Rules of Engagement s05e18 Episode Script

So the other day, this guy in the office asks me, "what weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of lead?" It's a riddle.
Heh.
I'll say it is.
Adam, they're both the same.
Yeah, lead is the same as feathers.
Remind me not to come over to your place for a pillow fight.
Wow.
It was either come here for breakfast or stay home and figure out what's stinking up the fridge.
Hey, Audrey, back to the pillow fight thing, if you and your gal pals ever need a referee-- All right, I'll be home with my head in the fridge.
You guys want to hear something interesting? Uh, well, that depends.
I can't take on another riddle right now.
No, tomorrow's my anniversary.
Hey, congrats, man.
How many years? - 16.
- Ahh.
If your marriage was a girl, I could date it.
That would be 18.
It is? When did they change that? And the big thing is, this yearI remembered.
And how did you do that? Well, yesterday at work I was spinning my wedding ring, trying to break my record of 72 seconds When it flew off the desk and went under the radiator.
Did you break the record? No.
Ahh! God! Guys, when I went to go get it, I noticed our wedding date engraved on the inside.
But I haven't even told you guys the best part.
That I believe.
Usually by this time of year, Audrey's dropped a bunch of hints about what she'd like me to get her or what she wants to do, but this year, nothing.
I'm thinking maybe she forgot.
Oh, hey, buddy, I'm really sorry.
Why? It'd be the greatest thing that ever happened.
Better than the time that that squirrel beat up a possum? I don't believe that happened.
I know what I saw.
Anyway, why is it so great that she forgot your anniversary? 'Cause usually I forget.
I've been the goat in our marriage for a long time.
I forget things.
I'm selfish.
I'm insensitive.
That's not gonna change.
If I remember the same year Audrey forgot, I totally win.
And more importantly, she loses.
Oh, I think she lost Hey, you would not believe this Italian girl I met last night.
Why is it you feel the need to tell me of every woman into whose pants you gain entry? I have yet to gain entry.
Uh, she doesn't speak English and my Italian's a little rusty, but I will tell you that her pantalones are muy caliente.
That's Spanish.
Ahh.
Merci.
French.
See? This is why I need you.
I need you to come along on my date tomorrow night and be our translator.
And that brings us to the part of the morning where I ask, "why me?" Well, I'm assuming you speak Italian, right? I mean, you speak Spanish and French.
What's that crazy one you do on the phone with your mom? It's so irritating.
Honestly, this is you asking me for a favor? I'll pass.
Well, wait.
Would you pass on this? Smells good.
I wouldn't even consider this if I weren't grossly underpaid and in desperate need of cash to pay off student loans.
No.
Not quite, termite.
You'll get your money at the end of the date.
Ahh, the policy for all your romantic encounters.
Hey, what do you want to do tomorrow night? Um, want to see a movie? I'll bring my man-purse.
We can sneak in a bunch of candy.
Not that I'm not turned on by that, but I was thinking we could do something different.
What about bowling? Um, I don't think so.
Why not? Weren't you, like, junior champ or something? It was all-county junior men's bowling champion, division one.
I can't bowl in a non-competitive situation.
Well, don't take it so seriously.
Just relax and have fun.
Honey, it's not a switch I can just turn off, you know? I have to bowl at the peak level of my ability.
Period.
Come on.
It would be sexy seeing you do something you're great at.
Oh, yeah, you've got that right.
I was pretty popular with the alley cats.
That's what we called the bowling groupies.
Yeah, maybe the man-purse full of candy was the way to go.
Too late.
You lit the fuse.
Tomorrow night, the Adamizer rolls.
Okay, thank you.
Hey.
Hey.
I just ordered Audrey a huge bouquet of anniversary flowers.
Oh, she'll love that.
No, she won't.
Just make her realize that she forgot.
She'll feel like garbage.
I also made fancy dinner reservations.
Will she love that? No, she'll feel too guilty.
This is gonna be great.
Your relationship is different than mine.
Hey, don't worry.
You'll get there.
Hey, Jeff, but what if Audrey didn't forget? I mean, what if she's just not saying anything 'cause she's planning a surprise? Well, she knows I hate surprises So you could be right.
