The Middle s05e18 Episode Script

Hmm.
Mike, smell this.
I'm not smelling that.
I swear I've been through everything in here, and the stench is not coming from the fridge.
Hey, Brick, did you go through your backpack? Are you sure you don't have a yogurt or something in there from last year? Unh-unh.
I lost my backpack.
Seriously? Well, where did you last have it? That's kind of what makes it lost, mom.
Well, how are you doing your homework? Oh, this isn't homework.
I'm just writing down all the colors I like.
I don't know if it's 'cause I'm getting older, but I've warmed up to periwinkle considerably.
Periwinkle.
I think I smell it more in the nighttime.
Really? I smell it more when I get up.
Doesn't seem like a food smell.
I'm thinking maybe it's mold.
No, it's more a cross between baby spit-up and rotting animal flesh.
Hm.
Remember the conversations we used to have when we were dating? Mm.
Hey, Mike.
How's it -- Whoa.
We're zeroing in on it.
What's with the whistle? Oh.
Yeah! Coaching Nicole's soccer team now.
Just heading to practice -- thought maybe I'd come by to see if I could borrow that ball pump.
Uhh Oh.
Lucky for you, we're not big on putting things away.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, this might sound crazy, but I could really use an assistant coach.
I know you did some coaching back in the day.
Come on -- when Axl was little.
Yeah, back-to-back city t-ball champs.
But I'm retired.
Oh, come on! It'd be fun! We could hang out, you know? Get some fresh air.
We could even go out for beers after.
Well, I've done a lot less for beer.
Oh, we're also looking for some more girls to help fill out the roster, so I don't know if Sue is into joining stuff, - but maybe she could play on the team.
- Aaaaaaaaah! I would love to be on the soccer team.
I don't exactly have soccer gear, but I could use my shorts from volleyball, my cleats from field-hockey tryouts, my tennis wristbands, and, if it gets cold, my wrestlerettes sweatshirt.
Looks like you got yourself an assistant coach.
All right.
So, you can't go to the chi-o party 'cause of this painting? No, I can't go to the party 'cause I might have a girlfriend.
Oh, you might have a girlfriend, so you can't go to the party 'cause you don't want to cheat on the girlfriend - that you may or may not have.
- Exactly.
And the answer's in this painting? I don't know.
Maybe, but -- We made out the whole time.
Then she gave me this painting, told me it explains everything, and that was it.
Well, why don't you call Cassidy and just ask her what it means? Yeah, right.
You wouldn't call up Michelangelo and tell him you don't understand the "Moaning Lisa.
" Dude, it's the "Mona Lisa.
" "Mona"? That's not even a word.
I don't get art.
Well, there's something I don't get nearly enough, and if I want a prayer of getting it, I got to take myself to the chi-o party tonight.
Now, are you rolling with me or not? Have you not been listening at all? I don't know.
And unless this fish or the guy with the blue face knows, I got to figure this out.
Well, you better figure it out by Hey, Kenny, you want to be my wingman tonight? See? Kenny's into it.
Looks like you got competition.
Around the cones, and shoot! Yes! Nice job! Way to go, girls.
That's all for today.
Looking good out there, huh? Got some talent.
Yeah, it's a great group, huh? Listen, you're not gonna believe this, but that was my boss on the phone.
He just put me on an audit panel for the next month.
He needs me nights, weekends.
I feel terrible about this, but I'm hoping I can make it back by playoffs.
Wait.
What? The one thing that makes me feel better is that I am leaving the team in such great hands.
Damn.
I got to get this.
Thanks, man.
Really appreciate it.
Wh-- Oh, my God.
I can't find my earring anywhere.
I think it came out while we were playing, and I have to find it 'cause it's the earrings my boyfriend gave me for our six-week anniversary! Okay.
All right.
Take it easy.
It's not a big deal.
What?! It is so a big deal! It looks like this.
Oh.
Good.
A tiny earring in a giant field.
How hard can that be? Dad! She got them from her boyfriend for their six-week anniversary! Oh, boy.
Okay.
It's not under the house.
But, if you're curious, bat mothers do nurse their young.
So I guess we're gonna have to concentrate our efforts inside.
Well, can't be any harder than finding an earring in a field.
All right, I've narrowed it down to these three rooms.
So, Mike, you take the living room.
I got the kitchen.
Sue, you get the dining room.
We can do this, people, okay? I know it's repulsive, but use your noses.
Really get in there.
Maybe we should just move.
Anyplace we could afford would probably smell worse than this one.
- Oh! - Ooh! - Oh-ho! Found it.
Hey, Axl.
