Bob's Burgers s05e18 Episode Script

My birthday.
Boy Ah.
Oh.
I can't even say it to myself.
Forty-f Forty-f Oh.
Maybe I'll sleep through this one.
Mom! Are you up yet? We may or may not have a surprise for you.
We're coming in! Put your boobs away.
Excuse me, young lady, we're looking for our mother, to serve her breakfast in bed on her birthday.
Yeah, we don't mean to bother you.
You're obviously in the middle of a photo shoot, 'cause you're a youthful supermodel.
Guys, this is Mom.
What?! Oh! Happy birthday, Mom! Happy toast, eggs and orange juice, pretty mom! Thank you, kids.
It's lovely.
The best part of my birthday is my babies bringing me breakfast in bed every year.
Ah-ah-ah, not so fast.
There might be more this year.
Oh.
Okay, "add a drop of witch hazel to the egg whites for even tighter, smoother skin.
" Don't have witch hazel, but how about vinegar? Same thing.
Maybe.
Linda is gonna love this.
"You're right, Bob.
You're the best husband.
" Thank you, vinegar.
I'm glad witch hazel's not here.
Oh.
Oh, the toast is a little burnt.
Yep, just the way you like it.
Oh, and hard.
Burnt and hard.
Every year I say, "Why does she like it this way?" But then I say, "Hey, make it the way she likes it.
" Kids, I could use a little help in here.
But we like to watch her graze, Dad.
Go on, I'm good.
Maybe bring me some new toast! Stir until frothy.
That's subjective.
Kids, does this look frothy to you? Mm I've seen frothier.
What is that, egg whites? Mostly.
And vinegar.
Gene, would you slice up that cucumber? On it.
And, Tina, can you do this? A mayonnaise hair treatment? Mom's hair is gonna shine like a beautiful sandwich.
Why is home spa day so delicious? Oh, Louise, and can you just clean up this mess? What?! You're the youngest.
I'm also the worst at cleanup.
Look.
Gene, after you're done with the cucumbers, clean up.
No.
Tina, after you do the hair treatment, can you clean up? Okay.
Can I come out now? Not yet, Lin! What? How about now? Almost! Now? Not really close at all, sorry.
Oh Well, did you happen to get milk yesterday? Huh? No, I forgot.
I was preoccupied with something That I think you're gonna like! That's nice, but somebody has to do the shopping! I'll do it this afternoon! Okay, I'm getting a little cabin fever in here.
What if I go to the store and do our shopping while you guys do whatever you're doing that I don't know about? Stay in there! Don't make us chain you up! Actually, that could work out perfectly.
We could use the extra time.
What? I'm gonna blindfold her.
Double-bag the head.
Ow.
Doing good.
Ow.
Little to the left.
Ow! Louise! I-I said to your left.
Ow.
Ow.
And we're here.
Ugh.
Why'd I have to be blindfolded? 'Cause you're a sneaky peeky.
Hey, take your time, Lin.
Uh, treat yourself.
Go to the good store.
You mean the one that's further away? Yeah! The good store? Get the premium fudge pops! Don't you come home without them! Yeah, for your birthday.
Right, happy birthday! See you when you get back! - Bye.
- Oh, and can you get more mayonnaise? We're out and I need it today.
But not for a surprise.
Just, um, 'cause I need it.
Okay, Tina.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
It was nice, Ginger.
It was nice, as always.
But then they wanted me to stay in my room forever while they set something else up.
I was going crazy in there! Meanwhile, no one did the shopping, so that's what I'm doing.
Ugh, chalk festival.
What's next, a crayon convention? A pencil parade? Right? Anyway, I know my family means well, but I wish I could just tell them I hate my birthday.
You get to a certain age and they're no fun.
In my 20s, I had va va voom, now I just have va va.
And it feels like breakfast in bed is just practice now for when they put me in a home, right? Well, anyway, thanks for letting me vent, Ginger.
