Bob's Burgers s05e19 Episode Script

Here you go, Teddy.
Thanks for the rush order.
I got a hell of a busy day ahead of me.
Teddy, why did you ask for a to-go bag if you're gonna eat it here? I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
Are you, though? Kids.
It's good that you're so busy, Teddy.
Yeah, I got a dry wall job in town, plus, I've been taking care of a summer house out on Craggy Neck.
It's supposed to rain today, so I gotta put the lawn furniture under the deck.
Sorry we asked.
Hello? Oh, hi, Mr.
Handley.
Your hot water heater? Yeah, I could be there today.
All right I'll see you soon.
And now I just took another job.
Why would I do that?! Teddy! All right, calm down, Teddy.
Hey, I'll go out to Craggy Neck for you.
What? Really? Yeah, I want to go to a nice place and drag furniture under a deck.
Take us! I could drag some furniture.
Well, that'd be a big help.
All right! Wait, if you're all going to some beach house, then I should go, too.
We could close for a little while.
But, Dad, what if people want to come to the restaurant? Oh, right.
That's true.
I p Just kidding, Dad.
Just kidding.
Oh.
- All right, we're here.
- All right! TINA and GENE: Yay! Oh.
We're on the frickin' beach.
That is quite a view.
I mean, I know it's the same ocean near our house, but this one's better.
I mean, it's on the beach.
They probably have crabs bringing them the newspaper.
That is the life.
Oh, and it's so beautifully landscaped.
Look at those boulders! Gene, get off the boulders.
They love it! I got it.
On my own.
Because I'm strong.
Good job, Dad! Oh, so pretty inside.
Oh.
The door's open.
Should we go inside? Just to close the door? Well, I guess so.
I mean, how else are we gonna close the door? Oh.
We're inside.
We're in the house.
How did that happen? - What are you doing? - Aah! You're trespassing.
You're in somebody's home.
Well, technically it's somebody's summer home.
That's different, right? Yeah.
Totally legal.
We're just shutting the door.
Ooh, are we breaking and entering? As a family.
So it's okay.
Come stand next to me for two seconds.
It'll feel like we're on vacation.
No, Lin, we should go.
Wow, this is nice.
I feel really poor right now.
Yeah.
I guess we can stand here for another two seconds.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And then we'll leave.
Okay.
But we're not touching anything.
Yeah.
Sure.
Of course not.
Huh.
I think I like boats now.
Aw, these must be the owners.
Cute couple.
Little age difference but that's okay.
Oh, and they travel.
Must be nice.
Pushing up the Leaning Tower.
Couple of hams.
Do you think we should get a boat? And a subscription to a boat magazine? Look at that ring! Looks like a disco ball.
She's got Studio 54 on her hand.
I think I'm gonna get one.
I think I'm gonna get a boat; A big boat.
Wait, what are we doing? We-we got to go.
Kids, we're leaving! Kids, we gotta go oh, my God.
Game room.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Welcome to Funtown.
Oh, I forgot to get a big house so we could get a pool table.
We do have to go, but first, I should probably teach you kids how to play pool.
We know how to play.
You just roll the balls and hear them click.
So far I'm winning.
Yes.
All right, kids, there are a couple things in life I'm really good at, and pool is one of them.
What are the other things? And don't say burgers.
Prepare for the thunder that is my break.
Tina, step to the side.
I don't want the shockwave to hit you.
Whoa.
That was terrible.
Yeah, I thought maybe it was, but I wasn't sure, so I just said "whoa.
" It's probably the cue.
Oh, yeah.
This one is crazy warped.
It looks straight to me.
Yeah, you can't use a cue stick like this.
No Okay.
This one feels not warped.
Corner pocket, your mouth is open, I hope you're hungry! Damn it! Whoa Is that is that good? Ooh, they're skiers.
So sporty, those two.
Look like Hart to Hart.
Do you know who gave me this water? The refrigerator did! What? Came right out of the door! Goodness.
What are you up to? I'm just curious who these people are.
You know, what books they read, what kind of music they like.
Got it.
You're snooping.
What?! I'm not snooping.
I'm just noticing.
Sure.
Ooh, they climbed a mountain.
Good for them.
Should we go "notice" around in that room? Ooh.
Home office.
Look, they get mail.
That's fun.
Ooh, and we got a name! Larry Goodwin.
Why do they have so many clocks? How much time do you need? Spooky.
They all stopped at 3:13.
Oh, wait, they all moved.
I think I figured it out.
