Desperate Housewives s05e19 Episode Script

Well, I was driving my car one night I crashed into a utility pole.
And then to add insult to injury, I was electrocuted.
What can I say? It was one of those days.
All my neighbors heard it happen, so they quickly left their microwaved burritos and their expensive jars of moisturizer and their racy pay-per-view movies and they hurried outside, excited to see what all the ruckus was about.
But then, when they saw it was me, this weird thing happened.
For a moment, no one moved or said anything.
They just stared.
And then Oh, my God.
All hell broke loose.
Does anybody know C.
P.
R.
? There's been an accident.
Edie! Can you hear me? Yes, everyone suddenly became very concerned, which was touching, but ultimately pointless.
Moments before the ambulance finally arrived, I heard someone whisper Don't worry, Edie.
You're gonna get through this.
You're gonna be just fine.
Susan Mayer--wrong again.
Two seconds later, it happened.
With all of my neighbors surrounding me, I took my last breath.
The good news? I died just like I lived-- as the complete and utter center of attention.
Two days after I kicked the proverbial bucket, my husband asked my neighbors to do me a favor.
You could tell from the looks on their faces It wasn't something they wanted to do, But they agreed to do it anyway.
So the next day, they piled into a car with two thermoses filled with coffee, a basket filled with baked goods and an urn that was filled with me.
I hate that we have to do this.
So you've said.
I mean, it really is the kind of thing a relative should do.
Maybe it is, but we're in the car, on our way there, so stop your bitching.
Well, can you at least put the radio on? I won't feel like bitching if I can sing along to something.
If you start singing, I'll start bitching, and you don't want that.
It's a 4-hour drive.
We have to do something to pass the time.
Here's a thought.
Why don't we talk about Edie? And say what? I don't know, but she is the reason we're on this trip.
Uh, maybe we could share memories or tell stories.
Mm.
Why don't you start with the time she tried to steal your comatose boyfriend? That was fun.
- Okay, I was thinking of stories that put Edie in a positive light.
And after that five minutes is up, then what do we do? The woman is dead, people.
Let's honor her memory.
Well, I'm all for saying a few nice things but you were never really friends.
You and Edie clashed right from the start.
Yeah.
That's what everybody thinks.
But the the first time we met, it seemed like we'd end up being the best of friends.
Oh, that's disgusting.
No, it's okay.
It landed on the detergent box.
Here.
You go buy yourself a fresh doughnut or booze, crack, whatever eases the pain.
Just move it along.
Uh, you think I'm homeless.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I live here.
I-I can prove it.
I know exactly what's in this garbage bag.
Um, empty carton of eggs, coffee grinds, shampoo bottle Wart removal cream? You're right.
I'm homeless.
Susan Mayer.
Oh.
It's all cleared up.
Mm.
Edie Britt.
I just moved in down the street.
Oh, yeah.
I saw the moving van.
Welcome.
Thanks.
So is it just you, or do you have a family? I have a son.
He lives with his dad.
It's a long story.
I'll tell you one day over a margarita.
You wanna invite me in for a margarita? How about coffee? I just put on a pot.
Great.
You can fill me in on all of the neighborhood gossip, starting with the redhead across the street with the muffin basket.
That's a robot, right? Funny and likes to gossip.
We're gonna get along just fine.
- Yes, we are.
Wait.
Stop.
Could we just rest for a second? We've only gone four blocks.
Okay, I lied.
I hate running.
Well, why didn't you say something? We've been doing this for a week.
Because we were starting to become friends, and you like to run, and I like to sit and one of us had to give.
Hi, Susan! - Oh, hi, Helen, Ed.
I would have introduced you, but once Helen starts talking, she doesn't shut up.
Right.
Ed told me that.
- Oh, you met Ed? Oh, yeah.
I've gotten to know him quite well.
Yeah? We're kinda doing it.
Doing what? It.
Ed is married.
Yeah, I'm a naughty girl.
No, you're being immoral.
You're committing adultery.
Actually, Ed's committing adultery.
I'm just getting laid.
You know, forget I ever mentioned it.
I can't forget something like this.
Helen is my very good friend.
- I thought you just said that she was-- She is annoying, and I hide when she knocks on my door, but she does not deserve for you to be wrecking her marriage.
Where are you going? Home.
Oh, so you're not gonna be my friend anymore? I don't think so.
I thought you didn't like running.
Well, it depends on what I'm running away from! Hi.
I'm the whore that lives down the street.
Could I borrow a cup of condoms? A cup? Are you sure that'll be enough? Look, I know that you don't like me, but I am here to do you a favor anyway.
