The Golden Girls (1985) s05e17 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Hi, Ma.
What you doing? Thinking.
About what? About wind, water, rocks.
Man's place in the delicate balance of nature's harmony.
Where we're going.
Where the road ends.
Gee, Ma, I never knew you were so philosophical.
I'm not.
It's those damn Infiniti commercials.
They're driving me crazy.
(Rose) Hello! Where is everybody? We're out here, Rose.
Hi.
What's all that? Weight-loss products I have to test for work.
You wouldn't believe the length people go to just to drop a few pounds.
I heard about one woman who even had her jaw wired shut.
Oh.
Is that something that you'll be testing, Rose? Oh, here you all are.
How'd your physical go? Oh, just fine.
The doctor could not believe it when I told him my age.
Why? What age did you tell him? Blanche, what is that thing? She's decided to install a change machine.
Oh, it's, um, it's called a Holter monitor.
It makes a ticker tape of the heart.
What's wrong with your heart? Oh, nothing.
Dr.
Stein just thought it sounded a little irregular.
I think it's 'cause I was so uncomfortable sittin' there topless with a strange man.
Next time, just pretend you're at home and he's the bug guy.
Blanche, what did the doctor say? Oh, he just muttered something in Latin.
I explained to him that Simon and I have been going out every night, and it's just fatigue.
And then what did he say? He wants to match the heartbeats that this records to my activities, so, for the next 24 hours, I have to write down everything I do.
And you're not embarrassed to have him read that smut? I'm proud of you, Blanche.
Boy, if this were me, I would be really scared.
When I'm scared, I put my head between my knees.
That's for nausea.
When I'm scared, I'm nauseous.
You remember what happened when that man tried to steal my purse? Worked better than mace.
Honey, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
Well, anyway, all the same I've gotta get busy writin' down my activities, and I'd better call Simon and cancel our date for tonight.
You know, I'm really starting to care about him, and I wouldn't want him worrying about my recording his performance.
You know how fragile men's egos are.
One little thing like screaming out the wrong name, and they go all to pieces.
Nice pants, Rose.
They're called vacuum slacks.
It's supposed to inhale all the fat from your body.
Watch.
(vacuum whirring) I (vacuum stops) I must've done it wrong.
Maybe I ought to put it on suck.
Oh, hello, ladies.
What'd the doctor say? Oh, bad news.
Oh, what? Oh, he told me he was married.
Besides that, Blanche.
Oh, well He was a little concerned because my pulse was slow and misbehavin'.
Rose, those pants, not with those shoes.
Blanche, the doctor.
You know how they get over the slightest little thing.
And? And Dr.
Worrywart wants me to check into the hospital for more tests.
Dorothy, have you been fooling around with my Tip O'Neill calendar? No, Ma, I haven't.
Come on! I'm missing March.
It's the month where he's playing volleyball with Jesse Helms.
Ma, not now! Blanche's doctor wants her to go back to the hospital for more tests.
It makes sense, just to be on the safe side.
Of course it does.
What kind of doctor would he be if he didn't wanna check out everything? Yeah, well, if it makes him happy.
If everything's as bad as he thinks it is, he wants to put a pacemaker in me.
Everybody's got a nickname for it.
I don't think I've ever been so scared in all my life.
You know what I do when I'm scared? You toss your cookies.
I mean besides that.
I sing.
You what? A lullaby my mother used to sing to me when I was a little girl.
So, when I'm scared or alone, I sing it and it gives me courage.
No song is gonna help me.
Over there Over there Send the word, send the word over there That the Yanks are coming That is the lullaby that your mother sang to you? Well, it was the only song she knew.
During World War I she gave out donuts and coffee to the doughboys before they boarded the trains for Europe.
It works, truly.
She said no one can be scared when they hear that song, except maybe the Kaiser.
I don't need a song.
I just wanna be young and beautiful and healthy again.
Blanche, that's what we all want.
I know, but I deserve it.
How are we feeling, Mrs.
Devereaux? A little nervous.
You really don't need makeup.
Well, I wanna look good just in case.
Just in case what? In case something should go wrong.
I've been to enough funerals to see how they make up dead people.
They look like clowns.
You expect to see a dozen of 'em jump out of one coffin.
Well, nothing will go wrong.
I've done this a hundred times.
You'll be fine in a week.
