Home Improvement s05e19 Episode Script

Tim! Tim, guess who's in the building.
Well, it's not shaking, so it can't be your mom.
Kelly Barnes, from Detroit Today - The newsmagazine show.
- Right.
You know, her show on fabric softeners changed my life.
It turns out that Light 'N' Fluffy was responsible for my chafing problem.
- I had this really scaly rash right here - Al, Al, I just ate lunch.
Hi, Tim? I'm Kelly Barnes, Detroit Today.
Channel 10.
Hi, Kelly Barnes.
Tim Taylor, Tool Time What are we? Channel 123 now, I think.
- Al Borland.
Pleasure to meet you.
- You too.
I stopped chafing because of you.
Just now? No.
- Al? Got something to do? - Yeah.
Yeah.
What can I do for you? Well, Tim, Detroit Today is thinking about doing a story on you and your show.
Can you capture what we do? It's not just about tools - it's about reclaiming the male spirit.
Yeah, I know.
It's a powerful manifesto for men in the '90s.
Well, not just for men in their 90s, but younger men, too.
Hey! That looks just like the old jack plane my dad used to use.
They started making these in the 18th century.
Right.
You know your tools.
You know what would make a great Tool Time? - An entire show about hand tools.
- I love that idea.
You know, I've always been fascinated by that whole mantoolgestalt thing.
Yeah, me too.
Gestalt? Do you feel that when you use a hand tool, that it's like an extension of your own body? I do now.
- Mom, we're hungry.
- How come you're not cooking dinner? Look at me.
Does it look like I'm capable of preparing a decent meal? No one said it had to be decent.
Just make what you usually make.
Mom, you didn't iron my pants for school tomorrow.
Well, I am so sorry, Brad.
I have been selfishly tending to my fever.
Hand them over and I'll iron them with the heat from my forehead! All right, sorry.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dad.
How's it going? Great.
- How're you feeling? - Lousy.
My head feels like a lead balloon- That's too bad.
I'll tell you, the good news is I feel great.
- Big week at Tool Time - What's going on? We're gonna do a show on hand tools, which are not just hand tools.
They're an extension of my body.
Tim, I think you and your tools are seeing too much of each other.
Detroit Today doesn't think so.
They're doing a profile on me.
- Is that that show with Kelly Barnes? - She was at the studio today.
Man, she's fine! Does she look that awesome in person? Oh-ho-ho! Nothing compared to your mother, of course.
- We have a special show today.
- It's actually more than a show.
It's a powerful metaphor of how men live their lives today.
We're going to be getting back to basics.
We'll be working entirely with hand tools.
I like to call it Tool Time Unplugged We're doing a whole show with no power.
Because real power doesn't come from an electrical current.
It comes from the current within man.
Of course, you want to be sure that that current is grounded in reality.
We're gonna be building a mahogany chest like this one.
Starting out with a hand saw.
When a man uses a hand saw instead of a power saw, he can see and feel the relationship between the saw and the wood.
See it and feel it.
See and feel.
I don't see anything happening.
Well, that's because mahogany is a very, very dense wood.
Ah.
The challenge with hand tools is you gotta stick with it.
So, Al, please stick with it.
While Al is sticking, I'd like to talk about the deeper meaning behind Tool Time What defines the soul of man? Stick with me while we plumb the depths of my own personal gestalt.
Tim, the only thing these people want to see you plumb is a toilet.
You misjudge my audience.
I think they wanna go on this manly journey with me.
Right, guys? You guys, sit back down.
Next segment, Heidi's doing a vibrating-sander demonstration.
Tim, fabulous show! Thanks.
Did you like that metaphor about the current within the man? Oh Usually around here the current runs through the man.
Very clever.
So, what are you gonna show me next? We can either go to my house and show you where the Tool Man takes off his belt.
Or we can go by Harry's Hardware, where I bought the belt.
Well, we should do both.
I want to know everything there is to know about you.
Yeah.
OK, well We might as well start at the beginning.
When I was first born, I was a tool man actually, a tool tot.
- You know my first two words? - No.
Ooh, ooh.
- That's so cute.
- Let's go to Harry's Hardware.
- This way.
- Good night.
Bye.
- Did you see the way they were flirting? - Al, they're just being friendly.
Friendly? She was coming on to him.
And he was coming unglued faster than than the last thing he glued.
She's not coming on to him.
Oh, you just wouldn't understand.
You're not a sexual creature like me.
- Oh, hi, Al.
- Hi.
Tim told me you were sick, so I brought you over my very special vaporizer.
I've used this ever since I was a little boy to nurse myself back to health.
That is so sweet.
There you go.
Now, the cowboy's arm is the onoff switch.