Find out if that's what she's up to.
Look, why don't you just be a loving hus-- No, no, no.
Here's the move.
You come on in with me and you invite us to go do something really lame with you and Jen tomorrow night.
Can't.
Already made plans to go bowling.
Perfect.
If she accepts, she clearly has nothing planned.
Okay? OkayFine.
But, look, if you're gonna bowl with me, you have to play by the rules.
You mean throw the ball and try to knock down the pins? It's a little more complicated than that.
It really isn't.
Hey.
Hey.
How was work? Oh, it was great.
You ought to try it.
I just had a thought.
Um, Jen and I are going bowling tomorrow night.
You guys want to come? Bowling, huh? Well, what an intriguing offer.
What do you think, Aud? Sure.
Yeah.
Let's go bowling.
Puts us one bird-beak phonograph away from being the flintstones.
Well then.
Tomorrow night, we shall bowl.
That shall be the activity of the evening.
Okay.
What time do you think we should go to-- I am just really excited about bowling.
So, Sophia, what brought you here from Italy? Allora, cosa ti porta qui dall'italia? Inizialment sono venuta a visitare amici, pero ripensandoci vorrei restare a prendere una classe.
She initially came to visit friends, but she thinks she'll stay on and perhaps take some classes.
Oh, nice.
Well, tell her no need to worry, she's got all the class in the world.
I'm not saying that.
Tell her.
Non ha bisogno di fare lezioni ha Gia molte classe.
Ahh, she liked that one.
I'm sure she was just humoring you with a fake laugh.
I think I would know if a woman is faking it.
He said proudly.
Are you ready to order? Oh, very much so.
A gourmet meal is the only silver lining to this whole ordeal.
Ah! No food for you.
I don't want you chewing while you're translating.
- But-- - No, no.
I need your mouth available.
I need her mouth available too.
Tell her.
Tell her! So you deliver the flowers to Audrey yet? Oh, I canceled 'em.
Why? Well, I realized it would have reminded her that she forgot, so she could run out to get a gift, claim she knew all along, and stolen my glory.
That's good thinking.
I also printed out confirmations of the dinner reservation and flowers so that I have evidence that I remembered.
You guys are all set.
You're on lanes 4, 10, and 12.
Excuse me.
Do you have ten-pound balls? Yes.
Uh, quick question.
When was the last time you washed your balls? The balls get washed once a week.
Interesting.
I'm gonna go do some visualizing.
Uh, one more question.
Do you have blue balls? Sir, Sophia is in the ladies room.
For God's sake, may I please have a piece of bread? Fine.
Go quick.
Here she comes.
Aloha.
Hey, um, tell her how worldly I am and that I've traveled Europe expensively.
I assume you mean "extensively.
" No, "expensively.
" I want her to know how loaded I am.
She already knows that from when you had me tell her you wanted to name one of your boats after her.
And, sir, you can do better than that.
What am I supposed to name all my boats after her? The whole fleet? You have no boats.
I'm saying you should be open and honest with her and let her know what's in your heart.
All right, take it easy, Timminy cricket.
Okay, tell her I'd like to know Okay.
WhatColor her underpants are.
No.
Oh, 'cause she's European, she might not be wearing any.
Got you.
Okay.
Okay.
- Good night.
- No, no, no.
Stay.
Okay, I'm sorry.
All right.
Tell her I'm glad I met her and maybe she'd like to tell me about her family in Italy.
Well, there you go, sir.
Honest, simple, from the heart.
All right, just tell her.
Sono veramente felice di averla conosciuta e sono ansioso di sapere di piu della sua famiglia in ltalia.
Well? She was hoping to pursue a purely physical relationship.
Ahh! Ahh! Pants one, heart zero.
All right.
Fisico.
So, Audrey, are you enjoying this evening, which is distinguished solely by the fact that we went bowling? Um, yeah.
So far, so good.
Okay.
Oh, you and Jen each have your own bowling balls? No, they're both mine.
One's a spare ball.
All right, we'll just use that.
No, no, no.
It's not an extra ball.
It's a ball for spares.
The other one is for strikes.
You got to be kidding me.
