Roseanne s05e19 Episode Script
It's a Boy!
[knocking on window.]
David? Oh, man.
You're not gonna, like, read me a poem or something, are you? Darlene, help me.
What are you doing here? It's, like, 2 in the morning.
I gotta talk to you.
Is that what you sleep in? Well, my pasties and g-string are in the wash.
All right, look.
I have something to say to you, And it's really important that you don't interrupt me.
Wait, let me guess.
"Darlene, you just don't understand.
It's different for boys.
It's gotta be now, I tell you.
Now.
" My parents are getting divorced.
My dad left this morning with Lisa and Nicky.
Mom wants us to move back to Michigan.
I don't wanna leave you.
So I think you and me should go to New York now.
I mean, if this is too much of a rush, I can come back in a couple hours.
Whoa.
David, we can't just leave.
Hey, you're the one who wanted to get out of Lanford.
Well, that was after we got into art school.
What's the difference? You're right.
What was I thinking? We'll just show up to a new york bus station with no money.
The only thing we have left to figure out is who's gonna play me In Darlene, portrait of a teenage runaway.
Darlene, you hate it here.
Give me one good reason not to run away.
Well, it'd make it a lot harder to look down on Becky.
At least she had the guts to go off with my brother.
You obviously don't give a damn about me.
Ooh, I hope you don't double dog dare me.
Then i'll have to go.
Fine, i'll go to New York myself.
I can't live with my mother, not without my father there.
What, so that's it? You're just leaving? What do you care? Hey, I care! No, you don't.
Of course, I do! I love you! Jerk.
Really? Are you sure? Yeah, i'm sure you're a jerk.
No, I mean not-- wow.
Why didn't you ever say it before? Hopin' it'd pass.
So then are we going, or what? Wait a minute, David.
This is, like, a big commitment.
I mean, you're talking about living together.
We haven't even slept together yet.
Well Shut up.
[laughing.]
Hey, can I talk to you? Sure, i'll try anything once.
Hey.
Oh, well.
Never mind.
Whoa whoa.
What am I missing here? Oh, it's no big deal.
We'll talk about it later.
If you can talk about it with your mother, You can talk about it with me.
Okay.
I need more tampons.
What do you think? I don't think that's it.
All right.
Well, if I was gonna ask for something really big, You'd want me to just, like, come out and say it, right? I don't know.
If you're gonna ask for something big, I might wanna see a dance first.
Well, David's parents are getting divorced, And he's supposed to move to michigan with his mom.
And I was wondering, can he move in with us? Darlene, if we were gonna say "no" to something big, You'd want us to come right out and say it, right? Well, why not? I mean, he can sleep on the couch, And he'll get a job and pitch in, And he wasn't raised by you guys, So he's real well-behaved.
I'm sorry, Darlene.
The answer's no.
You don't know how much this means to me.
I mean, david's the reason I came out of my mood last year And stopped being so difficult.
You stopped being difficult? Well, why didn't you tell us? We would've had a party.
All right, but i'm a lot better than I was.
And we're not sleeping together, So you don't have to worry about that.
It's just that I love him.
Stop looking at me.
And the fact that i'm sharing my feelings with you When i'd rather gouge my eyes out Should prove that i'm being sincere.
Well, what does David's mother think of this? Mrs.
Healy's for it.
She's gonna have a hard enough time supporting herself.
She also wants him to finish high school with his friends.
Okay, Darlene, you've made your point.
Now me and your dad will discuss it.
All right.
I just wanna say that I know this is the sort of thing That typical parents would object to.
I've always thought you guys were cooler than typical parents.
No, seriously.
Thank you.
God bless you.
Chair recognizes the cute guy in the overalls.
Yes.
How long should we pretend to discuss this Before we go out and tell her no? You've gotta admire her technique, though.
That stuff with telling us how cool we are and everything.
And that stuff about sharing her feelings, Man, that was reminiscent of the great Becky conner.