I was out to dinner last night, and I saw your husband with another woman.
Really? I feel bad saying it, but if I were in your shoes, I would want to know.
You're welcome.
Oh, I get it.
So you feel I judged you, and for revenge, you're trying to make me insecure about my marriage.
If I wanted revenge, I would have joined them and made it a threesome.
You know, Karl would never cheat, And the woman he was with-- Brandi, his secretary, and he took her out for her birthday.
Oh, the old "I'm taking my secretary out for her birthday" routine.
Hmm.
Nice tip of the hat to the classics.
Okay, well, since you're on this moral roll, why don't we walk over to Helen's? and I will introduce you.
We can have some tea, And then you two could swap stories about Ed's favorite positions.
What I do and what Brandi's doing is completely different.
How? I'm not looking to break up anyone's marriage.
I'm in it for a little fun, some free meals and to help an unhappy man through his midlife crisis.
Wow.
You're just a giver.
Fine.
Use all of your energy judging me and ignore the real problem.
But let me tell you something.
This is my area of expertise, and I saw the look in that woman's eyes.
She's not in it for the free meals.
She's in it for keeps.
You should leave now.
You know, Susan, I'm trying to help my neighbor out.
I thought it was the moral thing to do.
Three weeks later, I found Brandi's bra in Karl's glove compartment, and, well, you know the rest.
Say what you want about Edie, she really understood men.
I should hope so.
After all those years of research I can't help thinking about all the times Edie and I sniped at each other.
We could have been good friends.
Well, if she knew what you're about to do for her, she'd forgive you for everything.
Okay, my hour's up.
Someone else hold Edie now.
Mm.
- I'll take her.
Kinda looks like cat litter.
Lynette, don't look at Edie.
Or what, I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty.
Uh, Gaby, before we learn what Edie tastes like I got it.
I think a little more reverence for the dead is in order.
Oh, please.
We're talking about Edie.
A little more irreverence is what we need.
Give it.
Do you guys remember when you took turns driving me to chemo? Well, none of you did it like Edie.
Hey, Lynette.
Hey.
How you feelin'? Eh, same.
Well, here's the DVD you asked for.
Thanks.
I'll watch it during chemo if I'm not too tired.
Here we go.
Oh, hi, Edie.
Hi.
Ugh.
What is that? It's a health shake of fermented brown rice, and for her entrée, a salad of radish, burdock root and Bok Choy.
Mmm.
What's for dessert, waterboarding? Thanks.
I can't get comfortable.
Could you fluff my pillows? - Of course.
Well, I've got errands to run, and I'll be back to drive you to chemo.
Before you go, would you put my socks back on? My feet are cold again.
Oh, of course.
Katherine, you have got stuff to do.
Why don't I take her to chemo? It's fine.
Okay.
See you tomorrow then.
Bye.
Okay, where's your coat? Why? Chemo's not until 5:00.
Yeah, I've gotta make a little stop on the way.
Edie! - Whoo! Been here before? A couple of times.
You're gonna love it.
Hey! Love it? I have cancer.
I probably shouldn't even use the ladies' room in this place.
Oh, there isn't a ladies' room, so that's not a problem.
Um, I Edie, I have chemo in half an hour.
Fine.
Then we better start drinking.
- I'm not supposed to drink.
And they're not supposed to do tattoos in the kitchen, but I have a bald eagle on my ass that says otherwise.
Two tequila shooters! Hey, Edie! Reggie! Oh, I thought you were in Florida.
Nah.
That was just a body they identified as me.
Oh.
Reggie, this is my friend Lynette.
I'm trying to cheer her up a little.
Right on.
You wanna shoot some stick? Uh No, thanks.
Oh, come on.
You can totally take him.
No, I can't.
Uh, see? Cancer.
Oh.
No sweat.
I'll play you one-handed.
Can you excuse us for one second? I need to go to chemo.
I have-- - Cancer.
Yeah, I heard.
And what do you want from me? I want you to fluff your own pillows.
You need to start fighting this thing.
I'm doing the best I can.
Oh, not even close.
Hell, Lynette, you--you are the strongest person I know.
You're even stronger than me, and that's saying something.
Now I may be a little out of line bringing you here, But you need to remember who you are.
Screw cancer.
You are Lynette Scavo.
Two tequilas.
Now where's that one-armed friend of yours? I'm--wanna shoot some stick.
Wow.
It sounds like she gave you just what you needed.
Good for Edie.
- She never let me forget it either.
