Roseanne s05e18 Episode Script

[man, on television.]
[Bob Barker.]
$575.
What is this, the price is wrong? Lower! Lower! Hundreds of dollars lower, you idiot! Yeah, I mean, where does she shop for jukeboxes? Lower! Higher! Lower, you mouth-breathing pinhead! Lower! Higher! Well, look at that.
If it wasn't for unemployment And bomb threats called into the school, The two of you would have no quality time together.
Shh.
Time for the showcase showdown.
Oh, take the second showcase.
Everybody knows the first one sucks.
God, i'd be so good on this show, Dan.
And they always pick people just like me-- You know, real cute and bubbly-like.
That's why I picked you, mommy.
Oh, man, get the hose.
So how'd your interview go? Guess.
Uh, you got the job and it pays great? Lower.
You got the job and it don't pay great.
Lower.
You went berserk and killed the interviewer, And now you're gonna be on America's Most Wanted.
Higher.
You didn't get the job.
Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding! Hey, Rosie.
Hi.
Hi, Dan.
Hey, Darlene, cool bomb threat, huh? I got a favor to ask.
We're gonna take this little trip, And I was wondering if you guys'd watch the house.
[Roseanne.]
sure.
What are neighbors for? Where you headed? Well, we're taking the motor home To Branson, Missouri, The country music capital of the world.
Man, you guys are so lucky.
We never get to go anyplace.
We ought to pack up our truck And go over to your house.
Nah.
It would just be too hard to unwind when we got back.
Darlene, if you're going in the kitchen, Why don't you and Ty make a list Of things for D.
J.
To do? Hey, Ty, yeah, you might as well go ahead And kill your pets and your plants now.
[sigh.]
okay, well, you want to talk about it? Oh, honey, I ain't no damn good at these interviews.
I get too nervous.
The guy asked me if I had any hobbies.
I panicked and said, "drinking.
" Well, you know what they say, Dan-- Looking for a job is the hardest job you'll ever have.
You're right.
I need a vacation.
That's not a bad idea.
Let's do it.
Oh, honey, I can't run away from my problems.
You sure can.
Your problems are here.
We'll just go someplace else.
It's easy.
Come on.
It's not like we all don't deserve it.
[snobbish.]
well, as long as it's not Europe again.
Well, actually, I was thinking about someplace That's really, really warm, And where knowing the price of cheerios Can get you a brand-new car.
That's crazy, honey.
We can't afford to go to California.
Why not? Ty's going.
No, he's not.
Give me a minute.
So, Ty, I guess You're gonna pack up a lot of your warmest clothes To go down to Branson there, Since it's real cold there this time of year.
It's no colder than here.
Well, how come you didn't think of, like, you know, Going to California, where it's really warm, you know? And they got really cool stuff there, Like Disneyland and the Crystal Cathedral And Bob Barker.
You know, Charlotte and I begged him to go there, Not stupid Branson.
Well, I think you girls Would probably like it in Branson, 'cause there's a lot of, you know, musicians down there, And they have their days free, And they'd probably really like Making little friends like you.
Yeah, I wouldn't let my daughters go there, But hey, that's just me.
Hey, I read that Jerry Lee Lewis lives down there.
Look, guys, I got nothing against California, Necessarily, But it's just too far for me to drive all by myself.
[all.]
California, here I come right back where we started from open up your golden gate california here we come [laughing.]
You feeling any better, Ty? Oh, I don't know.
I think I ate something real bad.
Well, it's your own fault.
It's not like truck stops are known for their clams.
Give the guy a break, Roseanne.
You've been known to play a little seafood roulette In your day.
See food? [groans.]
Hang on there, Ty.
Deej, don't bother Ty.
Go up front and bother your dad for a while.
Hey, son.
Hey.
What kind of bug was that? I don't know, Deej.
Did we hit it or did it fly into us? I'm not sure, son.
He did seem kind of depressed before he hit the windshield.