This is her first boyfriend, Rosie.
It's gonna be really rough.
I know that, Dan, but, gee, we can't fix everything.
It'd be nice to fix one thing once.
We just can't afford it.
Besides, you never know about kids.
What if he starts demanding things? Like food? I can't believe his mother's okay with this.
I mean, do you think she's cooler than us? Of course she's okay.
She's got the boy.
It's the girl's parents who do all the suffering.
Well, I just cannot stand the idea That in a couple of years, D.
J.
will be out there Making some other parent's life a living hell.
Yeah.
[both laughing.]
Hi.
Hey.
How was work? All right.
We really nailed mom.
Cool.
Did she cry? There's this guy, He comes in every day, he orders the same thing, He never leaves a tip.
So today, Roseanne wrote a note to him from "mom" That says, "I want your body.
" Not my Rosie.
That's crazy talk! So, this time when the guy leaves, He leaves mom this huge tip, And on the way out, she says, "please, come again.
" And he says, "sure thing, sweet cheeks," And slaps her on the butt.
It was a hoot! Good ol' Bev.
Hey.
Hey, how ya doin'? Pretty good.
The greatest thing in the world Happened with mom today.
You won't believe it.
Oh, yeah? What happened? Well, there's this old guy That comes in every day, you know, And he always orders the same thing, And he never, ever leaves a tip.
Oh, man, is he asking for it.
So I wrote him this note today from "mom" That says, "I want your body.
" Ha! I can't wait to hear the end.
Jackie already told you, didn't she? Yeah, but I never really understood-- Jackie! What? You told Dan my day again! One good thing happens, and you have to come home and tell him before I can! It's my day, too, you know! That doesn't matter! He's my husband! I have been married to him for 19 years! It is hard enough to think of something to say to him! Well, what am I supposed to talk to people about? We're together every minute of the day! We have the same damn life! [footsteps pound up stairs, door slams.]
Maybe this is a bad time.
No, it's always like this.
Hey, David.
Why don't you guys sit down.
We'll talk for a couple of minutes.
Okay.
[sighs.]
Well, David, you know Dan and I really like you.
We like you a lot more than we like your brother Mark.
Probably more than we even like Darlene.
But there's just no way we can do this.
This totally sucks.
It's all right.
I mean, you know, we totally feel for your situation, But it's just we don't let anybody grow up here Unless we're forced to by law.
Don't worry about it.
Listen, I have to go.
No, wait a minute.
This isn't over.
Yes, it is, Darlene.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, David.
I'll talk to you later, Darlene.
Thank you for thinking about it, Mrs.
Conner.
Bye-bye.
You have no idea what you've done.
You don't think I know? What are the odds of you bringing home another boy i'm gonna like? Don't you care that i'm never gonna see him again? Oh, it's only a couple of years.
Michigan's not that far away.
He's not going to michigan.
He's running away.
Oh, he's not that stupid.
Yeah, he is.
You have no idea how stupid he is.
Hey, mom.
Hey, D.
J.
How was your day? Not great.
Although this one really cool thing happened with your grandma today.
Oh, you mean the old guy hit her on the butt? Great story.
[door buzzer rings.]
Coming.
Uh, Barbara Healy? Yeah? Yeah, i'm Roseanne Conner.
You know, a couple of our kids are married, A couple of our kids are dating.
Hi.
Hi.
Darlene's not here.
Yeah, I know, but I was at the grocery store around the corner, And I knew where you guys lived, And I thought I should come over 'cause I wanna talk to you.
Sure, what the hell.
Well, maybe we would've met at Becky and Mark's wedding If either one of us had been invited.
Well, maybe we'll both be there for the divorce.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Uh, listen, I wanna talk to you about David, you know.
UmI think he might be getting ready to run away.
What, are you kidding me? No, and I feel really responsible, too, Because I know that you wanted Dan and me to take him in.