Look at this: They all say Goodwin.
Larry Goodwin! Larry's rollin' in clock money! So that's how you afford a beach house.
We've been going about it all wrong.
Did you see that drawer open all by itself? It just popped open.
It did, didn't it? Yeah, look at that.
Just popped right open.
Well, that's weird.
Aw, their wedding picture.
Wait, that woman looks different than the one in all the other pictures.
Huh.
She does.
She had a totally different forehead.
Must've got it reduced.
Mom, this is a different wife.
This must be the first wife! And Larry traded her in for a newer, prettier model.
That bastard! You think you know somebody! Larry! Oh, crap.
Oh, crap.
Someone's here.
Are you just saying that because I'm beating you? Shh! Hide.
Bob? Linda? You guys in here? Yeah? Why? Right.
Why.
Yeah.
Why are you inside the house? Right.
Teddy.
Good question.
Right, Bob.
What are you doing in the house? Uh Linda? Jump in any time.
Wait a minute, this isn't under the deck.
Bobby, why'd you make us come in here, you silly? Thanks, Lin, that was great.
Sorry, Teddy.
We shouldn't have come in.
Poking around, huh? Trying the hall on for size? I get it.
You take a bath? What? No.
Your loss.
Teddy, why are you here? We came all this way so you wouldn't have to.
The weather's getting real stormy.
I thought I ought to make sure the house is all sealed up.
Yeah, I'm sure Larry Goodwin would appreciate it.
Much more than he appreciated his first wife, who dared to age.
Huh? Keep up, Dad.
Right on, Mom.
I wouldn't know anything about Larry.
I never met him.
He died before I started working here.
Larry's dead? Larry's dead! Yeah.
Terrible accident.
He slipped on the widow's walk up on the roof and fell onto the decorative boulders below.
I thought those boulders seemed traumatized.
Helen, the wife, she's a doll.
Nicest woman in the world.
Poor thing witnessed the fall from the rose garden.
Oh, my oh, my God.
What if Little Miss Second Wife didn't witness the death? What if she did the death?! Of course! What? Helen killed her husband for his clock fortune! She's a black widow! We are in the tastefully decorated house of a killer.
Huh.
It is tastefully decorated.
It's all right.
Come on! Helen's not a murderer.
Whoa, Lin, That's a pretty big accusation.
Ye, well, murder's a pretty big crime.
All right.
Time to go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad.
We're not leaving until we find evidence we can take to the fuzz.
This is a hot cold case.
Yeah, we owe it to Larry and his clock family.
You two cannot be serious.
Look at her shifty snake eyes.
Yeah, if you take away her warm smile, she's got the ice-cold stare of an ice-cold murderer.
And if you take away her nose, she looks really weird.
Yeah, and if you take away half of her face, she's like half face.
Guys, come on.
This is Helen we're talking about.
She was in the rose garden when Larry slipped and fell.
Oh, you mean Larry, the mountain climber, 'Cause he didn't slip! Helen pushed him off the widow's walk! She pushed him! No, no, no, no.
You're really stretching, guys.
Teddy, what else can you tell us about Larry's "accident"? Eh, it was a freak thing.
The guy leaned against the railing and it gave way.
The cops said it was loose.
I bet she loosened the railing.
With what? Magic? What could possibly remove a nail from wood? The back of a hammer.
The-the thingies.
Teddy, where does she keep her tools? She doesn't have any tools.
She's not very handy.
Also Eh, forget it.
What, Teddy? What? Well, I think she might be hiring me because she's lonely.
She's definitely not a killer.
She's really the sweetest little thing.
She's not little, she's regular-sized.
Aw, just talking about her gets me all frazzled.
Teddy, do you have a crush on Helen? What? Huh? No.
Aw! Does she have a crush on you? Does she drop things in front of you so you both have to bend down and pick them up? Sometimes we have tea on the deck and just talk for what feels like minutes.
Linda, can we have a word in private? No.
Yes.
What, Bob? I'm onto something here.
You're not.
I am.
The only thing you're doing is messing up a possible relationship for Teddy.
This Helen lady sounds like she's nice and lonely, and Teddy is probably a good match for someone nice and lonely.
Or anyone.
Teddy should date anyone that likes him, basically.
Anyone except someone who's gonna murder him.
But maybe even that's okay.
For Teddy.
Oh my God, I just thought of something.
Teddy, so Larry landed on the decorative boulders in the backyard? That's right.
Look at this photo.