What's that? That's the air conditioner switch.
[air blowing.]
Okay, Deej, go back and bother your mom for awhile.
Mom, can you make me a tuna sandwich? I lost my other one.
Darlene, could you get me another can of tuna Out of the cupboard, please? Now, let's see.
Which one's the cupboard, which one's the den? Hurry up, i'm starving.
D.
J.
, do you mind? I'm working on three inches of formica here.
Gotta finish this and Darlene's salad, Jackie's grilled cheese and your dad's bologna sandwich.
Hey, skip the bologna.
I'll take some of that tuna.
I've gotta use up the bologna, Dan, Otherwise d.
J.
Will have no place to sleep.
Hey, you know what I feel like? Some hot cocoa.
Can we have some hot cocoa? [everyone agrees in unison.]
No, no cocoa.
Geez, what kind of a vacation is this for me? All you've done is take everything I do at home And just put it on wheels.
Well, hop sing quit.
You in charge now.
Great, now one of us has to make lunch.
Why don't you two flip for it? Charlotte will do it.
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
She just tells you to do something and you do it? Well, I don't really mind.
I mean, I do this stuff at home all the time.
Let me explain something to you, Charlotte.
You're the older sister.
That means you get to treat her like garbage.
It's your birthright.
Yeah, but that's not how this family works.
No, that's how all families work.
Becky got to treat me bad, I got to take it out on D.
J.
, And d.
J.
Gets to take it out on society as a whole.
I think i'm going to go see if dad wants some tea.
I can't believe this.
You two are so screwed up.
We are not.
Oh, please, why do you think she eats so much And you'll sleep with any guy who gives you a little attention? Go shove it, Darlene.
Where the hell do you get so much insight? Trust me.
I know.
Well, everybody's all wedged in for the night.
So cute the way Darlene falls asleep With her hands around D.
J.
's neck.
Isn't this great, honey? Just you and me on the open road? Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Look at all those little houses out there.
You ever wonder what kind of people live there And what they're doing right now? I know what they're doing right now.
They're wondering why the hell they bought houses So damn close to the freeway.
You know who lives in those houses? People just like us.
Each one of those little houses has its own Becky and Darlene.
Its own D.
J.
How come they still get to have a Becky? I guess their little bike shops are doing well.
Boy, stuff sure has changed, hasn't it? Remember that big plan I worked out When we first got married? Yeah.
What was that again? I think it was, "we'll get by.
" Oh, yeah.
What ever happened to that? Hey, come on, we're doing okay.
You've got your restaurant now.
It's doing good.
Making money.
Let's have a baby.
What? Are you serious? Since when do you want to have another kid? Well, I was just thinking about how much fun it was When the kids were little.
Yeah, but then they get big, remember? I'm not getting burned on that deal again.
So what are you saying? We're never gonna have any more children? Maybe I am.
Are you the only one that can decide that? You got a uterus? Well, that's pretty damn unfair.
I don't see why we can't do this.
Kids take money, Dan, okay? And we don't have that much of it.
If we did, you think we'd be driving cross-country With our neighbor's toilet? Hey, when we had our first kid, things were tough.
We didn't have any trouble making that decision.
We didn't make that decision, Dan.
Jose cuervo did.
What a coincidence.
He's the same guy that proposed to you.
Glad you're feeling better.
I don't think i'da gotten through it without you.
Oh, all you needed was a little TLC.
You drive real good.
Thanks, I used to do this professionally.
I can tell.
I keep watching your eyes, And they never leave the road.
They are so brown.
Thanks.
[laughs.]
It's funny, isn't it? Traveling around in a motor home? I mean, this is the first time I ever spent the night with a woman That I didn't actually date first.
That's funny.
It is.
That is funny.
Could we get some drinks up here? I got it.
Boy, I think my dad and your aunt Jackie Are really hitting it off.