Take him in? I wanted you to take him in? What the hell are you talking about? David! David! Oh, man.
You didn't even know anything about this, did you? Mrs.
Conner.
What is all this crap about you running away? And who said it was okay with me for you to move into her house? And don't lie to me! Oh, i'm not running away.
And moving into her house was just an idea.
We didn't think it would hurt to ask.
So you were gonna abandon me Just like your father did.
Mrs.
Conner, could you leave us alone, please? No.
I want her to stay here So you can tell her you're sorry for being such a pathetic little liar.
Well, he doesn't have to do that, Barbara.
Yes, he does.
I want you to see what kind of ungrateful garbage i've raised! Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but, you know, The kids, they just took a shot at staying together.
It's not like it's the worst thing in the world.
Oh, you don't think so? No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today.
Listen to me.
I don't want you butting in, Telling me how to raise my kids.
Take a look at the two little whores you raised.
Oh, i'm in this now.
You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you That people who live in glass whorehouses Shouldn't throw stones.
It's people like you that give white trash a bad name.
Mom, please just stop it.
It's over, okay? I'm not going anywhere.
I promise.
I'd love to see you try and run away.
You think you could live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes Out there in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! You are a worthless little bastard! Okay, i'm changing my mind.
David, you can come live with us if you want to.
Are you trying to steal my kid? This has nothing to do with stealing anything.
Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, He is not gonna stay here with you.
That's not true, is it, honey? I wanna live with them.
Look, you know that I don't mean it when I do this, baby.
I just-- i'm going through a tough time now, okay? I won't talk like that again, i'll never say it again.
Don't you love me? I can't keep doing this.
Okay.
Get out now! Okay.
Now! Come on, David.
We'll get your stuff later.
Let's go home.
Well, it's a boy! You're moving in? How did this happen? Well, Darlene, it's a real long story.
But you both got what you wanted, So welcome to our family, David.
You're both grounded.
Thanks, mom.
So, David, you're moving in.
Welcome to our little home.
Our tiny, little, cramped, little home.
Thank you.
Roseanne, can I talk to you for a second, please? Why, Jackie, i'd love to talk to you.
We don't spend nearly enough time together.
Well, it's been quite a month, But i'm leaving.
Here are my house keys.
Front door, back door, dead bolt.
Jackie, you've had those keys for nine years.
It was symbolic.
You know, it's natural to feel a little jealous When we bring a new person into the house.
But you know Dan and I, we love you just as much as we ever did.
And you know what? You can be my little helper.
I'm gonna start packing.
Until I find an apartment, I will be at mom's, Which should tell you how desperate I am.
Tag, you're it.
Hey.
Where you been? Uh, well, Dan, I wouldn't ordinarily do this without you, ButI went and had another kid.
Is David out there? You mean Dan, junior? Not funny, Roseanne.
Oh, come on, it's a little funny.
No, Roseanne.
No.
We're not doing this.
You told him he could live here, you can go back out there And tell him you made a mistake.
No.
I'm sorry, Dan, but I can't do that.
So now the kids get whatever they want.
Becky gets married, David moves in with Darlene.
Hey, why don't we let D.
J.
Go on that all-sugar diet he's been pushing? Well, I didn't do it for Darlene.
She's the last person I wanna make happy.
I did it for David.
I couldn't leave him there.
That's what you said when we found that lost puppy on the highway.
I don't this to wind up like that.
I don't wanna have to put David to sleep.
Dan, I saw what David lives with, And I just couldn't leave him there.
He deserves to move in with a stable family.
Gee, could I come, too? You just don't understand, Dan.
His mother is really messed up.
That doesn't make the kid our responsibility.
No, I don't mean messed up like we're messed up.
I mean bad.
Really, really, really, incredibly bad.
I grew up in a house like that.
That bad, huh? Yeah.
Aw, man.
Well, you know, Dan, i'll make this up to you.