What's up? Um, you guys are girls, right? You mind if I get your opinion on something? Sure.
Come on in.
Oh! Pretty.
Did you do it? No, my girlfriend did.
Well, uh, my maybe girlfriend.
Look, I dated this girl, Cassidy, in high school, and, uh, she was the first girl I ever, you know, really loved and stuff.
- Aww! - Aww! - Aww! - Aww! Yeah.
Anyway we kind of got back together last week over spring break, and it was awesome, but all week, I'm like, "Does this make us a thing again?".
But we never talked, and, instead, she gave me this and said it explains us, but I have no clue what it means, and you got to help me, 'cause I'm losing my mind.
Am I with this girl or not? Well, look, that's a girl, and that's probably a guy.
And -- oh, you see how they're all entwined in the same tree? You're definitely together.
No, they're not even facing each other.
I think it might be over.
You know, I once broke up with my boyfriend with a sculpture.
Did he understand it? Well, I threw it at him, so I'm pretty sure he got the message.
- I don't know.
- I think they're done.
Anybody notice the spider on the bird? That's weird.
I mean, look at her facial expression.
I think she likes fish She's, like, thinking about the future.
Is that a cupcake? All right, that's halftime.
Bring it in.
What's going on with you guys? We're not moving the ball at all.
April, why aren't you passing to Sydney? She knows why.
What do you mean, "She knows why"? Oh, my God! You guys broke up two months ago! Besides, he asked me out.
Well, you didn't have to say yes! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everybody just relax.
None of that has anything to do with soccer.
We're talking about what we're gonna do in the second half.
Now, I want the forwards -- Why are you all on your phones? We're -- we're talking about the game here.
Uh, so am I.
I'm Instagramming the score.
Well, I'll tell you the score.
It's 8-0.
We're getting our butts kicked.
Yes.
Haley.
Can I go to the bathroom? If you have to go to the bathroom, yeah, sure.
Hey, wh-- hey! You're not all going! We got a game to play here.
What's his problem? Geez, relax, dude.
Yeah.
What's with coach crankypants? Actually, dad, you're not really that cranky today.
You're doing great.
It's just I got to fit in with the other girls.
So, if you hear me saying things about the new coach, I just want you to know I don't really mean them.
Wait -- what things? Oh, I don't know.
A ton of stuff.
Uh, "Coach never smiles, coach wears too much flannel, I think he drinks.
" It's nothing they're not saying already.
Look, Brick, the fact that you stink is nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's just your hormones waking up and telling you that things are changing in there.
Yeah, lately, I noticed when I wear corduroys, I -- No need to go into details.
Now, I know you've recently expressed an interest in girls.
And if you want that interest reciprocated, you're gonna have to put in a little effort.
Like you and dad do? Like me and dad used to do.
I think the thing you'll want to do is have fun with it.
I'm gonna leave you here to pick out whatever smell suits your fancy -- deodorant, shower gel, cologne, body spray.
Go nuts.
Get it all.
I'm buying.
Mm.
Oh.
Check the ingredients.
Nothing natural.
We got to hit that with chemicals.
Would I like Summer Breeze Dou-Shay? Wrong side of the aisle, Brick.
Stay away from the pinks and purples.
You want the reds, blacks, and grays -- anything with a stripe.
Knock, knock.
Hi, Axl.
You got a second? Uh, sure.
Come on in.
So, I was just thinking about you and the painting and how confusing it must be for you with this girl you like who might not like you back.
I mean, I had no idea you'd be so sensitive to something like this.
Honestly, I sort of thought you were just the dumb jock across the hall, but you're not.
It's like I'm seeing you in a whole new way.
Anyway, I felt so bad for you, I thought I'd make some cookies to cheer you up.
Cool.
Thanks.
So, I'm going to the library later, if you want to come.
Oh.
Brick, what are you doing? I can't decide.
Do I want to smell like a polo player or a yachtsman? I don't want girls to think I'm an athlete, but if I smell like a boat owner, they might think I'm a snob.
Frankly, neither one's a great choice for me.
Okay, you're overthinking this.
Just get something that smells good so we can go.
I'm gonna find some air freshener for the house, and when I get back, I want you to have this figured out.
Ick! It's in my mouth! Okay.
I guess you're not ready to do this by yourself.
Remember, the defenders like to play up, so don't be afraid to send the ball way deep.
We might be able to catch them out of position.
Okay, now, last thing -- I said before I'm gonna collect all phones.
Let's give them up.
Come on.
Here we go.
Nikki, let's have it.
I just texted you.
I need my phone back.
No.
We got a game to play.
Now come on.