Sorry for the long voice mail.
Call me when you can.
Love you, kid.
Bye.
This is taking forever.
I can help whoever's next on check stand three! Oh, great.
Thank you.
Uh, hey, excuse me! He said whoever's next.
That's me.
I'm next in line.
You were behind me, 'member? You were just over there Oh, it's okay.
I only have a few things.
This and that and this other thing.
A few things? She's got a cart full of juice.
Deirdre! How's it going? Hi! Oh, my God, they know each other.
Is all of this for "Chalk of the Town"? Yeah, we're hoping for a bigger turnout this year.
Ugh, that stupid chalk festival.
I'm not sure about these cups though.
Mm, good instinct.
Since you brought it up, these are not the good cups.
What? Tell me everything.
They leak.
I don't know why I even sell them.
We have better cups for the same price.
The ones on the bottom shelf, ironically.
Well, clearly I got to have those cups.
Go get them.
I'll wait for you.
Oh, thanks.
I'm here till 3:00, I don't care.
Unbelievable.
Oh, and you might want to grab some more ice, too.
- It's a hot one.
- Good idea! She'll just be a second.
You don't mind, right? Great, thanks.
So, you're not done yet.
Let's take a look at this receipt, see how much you saved today.
Oh, gosh, yes.
Oh, my God, please! Just end this! We're not getting any younger over here! Well, don't blame us for that.
Anyway, thanks again for the tip on the cups.
Hey, no problem.
Let me know how they work out.
Nice, uh, chalking with you.
Oh-ho-ho, you! Finally! You sure you guys are done? Hold on.
I have to put these old cups back.
Stupid birthday.
I hate cups.
Nuts! Old flower petals from Mort's? Check.
That's great, Tina.
We'll spread them from the front door into the bathroom to the tub.
Huh.
Hmm.
Huh.
Yeah.
That's, like, six six petals.
Yeah, not a lot of funerals this month.
Mort said to check back around the holidays.
Maybe just one in the hallway, one in the doorway, and then one at the tub? Yeah.
Well, we could get some branches.
Yeah, I don't I'm not sure that will have the same impact.
Hmm.
Okay, well, just float those in the tub.
That'll still be nice.
And here's my New Age relaxation CD.
A lady having a garage sale forced me to take it.
That's pretty relaxing, I guess.
Is is that whales? I think it's the saddest whale.
This isn't that bad, you guys.
I think we may have actually pulled this together.
I mean, I know your mom, and she's really gonna like this.
This could end up being a pretty decent birthday.
Pretty decent birthday? More like best birthday! Best birthday? Best day of her life! Oh, mm Oh, come on! Aw, gum? Ew! Damn it! Wha oh! No, no, no, no, no, no! I hate my birthday! Hi.
Me again.
Uh, I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if I could use your phone to call my husband.
Mm, I'm sorry.
Our phone is for employees only.
It's an emergency! Locking your keys in your car is not an emergency.
What? You can't check into a hospital with a bad case of "you locked your keys in your car.
" You know what? Fine.
I'll ask to borrow someone's cell phone.
No harassing our customers.
Did you know your pants are ripped? Yes! Uh, excuse me, sir, can I borrow your cell phone? I locked my keys in my car, and I got to call my husband.
Uh, I don't, uh, have a cell phone.
You don't? What's that right there? What's that? I don't know.
I got to go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, come back! I'm a good person! Hmm.
Your mom's not picking up her phone.
Um, let me try Aunt Gayle.
Hi, Gayle, it's Bob.
Uh, have you heard from Linda today? Yes, I know it's her birthday, Gayle.
I just don't know where she is.
Yeah calm down, Gayle.
I-I'm sure she's fine.
Gayle, pull yourself Gayle.
Gayle! Gayle! Oh, my God, there she is.
Hi, Linda.
Uh, Gayle, she just walked in.
She's fine, she looks great.
Call you back later.
Bye.
You know Mom's not really here, right? Yes, Tina.