You're my husband, and I love you, And i'm willing to throw Jackie out for you.
You'd do that for me? Consider it done.
Oh, look, honey.
Our kids are necking.
So, did you guys talk about it? Yeah, it's cool.
Thank you, Mr.
Conner.
All right.
Well, I guess i'll show you your room in the basement.
I don't think so.
First of all, there will be no holding hands.
There will be no looks across the room.
There will be no touchy-feely, There will be no hanky-panky, There will be no smoochie-woochie.
And there will be none of that other stuff You're not supposed to know about.
Can we still date? If you want, but I don't see much point.
And, David, while you live here, You'll be home by curfew, You will keep your room clean, You will be the child we've never had.
Okay, that's fair.
These are just the rules today.
We reserve the right to change the rules at any time.
For your safety, for your education, OrFor our amusement.
That is the price of living in our kingdom.
Welcome to roseannadu.
Mom, is David gonna live here now? Yeah, D.
J.
Looks that way.
Hey, you.
Just because you're older doesn't mean you get to boss me around.
It's not how old you are in this house, It's who's been here longer.
And I put in 12 years.
Don't worry, runt.
David's not gonna boss you around.
If he wants something, he'll tell me, And i'll boss you around.
Okay, then.
Now, what's for dinner? Well, in honor of David's first night here, I'm gonna do something that I don't ordinarily do.
I'm gonna order the pizza myself.
We always get pizza.
I want hamburgers.
I'm with the lad.
Hamburgers it is.
We're getting pizza, Spock.
Well, David, it looks like you're the tie-breaker.
Um, burger's good.
My god, I can feel it.
The hormonal balance in this house has shifted.
And the men are victorious! Come, men! Let us repair to the living room.
We shall watch The Three Stooges And we shall scratch ourselves.
[both chuckling.]
[both.]
pizza.
I had a really great time tonight.
Can we go out again tomorrow? I don't know.
Give me a call.
Okay.
I love you, Darlene.
I love you, too.
Good night.
Good night.
David? Oh, man.
You're not gonna, like, read me a poem or something, are you? Darlene, help me.
What are you doing here? It's, like, 2 in the morning.
I gotta talk to you.
Is that what you sleep in? Well, my pasties and g-string are in the wash.
All right, look.
I have something to say to you, And it's really important that you don't interrupt me.
Wait, let me guess.
"Darlene, you just don't understand.
It's different for boys.
It's gotta be now, I tell you.
Now.
" My parents are getting divorced.
My dad left this morning with Lisa and Nicky.
Mom wants us to move back to Michigan.
I don't wanna leave you.
So I think you and me should go to New York now.
I mean, if this is too much of a rush, I can come back in a couple hours.
Whoa.
David, we can't just leave.
Hey, you're the one who wanted to get out of Lanford.
Well, that was after we got into art school.
What's the difference? You're right.
What was I thinking? We'll just show up to a new york bus station with no money.
The only thing we have left to figure out is who's gonna play me In Darlene, portrait of a teenage runaway.
Darlene, you hate it here.
Give me one good reason not to run away.
Well, it'd make it a lot harder to look down on Becky.
At least she had the guts to go off with my brother.
You obviously don't give a damn about me.
Ooh, I hope you don't double dog dare me.
Then i'll have to go.
Fine, i'll go to New York myself.
I can't live with my mother, not without my father there.
What, so that's it? You're just leaving? What do you care? Hey, I care! No, you don't.
Of course, I do! I love you! Jerk.
Really? Are you sure? Yeah, i'm sure you're a jerk.
No, I mean not-- wow.
Why didn't you ever say it before? Hopin' it'd pass.
So then are we going, or what? Wait a minute, David.
This is, like, a big commitment.
I mean, you're talking about living together.
We haven't even slept together yet.
Well Shut up.
[laughing.]
Hey, can I talk to you? Sure, i'll try anything once.
Hey.