Hands in.
Huddle it up.
Haley, where are you going? I don't want to stand by Jordan.
Well, I don't want to stand by you, either.
Okay, let's skip the huddle.
Go play.
I sense a washed-up, old jock who's trying to relive his glory days through us.
Don't try to dribble around her.
No! No.
Whoa.
Hang on.
Time out.
Lauren, what happened? You all right? - I'm hurt.
- Where? My heart.
What?! Trevor broke up with me! Where did you get this?! I thought I took all of these.
Oh, my God.
She so gave you a fake phone.
All right, come on, Lauren.
You're out of the game.
Way to go, Lauren! Oh, no, no.
Don't -- don't clap for that.
She's not hurt.
She's not hurt! Here you go.
Axl! Axl.
Hey! Uh, I was just thinking about what you said, and, well I just feel like you should forget about that girl.
I mean, why do the whole long-distance thing when somebody's treating you like this? I mean, there are tons of girls you could go out with -- maybe even some around here.
Sorry.
My towel's, like, slipping.
And I know Jordan didn't have the best game, but that's 'cause she just got a haircut.
She wanted the front to be longer than the back, but it all ended up being the same length, and it came out like a bob.
I mean, it's not her fault.
She brought a picture! And, dad, I don't want to tell you how to coach but I would not play a girl who just got a haircut.
Well that was the school.
They called to officially tell us our son smells.
- What? Still? - Yeah.
Apparently, it's bothering the other students.
One even had to go to the nurse.
I thought you said you took him to the store.
I did.
We cleaned out the whole aisle.
Maybe he forgot to put it on.
Look, it's one thing to be weird and antisocial, but you throw stinky into the mix, you're a hobo.
What is that noise? And how come I have 45 texts? Jason says I looked hot today.
Haiden wants me to know that her parents just left.
"It's on.
" I'm pretty sure this is not my phone.
Mm.
Well, that explains why you're not holding a bucket of chicken.
I'm telling you, Frankie, I've coached a lot of teams.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done.
These girls can play.
That's not the question.
But, for some reason, when you get them all together, they're a bunch of nutjobs.
I'm starting to think Bill's whole audit-panel thing was a scam.
Okay, Brick, what's the deal? I bought you all that deodorant and stuff, and you didn't even -- - Whoa! - Whew! Turns out Brick did use the stuff -- all of it.
By the way, I'm out of deodorant.
So, while I tried to get the stink off Brick, Mike knew the only way to get the stink off the team was to come up with a new game plan.
Okay, Melanie and Amber, you're gonna make the first move.
When I blow the whistle, you're gonna cross right to Lauren and tell her that secret you've been keeping from her.
I don't want to know what it is.
Just tell her.
See this little X down here? All by itself? That's you, Jordan.
No more pouting about your hair.
It was just a big change, and we all had to get used to it.
Now, Haley and April, I want you to form a wall in front of Jordan -- a wall of niceness.
And I want you to tell her how great her hair looks and then text her or tweet her or tag her or whatever it is you do to tell everyone that you like it.
And then, after that, we're all gonna play soccer.
Dude, you've gotten more attention from this painting than you have your entire year here.
Yeah, but what good does it do me? I don't know if I can act on any of it.
Call her and ask her! Hey, it's not all me.
I mean, she hasn't called me, either -- or texted me.
There's no way she could think we're together.
I don't have a girlfriend.
You don't have a girlfriend! Then again, she did paint this for me.
And it must have taken her a while.
I mean, she had to wait for the paint to dry and everything.
There's no way you'd do all that for someone you're just gonna break up with.
I have a girlfriend! You have a girlfriend! Yeah.
I don't need to date a bunch of random hotties who just want me 'cause I'm sensitive and have feelings and stuff.
I got Cassidy.
She's awesome.
Hey, Axl.
We're gonna go play mud football in the quad.
Want to come? I got to call Cassidy.
Excuse me, coach? Hi.
I'm Jordan's dad.
First of all, you're doing a great job.
One quick thing, though -- I just want to talk to you about Jordan's playing time.
I noticed that you're not Yep -- unfortunately, it wasn't just the players who were a pain in the butt.
I noticed in the snack schedule that Thursday's supposed to be doughnuts.
Now, I don't mean to complain, but the snacks really need to be healthier.
It's just that Lauren's kind of going through a rough time.
Look, I'm not saying Jordan's not good, but, between you and me, you really think she's center-forward material? I'm just saying, if you want to make the playoffs, Jordan's your girl.
She broke up with her boyfriend! I made you this printout.
- My daughter - My Sydney - My kid But, hey, it's your team.
