Home Improvement s05e20 Episode Script

That finishes up the installation of the sliding glass door.
And you want to be sure that the door stile is parallel to the joint.
This door is perfect.
- Good job.
- Thank you.
We added a feature I think you'll enjoy.
At home your door always stays open, allowing pesky insects or that annoying insurance salesman in.
That's why we've installed the Binford 6100 Slide Master.
It automatically closes the door once you've walked through it.
Good.
As nice as that feature is, there's always that energetic mosquito that slides in.
Or a claims adjuster.
Boom! They're in and you don't even know.
So I modified this bad boy to close ten times faster than a normal one.
- You did? - Yes! I used a small magnetic diffuser from Binford, right? You just turn it up to the speed you want.
Ahh! All right.
Try it.
Show them.
- Heidi, please demonstrate the door.
- Yeah, right.
All right.
I'll do it.
Presto.
You walk through and the door shuts.
When you install these at home, you might want to use shatterproof glass.
And a small part of your brain.
That's it.
Join us tomorrow for our segment, "The Resourceful Tool Man.
" And our discussion panel, "Sump Pumps: How They Work " And are they the right thing to wear with an evening gown? Hey! Hey! - Great show, Tim.
- Thank you, boss.
Tell that to the guy you just sent to the emergency room.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Dave! Use my name down there - you'll get the Tim Taylor suite.
- Put some pressure on that.
- Use some salve and ointments on that.
You know, Tim, it occurred to me that you and I have never gone out socially.
If you're asking me out on a date, I'll need more time.
I gotta get my hair done or something.
Would you and Jill like to go bowling and have dinner with me and my wife tonight? - It sounds like it's right up my alley.
- Yeah, all right.
OK.
Good deal.
You know, llene and I love to bowl.
And, you know, we're free tonight.
You're still free tonight.
Hey, Randy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You don't have a date tonight, right? Why do you always assume I have no life? - Well, do you have plans? - Totally free.
What's up? Angela wants you to go out with her younger sister.
You'd really like Jessica.
She thinks you're cute, and she's cute.
She takes after my dad's side of the family, which is a drag because they're all alcoholics and drink themselves into an early grave.
- Is she anything like you? - Yeah.
People say we're really alike.
Randy, it's your lucky day.
She'll be so disappointed if you don't go out with her, so just think about it 'cause - OK, OK! I'll, like, totally think about it.
- Great.
Don't worry.
He'll come around.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What was all that about? Nothing.
Brad and Angela are trying to get me to go out with her little sister.
I'm kind of worried she's gonna be as annoying as Angela.
- Now, Randy, don't be so judgmental.
- Hey! I am not the one who said Angela's a giant fingernail and the world is her blackboard.
That was a private conversation I was having with your father.
- Hey.
- Oh! - Hi.
- Hi.
Put away the fish.
We're bowling and dinner with Bud and his wife tonight.
Tonight? I can't go tonight.
I have that lecture for my Abnormal Psych class.
You don't have to go to that.
You know what they'll say.
"There's a lot of crazy people out there and there's nothing we can do about it.
" - You're living proof of that.
- This means an awful lot to me.
No, honey.
I can't just drop everything because Bud wants to go bowling.
This is not about bowling.
This is about my future with Binford.
I got plans.
This could be the start of the Tim Taylor empire.
The Tim Taylor empire? Come on.
Why does it just have to be Tool Time? How about Car Time? And we could add the spin-off, Tool Time The Next Generation And how about an interactive Tim? I've been looking for one of those for years.
Come on.
When an important guy like Bud asks you to socialize, you do it because it's good for your career.
- Well, what about my lecture? - Can't you find somebody to videotape it? I mean, how many times have I asked you to do something like this? If I do this for you, what do I get out of it? Knowing you're on the ground floor of the beginning of the Tim Taylor empire.
How about a watch? All right! Do you ever wonder how many feet have been in a pair of rented bowling shoes? No.
But my guess would be an even number.
Tonight, if you don't mind, let's not talk about your psychology class.
I want to make sure Bud's having a good time.
You're gonna tell me what I can and cannot say to the man? Just a suggestion, you know? I want to make sure that he's in a good mood to listen to my ideas.
I don't know.
