find out we dumped his car here.
Mr.
McKay, may I borrow your cell phone, please? Yeah.
This is unincorporated Arlen.
There might be roaming charges.
I'll pay them.
- Yo.
- Mr.
Boomhauer, it's Bobby Hill.
I found your car, Sally.
Yeah, I think you want to get down to the quarry as fast as you can.
Man, I gotta run, man.
Need to move the ice cream truck, man.
Kum ba yak, my Lord Kum ba yak! I can't hear you, Mr.
Hill.
You know, with all that junk sitting here the quarry already looks like a landfill.
Maybe I should straighten up a bit.
Bill, Dale, help me push that car into the bushes.
Too late.
Okay, everybody link arms and form a human chain of defiance.
Hi.
We have to get in here to drain the quarry.
Over our bloody and beaten bodies.
I see.
Well, this is a protest.
Okay.
I hadn't heard anything about it.
You know, new girl at the office.
Still breaking her in.
Okay, so I guess I'll go call the cops.
Oh, no.
Boomhauer, what are you doing here? I can't believe it's her, man.
Oh, God.
I thought I wouldn't see you till heaven, man.
Oh, man.
Closure, man.
Boomhauer, there's something you need to know.
I'm sorry.
It was a prank that just got out of hand.
Hank? Dang, man.
Oh, my God.
It was Hank? Boomhauer, did you find any other jackets which might prove if Hank had any accomplices? No accomplices.
Hank committed this tragedy all alone.
How could you, Hank? Man, that dang old three-faced Hank.
Thanks for the heads up, Bobby.
You called Boomhauer on me? But why? You acted like an environmental nut-job for a week? But why? Bobby, you got to believe me.
I didn't mean for you to hear that.
It's the cops.
Wonderful! I've always wanted to get arrested for my principles.
Okay, everybody, dead weight! Please lie on your stomach and spread your arms and legs.
Me, too? But I'm not even getting extra credit anymore.
You heard me.
This is crazy.
You can't arrest him.
He's just a misguided seventh-grader trying to save some pond scum.
I'm the one who did something wrong.
I've always been against stealing cars and lying to my son.
Now I've done both.
If anyone should be arrested, it's me.
What do you say we go home, Bobby? Stop resisting.
On your stomach.
- All right, let's take him out of here.
- Let's go, pal.
That's it, Dad.
Dead weight! Boomhauer! Yo, man.
That's just great.
Hank was our lift.
If you're taking Bobby, can you take us, too? Man, I'll tell you what.
You dang well drove it here.
What are you talking about? You drive it back, man.
Dang old traitor, man.
What gave us away? Come on.
You're flooding it.
- Mr.
Boomhauer, can I ask your advice? - Yo.
How long should we stay angry at my dad? Well, you know, Bobby, don't take for me, man.
You know, life's too short, man.
You don't want to hold no grudge, man.
Talking about let old bygones be bygones, man.
Maybe two weeks, probably three.
You know, Mr.
Boomhauer I can see why my dad is always quoting you.
Man, your daddy's quoting me? Goddang, man.
Maybe just make it one week.
No.