Wouldn't it be bizarre if they got married? Yeah, then we'd be cousins and we live next door to each other So we could share clothes and talk on the phone And do each other's hair.
Die, dwarf.
Who wants more peas? You mean some more baby peas? Some of those cute little baby peas? I'd love some more baby peas.
I mean, even though you're done, That doesn't mean I don't want any more baby peas.
You know, i'd like some more baby peas.
Well, you'll have baby peas when I tell you You're good and ready to have baby peas.
All right, then, carrots.
What the hell are we talking about? Nothing.
Hey, Deej.
[gasps.]
Oh, hi, vic.
Oh my god, who the hell are you? I met him at the last truck stop.
I let him use our bathroom, And I guess I forgot he was in there.
D.
J.
, what were you thinking? You guys got any tobacco? Jackie, pull over.
We gotta let somebody out.
No, no, wait a minute.
We can't just dump him in the middle of the desert.
Where you headed, buddy? Anywhere over the border would be fine.
Jackie, pull over.
Was just a joke.
Oh, you're out of here, buddy.
Hold on, i'm gonna check his bag.
Make sure he didn't take anything.
You better hope you're clean, mister.
Well, how do we compare to other families you've killed? You know, ma'am, you might not believe this, But I used to be just like you people.
Oh yeah, I had a family, wife, kids, home.
Whole deal.
Then I lost my job, wife took the kids.
Things started going to hell, and I find myself here.
Gee, Ty, why don't you go ahead and start driving for a while.
Got it.
I don't think it would hurt nothing To have you ride with us for a little bit.
Can I get you something to eat? Well, yeah, i'd appreciate that.
Do you know where your family is now? Nah, I was lying about the family and the job.
My problem's always been the liquor and the pills.
Ty, pull over the next exit.
He's getting out.
He's clean, Roseanne.
Very well organized.
Well, putting 8 people in a 20-foot space together For 5 days seemed like a good idea.
What went wrong? Well, for one thing, You've put me in a motor home with a man Who hasn't had a woman in 15 years.
Jackie, can you just keep your distance from him? It's not like I don't try.
Y'know, yesterday I almost lost him at the sink.
Just deal with it, okay? I have my own problems.
Like, for instance, dan's driving me crazy About having another kid.
Oh, this is great.
You're gonna have four kids before I even have one.
Well, for your information, I'm thinking about getting a cat.
Well, I didn't say I was gonna do it.
'course, I didn't say I wasn't Gonna do it, either.
What's that mean? Well, i'm thinking about it, you know.
I've got a whole bunch of experience.
Boy, i'd do things different this time.
Like, for instance, I wouldn't teach this kid to talk.
You really think you should do this? Jackie, look at the three kids i've already raised.
Don't I deserve a shot at a good one? Well, good news.
I called home and nobody answered.
Everything okay at the diner? That's the better news.
You know that job you didn't get? You got it.
The guy left a message at the diner That their first choice fell through.
Congratulations, honey.
You're second best.
That's great.
Yeah, and it's steady drywall work With medical benefits and everything So now we can finally afford to get One of them expensive illnesses we talked about.
And I was thinking since we'll have two incomes, That maybe i'll talk about that baby thing you want.
I'm not taking the job, Roseanne.
What do you mean you're not taking the job? Just what I said.
I'm not taking the job.
Here you've been dragging around the house For a whole month complaining how you ain't got no work, Then you start with that baby talk And get my eggs all in an uproar.
You are taking that job, Dan.
I'm not taking the job just 'cause you want a baby.
I want a baby? You're the one that started the whole baby thing.
I don't want a baby anymore.
Oh, well, i'm glad that you made up your mind Before somebody said here comes the head.
I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay? Let's drop it.
Well, I do.
I said let's drop it! What the hell's wrong with you? Why the hell did you say you wanted to have a baby? I don't know.
Maybe I thought having a baby would make me happy.
I could have just as easily said A new car or a pool table.
