Roseanne s05e17 Episode Script

Yep.
This whole place is mine.
Anything you want is free.
Do they let you work here? I don't have to.
I'm an owner.
Oh, yeah? Prove it! Okay, you want to see? D.
J.
! What are you doing? He made me! This is why you don't have any friends, D.
J.
You guys sit down there.
I'll make you a couple of sandwiches.
She's new.
Anything's better than having your mom here.
Hey, D.
J.
Hey, Jordan.
Oh! Mrs.
Conner, you look especially lovely today.
Brace yourself, Roseanne.
Mom just called.
Someone's coming here, someone you don't like.
That could be anybody.
Cousin Ronnie.
Oh, my god.
She heard about dad.
She wants to pay her respects.
Well, couldn't she have her secretary fax her respects From her royal yacht or something? What does she have to come down here for? I would like to stick around, but I have a lot ofStuff to do.
You're not going anywhere.
You're gonna be right here when the happiness hits the fan.
All right.
You can make me stay, But for god sakes, let the little ones go.
Blow.
Come on, you guys.
Fill me in.
Don't hog the hate.
You better tell her, Jackie.
I'll get too upset.
All right.
Ronnie's a cousin.
She's a jerk.
And about 25 years ago, they had a misunderstanding.
It wasn't a misunderstanding.
I was totally right and she was completely wrong.
Roseanne thought she was gonna be a bridesmaid in Ronnie's wedding, And now Roseanne will interrupt me.
But Ronnie didn't think that I was good enough To be in her crummy little wedding, you know? Which is totally fine with me, Because it was a pretentious, overblown piece of crap anyway.
Was it a day or an evening wedding? Never mind.
If you need me, i'll be in the kitchen.
Well, here.
Clean up a little before she gets here.
What are you mad at me for? Because you're my sister and if I hate somebody, You gotta hate 'em too.
That's called love.
It was never my fight anyway.
And besides, you don't know.
It's been 25 years.
Maybe she's come down to earth since the last time we saw her.
Ronnie.
[ominous.]
[laughing.]
Well, Jackie.
You've certainly grown out of that awkward stage.
Well, it happened about a week ago.
We're all very happy about that.
How's your sister? She's good.
She's right over there.
Yes, I see her.
Well, I can see that you two obviously want to talk, So I will just get out of your way.
Uh, would you like some coffee or something? Yeah.
Coffee'd be great.
That's a nice outfit.
Thank you.
That's a nicePlace.
Oh, this old thing? I just threw it together this morning.
Rosie, I was so sorry to hear about your father.
You know, I really loved him.
Well, you had the advantage of not being his kid.
I would have come to the funeral, But I only heard about it a few days ago.
That's okay.
Mom took pictures.
Look, I know there's been a lot of bad blood between us, And I know we've said a lot of things to each other Which, although extremely clever, we probably regret.
But I really think this is a time for families to be together.
Yeah.
Death is such an ice-breaker.
I want you and I to bury the hatchet, Rosie.
I'm sick of being mad at you.
You mad at me? You're the one that didn't make your closest cousin your bridesmaid.
I was in New York.
I'd made new friends.
I hadObligations.
Yeah, well, what about your obligations to me? You know, I was sitting there waiting for a call from you To tell me what kind of hideous tangerine chiffon bridesmaid dress to wear, And then I get an invitation 3 months later That 350 other people got.
I was crushed.
Tangerine chiffon? That is so '60s.
Well, it was the '60s.
Nancy, if you don't mind, this really has nothing to do with you, okay? I mean, I only knew Nancy for one year, And she made me one of her bridesmaids.
Yeah, but I don't have that many friends.
Are those Charles Jourdan boots? They're gorgeous.
Did you buy them new? Is that a Fendi bag? Are these Mizrahi gloves? You know, i'm a little busy now.
Would you come back and envy me in about 10 minutes? Nancy, there's a customer over there that could use some service, And i'm sure his overalls are Oshkosh b'gosh.
We'll gab later.
Love your earrings.
You know, I just cannot believe that you have been mad at me For 25 years because of my stupid wedding.
Well, it wasn't just that, it was a whole bunch Of other stuff too, you know? You were supposed to go to New York, And then I was gonna follow.
And you were gonna get an apartment.
I was gonna come live with you, And it was, you know, gonna be like that girl.
I was only in my early twenties.
I didn't know where I was going.
Yeah, but I was 14 and I believed you.
I wasn't thinking.
I was very insensitive.
All right, I was a total butt.
Okay, well, since you came this far and everything, I'd really like you to come over and meet my family.
I've told them all about you, so now would be a good time For you to come and defend yourself.
Great.
Jackie would you watch this place? We're gonna leave.
[Jackie.]
okay, you got it.
Oh, hey.
So, uh, are you still married to that same guy? Oh, after everything I put you through, We never even made it to our first anniversary.
I know.
I heard.
Thanks.
I heard Becky got married.
Any grandchildren yet? Good one.
[laughing.]
look at us.
Brown's Lake, 1967.
Who's the little boy pulling the shirt over his head? That's Jackie.