She always insisted it was the tequila shooters that killed the cancer.
Oh, what the hell is that? Oh, not now.
We have a flat.
Maybe it's a sign we're not supposed to do this today.
Nice try.
We don't have time for this.
Anybody know how to change a tire? You want to hand me that cross wrench? - Do you wanna tell me what that is? It's the T-shaped dealie I'm gonna whack you with if you don't hand it over.
You know, Edie used to live around here when she moved away from Wisteria Lane.
You mean when you gals gave her the boot.
- Less yakkin', more jackin'.
Bree, how did you know where she lived? Um, I ran into her once, unexpectedly in a place I never thought I'd be.
Bree Hodge.
Follow me.
I'll get you situated, and I'll bring your husband in.
Is that the visitors' room? Yeah.
Why? You don't happen to have a private room, do you? You mean, like an upgrade, something with a couch and softer lighting? That would be lovely.
Oh.
You were being sarcastic.
Yes, ma'am.
Are you ready to-- Oh, not, uh, just yet.
It's not a bad idea, having an upgrade available.
I bet that's a perk people would be willing to pay for.
Ma'am, it's a prison.
The only perk we offer is a cavity search.
Um To be honest, I-I'm not feeling up to this.
I'm gonna have to come back another day.
Fine.
He's got another visitor scheduled anyway, so I don't even have to tell him you were here.
Another visitor? Who? Some lady.
She visits him every week.
Every week? What's her name? I can't give you that.
If she's visiting my husband, I think I have a right to know.
Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I cannot give you her name.
Really? Because I would consider that a perk worth paying for.
Well, well.
What are you doing here? I wanted to see you.
And you didn't bring muffins? It isn't that kind of visit.
No muffins, no small talk.
Should I be scared or grateful? I stopped by the prison today.
The guard tells me you've been visiting Orson-- Sometimes twice a week, she said.
Oh.
Who knew lady prison guards could be so chatty? What are you up to, Edie? I'm not up to anything, you redheaded ice cube.
He's 15 minutes away.
And quite frankly, I feel sorry for him.
After all, I know what it's like to be exiled from suburbia.
So you're not Trying to start up something? He's in jail.
My boobs are impressive, but they can't bend iron bars.
Well Thank you for checking in on him and for answering my question.
I have a question.
Why aren't you visiting him? Oh, well, my schedule is just unreal, what with the catering company and looking after Benjamin.
Yeah, well, we're all busy.
Come on.
Why haven't you been to see him? That jail is it's disgusting.
All those men in cages, like animals.
Even to step foot in that place is humiliating.
That man went to jail for you.
Do you have any idea how much he must love you? I do.
Then why can't you suck it up once a month and go and say hi? Try to help him get through this living nightmare.
Why can't you do that? Now as I think about it, don't visit him.
He can do so much better than you.
So how are you doing? How do you think? You're right.
I shouldn't have asked.
I know it's horrible here.
How would you know? You've never been.
You have every right to hate me.
There's no need to be melodramatic.
I meant for asking you to come here, for insisting you turn yourself in.
Oh.
Now that I see this place, I don't know what I was thinking.
You were thinking I needed to take responsibility for what I did, and you were right.
But still, asking you to make this sacrifice and not ever coming to see you How can you ever forgive me? Just be there when I get out.
I never told you about that because I was embarrassed.
Yeah, Edie Britt shamed you into being a better human being.
That is embarrassing.
All right, ladies, we're ready to ride.
Good.
We got some ground to make up.
I was hoping we would be able to get there before dark.
How do you think he'll react when we tell him? How do you think? I never thought Edie would be cremated.
I figured she'd wanna be pumped full of chemicals and preserved.
Isn't that what she did for the last 15 years? My theory-- Edie knew if she was buried, her true date of birth would be carved into a tombstone for all the world to see.
You really think she spent a lot of time thinking about her death? Yeah, I do.
I spent a night with her right after Carlos and I got divorced.
Is this too red? I think I need something pinker.
It's fine.
Hurry up.
I want to get to the club while this bikini wax is still fresh.
This is gonna be fun.
I can't believe we've never gone out on the town together.
Well, we've never been single together before.
Oh, I feel so sorry for all those other girls in the bar.
Oh, so do I.
To be fair, we should probably walk in backwards.
Oh, no, that won't work.
We're an unstoppable team.
Mm, the hottest chicks on Wisteria Lane.
Oh, be nice.
There are lots of attractive women on the street.
Like who? How about Bree? Uh, with that hair color, you could stick a red nose on her, and she could join the circus.