And the steam comes out the horse's mouth.
Gosh.
I don't know whether to say "thank you" or "yippee-ti-yi-yo.
" Well, use it every night and you'll be back in the saddle before you know it.
Thanks, partner.
By the way, I saw Tool Time today.
Am I insane or did I hear Tim actually use the word "gestalt"? Well, he picked that up from me, 'cause I use that all the time.
I can't stop using that word.
Gestalt.
Gestalt, gestalt! He was showing off for that reporter, wasn't he? Reporter? No, no, no! He was showing off for me.
And it's my fault, because I used that musk aftershave.
He is so pathetic.
A beautiful woman strokes his ego, and he starts strutting around like he's God's gift to cable television.
- I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.
- Should I be worried? No.
I'm not worried.
It's OK with me if he wants to act like an idiot.
Does it all the time.
As long as he doesn't send out any signals that he's interested in her.
No.
Definitely not sending out signals.
No.
But if he was, which he's not, what kind of signals would those be? Well, when Tim was first interested in me, he would do things like brush the hair out of my eyes and tuck it behind my ear.
Or when he held the door open for me, he'd guide me through by gently touching the small of my back.
When I was first dating llene, I had some pretty smooth moves of my own.
Yeah? There was this one night at miniature golf, I gave her this kind of subtle come-hither look as we stood by the windmill.
I see the chafing's back, Al.
- Right this way.
- Come on in.
All right.
Here we are in the home of the Tool Man.
- Let's take a look around.
Here's my wife.
- Ah! - Here's his lovely wife Jill.
- God, Tim! You didn't tell me they were coming tonight! I look awful! Oh, you look great except for that crusty stuff around your nose.
- Tim! - This is Kelly Barnes from Detroit Today - Hi.
- Hi, Jill.
Nick, cut.
Jill, look, you don't have to worry.
We'll interview you and the kids another time.
I'd ap ap preciate it.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Hi, Al.
Nice to see you.
I didn't know you and Tim were friends outside of the show.
Yes, we are.
I'm also extremely fond of Tim's beloved wife Jill.
I just stopped by to lend her my cowboy vaporizer.
It's a great companion piece to his Howdy Doody heating pad.
Oh, I love men who are funny.
I love being funny.
What do you say we go to the garage, and I'll show you the hot rod.
- Oh, great.
- OK? Um, you've seen the Tool Man at work.
Now you see the Tool Man at play.
Gotta go! So, are you finally done? Well, I am, but there's no telling when those two will be done.
Wait a minute.
What do you think of this one? Oh, that's the biggest one I've ever seen.
So, is the interview finally over? I think it would be a good idea if I took the whole crew and Kelly to Big Mike's.
Show her where we do post-production for Tool Time - Shall we get going? - OK.
- OK.
It was really nice to meet you, Jill.
- Nice to meet you.
See you.
Tim? Can I speak to you for a moment, please? - Kelly, you go on.
I'll be right on your tail.
- OK.
- What's up? - You tell me.
- What are you talking about? - You and Kelly, you're flirting! I mean, you you you brushed your hand against the small of her back! Oh, my God! Not the small of her back! Tim, you are crossing the line.
- By touching the small of her back? - Yeah.
You might have a point if I was touching, like, the big of her front.
You're acting like a hormone-crazed teenager.
You're getting all worked up over nothing.
We're two professionals just doing a job.
For Pete's sake, honey.
She's not even my type.
That voluptuous look that drives most men crazy - that type does nothing for me.
- But you did manage to notice.
- Well, I'm an observant guy.
OK.
What was I wearing before you went in the garage? You changed? Wilson? Now, I hope I'm not disturbing you, my nasally challenged neighborette.
But I brought you a home remedy for your cold.
Oh, thank you.
Come on in.
Why are you wearing a mask? I didn't want to get any of your germs because I'm on my way to the birthing center.
I'm their substitute midwife.
Wilson, you are amazing.
- Whoa! This smells strong.
- Yes.
That's my own special blend of lemon, honey, oak-barrel Scotch whisky.
Some people say it is the quintessential hot toddy.
Wow! So, where's Tim? Well, he's with a little hot toddy of his own.
Ohh, that voluptuous young lady that's been following him around.
That type does nothing for me.
Well, she keeps telling him how great he is and he's turning into Tim "the Drool Man.
" Well, Jill, as the French say, there is nothing so silly as the expression of a man who is being complimented by a woman.
What do they say when the compliments turn into something serious? I believe that term would be "ooh-la-la!" You should've seen the way they acted around each other.
I wouldn't be concerned about it.
Probably it's just their pheromones at work.
What's that? They're chemical signals which are picked up by a sense organ in the nose.