Because you said she was you saw her.
I know, but I was Forget it.
Were you lying? All right.
Yes.
Listen, your mom probably just ran out of gas or something.
I'll call Teddy and see if he can drive us out to the store.
Wow.
Going to the store with Teddy? Happy birthday to us.
Hi.
Hi.
I know I look a little crazy, but I'm having a rough day.
Uh-huh.
It's my birthday Happy birthday! and I locked my keys and my cell phone in my car at the grocery store.
Oh! The worst.
Yeah.
And I'm just trying to get home.
Does this bus go to the wharf? You're in luck, yes! Oh! Please take me.
I swear I will pay you the fare once I get it from my apartment.
Please.
Okay.
Come on up.
Oh! Oh, thank God.
Thank you! Ha.
Finally, something's going right.
You won't regret this.
Wait, wait, wait, where you going? The wharf is the other way! This is the express to Wildwood Wharf.
What wharf did you think? Wonder Wharf! The one I was pointing at! I just thought you were a bad pointer.
Pull over so I can get off.
I can't pull over; We're on the highway.
You'll have to wait until we get to our next stop.
Oh, my God.
Uh, well, I guess I'll just get on the next bus going the other way, right? That'd be me on my way back.
Oh! Shouldn't be more than an hour and a half.
Might as well just stay on.
Hey, we can play the alphabet game! An hour and a half? Oh.
I'll just walk back.
Fine, we'll play till the next stop.
There's an "A" on that sign.
I'm winning.
There's a "B.
" You're falling behind! I got two! It's gonna be fun.
Ugh, those poor fudge pops.
They don't stand a chance.
They'll refreeze though, right? Right?! Sure they will, but they'll be in weird shapes.
Ugh, super weird.
Yeah.
Where are you, Mom?! Okay, she's not in the store, but she definitely was.
The checker did not like her.
That was clear.
How could you tell? It was clear.
What do you mean? He said so.
He hated her.
He said he hate "I hated" "your wife.
" Huh.
But he did say he thinks she took off walking.
And we didn't see her on the drive here, so she must have walked in a different way? We'll never find her! There are dozens of ways to walk home! And dozens of women walking! How will we know which one is her? I'm already forgetting what she looks like.
She's a woman.
I think she's tall.
Does she have glasses? I can't remember.
Yes! Yes, she does.
All right, let's focus, okay? She has a hook for a hand! I'm sure of it! Gene, no.
Okay, so if I'm gonna walk it, I could cut through that way? You're pointing at me.
Where did you learn to point? No, I'm pointing through you.
But it's at me.
The other side of the Oh, behind me? Well, that makes a lot more sense.
Yeah, no, that's where you want to walk.
Okay, thanks, Andrew.
Bye, Linda.
Bye.
Okay, bye, Linda.
Happy birthday.
Beep-beep.
That's me; The horn doesn't work.
Bye.
Well, this is the only other street your mom could've taken.
Where is she? We got to find her.
Every minute we're not with her, she's having a worse and worse birthday.
She must have stopped somewhere, but where would she go? Is Chaka Khan in town? Nope, she doesn't come through till December.
Mom probably got hungry.
She needs to eat every 15 minutes or she becomes a monster.
But she doesn't have any money.
She locked her purse in the car.
Oh, Devendorf's Bakery.
They're really generous with their samples.
Mom and I go there a lot.
You do? Well, it's actually been a while.
We're both worried about bathing suit season.
I guess it's worth a try.
To Devendorf's Bakery! To free samples! Ugh, mud.
Okay, Linda.
Try to look on the bright side.
How often do you get to walk through a field? It's kind of neat.
Look around.
It's a nice day.
Oh, here's a pretty flower.
Oh! Oh, God, uh-oh, it's skunk.
Oh, he's sleeping.
Just gonna tiptoe away and not bother you.
Oh, God! Oh, my face! Oh, God, that stupid skunk! Nocturnal idiot! Whoa! Oh, for the love of Pete! I can still see out of one side.