Lynette's beautiful.
Mm, for a baby factory.
And Susan? - We're the hottest, okay? Wow.
Too much? No, it's great.
All right.
Come on.
Let's go.
Wow! You were right about this place.
Told ya.
A lot of hotties, very few "notties.
" Ooh.
Ladies, this is from the gentleman at the end of the bar.
Oh, and I just sat down.
Well, that's a personal best.
Actually, the drink's for her.
Oh.
Oh! - It's pretty dark in here.
He probably didn't get a good look at me.
Oh, Edie, don't take it personally.
We're just different types.
You're right.
Some like tall, blonde and sexy, And some men like that.
Now, now, Edie.
Don't be snarky.
We're both hot, remember? Although, apparently, I'm just a little bit hotter.
Well, one guy might think so.
One guy who's evidently intimidated by full-sized womanly breasts.
Hmm.
Yes, I guess I am a little on the small side.
That's the drawback to having ones that are real.
What are you talking about? These are real.
Oh, Edie, come on.
When you jump up and down, the room moves more than your boobs.
Well, someone obviously has a chip on her shoulder.
I'd reach down and knock it off, but I can't go down that low.
Okay, you really think you're hotter an me? Let's just say that I have more of what men want.
Yeah? Well, I have a vodka soda here that says otherwise.
Ooh! So he bought you one drink-- A well drink, I might add.
Well, it's one more than you got.
Are you saying that I can't get a man to buy me a cocktail? Sure, you can, just not as many as me.
One hour.
Whoever gets the most swizzle sticks by the end wins.
See ya in an hour, loser.
# I know what boys like, we know what guys want # # I know what boys like, we know what guys like # # I make them want me # # I like to tease them # # they want to touch me # # I never let them # # I know what boys like # # we know what guys want # # I know what boys like # # boys like # # boys like me # # sucker # # I know what boys like # # we know what guys want # # na-na na-na na # # na-na na-na na # Count 'em and weep, Solis.
Well, I guess I could do that.
Or I could do this.
Ah.
I should make some kind of speech.
But I think it's enough.
We both know I crushed you, right? Now if you'll excuse me, swizzle stick number 17 has a yacht and giant feet.
Whoo-hoo! What the hell were you thinking, abandoning me at a singles bar? I'm sorry.
I just needed to be by myself for while.
Why? Don't tell me you're depressed because you lost some stupid game.
I'm not depressed.
I'm surprised.
It's going by so quickly.
What is? My youth.
The harder I try to hold on to it, the more it just slips through my fingers.
And all the makeup and dim lighting in the world can't seem to stop it.
Oh, please.
You're gorgeous.
And you are going to stay that way forever.
Hmm.
That's the tricky part.
I'm not gonna be old.
What? Ever since I was a child, I've known that I was never gonna see 50.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
No, it's true.
As far back as I can remember, a voice in my head said, "live it up today, 'cause you're not gonna have a lot of tomorrows.
" You do realize there's medication designed to get rid of those voices? It's not a bad thing, Gaby.
It's actually a gift.
I appreciate my life in a way that most people don't.
I just didn't expect it to go by this fast.
That's all.
Well, you know what? I have a voice inside my head that says you're wrong.
It tells me that 50 years from now, you and I will still be wearing dresses too tight and walking in heels too high and going to bars where we'll meet old geezers who'll buy us drinks with the last of their Social Security checks.
If you say so.
Now come on.
Let's go to my house.
Let's pop open a bottle of wine and toast to our future.
Why not? Isn't that weird? She knew she was gonna die young.
What do you mean, you two were the hottest chicks on the lane? She called me a baby factory? Yeah, Gaby, in hindsight, maybe you shouldn't have told that part of the story.
Oh, pfft.
I think we're here.
So are we ready for this? I don't know.
Can you ever be ready to tell a boy that his mother is dead? Hey, Travers.
Remember us? Sure.
Wow.
You brought the whole neighborhood with you.
Did my mom come with you? We brought you some muffins.
You can share them with your roommates or maybe a favorite teacher.
What's going on? Is my mom in trouble or something? Come here.
I'm afraid we have some bad news.
Your mom was in a very serious accident, and I am so sorry but she passed away.
She died? When? A couple of days ago.
We've been trying to get in touch with your dad, but he's still out of the country.
And your mom's new husband's never met you, so he thought it would be best if we told you.
Wow.
If you'd like, we could give you a moment.
No.
I'm okay.
Well, I have a class.
Uh, I'm sure the school will understand if you need to miss a few days.
I don't need to do that.