Oh, well.
Never mind.
Whoa whoa.
What am I missing here? Oh, it's no big deal.
We'll talk about it later.
If you can talk about it with your mother, You can talk about it with me.
Okay.
I need more tampons.
What do you think? I don't think that's it.
All right.
Well, if I was gonna ask for something really big, You'd want me to just, like, come out and say it, right? I don't know.
If you're gonna ask for something big, I might wanna see a dance first.
Well, David's parents are getting divorced, And he's supposed to move to michigan with his mom.
And I was wondering, can he move in with us? Darlene, if we were gonna say "no" to something big, You'd want us to come right out and say it, right? Well, why not? I mean, he can sleep on the couch, And he'll get a job and pitch in, And he wasn't raised by you guys, So he's real well-behaved.
I'm sorry, Darlene.
The answer's no.
You don't know how much this means to me.
I mean, david's the reason I came out of my mood last year And stopped being so difficult.
You stopped being difficult? Well, why didn't you tell us? We would've had a party.
All right, but i'm a lot better than I was.
And we're not sleeping together, So you don't have to worry about that.
It's just that I love him.
Stop looking at me.
And the fact that i'm sharing my feelings with you When i'd rather gouge my eyes out Should prove that i'm being sincere.
Well, what does David's mother think of this? Mrs.
Healy's for it.
She's gonna have a hard enough time supporting herself.
She also wants him to finish high school with his friends.
Okay, Darlene, you've made your point.
Now me and your dad will discuss it.
All right.
I just wanna say that I know this is the sort of thing That typical parents would object to.
I've always thought you guys were cooler than typical parents.
No, seriously.
Thank you.
God bless you.
Chair recognizes the cute guy in the overalls.
Yes.
How long should we pretend to discuss this Before we go out and tell her no? You've gotta admire her technique, though.
That stuff with telling us how cool we are and everything.
And that stuff about sharing her feelings, Man, that was reminiscent of the great Becky conner.
This is her first boyfriend, Rosie.
It's gonna be really rough.
I know that, Dan, but, gee, we can't fix everything.
It'd be nice to fix one thing once.
We just can't afford it.
Besides, you never know about kids.
What if he starts demanding things? Like food? I can't believe his mother's okay with this.
I mean, do you think she's cooler than us? Of course she's okay.
She's got the boy.
It's the girl's parents who do all the suffering.
Well, I just cannot stand the idea That in a couple of years, D.
J.
will be out there Making some other parent's life a living hell.
Yeah.
[both laughing.]
Hi.
Hey.
How was work? All right.
We really nailed mom.
Cool.
Did she cry? There's this guy, He comes in every day, he orders the same thing, He never leaves a tip.
So today, Roseanne wrote a note to him from "mom" That says, "I want your body.
" Not my Rosie.
That's crazy talk! So, this time when the guy leaves, He leaves mom this huge tip, And on the way out, she says, "please, come again.
" And he says, "sure thing, sweet cheeks," And slaps her on the butt.
It was a hoot! Good ol' Bev.
Hey.
Hey, how ya doin'? Pretty good.
The greatest thing in the world Happened with mom today.
You won't believe it.
Oh, yeah? What happened? Well, there's this old guy That comes in every day, you know, And he always orders the same thing, And he never, ever leaves a tip.
Oh, man, is he asking for it.
So I wrote him this note today from "mom" That says, "I want your body.
" Ha! I can't wait to hear the end.
Jackie already told you, didn't she? Yeah, but I never really understood-- Jackie! What? You told Dan my day again! One good thing happens, and you have to come home and tell him before I can! It's my day, too, you know! That doesn't matter! He's my husband! I have been married to him for 19 years! It is hard enough to think of something to say to him! Well, what am I supposed to talk to people about? We're together every minute of the day! We have the same damn life! [footsteps pound up stairs, door slams.]
Maybe this is a bad time.
No, it's always like this.