Have you never been to a sanctioned bowling event? Well, this should be really fun.
Ask Sophia if she'd like to come back to my place.
Fine.
I hope she can hear me over the sound of my stomach eating its own lining.
Vorrebbe ritornare a casa mia? Si.
Yes, she's ready.
Oh, okay.
My dirty work here is done.
No, ba-ba-ba-ba.
Oh, you're not done.
Si.
Yes.
Si.
Yes.
Oh, si.
Oh, yes.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, Adam, I accidentally took your turn when you were in the bathroom, but you can take mine.
Great, I'd be happy to add to your37.
UhSorry.
No problem, Audrey.
I was working on a turkey, but thanks for the two-pin contribution.
Hey, why don't, uh, we take a break? We'll have a little time-out and I'll get us some drinks.
Oh, I'll help.
All right, Audrey has said nothing about our anniversary and it's too late for her to throw anything together.
It's go time.
All right, what are you gonna do? When she comes back, I'm gonna grab a ball - Mm-hmm.
- Gonna bowl a strike Not with that follow-through.
Then I'll turn around and I'm gonna say, "happy anniversary.
" This is gonna be my shining moment as a husband.
My moment of triumph.
Happy anniversary.
What the-- Happy anniversary, honey.
- You remembered? - Of course.
What? Just now? You ran and you grabbed a bowling alley cake is what you did? No.
This came from that bakery that you love on 72nd street.
And I know you've had a lot to deal with this year with me quitting my job and finding a surrogate and all that nonsense and I didn't want to put anymore pressure on you.
So it's okay that you forgot again.
I am not upset.
Well, this year, I didn't forget.
I remembered.
Okay.
Jeff, you don't have to do that.
I told you I am not upset.
No, really.
I remembered.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, yeah, he's got proof.
Yo, show her the receipts.
No.
- What receipts? - There are no receipts.
I, uh--I forgot.
They're right there in his pocket.
No, they're not.
Yeah.
A dinner reservation and a receipt from a florist.
So why am I not at this restaurant smelling these flowers? You're not focusing on the right thing here.
The point is I remembered.
And you thought I forgot.
So you-- You canceled the dinner and the flowers, but retained the confirmation to shove in my face? Happy anniversary.
I don't want you hanging around with him anymore.
Now can we get back to bowling? Hey.
I got you these.
You still mad? You mean from the worst thing you've ever done that happened 20 minutes ago? Still raw? I hear you.
But these flowers are just temporary and not just because they're mostly dead.
I re-ordered you the giant bouquet of flowers and we have those dinner reservations for tomorrow night.
Well, that's a start.
You have your choice of 5:15 or 10:45.
You know, if you spent a fraction of the time you spend game playing and plotting against me toward nice things-- I won't deny it.
This one kind of got away from me.
But I, uh-- I'm really sorry.
I got to get to the gym.
I'm tense.
I've been tense.
I know you have been.
I was just so proud of myself when I remembered.
Well, at least it shows you were trying to be a good husband.
Then when I thought you forgot-- You got greedy.
I did.
I flew too close to the sun.
Well, to use a phrase I've used far too often on our anniversary I forgive you.
- You do? - Meh, come on.
We're 16 years in.
Nobody's going anywhere.
Ohh, who would have thought you remembering our anniversary would be so much worse than you forgetting? Well, don't worry.
It won't happen again.
You know, Audrey, sometimes I don't think I deserve you.
So there are times when you think you do? Timmy? Timmy.
I need you.
Oh, again? Sir, at a certain point, I really don't think this is about the translating.
No, no, no.
You got to help me eject her from the cockpit.
At some point during the night, she got a little clingy and annoying.
Well, you know, sir, that's your problem, because my translating duties are over.
Oh, that's funny, 'cause my paying you duties are over.
What? Bon giorno.
All right, tell her, uh You know, I had fun, but we both know the score.
Fine.
Vorrei vederti di nuovo al piu presto possibile.
Uh, you know, I wish her the best, but I gots to move on.
Okay.
Se vuoi sposarti per la carta di soggiorno, io sono disponibile.
Oh, grazie! Well, she's taking it like a real trooper.