I mean, I'm sorry she's dead, but we weren't very close.
Still, she was your mother.
Technically.
But not a very good one.
Look, Travers, we're all moms here.
We've all made mistakes with our kids, and what we count on is when they grow up, they'll forgive us.
- My mom didn't even try to raise me.
I mean, she just handed me to my father and walked away.
How do you expect me to forgive that? Look, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be rude, but I'm gonna be late.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Wait a second.
Travers, you need to know something about your mom, and I'm gonna tell you.
Now sit down.
I'd only known your mom about a year when she came over to my house this one day.
Hey, Karen! Your porch light's on.
Whoa.
Sitting in your bathrobe drinking, and you didn't call me? I kinda wanted to be alone.
Why? It's the anniversary of my son's death.
Ohh.
I'm sorry.
Every year I think it'll get easier, and it never does.
Nothing worse than losing a child.
In a way, you're kinda lucky you don't have any.
Actually, I do.
What? Mm, I have a son.
You lived here a year.
How do I not know this? Because he lives with his father.
When I got divorced, I gave him full custody, so I kinda know how you feel.
I mean, we've both lost kids.
No.
I lost a kid.
You gave yours away.
And you have the nerve to tell me you know how I feel? I gave him up because I wanted to protect him.
From who? From me.
You know, I tried to be a good mom.
I really did.
But I know myself.
And if he if he was gonna grow up normal, he needed to get away from me.
What a cop-out.
I think you're just being selfish.
You know, trust me, Karen, there is nothing that you could say to make me think less about myself than I already do.
But if it gives him a chance, it's worth it.
Aren't you afraid he's gonna hate you? I love him enough to let him hate me.
Well, I hope you're not making a big mistake.
Well me, too.
So I'm not defending everything she did, Travers, but you have to know, she loved you, more than you can imagine.
I really need to get to class.
Bup, bup, bup.
I believe I called shotgun.
God, she is so good at that.
She should be.
She's been doing it since she rode shotgun on an actual stagecoach.
Hey.
Hey.
I realized I never thanked you for coming all the way out here just to tell me.
That was really cool of you.
We felt we owed it to your mom.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe we forgot.
What? We, uh Also came to give you your mom's ashes.
We thought you might wanna scatter them somewhere.
Unless that's a little weird for you.
Why don't you guys take 'em? Are you sure? Yeah.
You were her best friends.
I'm sure you could think of the perfect place to put her.
Okay, we're here.
Guys wake up.
Guys? We're home.
Get out.
Lord, Lynette.
You nearly gave me a heart attack.
Yeah, I'd like to see Edie again, but not tonight.
Oh, I think my leg's asleep.
Actually, that's my leg.
Get your hand off.
Lynette, thank you again for driving.
You bet.
- Hold it.
We still gotta figure out where we're gonna spread the ashes.
Now it's gotta be someplace that was meaningful to Edie.
Well, Edie once told me she lost her virginity in a cow pasture.
If we can find that exact field we'd find a lot of traumatized cows.
Do we really need to do this tonight? They're ashes.
It's not like they're gonna go bad.
Fine.
We'll talk tomorrow.
Oh, Edie, what are we gonna do with you? Subtle as always, I see.
This was a wonderful idea, Karen.
It wasn't exactly mine.
Now be careful.
You're spilling Edie.
Urn is empty.
Let's do it.
Shouldn't we say something first? Like what? I don't know.
A few words describing how we felt about her? I don't think Edie would want us to get all sappy.
Well, I think if we're quick about it, she'd be fine.
Mm.
Here's a thought-- We all say one word that sums up what we thought of her.
And then we dump her? - Then we dump her.
Just one word.
This is hard.
Mm.
Okay, I got one.
I'll go first.
Edie Britt was sexy.
Perceptive.
Strong.
Beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
I need four words.
Ay.
Okay.
I want to do Edie justice, and for that to happen, I need four words, okay? Edie would so not be surprised you're ruining this moment.
Go ahead, Susan.
What are your four words for Edie? One of a kind.
Now it's time.
And that is how Wisteria Lane came to be my final resting place.
My ashes were spread over grass I had once walked on beneath trees that had once given me shade on top of roses I once admired and beside fences I once gossiped over.
And after my friends had finished saying good-bye, a wind came along and took what was left of me into the air.
As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it.
I let go of white picket fences and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners.
I let go of all those things which seem so ordinary, but when you put them together, they make up a life a life that really was one of a kind.
I'll tell you something-- It's not hard to die when you know you have lived, and I did.
Oh, how I lived.