Maybe I just needed something to look forward to.
What, and getting paid to be out of the house Eight hours a day isn't enough for ya? Not drywall.
Well, you don't have to do it forever.
You could just do it until something better comes along.
There's guys there that have been doing the same thing For 30 years waiting for something better To come along.
I lose my bike shop, The first thing I do is go back to drywall.
Yeah, well, what do you really want to do? Roseanne, there's a theme here.
I don't know.
Dan, you're scaring me.
You think you're scared? Well, wherever it is that you don't know Where the hell you're going to, You know that i'm right there behind ya.
Thanks.
Still want to have a baby? I don't know, now you've got me Thinking about a pool table.
God, I can't believe it, Dan.
You didn't get me no tickets to price is right.
How was I supposed to know you had to get tickets Six months in advance? Besides, you love this Jackie thomas guy.
Yeah, but I can watch that on tv.
I want to go someplace where I can win something.
Least you got to fulfill the kids' dream Of going to Disneyland.
Yeah, I love that.
Darlene versus the happiest place on earth.
Hey, everybody.
How you doing? How you doing, folks? I'm Jackie Thomas, as you know.
Welcome to my show.
We're gonna get started here in a couple of minutes, But i'd like to get to know you guys a little bit better.
Sir, what's your name? Bill.
Bill, nice haircut, buddy.
What'd you do, lose a bet or something? No, I was in a car accident And before they could operate on my skull, They had to shave my head.
Whatever.
You know What's your name, partner? Dan conner.
Dan Conner.
Where are you from, Dan? Lanford, Illinois.
Lanford, illinois.
Is this your lovely wife, here? Yes, I am.
How long you been married, ma'am? Well, next month it will be 20 years.
Tell us, what's the secret to a marriage like that? Lack of imagination.
Lack of imagination.
That's funny.
I myself have never been married.
I've been working on my career too hard.
It hasn't always been this good for me, either.
I used to do a lot of lousy jobs.
I washed dishes, I worked in a meat packing plant.
I did everything short of drywall.
It was pretty ugly.
But now i'm a big star and I can make anybody Do anything I want.
Who here wants to do something really stupid For a real lame prize? He does! [Jackie Harris.]
yeah, he does impressions.
[Jackie Thomas.]
impressions? Dan? Get up here and do one of your impressions.
[Roseanne.]
yeah, go do your impressions.
Come on up here, Dan.
All right, Danny.
Impressions, huh? Who do you do? UmUm Mr.
Howell from Gilligan's Island.
Mr.
Howell from Gilligan's Island.
Well, i'll help you out, here.
I'll be the skipper.
"how you doing, little buddy?" "smashing, lovey.
" That's pretty darn good.
Yay! Uh-huh.
Hey, do you do anybody else? Yeah, I guess a little Brando.
Brando.
"i'd like to thank the heads of the five families "for coming here this evening.
How did we ever get this far?" Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, you know what? If you liked this one, you'll love this one.
This is a little character of mine.
Real nutty little guy named travis bickle From a movie called Taxi Driver.
And that goes a little something like this.
"are you talking to me? "are you talking to me? Hey, are you talking to me?" Thank you very much.
Had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell Miss Lucy went to heaven, the steamboat went to All right, that's good.
All right, here's your t-shirt.
One for each of you.
That's good enough.
Anybody else got anything they All right.
All right.
That's good enough.
That's--two scripts! Signed scripts.
You got the two t-shirts.
Anybody else want any goodbye my friend it's hard to die when all the birds are singing in the sky The seasons in the air pretty girls are everywhere look for me and i'll be there we had joy, we had fun we had seasons in the sun and the hills and the climbs are the seasons of our time we had joy, we had fun we had seasons in the sun and the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time we had joy, we had fun we had seasons in the sun and the hills that we climbed knocked the seasons out of time we had joy, we had fun we had seasons in the sun and the hills that we climbed knocked the seasons out of time