If you're gonna treat me this way, maybe I shouldn't have come.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I'm just nervous.
I want everything to go well.
I want you here.
I mean, the empire wouldn't be an empire without an empress.
- With you by my side - Hey, Tim! Hey, you know the rest.
- Hey, Bud.
- Hey.
Tim, Tim, how are you doing? - Tim, Jill, this is my wife Jean.
- Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
- You too.
- Finally, Jean.
I feel like I know you from watching Tool Time Jean's a big fan of the show.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I just love the clever way you pretend to be so inept.
It's a gift.
So, how are the psychology classes going, Jill? Well, I'd tell you, but I don't want to ruin your evening.
I understand.
School is tough.
When I went back to get my degree, I had to go at night because I worked full-time.
- Really? - I never thought I'd make it, but here I am.
Yeah.
Bowling with the Tool Man.
That's the dream that kept me going.
Yes! Yes! Three strikes in a row! I can't believe it! - How far are we ahead now? - You're up by ten.
Do you have to ask after every frame? Yes, I do.
- Bud, will you relax? - I am relaxed.
- I'm hungry.
Can we order some food? - Yeah.
Oh, no, no.
I don't allow food on the lanes.
Somebody always spills something.
You don't allow it? Of course we understand.
You're watching your weight anyway, honey.
Excuse me? Did you say something about my weight? I said, "Let's wait.
And we'll eat later.
" I'm gonna go get myself a big old tub of popcorn with lots of extra butter.
Since we're taking a break, I'm getting myself a new rosin bag.
And when I come back, you're not gonna know what hit you.
What's the matter with him? You'll have to excuse Bud.
He's He's very competitive.
Well, that's how guys like us are.
- But when Bud loses, he holds a grudge.
- What do you mean? Well, last year the vice president of his textile company out-bowled him.
Bud transferred him to the manufacturing division.
- So? - In Pakistan.
Huh? Excuse me.
I'm gonna go bowl real quick before Bud gets back.
That way I can avoid the "Honey, let me show you what you did wrong" speech.
Can I talk to you about your bowling? I am bowling the best game of my life.
Isn't it great? - It is.
Can you stop? - What? Well, apparently, Bud is a bad loser.
He holds a grudge.
So, you want me to throw the best game of my life because Bud is a sore loser? - You did it with the boys with go fish.
- When they were five! Go, honey.
Hey, look at that! Yeah! All right! Strike! Wait a minute.
Aren't you rooting for the wrong team? You're not Jill.
That's Jill.
Must be the lighting.
Remember that tip I gave you about bowling correctly? I'm not interested in your tips.
Ripped your pants.
Oh! So, Jessica, did you like the pizza? - Well, I - She totally loves pizza.
Remember that time we were in that Chinese restaurant? - Oh, yeah - She asked, "Do you have pizza?" It was so embarrassing.
She should have just had a hamburger like I did.
Wait.
You got a hamburger at a Chinese restaurant? I've never heard of that.
I always get the burrito.
Oh, that must be Mom.
I hope you had a nice time, Jessica.
- Thanks, Randy.
I - Jessica, stop yakking.
Mom's waiting.
Bye.
- See you, guys.
Hope you had fun.
- Bye.
Well, what did you think of Jessica? Well, I'll let you know when Angela actually lets her talk.
Yeah, but you gotta admit she's pretty fine.
You know, when I go out with a girl, I like to know she can actually finish a sentence.
Like my woman.
Yeah, just like that.
Would you let it go already? Nobody is gonna ship you off to Pakistan! Except maybe me.
All I know is every pin you knocked down killed another one of my dreams.
You are being ridiculous.
Bud is not gonna hold this against you.
Didn't you notice after the fifth frame, the man hardly said a word? - So he was a little quiet.
- Well, a quiet Bud is a mad Bud.
And a mad Bud is a bad Bud.
The mood he was in, it was impossible for me to talk about my plans for Binford.
You think I jeopardized your entire future by bowling well? - If the rented shoe fits - Ahh! If I'd known, I wouldn't have let you come.
- Let me come? You begged me to come! - Because I thought you'd be helpful.
You are absolutely unbelievable.
First you make me miss my lecture.
Then you tell me what I can or can't say to Bud.