Said we were all gonna do it.
Do you still have the picture of her doing the pantyless cartwheel? Yeah, it's in there someplace.
Had a lot of great times together, didn't we! Maybe I can find a picture of that mud fight in here.
Oh, god, is that mud fight gonna haunt me forever.
Yeah, remember how upset I got at you for stealing my boyfriend blake? Whose old beater's that? That was mine.
Before your mother totaled it.
You totaled a car? Well, it wasn't her fault.
The cops were chasing her.
The cops were chasing you? Of course, it was a stolen car.
You stole a car? You know, if she had not totaled that car She would have been right across the state line.
Where were you going? Across the state line, I don't know.
I was only 13.
How come you never told Darlene any of this? Because I was afraid it would bring us together.
Oh, you think I was so cool.
I was nothing more than a Ronnie wannabe.
Ah, stop it, Rosie.
No, Ronnie, it's true.
You were always somebody who could never settle down.
I couldn't even make it across the state line, But you made it all the way to new york.
I think my problem is that I could never overcome my basic nurturing instinct.
Get the hell out of my chair! I had the urge to roam too, ronnie.
That's why I drove the big rigs.
Yeah, I think I could've made it out of here too If I hadn't hit that big old wall of love And married him.
Always had a touch of the wanderlust.
Bit of a loner really.
So, Ronnie, uh, what do you do in new york? Well, i'm an editor with American Interiors magazine.
Whoa.
I knew illiteracy wasn't a dominant gene in our family.
Now now, Darlene, you gotta stand in line.
Ronnie was my idol first.
I wanted to get out of Lanford and she did.
I wanted to write children's books and she became the writer.
Yup.
Don't envy me.
My kind of life's not for everybody.
Towels are in the bathroom.
Sheets are in the drawer.
No boys after 11:00.
That doesn't give me much time.
Your mother didn't describe you properly.
She said that you were dark and brooding.
Yeah, well, I save that for the immediate family, But i'll make an exception.
School sucks, i'm bombing out, my future's bleak.
And yourself? Well, i've just been amusing myself By rifling through your possessions.
David and I haven't used any of those yet.
We just bought 'em in case our relationship keeps-- Hey, relax.
I used to buy them for your mom.
No.
I read this short story of yours, And I think it's really good.
I can't believe you invaded my privacy like that.
But since you liked it, i'll get over it.
I can't believe that you got an f for that.
I really want to be a writer, But I know i'm just gonna rot here.
The great minds of Lanford just don't appreciate my stuff.
Oh, Darlene, don't buy into what those teachers in Lanford tell you.
They turn out 7 professionals a year and they all work in the same garage.
You're the only person that's gotten out of this hell-hole And made it back to tell about it.
Do you want to know how I did it? I just got into the car and never looked back.
Aw, I wish I could do that.
You know, there's this great writing school in new york That I could go to now if I just took one of those equivalency tests.
Well, why don't you go after high school? Well, if I wait 'til after high school I will have had all the creativity sucked out of me.
What would you tell me to do if I was your daughter? Well, if you were my daughter i'd tell you to stay at school And clean your room.
But if it were me, i'd probably drop out and go for it.
Well, what would you do for money? Well, first i'd see if I could get into the school And then maybe i'd hit my rich cousin for a loan, And maybe a place to stay.
You'd do that for me? You're kidding.
Darlene, this may depress the hell out of you, But you do remind me of your mother.
You know, in spite of that comment, I'm gonna let you lend me the money.
Now, you really remind me of your mother.
God, dropping out of school, moving to new york You know, maybe you should let me tell my mom about this.
So rare that I get to bring her any good news.
Dealer takes two.
Watch your language, boys.
There's a lady in the room.
Hey, ronnie, this is D.
J.
's friend Jordan.
Pleasure.
All the rest of my poker buddies had to stay after school.
I got to be going.
My mom wants me home by 5:00.
What, are you gonna play cards or you gonna listen to your mommy? We're eating dinner at his house tonight.
Bye.
But I got a straight.
Well, i'm out 25 cents.
Ya up for a hand? No way.
Last time I went to vegas I lost a bundle.
Never actually used that word when it comes to money.
What exactly is a bundle? You don't want to know.
Try me.
Well, one night, I lost two grand.
Good god! On one hand.
Eee-oh! I'm sorry, I know this sounds like i'm bragging.
Yeah, it does, but keep going.
This is the closest i'm ever gonna come To a vulgar display of wealth.
Hey, where is everybody? I could use a hand out here.
Yes, dear.
Well, I wasn't going to buy this many groceries, But there was a brand-new girl at the grocery store And she actually took my check.
I wish you'd let me pay for some.
Oh, nonsense, you're the guest.
Only Dan and the kids pay.
Well, at least let me put them away.
I never get to do this at home.
It'll be fun! Well, hey, there's a mop Up against the fridge there.
Party down! Extraordinary couple of days.
First, your cousin turns out to be a decent human being, And, get this, Darlene's having trouble in school.
So what? She's the state's problem from 8:00 to 3:00.
I think they're about to throw her back in our lap.