Notice anything? Even at his age, Larry could still pull off cargo shorts? Mm-hmm.
There are no boulders! Exactly! 'Cause Helen put 'em there when she came on to the scene.
And then she pushed Larry right onto 'em, ensuring his death.
You guys are really jumping to conclusions here.
You mean pushing to conclusions, Dad? Teddy, how do you get up to the widow's walk? We're gonna reenact a little murder.
Storm's really whipping up out there! I can't hear you! The storm's really whipping up! Linda! You're not going out there.
It's too dangerous! It's fine, it's fine! Whoa! Never mind, never mind.
Let's do it inside.
Mom's hair looks terrible.
I know.
I can't look at her.
But you can't look away.
I'm just looking kind of to the side.
Okay, so here's what I think happened.
Bob, you're Larry.
No.
Sweet, dead Larry.
Ugh, God.
I'm Helen.
I'm a bad person, and I want your money so onto the boulders with you! Ow! Ow, my back.
Did you actually have to push me? I think that's exactly how it happened, Mom.
Uh-huh.
Nah, nah.
There's no way Helen's a killer.
- Seriously, I think my back is - bad.
All right, all right, you baby.
Let's help you onto the couch.
Dad's hair looks horrible.
It always looks horrible.
There we go.
We never should have come into this house.
It's all right, everybody.
It's probably just a brownout.
I'm not, like, too scared.
Helen! Hey.
You're here.
It's her.
Her hair looks amazing.
Let's ask her where she goes.
So, Helen, uh, I thought you were in New York.
I decided to get away for a few days to my vacation home.
And who are these people in my vacation home? Right.
These are my friends.
They're a family.
They're Belchers.
Sorry, you see, I asked them to You take your dirty children and get the hell out! Oh, God.
Helen, I'm sorry.
I : I'm kidding! What a fun, terrifying joke.
Isn't she a hoot? Oh, I'm glad you're here.
I've been driving for hours in that storm.
Surprised the roads are open.
Welcome! I'm Helen.
Hi, I'm Bob.
These are my kids, Tina, Gene, and Louise.
And this is my wife Linda.
Nice to meet ya, Helen.
You're making a lot of eye contact, little girl.
That's a killer handshake you've got there.
Thank you.
I'm, uh I'm really squeezing.
Anyways, we should get home before the roads get any worse.
Come on, kids.
What?! Mom, I thought you wanted to solve the crime! Safety first! I have to protect my babies! Helen, what car snacks do you have? Oh, I need to not stand up.
Are you okay? Nah, he's fine.
He's faking it.
Come on.
I'm not faking.
My wife pushed me.
Yeah, pushed by a lady.
- You know how that is, Helen.
- Louise.
You know, I have some pain relievers from back when I used to take a lot of pain relievers.
Would you like some? Yes, please.
No, he doesn't.
No, no, no.
Uh, yes, I would.
Thank you.
Great.
I'll be right back.
See? She's nice.
Do you think she likes me? I'm not really a fair judge since she wasn't too helpful with the car snacks.
Bob, we got to get out of here! She's a killer! Linda, I can't go anywhere because someone pushed me.
Mom, we got to stay and see this through! This case could make our careers! There is a 90% chance she kills us in the next hour! She's a nice lady whose husband fell off a roof.
You've got to stop.
Does anyone have any cologne? Gene? No.
I'm not allowed to wear cologne again until I prove I can be responsible with it.
I have a cough drop in my pocket.
Give it.
All I know is that woman is a mur maid.
Mermaid! And that's the history of mermaids.
Oh, thanks, Mom! Such amazing creatures.
Hey, Helen.
Hi.
And here you go.
Oh! Boop! Uh, boopsie.
Oh! What happened there? Crazy arms.
Good thing there's more where that came from.
Here you go.
Ha! Wow, Bobby! What a fun couple you are! Ah, it's been a while since we've had a storm like this.
I locked down all the windows.
Nothing's getting in.
Okay, water's getting in that one, that one's leaking.
Bob, she might be trying to poison you! Yeah, Dad, do you have a death wish? People don't put poison in pills.
They put it in food or drinks.
You know what would be great right now? Hot chocolate.
Huh? : Mini marshmallows! Would be nice right now, but I don't have any.
You have a car.
Oh, none for me, thanks.
Yeah, sorry, we don't like hot chocolate, any of us.
Mother, you do not speak for me.
I didn't know I didn't like hot chocolate.
Yeah, you don't.
I'll take theirs.
I could drink a gallon of this stuff.
