Seinfeld s05e17 Episode Script

Of all the places you go the dry cleaning relationship's the most bizarre.
You keep giving each other the same thing back and forth over and over again.
He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you.
It's like it's half his shirt, in a way.
He has it as much as you do.
You ought to go shopping with him.
"What do you think of this shirt?" "That would look good with a light starch.
" The only warning label people respect is "dry-clean only.
" Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings your very life is at stake.
People go, "Ah, the hell with it.
" But dry-clean only? "Don't put that in the wash.
It's dry-clean only.
Are you crazy?" -Good morning.
-Good morning.
-How did you sleep? -You're on the couch tonight.
-You were all over my side.
-I was not.
I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed.
By the way, you're falling way behind on the "I love you's.
" -No, no, 1 2-8.
-No, it's 1 5-8.
I know I can't beat you.
I'm trying to stay competitive.
-Let's get some breakfast.
-Let me get a coat.
I think I'll try a sports jacket and scarf thing.
You know, like an unemployed actor.
I haven't worn this one in a long time.
-Cashmere? -No, Gore-Tex.
It's new.
Look at this locket.
What the hell's this? There's a picture in here.
Look at that.
This is really old.
You don't know whose it is? I haven't worn this jacket since I had it dry-cleaned.
-Maybe we should ask.
-We'll stop over there.
-What do you wanna get for breakfast? -Pancakes.
Come on, you know I'm getting pancakes.
-I don't know that.
-We can't both get pancakes.
It's embarrassing.
That's one step from the couples that dress alike.
-I'll get the short stack.
-That's why I love you.
-How you doing? -We just got back from breakfast.
-Pancakes were dynamite.
-Is that my maple syrup? Yeah.
-You bring your own syrup? -You got to.
You got a lot to learn about pancakes.
This is my wife.
She died eight years ago.
I've been looking all over for this.
It's lucky that I put the jacket on.
How did it get in the pocket? The chain is broken.
It must have slipped in when I was.
I turned my house upside down looking for this.
-It's all I have left of her.
-That's so touching.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you and your family -Oh, come on.
It's silly.
-Forget it.
-Get out of here.
-It's done.
All right.
I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.
I didn't know you were married.
Oh, yeah.
You never met my wife, Meryl.
Meryl Seinfeld.
Yeah, sure.
You get the discount too.
You might regret that.
The money my wife -spends on clothes-- -I'm taking him to the cleaners.
See her sense of humor? I'm so nuts about you.
I tell you, it was fun being single.
But when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married.
You run.
Oh.
Hi, Greg.
-Haven't seen you in a while.
-Yeah.
Today was the first day I've worked out since the Central Park mini-marathon.
-You ran the mini-marathon? -No, but I exercised that day.
I gotta take off.
As an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can say that and mean it.
-Do you have the time? -Eleven-thirty.
-Eleven-thirty? -Wait, wait, 1 0:30.
Sorry.
-You have to be somewhere? -No.
-What are you doing? -Just waiting for my friend George.
We worked out together.
-Well, it's good seeing you.
-Nice to see you too.
Bye.
Would you? -Can l--? -Pardon? The syrup.
Would you pass the syrup? Oh, you want to try the syrup.
Can I get you anything else? Yeah.
My wife and I will have a little more coffee.
-Okay.
-And the check for my husband.
To my beautiful wife.
To my adoring husband.
-Adoring? What about handsome? -I like adoring.
Yeah, sure.
Adoring's good for you.
What's it do for me? Excuse me.
Where did you get that? l-- Well-- We don't allow any outside syrups jams, or condiments in the restaurant.
And if I catch you in here with that again I will confiscate it.
Well, I told my wife not to bring it.
Really? Twenty-five percent off? -Do I get that too? -No.
Just Meryl.
-Why does she get it? -Because she's my wife.
Yeah? I tell you, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing.
You think about each other.
You care about each other.
It's wonderful.
I love saying "My wife.
" Once I started saying it, I can't stop.
"My wife" this, "my wife" that.
It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
"My wife has an inner ear infection.
" -See? -I like that.
Will you do me a favor? Will you take my quilt into the cleaners so I can get the discount too? We'll start doing this now? I can't be taking -all your dry cleaning in.
-Just this one time.
It's expensive.
Hey, Elaine.
What do you say, if neither of us is married in 1 0 years -we get hitched? -Let's make it 50.
We're engaged.
All right, I'm gonna get my quilt.
All right.
Listen to this.
Remember that guy at the health club? The flyboy.
Where's George? -I thought he was with you.
-He didn't show up.
Anyway, this guy gave me an open-lip kiss.