The word failing came up.
I'd say it's time for threats and intimidation.
Well, did you already do it? Not yet.
I saved it all for you.
I love you.
It's open.
Hope you're doing your homework.
Hope springs eternal.
So what's this I hear about something threatening your, Uh, solid d average that we're so proud of.
No, it's okay, I got it under control.
Well, I hope you didn't do nothing to that teacher They can trace back to me.
Don't worry, i'm not gonna flunk anything, okay? I can still hold my head high in detention.
What's this? What are you sending a money order to the board of education for? It's for my high school equivalency test.
I need it to go to this writing school.
What writing school? In new york.
Excuse me? Have we met? You don't need to do anything.
Cousin Ronnie said she'd pay For the whole thing and I could stay with her and everything.
God, that is so tacky, Darlene.
It's not like this family don't look bad enough Without you panhandling the relatives.
Well, I didn't ask! She offered! No way! You're not leaving this house until you're 18, And me and your dad are gonna kick you out like we always planned.
Well, you wanted to get out of Lanford when you were my age.
Yeah, but it's all built up now.
Why do you have to ruin my life? Because I lost the coin toss, okay? Your dad got D.
J.
Where do I put something called potato buds? Why don't you put them through college? What? Yeah, why don't you dangle something real pretty in front of them, Encourage them to drop out of school, and then turn them against their parents.
This isn't about potato buds, is it? You know, Dan and me don't like it when people Offer our kids money to run away from home.
We feel like if they're gonna run away from home They should save up the money themselves.
See, we're trying to instill values here.
Look, I don't mean to criticize your methods, Roseanne, But if you are trying to thank me, you're going about it the wrong way.
Oh, i'm sorry.
Let me thank you for going behind my back And filling my daughter's head with all kinds of ideas That I have to run upstairs and say no to.
Why do you have to say no to her? Maybe it's the best thing for her.
You have known the girl for 10 minutes.
How could you possibly know what's best for her? I've lived with her for 50, what's best for her.
Well, I wouldn't let that get out, Otherwise they'll make you give back your mother of the year award.
Look, maybe you don't know this about Darlene, But she wants to be a writer.
Well, of course she wants to be a writer.
She's 16 years old and a sophomore in high school.
Last year she wanted to be a basketball star.
Hey, D.
J.
Wants to be a cowboy.
You want to run out and buy him a horse? I'm sorry, Rosie.
You know, I really thought I was doing the right thing, But i'll take care of it.
I'll just go upstairs and tell her the whole thing's off.
No, you're going up and you're giving her the ideas, And then you go up there and take them away.
You haven't really changed much in 25 years.
While you're up there why don't you just tell D.
J.
That his horse is dead.
Come on, Rosie.
You just hate the fact that one of your kids Looks up to me more than they do to you.
I think it's time you got to know your daughter better.
She certainly opens up to strangers.
Well, maybe she takes after your side of the family.
Oh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous 'cause I made something of myself.
Yeah, an ass.
And where do you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? I mean, you're from illinois! You've been talking that way ever since you did that Stupid play in high school.
Well, i'm sorry I don't have your dulcet tones.
I can't believe that I wasted 25 years Hating you for something as stupid as a wedding When there's really a very good reason to hate you.
You're a bitch! I'm a bitch? Ha! I bow to the queen of all bitches.
Hey, you want to know why I didn't want you To be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the state of Illinois To make your dress! Good one.
You left out your middle name.
Oh, um, I don't have one.
David Come on, the school will still accept Our applications without our middle name.
It's maurice.
Thank your parents for me.
Are you sure your mom doesn't Know what we're doing? Nah, she probably thinks we're out having sex.
Amazing, 'cause I can't imagine it Even if I try.
Well, does this help? Maurice! Maurice! I don't know about this, Darlene.
The school's all the way in New York.
Where are we gonna stay? Well, if my mom hasn't completely Blown the thing with Cousin Ronnie, There's always her place.
You could visit from the shelter on weekends.
Roll it down.
Yes, officer? What are you kids doing in there? We're filling out our applications for college.
My mom won't let us do it in the house.
Oh, hey, let's tell them that you didn't think That your trailer was big enough So you threw a major fit, okay? 'cause the tabloids love when you do that.
How 'bout if we say I threw a cup of tea in your face? You know, it really is exhausting Pretending all the time To be this difficult to get along with, isn't it.
Yes.
Would you like my last piece of gum? Thank you.
Oh, i've got it.
I've got it.
We'll feed 'em a story That I caught you flirting with Tom And then we got into this huge catfight And now you're suing me For half of all my stuff.
Here, let me help you with that.
You know, it's been so great being on the show.
Any of you guys want some coffee? Yeah, I would.
Make it two.
Hey, steve! You and andy want some coffee? Collins is making another pot.
Coming right up! You know, I was thinking About your credit on the show, And I just don't think "guest star" is important enough, so I was thinking, How 'bout if I put your name above mine in the titles? Oh, please.
Don't even bother about it.
Just leave it off if you don't have the room.
In fact, you know what? Don't even pay me.
Anyone for cream?