Sort of.
What's that black fuzzy thing? Oh, you little skunk! So this is where you go with your mom, huh? Yeah, now let me do the talking.
You just look cute.
Hey, you, long time no see.
How's the pumpernickel today? Dry? Better try a sample.
Hello, uh, I'm looking for my wife.
She's got black hair and red glasses.
And amazing wrists, but huge hands.
Teddy.
What? I'm just trying to be specific.
You mean her? Yes.
Wait, why do you have a photo of Wait, what does that say on the picture? It says "Do not feed.
" What? Do not feed.
Your wife was abusing our free sample policy.
She hasn't been in here since we posted the photo.
She's been coming here without me? What did that guy do? He wants his crusts cut off.
What did she do? She touches everything.
Everything.
What did he do? He's really racist.
What did that baby do? He's just a jerk.
Okay, fine.
Thank you.
Uh, we're leaving.
Kids, let's go.
You know, maybe don't give out free samples and then get mad at people when they eat them.
Well, you know, unfortunately, we can't bake enough in a day to fill your wife's giant hands.
There's only so much pumpernickel in the world.
What did you say? Oh-ho, you poor dumb baker.
Here comes the thunder.
Guess what? No one talks about Hey.
My wife's giant hands - Easy.
- On her birthday! Except for Teddy, because All right he also complimented her wrists! And this pumpernickel is dry! And a little dirty.
Please give me a ride! - I locked my keys in my car - Oh, God, go, go! And I got on the wrong bus and it's my birthday! All right, let's all think.
Where else could your mom have possibly gone between the grocery store and home? Okay, okay, I'm Mom.
I'm walking around, I'm singing.
She stopped to poop! Of course! Why didn't I think of that? We should check the bathroom in the lobby of the Royal Oyster Hotel.
Why that one? It's Mom's favorite.
What? So that's what Mom means when she says she's going to shuck an oyster.
Oh, my God.
I want to see this bathroom.
I could go.
Let's go to the Royal Oyster Hotel.
Should we call ahead to let them know we'll all be pooping? Oh, like you guys smell so good.
Uh, turns out it was just number one.
Thank you, Teddy.
Not for me.
I hit a grand slam.
Really good job, Gene.
Thank you.
No Mom.
But they did get a new potpourri.
Mom's gonna love it.
Excuse me, are you guests of the hotel? No, uh, we're, uh, we're we're just looking for my wife.
She sometimes comes here to use the restroom.
Oh, Linda? You must be Bob! Yes.
Wait, y-you know her? Well, as much as you can know a woman who comes to your hotel once or twice a week to poop.
Hey, isn't it her birthday today? Uh, yes.
Hey, Tim.
Have you seen Linda today? Oh, please, it's barely noon.
She does her B.
M.
in the p.
m.
Hi, Tim.
Hey, Tina How you doing, girl? Huh, well, she's not here, so we better go.
What? No, stay a little.
We finally get to meet you after all these years.
Years? Where does the time go? We-we really got to find my wife.
Nice meeting you though.
Bye.
Bye.
Say hi to Linda for me.
Tell her we got new potpourri.
She was absolutely right.
Uh, will do.
Just four more blocks.
Oh, God, this thing? Welcome to Chalk of the Town.
Oh, God, it's you.
Oh, you and your dumb cups.
What happened? Oh, you smell.
It's been a rough morning, Deirdre.
What is that, some sort of street diaper? You're a street diaper.
No, you're the street diaper.
No, you! Okay, you're the one actually wearing a street diaper, so if anyone is a street diaper, it's you.
Step aside, street diaper.
I'm going through.
Oh, not without a ticket, I'm afraid.
Well, I'm afraid it's a public street, so get out of my way.
You should have been nicer at the grocery store and maybe I would.
Uh-oh! Your cups are spilling! What are you do Oh, my God.