Hey, David.
Why don't you guys sit down.
We'll talk for a couple of minutes.
Okay.
[sighs.]
Well, David, you know Dan and I really like you.
We like you a lot more than we like your brother Mark.
Probably more than we even like Darlene.
But there's just no way we can do this.
This totally sucks.
It's all right.
I mean, you know, we totally feel for your situation, But it's just we don't let anybody grow up here Unless we're forced to by law.
Don't worry about it.
Listen, I have to go.
No, wait a minute.
This isn't over.
Yes, it is, Darlene.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, David.
I'll talk to you later, Darlene.
Thank you for thinking about it, Mrs.
Conner.
Bye-bye.
You have no idea what you've done.
You don't think I know? What are the odds of you bringing home another boy i'm gonna like? Don't you care that i'm never gonna see him again? Oh, it's only a couple of years.
Michigan's not that far away.
He's not going to michigan.
He's running away.
Oh, he's not that stupid.
Yeah, he is.
You have no idea how stupid he is.
Hey, mom.
Hey, D.
J.
How was your day? Not great.
Although this one really cool thing happened with your grandma today.
Oh, you mean the old guy hit her on the butt? Great story.
[door buzzer rings.]
Coming.
Uh, Barbara Healy? Yeah? Yeah, i'm Roseanne Conner.
You know, a couple of our kids are married, A couple of our kids are dating.
Hi.
Hi.
Darlene's not here.
Yeah, I know, but I was at the grocery store around the corner, And I knew where you guys lived, And I thought I should come over 'cause I wanna talk to you.
Sure, what the hell.
Well, maybe we would've met at Becky and Mark's wedding If either one of us had been invited.
Well, maybe we'll both be there for the divorce.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Uh, listen, I wanna talk to you about David, you know.
UmI think he might be getting ready to run away.
What, are you kidding me? No, and I feel really responsible, too, Because I know that you wanted Dan and me to take him in.
Take him in? I wanted you to take him in? What the hell are you talking about? David! David! Oh, man.
You didn't even know anything about this, did you? Mrs.
Conner.
What is all this crap about you running away? And who said it was okay with me for you to move into her house? And don't lie to me! Oh, i'm not running away.
And moving into her house was just an idea.
We didn't think it would hurt to ask.
So you were gonna abandon me Just like your father did.
Mrs.
Conner, could you leave us alone, please? No.
I want her to stay here So you can tell her you're sorry for being such a pathetic little liar.
Well, he doesn't have to do that, Barbara.
Yes, he does.
I want you to see what kind of ungrateful garbage i've raised! Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but, you know, The kids, they just took a shot at staying together.
It's not like it's the worst thing in the world.
Oh, you don't think so? No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today.
Listen to me.
I don't want you butting in, Telling me how to raise my kids.
Take a look at the two little whores you raised.
Oh, i'm in this now.
You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you That people who live in glass whorehouses Shouldn't throw stones.
It's people like you that give white trash a bad name.
Mom, please just stop it.
It's over, okay? I'm not going anywhere.
I promise.
I'd love to see you try and run away.
You think you could live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes Out there in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! You are a worthless little bastard! Okay, i'm changing my mind.
David, you can come live with us if you want to.
Are you trying to steal my kid? This has nothing to do with stealing anything.
Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, He is not gonna stay here with you.
That's not true, is it, honey? I wanna live with them.
Look, you know that I don't mean it when I do this, baby.
I just-- i'm going through a tough time now, okay? I won't talk like that again, i'll never say it again.
Don't you love me? I can't keep doing this.
Okay.
Get out now! Okay.
Now! Come on, David.
We'll get your stuff later.
Let's go home.
Well, it's a boy! You're moving in? How did this happen? Well, Darlene, it's a real long story.
But you both got what you wanted, So welcome to our family, David.
You're both grounded.
Thanks, mom.
So, David, you're moving in.
Welcome to our little home.