-So? -So? We've always just kind of pecked.
This one had a different dynamic.
-Really? -Yeah.
I mean.
His upper lip landed flush on my upper lip but his lower lip landed well below my rim.
-Moisture? -Yeah.
Definite moisture.
-That's an open-lip kiss, all right.
-Yeah.
I think he's giving me a big signal.
Maybe he wants to change our relationship.
Yeah.
-It's George.
-Hey, what happened to you? Nothing.
A little problem.
What was it? I mean, I was waiting.
Can I come upstairs, please? Maybe he wants to ask me out.
Why are you interested? He's a jerk.
Because he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me.
-Yeah, so? -I respect that.
What happened? Nothing, I said it was a little problem.
Yeah, what was it? I was in the locker room showering, and I -I had to go, so-- -Here we go.
Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me.
He even gave me a dirty look.
You went in the shower? Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one.
-Do you go in the shower? -No, never.
-Do you? -I take baths.
What was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe go to the other end, come all the way back? Did you ever hear of holding it in? Oh, no.
That's very bad for the kidneys.
-How do you know? -Medical journals.
Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine? Hello.
-Oh, hi, honey.
-What are you doing here? I just thought I'd drop off a few things.
I must have been in the incinerator room when you left.
Here you go, Marty.
Another quilt? -Jerry.
-Uncle Leo.
-Hello.
-Hello.
If you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday-- Your wife? Yeah.
My wife.
What are you talking about? I got married.
You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation? Well, it was sudden.
Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you? No, no.
It was a small ceremony.
Haven't I always been the good uncle? Yes, yes, you have.
Who told you when you went to school that you print well? You did.
When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship.
I used to encourage him to print.
-I'm a good printer.
-I remember your "V.
" It was like a perfect triangle.
-Oh, there's my bus.
-There you go.
-Hello! Wait! -Uncle Leo.
Uncle-- I'm glad you're here.
This can get really boring.
You know where I can get some good olives? -I can find out.
-Would you? Sure.
Oh, a project.
That's a definite signal.
By the way, you look really great in that leotard.
Thanks.
That's no signal.
Who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.
It's weird.
I think I had a dream about you last night.
Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me we have an olive project, that's it.
I'm asking this guy out.
-You know, Greg-- -Can I have a sip of water? -Yeah, sure.
-Thanks.
Oh, my God.
-I'm sorry.
What were you saying? -It was nothing.
Forget it.
See that guy right there? -Yeah.
You mean him? -Yeah.
I caught him urinating in the shower.
I'm thinking about turning him in too.
Honey, could you get me something to drink? -You're right there.
-Come on, I'm sitting.
Honey, what did you do with the can opener? -I didn't do anything with it.
-It's not here.
It was here yesterday.
-It's in the first drawer.
-I'm looking in the first drawer.
-It's not here.
-Yes, it is.
Hey, I'm not stupid.
I'm looking in that drawer.
There's no can opener.
-Did I say you were stupid? -Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer I'm looking, there's no can opener.
What other conclusion could one reach? -You want me to go find it? -Yes, I do.
You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer.
Hello.
I'm sorry.
I'm just fighting with my wife.
Jerry, we just heard.
What's going on? Why didn't you tell us? -Listen, Mom-- -It was in here yesterday.
Yeah.
That's what I said.
Who is she? When did this happened? I told her you'd get married.
She thought you'd never do it.
-Morty, you're talking too loud.
-I'm not.
-You're hurting my eardrum.
-You must've done something with it.
I'm on the phone.
Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name? Mom, I'm not married.
-What? -I'm not married.
I knew it.
I told you.
Uncle Leo said.
I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry cleaning.
A discount on dry cleaning? Could you make a little more noise? I'll have to call you later.
Well, I give up.
Well, whoopee-woo.
-You got any coffee? -Yeah.
Oh, boy.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Take it easy.
Why are you so tired? My quilt is still at the cleaners.
Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt.
The other night I was cold, so last night I turned up the heat, it's too hot.
I opened up a window, it's too cold.
I can't get into the zone.
What is that? That.
I forgot.
I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff.
Yeah.
Me too.
-I love you.
-I love you.
-Well, good night.
-Good night.
They could kick me out if he tells them.
What do you want me to do? -Talk to him.
-How can I do that? You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss.
But then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water.
That doesn't mean anything.
Are you kidding? That's very significant.
If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs.
He'd just crave my germs.
She's right, George.
Bottle-wipe is big.
What about the open-lip kiss? Bottle-wipe supersedes it.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
Maybe he's not interested, but you still know him.
-Can't you just ask him? -George.