All we do is cut a small incision below the collarbone, make a little pocket for the pacemaker under the muscle, then feed a tiny wire through the vein and into the heart.
Then the pacemaker gives little electric shocks to the valve which regulates the heartbeat.
You mean you're gonna cut into me? You did know that.
Won't that leave a scar? Two inches, tops.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't have any scars.
See, my clothes are all off-the-shoulder.
Sooner or later.
Sorry.
I have to give this some more thought.
No, no.
We don't have time for that.
Everybody's already washed their hands.
Believe me, it'll be all right.
Is anything wrong? She just realized there's going to be a scar.
It's really just last-minute stage fright.
All my patients have it.
Oh, honey, I'm sure it'll be nothing.
You'll hardly notice it.
That madman wants to rip me open from stem to stern.
Your two favorite parts.
Are we ready? I reckon so.
How do I look? They won't be able to take their eyes off you.
(whimpers) Over there (all) Over there Send the word, send the word over there That the Yanks are coming, the Yanks are coming The drums rum-tumming everywhere Say a prayer, say a prayer Send the word, send the word to beware How's Blanche? She's fine.
She'll be up and back on her back in no time.
Sophia, It's been wonderful watching you take care of Blanche all week.
I feel like a regular hospital worker.
Ah, that's nice.
Yeah.
I just took all the money and jewelry out of her nightstand.
Where's my money, old woman? I knew that would get her up.
I was born to heal.
Here's your money, and your high school ring, class of Give me that.
Oh, Blanche, it's good to see you back to your old self again.
But don't forget the doctor said nothing too strenuous for a few days, then you'll be fine.
I am not back to my old self.
As a matter of fact, I may never be.
What are you talking about? I know this sounds crazy, and if it hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't believe it either, but while I was being operated on, I had an out-of-body experience.
I was floating, looking down at myself.
I-it was like it was like Like the mirror on your bedroom ceiling? It was like I was my own conscience.
That's when I knew things were different.
Different how? I was in that gray area between life and death.
The time has come for me to re-evaluate my life, for me to take stock of myself.
I just know that there's a part of me that nobody's ever seen.
I find that hard to believe.
If a 5,000-year-old Indian shows up, tell him I wanna know more about his people.
Hey, Dorothy, guess who's on Johnny Carson tonight? Who? Johnny Carson.
Must be the anniversary show.
Rose, what's that supposed to be? A flab stimulator.
You hook these things to your muscles.
They give out an electric charge and help get rid of unwanted fat deposits.
Does it come in a hat? Where's Blanche? She's out on a date with Simon.
It's her first time out, so who knows when she'll be home? Checkout time is usually noon.
You know, Blanche has been without a date for weeks.
I know that because all the pictures on my wall are straight.
Hey, it's never easy to go without.
I remember when my mother-in-law came to stay with Sal and me when we were first married.
For two months your father and I didn't have sex.
Why not, Ma? She slept in between us.
It was a very small place.
Have you ever seen an Italian after he's gone without? Hm, no.
That's because your father was the only one.
She finally left, didn't she, Sophia? Yeah.
I'll never forget that day.
Your father stayed home from work.
Unfortunately, I couldn't get the day off.
I don't know what he did, but he was happy when I got home.
Since Charlie was a traveling salesman, sometimes I'd be alone for weeks.
I used to have so much trouble sleeping, I tried counting sheep.
Rose, if there are real sheep in this story, I do not wanna hear it.
OK.
(giggling) Oh, hi.
Oh, Simon.
Good to see you again.
How have you been? A little lonely, but I'm better now.
Oh, that's sweet.
I cannot believe how much I've missed this little girl.
This guy is growing antlers.
I guess I'd better say goodnight.
I had a very nice time.
You mean, uh, our date is over? Well, we went to dinner and a movie.
Wh-what's left? I never know.
I'm sorry.
I-I'm just not ready yet.
You understand.
Of course, as long as it's my only choice.
I've had a life-altering experience, Simon.
I need time to think, to gather my priorities and put 'em all in perspective.
Whatever you need.
I'll call you tomorrow? Sure.
You're not upset, are you? No, no, no.
Boy, what a beautiful night.
Think I'll push the car home.
Your date is over? You sound surprised.
Well, it's just that your dates usually end with a little pillow talk.
Yeah, like, "What did you say your name was again?" I would've expected my three best friends to understand that I'm just not ready yet.