Our tiny, little, cramped, little home.
Thank you.
Roseanne, can I talk to you for a second, please? Why, Jackie, i'd love to talk to you.
We don't spend nearly enough time together.
Well, it's been quite a month, But i'm leaving.
Here are my house keys.
Front door, back door, dead bolt.
Jackie, you've had those keys for nine years.
It was symbolic.
You know, it's natural to feel a little jealous When we bring a new person into the house.
But you know Dan and I, we love you just as much as we ever did.
And you know what? You can be my little helper.
I'm gonna start packing.
Until I find an apartment, I will be at mom's, Which should tell you how desperate I am.
Tag, you're it.
Hey.
Where you been? Uh, well, Dan, I wouldn't ordinarily do this without you, ButI went and had another kid.
Is David out there? You mean Dan, junior? Not funny, Roseanne.
Oh, come on, it's a little funny.
No, Roseanne.
No.
We're not doing this.
You told him he could live here, you can go back out there And tell him you made a mistake.
No.
I'm sorry, Dan, but I can't do that.
So now the kids get whatever they want.
Becky gets married, David moves in with Darlene.
Hey, why don't we let D.
J.
Go on that all-sugar diet he's been pushing? Well, I didn't do it for Darlene.
She's the last person I wanna make happy.
I did it for David.
I couldn't leave him there.
That's what you said when we found that lost puppy on the highway.
I don't this to wind up like that.
I don't wanna have to put David to sleep.
Dan, I saw what David lives with, And I just couldn't leave him there.
He deserves to move in with a stable family.
Gee, could I come, too? You just don't understand, Dan.
His mother is really messed up.
That doesn't make the kid our responsibility.
No, I don't mean messed up like we're messed up.
I mean bad.
Really, really, really, incredibly bad.
I grew up in a house like that.
That bad, huh? Yeah.
Aw, man.
Well, you know, Dan, i'll make this up to you.
You're my husband, and I love you, And i'm willing to throw Jackie out for you.
You'd do that for me? Consider it done.
Oh, look, honey.
Our kids are necking.
So, did you guys talk about it? Yeah, it's cool.
Thank you, Mr.
Conner.
All right.
Well, I guess i'll show you your room in the basement.
I don't think so.
First of all, there will be no holding hands.
There will be no looks across the room.
There will be no touchy-feely, There will be no hanky-panky, There will be no smoochie-woochie.
And there will be none of that other stuff You're not supposed to know about.
Can we still date? If you want, but I don't see much point.
And, David, while you live here, You'll be home by curfew, You will keep your room clean, You will be the child we've never had.
Okay, that's fair.
These are just the rules today.
We reserve the right to change the rules at any time.
For your safety, for your education, OrFor our amusement.
That is the price of living in our kingdom.
Welcome to roseannadu.
Mom, is David gonna live here now? Yeah, D.
J.
Looks that way.
Hey, you.
Just because you're older doesn't mean you get to boss me around.
It's not how old you are in this house, It's who's been here longer.
And I put in 12 years.
Don't worry, runt.
David's not gonna boss you around.
If he wants something, he'll tell me, And i'll boss you around.
Okay, then.
Now, what's for dinner? Well, in honor of David's first night here, I'm gonna do something that I don't ordinarily do.
I'm gonna order the pizza myself.
We always get pizza.
I want hamburgers.
I'm with the lad.
Hamburgers it is.
We're getting pizza, Spock.
Well, David, it looks like you're the tie-breaker.
Um, burger's good.
My god, I can feel it.
The hormonal balance in this house has shifted.
And the men are victorious! Come, men! Let us repair to the living room.
We shall watch The Three Stooges And we shall scratch ourselves.
[both chuckling.]
[both.]
pizza.
I had a really great time tonight.
Can we go out again tomorrow? I don't know.
Give me a call.
Okay.
I love you, Darlene.
I love you, too.
Good night.
Good night.