But if I ask him now I will have no chance of going out with him.
Why? I don't know.
Could it be because you don't want him to know that your friend pees in the shower? -That's not it.
-I think it is.
-That's exactly what it is.
-Why couldn't you wait? I was there.
I saw a drain.
-Since when is a drain a toilet? -It's all pipes.
-What's the difference? -Different pipes go to different places.
-You're gonna mix them up.
-I'll call a plumber right now.
-Can we just drop the pee-pipes stuff? -Okay.
Okay, okay, I will talk to him.
-Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.
-All right.
-You gotta pick it up.
-I'll pick it up.
-But it's the last time I'm doing it.
-I'm so tired.
-You don't look good.
-Huh? I don't? -No.
You look pale.
-Pale? Oh, my God.
I gotta meet Anna's parents today.
Hello? Hi, honey.
Yes, I told him.
I'll get it.
Whenever.
Okay.
Okay, I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry.
It's not ready yet.
-Not ready? It has to be ready.
What kind of a business are you running here? Who the hell are you? It's not your quilt.
He's a good friend of mine.
He's like an older brother to me.
When things don't go right, he takes it personally.
-Maybe tomorrow.
-Maybe.
It's okay.
It'll be okay.
-I'll see you later.
-Where you going? I gotta meet Anna's parents, remember? I look terrible.
I'm gonna hit the tanning machines.
I can't believe you still do that.
It's bad for you.
That's how I maintain my glow.
-I'm going home.
-Yeah.
-Excuse me.
-Yeah? How much would it cost to clean this? -Oh, about $ 1 3.
-Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that.
Well, I'm sorry.
-Hi, Greg.
-Hey, Elaine.
I'll be off in a second.
Okay.
I got the machine next, buddy.
It's all yours.
What happened? Did he bring it up? Never mind that.
Look at the signal I just got.
Signal? What signal? He knew I'd use it next.
He didn't wipe his sweat off.
That's a gesture of intimacy.
I'll tell you what that is.
That's a violation of club rules.
-Now I got him.
You're my witness.
-Wait a second, George.
Listen.
He knew what he was doing.
This was a signal.
-A guy leaves sweat, that's a signal? -Yes.
It's a social thing.
If he left a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine? You tell him if he's thinking of turning me in -that I got the goods on him.
-No.
I won't be a party to this.
So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination? Okay, I'll talk to him but you're putting me in very a difficult position.
-I can't let you do this.
-I want to.
-But it isn't right.
I can't.
-Give me the clothes.
Jerry, please.
-What about her? -Oh, the hell with her.
I can't.
No, Jerry, please.
I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life.
I can't fight you.
Do you want box or hanger? You decide.
You're really working up quite a sweat today.
Yeah.
Oh, there's the manager.
Good.
I think I'm gonna talk to her about that guy.
We can't have people like that here.
-Are you sure you wanna do that? -Yeah.
He's disgusting.
Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her.
-You're interested in her? -Very.
You know, I'm engaged.
Yep, I'm getting married in 50 years.
Oh, good, there he is.
I wanna be able to point him out.
You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
-Why? -Well, correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it? Oh, I see.
You're friends with the urinator, aren't you? Yeah, well at least he had a drain.
There you go, Mrs.
Seinfeld.
With your 25 percent discount, it comes to $ 1 7.
80.
Here you go.
Excuse me, this isn't mine.
Oh, yes, it is.
Your husband brought it in himself.
Really? Thank you.
That's him.
Hi.
You son of a bitch.
-I'm sorry.
-Who is she? -I want to know who she is.
-It doesn't matter.
I want a divorce.
A divorce? So you can marry her and give her the discount? Yes, that's right.
-What happened to us, Jerry? -I'll tell you what happened.
We got married.
I'm sorry.
This is my fault.
I pushed it on you.
No.
I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.
Goodbye, Jerry.
I forgot.
This is your maple syrup.
It's all right, I want you to have it.
Okay, thanks.
We'll always have pancakes.
Goodbye, Jerry.
I thought you said you was bringing a white boy home.
I don't see a white boy.
I see a damn fool.
To me, the thing about marriage is I can't believe how often it happens.
I like the idea of it, but I can't believe that many people are meeting people that they want to see every single day every day, every day, every day, every day.
That should happen, like, three or four times you know, in the whole century.
Like any major investment, you sign a marriage contract.
Here's your person.
If you're a man, the bride's family pays for the wedding, like getting cash back.
"Till death do us part" that's the extended warranty program.
You give her the ring, that's the keys.
You slide it on, start him up, but you've got to make it work.
Your value drops 20 percent when you drive each other off the lot.