Many times it can indicate a physical attraction.
And I'm not supposed to be concerned? You and Tim share something much bigger.
A mortgage? No - endorphins.
They're the chemicals that make you feel needed and loved.
Mm.
So you think that Tim's endorphins are stronger than his pheromones? Well, knowing Tim as I do, I'm sure they are.
Ah, Wilson.
Thank you so much.
Just listening to you talk about Tim is making my endorphins kick in.
Actually, Jill, that may not be the endorphins.
It's probably the booze in the hot toddy.
Nothing like Big Mike's.
Two blocks east of Jefferson, near the old assembly plant.
It's where I go to get my favorite sandwich, the Big Stinky.
- How is the Lady Stinky? - Oh, it lived up to its name.
How about dessert? Actually, I think we've had enough.
Why don't you pack it in, Nick? - No problem.
- OK, well Do you feel like hanging back and shooting a little pool? I can do that.
So, if I let Nick go home, you could give me a lift? - I could do that.
- Great.
Good night, Nick.
OK, I'll break them.
OK, I will rack.
- All right, you'll need this.
- Yeah.
OK.
Whoa! - Well, maybe I should break.
- OK.
- All right.
- So, you're good at pool? Oh, I'm good at a lot of things.
You're good with balls.
- Tim, you're blushing.
- No, I'm not.
No.
That's, uh That's the Big Stinkies.
I Whew! I shouldn't eat those.
The sauerkraut I'm allergic to sauerkraut.
It makes the blood rush really quickly to my face.
Hmm.
Interesting.
You know you shouldn't eat the sandwich, but because of your passion for it, you can't hold back.
I like that.
I could hold back if I wanted to maybe.
But why resist something you want so much? Why do I get the idea you're not just talking about the Big Stinky? I don't think that's what either one of us is talking about.
- No? - Mm-mm.
Mm-mm Oh whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Kelly, I think you got the wrong idea here.
- Wait.
I thought this was your idea.
Well, then I have the wrong idea.
Wait, I don't understand, Tim.
I mean, from the way things were going, I mean, I thought we'd end up back at my place and you'd be licking champagne off my toes.
Whoa! Oh, boy! If I would be licking champagne off anybody's toes, it would be my wife's.
And that'd have to be some pretty strong champagne.
You know, Tim, you were sending out some pretty clear signals.
You know, if I was, I shouldn't have been.
Um I'm the type of guy, like on Tool Time.
I get carried away.
I'm always pushing that line.
But that's on Tool Time.
and this isn't Tool Time And the truth is I really, really love my wife.
OK.
Why don't we get going? We'll finish the interview at your house tomorrow.
- Perfect.
Yeah, all right.
- All right.
So, I'll give you a lift home? - Actually, why don't I just catch a cab? - Kelly? Two adults? It's OK.
I can give you a lift home.
Promise, no more signals unless I'm changing lanes.
Jill? Hi.
How are we feeling? Very, very good.
I brought you something to make you feel better.
More liquor? Wilson's hot toddy? Very, very good.
Sit down.
Well, we finished taping the Big Mike's part.
Um Remember that line you said I might be crossing? Line? You mean Chorus Line # One Honey, honey, honey, no.
If that revival ever comes to town, we have got to see it.
I love that show.
Yeah, sit back.
No, no, no.
Come on.
- It's so good.
- No.
I'm talking about the line people might cross if they go past flirting into licking toes dipped in champagne.
You brought me champagne! Honey, honey, honey! - Come on.
Come on.
- I'm OK.
- Get up.
- I'm OK.
- Stick with me.
I'm trying to talk.
- I'm with you.
What are we talking about? That line.
- # One - No, no, honey.
Put your leg down.
- Put your leg down.
- She came on to you, didn't she? Yes.
But nothing happened.
Nothing happened.
I told her there was nothing she could do to hold a candle to what I have at home.
Hey, why don't you open your little present? - Present? - Yeah.
Nasal spray! - The pharmacist said that'll clear it right - That's so sweet.
Well, there's plenty more where that came from.
- You know what Wilson told me today? - Hmm? He said that there's something inside your nose that makes you attractive to people.
Um I gotta say it's not working for me.
Tell me.
Mark.
what's it like having the Tool Man for a father? Oh.
it's fun You get to ride in a lot of ambulances And, Randy, what's your father's best quality? Well, he heals pretty quickly.
So, Brad, tell me, is Tool Time your favorite show? No.
Actually, my favorite show is yours, Kelly.
My friends and I never miss it.
Really? I didn't realize I was so popular among kids your age.
You know, I may look like a kid, but I'm actually 19.
And, Jill, if you could describe your husband in one word, what would that be? Mine.