It burned the crap out of my tongue, but I love it.
Teddy's dead.
He's friggin' dead! Ow! Hey, these pain meds are starting to kick in.
And my back is feeling A oh, much better.
Happy to help.
I took a couple, and I'm right there with ya.
Yeah.
These are good.
Oh, yeah.
I'd take more.
I always take more.
So, Helen, sorry to hear about your late husband.
Oh, yes, he was a good man.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Uh-huh.
Good taste, too, huh? Well, he chose me.
Ow.
Oh, no, I just meant those beautiful decorative boulders out back.
So solid and jagged.
Did Larry pick those out? Oh, no, I picked those out.
Larry had the tackiest taste in boulders.
So you picked those out.
How interesting.
Very interesting.
Very interesting.
Yeah.
I guess.
I don't think so.
So, uh, Larry was quite the mountain climber, huh? Larry? No.
No, I'm the climber.
I had to drag him to all those mountains.
Larry used to call me "Mount St.
Helen.
" Which I don't get.
Oh, so he wasn't a good mountain climber? Yeah, he wasn't good at all.
Total klutz.
Huh.
That's so Larry.
You know, you have such a lovely home, Helen.
Looks like Larry left you very comfortable.
Oh, no, he left nearly everything to charity.
Oh.
Hmm.
Charity.
Well, everything except this house.
And the place in New York.
And Aspen.
I'll get by.
Uh, you know what? I got to poop, and would anyone like to join me? Family meeting.
Of course, Mother, I could poop.
Come on, everyone! Bobby, you might not have to go, but I want you to try, honey.
I can't move.
I'm gonna stay here with Henry.
Helen.
My name is Bob.
Okay, so she put in the boulders.
That's guilty.
Guilty as hell.
LINDA: All the more reason to get you kids out of here.
But Larry was a klutz, So maybe he did just fall off his own roof.
Wait.
Didn't he leave all his money to charity? Right.
True.
But how do we know Helen's telling the truth about that? Well, whatever her deal is, let's get out of this beautiful death house.
And home to our hideous life house.
Fine, but if anyone asks, we solved this thing, and we were brilliant.
Ah, it's really coming down out there.
The rain it's an expression, I think.
You get it.
I totally get it.
You know, you have a wonderful family.
And Teddy.
You have a wonderful family and Teddy.
I can't believe Linda thinks that you killed your husband.
What? She does? Mm-hmm.
She does.
She thinks you loosened the railing, and you pushed him onto the boulders.
But she's crazy, and you're nice.
It's really coming down out there.
I got to use that.
That's a crazy expression.
Okay, we all pooped.
Uh, Bob, let's hit the road.
You know, Linda, I have a suspicion you didn't all go poop.
What? Of course we did.
Something smells, Linda, and it's not the bathroom.
Road's completely flooded.
No one's getting in or out of here tonight.
What? I guess it looks like you'll have to stay the night here.
No.
That's all right.
We can swim home.
Linda, I insist, and I always get my way.
I'm very pushy.
I call couch! So, do you still think Helen's a murderer? Yes, I do, but if we're all gonna get killed, we may as well go out playing video games.
Well, I think she's innocent.
No, she's a man-eater, like Ms.
Pac Man here.
Ms.
Pac Man eats ghosts and fruit! Don't bring her into this! Oh, Helen, me sleep in your room? On the floor though, right? Not on the floor? In the bed with you? Okay.
Spooning? Sure.
You want to be the big spoon? You want? No, you want me to be the big spoon.
Whoa, I hadn't thought of that.
Okay, I'll take first watch.
In a couple hours, we'll switch.
Yeah, yup, you got it, Gene.
I'm not Gene.
I'm your wife Linda.
Rub my face.
- No.
Aah! - Linda.
Oh, I didn't see you there.
'Cause I snuck up on you.
Come, take a walk with me.
No, no.
I'm pretty tired.
Come, come.
Mm.
Mm.
I'm grabbing your arm, you're walking with me.
Here we go.
Why you want to come up here? I wanted to check in with you.
You wanted to check in, huh, on the widow's walk? I did.
Because your husband says you think I killed my husband.
No, no, don't listen to him.
He's-he's stoned out of his mind.
You think I did it.
I can tell by your face.
And because you're backing away.
Every time I walk towards you.
On the widow's walk.
Helen.
Where my husband died.
Died, Larry.
: Look who's here! The pool man! Rack 'em up, Gene.
Pool's in session.