But, Blanche, the doctor said you could do everything you did before.
That's all very well for him to say.
The doctor's not me.
Blanche, what are you saying? I've made a decision.
Blanche Devereaux has given up sex.
And what does that do to the morale of our boys overseas? Good news, girls.
I've gained four pounds.
How is that good news? Well, it means that all those weight-loss products don't work.
Now, to lose those four pounds I guess I'll have to go on a sensible diet that I know gets results - the St.
Olaf "I can't believe this is cheese" diet.
How does it work? You eat nothing but rice.
Good morning, ladies.
Dorothy, a Popsicle-stick purse for you.
Sophia, a Popsicle-stick potpourri box, and for you, Rose, two lovely Popsicle-stick earrings.
So, Blanche, how are we enjoying our celibacy? Oh, just let me get a Popsicle.
I'll be right with you.
Blanche, I'm worried.
That's all you've been living on for two weeks.
Well, if I don't eat the Popsicle, how am I gonna get to the stick? I'm glad you found a hobby, but, uh, I don't think Blanche Devereaux is going to be happy making things out of Popsicle sticks instead of making love.
Oh, I don't care about that anymore.
I don't care about anything anymore.
Life has no meaning.
So, who's for popcorn? I don't know what to expect of myself with this thing in me.
I just keep remembering how you're not supposed to overload electrical outlets.
Maybe you just shouldn't make love when you're wet.
It was not an easy decision, but it's best that I retire from the sexual arena undefeated.
Time I hung up my gloves.
Gloves? Boy, you do practice safe sex.
Sex is only good when your heart is in it, and that's the one organ I can't count on.
Oh, now, come on, Blanche.
You don't know that.
If that's the way you feel, maybe you should tell Simon so that he'll know where he stands.
For the last two weeks, he's been standing with his legs crossed.
I will.
I'll tell him tonight.
I can't believe it.
Blanche has gone without for two weeks.
I mean, that's like Raymond Burr saying, "No gravy.
" What do you think is the matter with her? Maybe when she had that out-of-body experience, she didn't get back in all the way.
Try to discuss science with kids.
Um I wanna thank you for a lovely evening.
I didn't think you noticed.
You hardly said a word all evening.
Where are the other girls? Oh, they all went out to a movie.
Simon, that's why I wanted to come back here.
I wanted us to be alone.
Ooh, baby.
What? Um Here.
I don't really know how to say this.
I never thought I'd ever be sayin' this in my wildest dreams, and you know just how wild they can get.
What I'm trying to tell you, Simon The last time we made love was the last time.
I guess it's just lucky that we took those snapshots.
What are you talking about? I am giving up the physical side of my life.
After what I've been through, I cannot trust myself to climb the heights of passion anymore, 'cause I can't be sure of ever gettin' back again.
I know you have to be concerned about the pacemaker.
Wouldn't you be? Blanche, everyone I know over 50 over 40 has a pacemaker.
They all lead perfectly normal lives in every way, Blanche.
But this is in me.
Oh, Simon, for the first time in my life I'm I'm just scared of intimacy.
Maybe this is my fault.
Maybe I've been pushing you.
It's not you.
Blanche, you're the same person that you always were.
You have to believe that.
Oh, I-I want to, Simon, and I have tried, but I can't.
Darling, this is not the time for your vivid imagination to give out on us.
Goodbye, Simon.
(sighs) Well, if you're gonna kiss me off, I want my kiss.
Are you all right? I think so.
I don't feel any sparks.
Well, in this instance I'll take that as a compliment.
I am a little hot, but it's nothing I can't handle.
What did you expect to happen? I don't know.
I just kept seeing those cartoon characters with the smoke coming out of their ears.
I don't see anything.
Listen.
There's a great big old television set back in my bedroom.
What do you say we go in there and turn it off? Long as you understand I can't make any promises.
If you'll be brave, I'll be brave.
Ma, I said I was sorry.
The least you can do when we're gonna see a movie is say it's a foreign film.
What is the big deal? I had to stand at the front of the screen all that running back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me.
Wasn't that Simon's car parked out front? Are you sure? Blanche? She's not in here.
Maybe she had trouble with her pacemaker, and since we weren't here, she called him.
Oh, my God.
(Blanche) Over there Over there No, I said over there! Send the word, send the word over there