Hey you.
It's me, your Axl.
Oh.
Hey.
This is a surprise.
Oh, yeah? Why's that? I mean, the two of us, we're kind of a Look, I didn't get the painting.
What? Yeah, I've been staring at this thing for a week, and I still have no clue what it means.
Blue-faced guy? Is that supposed to be me? If so, then I guess the girl's you.
But what's she looking at, anyway? Those books over there or Hey! Kind of like you were when we met in the study room at the library.
Oh, wait! This floating crown thing -- is that, like, when I got prom king? Yeah.
See, it's -- Ha! I'm totally getting this now.
The fish from when we went to that lake.
The leaves 'cause it was fall when we met.
Not getting the acorn, though.
What's that about? Unless it's not an acorn.
It's a football with snow on it! It's the night we kissed after the game when I scored four touchdowns! Boom! I'm on a roll! Okay, so, if all that stuff happened to us, then we are the tree people growing in opposite directions and -- Oh, wait! I got this! They're broken up! They're -- they're broken up.
Axl, look, you'll always hold a special place in my life.
I just don't want a boyfriend And the truth is, Axl, you don't want a girlfriend, either.
That would really suck.
You should have fun.
You should make so many memories in college, you'll need a hundred paintings to hold them all.
Yeah.
Okay.
I get it.
Um thanks again for the painting.
I'll see ya.
So long, Axl.
Well, Kenny, I finally get art.
Art hurts.
Whew.
My God.
Three days, and it still smells like a cologne factory out there.
I swear -- I hosed Brick off, made him bathe in tomato juice, rubbed him down with odor-eaters, and still, any room he's in immediately becomes a European nightclub.
And, by the way, shouldn't you be handling the boy hygiene? Why am I dealing with this? You serious? Y-you want to take a crack at coaching the soccer team? You know how many e-mails I got today? 27.
I haven't gotten 27 e-mails in my life.
One dad actually sent me a spreadsheet of his daughter's playing time.
Jordan went on for five pages about how I hurt her feelings when I asked her to pick up cones after practice.
And Nikki wants to miss next week's game 'cause the season finale of Awkward is on -- - whatever that is.
- Geez.
I'll tell you what else.
I think I was right about Bill Norwood.
I think he knew this was Team Crazytown, and he dumped them on me.
I swear, the other day, I saw him in his van in the parking lot watching practice.
Ugh.
I'm sorry.
Parents are lunatics.
They really are.
So, is Sue getting any playing time? 'Cause I think it would be so good for her self-esteem.
Put it in an e-mail.
Okay, Melanie.
Send it.
Really looking good.
Moving the ball on the attack.
Yeah, thanks.
When they're playing, they're great.
I've been traveling, so it's the first practice I've made it to.
Oh, yeah? Mm.
You gonna be in town a while? 'Cause I've been looking for an assistant coach.
Oh, I-I don't know.
Oh, come on.
It's fun.
The girls are great.
You get a ton of fresh air.
Maybe afterwards, we can get some beers.
Well, my wife has been on me about spending more time with Gracie, and I-I -- Okay.
What the hell? I'm in.
Great.
Oh, just one more thing.
I just got nailed with this big project at work, so I'm not gonna be around for the next few weeks.
But I will definitely be back for the playoffs.
I feel better knowing I'm leaving the team in such good hands.
Uh Come on, man.
Still? It's been two days.
You got to get up and go outside.
Your vitamin D levels must be plummeting.
I don't know.
I'm just not in the mood yet.
Hi.
We just thought we'd see how you're doing.
Let's see.
Um Well, I talked to my girlfriend.
Or should I say "ex-girlfriend"? Turns out it was a breakup painting.
She dumped me.
- Aww! - Aww! - Aww! - Aww! Cuse me! Can I ask your opinion on something? My girlfriend painted this for me All right, Brick, this is all it is.
Watch.
Swipe swipe squirt, and you're out.
Really? Are you sure I'm getting enough? I feel like I need more.
No.
That's it.
Well, can I do that thing where I make a mist cloud and walk through it? No.
You may not.
Huh.
Who knew it was so simple? You smell good.
Thanks.
Are you dou-shaying yet? Well, you know what they say -- you can lead a boy to deodorant, but you can't make him smooth with the ladies.
Oh, I can't believe Lauren missed that save! It was right to her.
Well, she hasn't been the same since Trevor broke up with her.
Aw, they broke up? But he just got her the earrings.
I know.
So, what's the snack today? Fiddle Faddle.
Ohh! Gonna get some e-mails about that.
Yeah, that's just bad coaching right there.