Yay! It's loopy Dad! Am I talking funny? : Ahdo.
Ahl.
Ahourr.
All right, let's play pool.
Wait.
Where's Mom? She went with Helen.
Why? 'Cause Helen wanted to talk to her and be, like, "Why do you think I killed my husband?" Why would she be like that? 'Cause I told her Linda thinks she killed her husband.
And why would you tell her that?! Because we're friends, Gene! Oh, my God.
I got to find her! Okay, Helen, just stop moving, and I'll stop moving.
Oh, Linda, be careful.
You're standing almost exactly where Larry fell from.
It's very slippery.
Back off, sister! Wait.
You were in the rose garden when you saw Larry fall, right? Mm, I was.
I was so in the rose garden.
Then why can't we see the rose garden from this very spot?! You can.
It's right there.
Oh, right, yeah.
Pretty.
Linda, I didn't kill Larry.
I loved Larry.
Okay, I didn't love him, but I but I liked him.
I liked being married to him.
Right, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I didn't like being married to him, but I liked getting married to him.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, I didn't like our wedding day.
It was a hard day.
But the point is, I'm not a murderer.
I didn't kill him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I thought about killing him.
Who hasn't? But I didn't.
I-I couldn't.
Right, right.
Okay, I could, but I didn't.
Oh, sure, yeah.
Because he died.
Oh, God! Aah! Oh! Oh! You saved me.
Of course I did.
If I let you fall, they would think that I killed you, and I'm not going through that again.
Well, thank you.
I'm sorry for accusing you of murder.
You definitely didn't do it? I definitely didn't do it.
You didn't push him and then kill him? I didn't push anybody! All right.
Well, give me huggies.
Oh.
Aah, I'm pushing you! Oh, my face! No, I'm just kidding.
I'm kid I'm just kidding.
Oh.
Ha, ha! Get away from my mom! Louise, no! She didn't do it! Ow! My neck! So sharp! Oh! So sharp! Stop! Stop! Stop! Oh, boy! Get her off! Sorry! She won't let us cut her nails.
I'm so sorry, Helen.
How many times do I have to tell you people? Helen is not a murderer! I know, I know.
She promised she didn't kill Larry.
Now we're gal pals.
Of course she didn't kill Larry! She's a great woman.
And she's got interesting collar bones and a perfect forehead, and-and she's I didn't mean to say all that.
I Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ow! Aah! That's the guest bedroom! Ow! Ooh! Other bedroom! Oh! I got to fix that shingle! Oh! Ow! Ground.
Sweet ground.
I'm alive, everyone! Teddy! You fell so far! And for so long! How are you alive? I fell on the floor, and I can barely walk.
I guess you can just slip and fall off the roof.
I fall off roofs all the time.
Helen, your story checks out.
I'm so glad you're okay.
Did-did you mean that stuff you said up there? Uh, yeah? Well, I think you're great and have pretty good collarbones, and if you ever took off that hat, I bet you've got a forehead that goes all the way back.
Aw.
So sweet.
Let's get you inside.
Yeah.
Hey, look a mud box.
Hey, Henry, I found something.
I see you did.
Some crappy tool box.
I know why you buried this.
You do? Because you didn't want Teddy to think you had tools, so he'd come over and fix stuff.
Right.
Because you like him.
I do.
It's okay.
I won't tell anybody about your secret tools.
You know, I don't think you're gonna remember any of this anyway.
Yeah.
Let's go inside.
We're not inside? So listen, honey, next time you're in town, you and, uh, Teddy come by, have dinner at the restaurant, on us.
What? Well, I'd like that very much.
What kind of restaurant is it? Slop shop.
Butt hut.
It's nice.
I am in.
Perfect! I'll go there now and wait.
What a wonderful little adventurecation! Oh, I hurt so much.
Take it easy, killer! Ha! Killer.
Okay, see you soon! Helen, another pill.
Be safe! Give me another pill.
Here you go.
Buh-bye! Thank you.
LINDA: Don't kill anyone! Nah, you got it! What a sweetheart.
Ooh, let's go break into someone's lake house.
I'm falling for Helen And there's no tellin' Just how far a fella can fall For sure-fitted, strong-armed, wild-eyed widow like Helen Buh, buh-dah-dah, buh-duh There's no tellin' Just how far a fella can fall For a pill-poppin', home-wreckin' Long-necked widow like Helen Bah, bah-dah-dah, bump-ba I'm falling for Helen Bah, da, bah-dah-dah, ba, bup