I guess these weren't the good ones after all.
Oh, don't! Stop! No! My chalksterpiece! Do not move.
Just carefully step off.
What is this? It's the story of America, and you're scuffing it up, you hag! Hag?! Yep.
You know what I think? I think I'm gonna do a little twist.
No.
No.
A little twist and shout.
No! Don't you do it.
A twist a twisty shout.
How-how about the Charleston? I'm gonna Charleston on your face! Come back here! I'm gonna get you! Help! She's crazy! Get back here! She's destroying the art! No, I'm not! You're the one stepping all over everything! Sorry, sorry! Ooh, good manhole! Ooh, space! Hi, aliens! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Damn it! Wow.
People are very divided on your mom.
Where is she? Does this town have cults? Maybe she joined one of those.
I might know a place where she could be.
Where? She's probably not there.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Let's definitely not go.
Well, she's not here.
Let's call it.
Wait, Louise, you and your mom come here? Used to come.
To pet the puppies? No.
I guess.
I don't know; I've never even come inside the store.
I'm always outside just pitching pennies, breaking bottles, you know, being a hoodlum.
Hey, Louise, I thought that was you.
Oh, hi, Robert.
Want me to get out Colonel Fluffles again? He missed you.
Hi, Louise, how you doing? Oh, God, don't make eye contact.
He's reeling me in.
Colonel Fluffles! You're so Someone comes to the pet store with Mom.
I'm beginning to think my secret bathroom trips with Mom aren't as fun as what you guys do.
Uh, he's getting old.
I'm just a puppy.
Well, he's got cloudy eyes this time.
Yeah, I know, his eyes are a little But I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
I'm a scrapper.
Oh, he looks lumpier than last time.
I'm a little bit lumpy, but that's just more to love.
Yes, that is.
Want to say hi to Uncle Feathers? All right! Did it just say "all right"? All right! Wow.
Your mom leads a rich, kind of odd life that I did not know about.
Bobby, does this parrot make me look cool? Oh, crap.
I just realized, if Linda gets home, she can't get in.
She doesn't have her keys.
One of us should have stayed behind.
Not it.
Gene, it's too late.
N-Never mind.
Let's go.
Ha! Ha! Ha-ha! I did it! I actually made it home.
Bob! Kids! Let me in! Mommy's home! It's the birthday girl! Where are they? Aah! Ooh.
Aah! Not gonna let this birthday win.
Yes! I win! Son of a bitch.
Ha! Ha-ha! Whoa! Mom? Lin? Happy Spa Day.
That's me.
You sure it was only one skunk, Mom? No, it was two, or it was the same guy twice.
Mom, is it cool if I dip my grilled cheese in your tomato bath? Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah! So, wait, what color were the horses again? Just plain brown, I guess.
Yes.
Lin, I got to tell you, I learned some new things about you today.
Stuff I didn't know.
Stuff I respect, kind of, and I'm glad to say, after all these years, I'm still finding little surprises.
Also, I wrote all of that in your birthday card.
See? Oh, yeah.
Aw.
Yep, I did that.
But sorry your birthday was horrible, Lin.
Hey, don't be sorry.
This was the best birthday ever.
What? Yeah.
I kicked this day's butt.
I still got it.
I think I might even be getting better.
I want this to be the new tradition.
Every year on my birthday, you blindfold me and you drop me off somewhere with no cell phone and no money, and I have to make my way home.
Deal! Now let's Bloody Mary up this tub! It's Mommy's birthday! - Gene, grab the vodka! - All right.
On it! B.
M.
in the p.
m.
She does a B.
M.
in the p.
m.
Not number one, number two It's a potpourri for you and me, yeah She does a B.
M.
in the p.
m.
You gotta When she gotta go, yeah B.
M.
in the p.
m.
She gotta go, yeah, when she gotta go, yeah B.
M.
in the p.
m.
She gotta go, yeah 'Cause when she gotta go, she gotta go She does a B.
M.