I'm not allowed to eat.
And then I have to throw the best game of my life.
- I just wanted you to be more flexible.
- Flexible? Whatever direction you pointed me in, I was expected to perform.
I was like your little Binford windup wife.
Binford doesn't make a windup wife! I've been your windup husband.
Went to the professor's house for dinner.
- You complained the whole night.
- I did whatever you wanted! - I only asked you to pass the onion dip! - Well, you got it, didn't you? You say that you need me by your side.
And then you don't even treat me like a person.
You acted like I was just one of your appendages.
Well, forgive me for thinking my career's important.
- That's all you think is important.
- Oh, that's not true.
Where you hit me with the bowling ball I find quite important too.
Well, that's OK.
Because I think it's gonna have plenty of time to heal! Hey, Wilson.
Am I losing my mind? Or do I hear crickets in the middle of winter? Well, you certainly do, neighbor.
I brought my pet crickets out to serenade me.
Wilson, have you ever had a normal pet? Well, I had a marmoset once.
But my ocelot ate it.
You're one odd duck, Wilson.
I had one of those.
Ocelot got it, too.
- I'm kind of sorry I brought it up.
- Oh, Tim.
Jill told me about bowling with Bud.
- What did she say? - Well, she said it was quite a brouhaha.
Well, there were no brews and very few ha-ha's, I'll tell you that.
Did she also mention that she thought I was treating her like my appendix? Well, yes, she did.
I believe the word she used was "appendage.
" When she's in a bad mood, it's no time to correct her English, I'll tell you that.
And what's wrong with me caring about my career? Tim, maybe Jill just feels that you put your ambition ahead of her feelings.
I'm reminded of the critic John Ruskin, who said: "When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a very small package.
" Yeah, but my grandma always told me good things come in small packages.
How true, how true.
Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
Of course, you're the one whose wife isn't talking to him.
Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
And a little bit of toothpaste will take that rust right off your counter top.
And don't forget to floss.
Now, let's say you got paint all over your hands and you're out of solvent.
- What does a resourceful tool man do? - Get some French fries.
Which is usually Al's answer for just about everything.
But, in this case, my bloated buddy is correct.
The grease in the fries acts as a solvent - takes paint off your hands.
That's right.
And since your fingers are already in the fries, you can snack on the ones that aren't covered in semi-gloss.
Al, what's the next tip from the resourceful Tool Man? All right.
Well, say you want to polish up some brass and you're out of cleaner.
The resourceful Tool Man will use Ketchup.
In the tomatoes is vitamin C.
It'll take tarnish off brass.
Actually, it's the vinegar.
- I believe it's the vitamin C.
- I believe it's the vinegar.
I believe it's my show.
Could be the vitamin C.
Thank you.
We'll have more tips right after these few messages from Binford Tools.
- I told you it was vitamin C! - Tim.
Would you stop for a minute Bud, what's the matter? Tim, there's something I want to talk to you about.
- Oh.
I knew this was coming.
- I want a chance to beat you and Jill.
I want a rematch.
- A rematch? I don't think that will happen.
- Why not? Jill didn't have fun, and I won't ask her to do it again.
Even if it means me going to Pakistan and doing Turban Time - Pakistan? - Yeah.
Jean told me all about that last vice president.
Beat you in bowling, you shipped him off to Pakistan.
Ah.
Oh.
Did she also tell you it was her idiot brother who embezzled money from the company? I think she might have left out that little detail.
I built that plant in Pakistan so we'd have a place to send him.
You wouldn't hold a grudge against someone who beat you.
Of course not.
I'm a better businessman than that.
In that case, I got some ideas I want to run by you about Binford and my future.
Well, I want to hear them.
Call my secretary and make an appointment, OK? Oh, oh, wait a minute.
I sent her to Pakistan, too.
No.
- Don't you wanna hear what I have to say? - No.
- The only reason I came - No.
I'll take that as a "no.
" Hey, Mark.
Just 'cause I love you.
No.
I'm sorry about what happened in the bowling alley.
I acted like an idiot.
Tim, it's not just about last night.
This kind of stuff has been happening ever since you went to work for Bud.
- It has? - Yeah.
Remember the weekend that we were gonna have together, just the two of us? - It ended up being the three of us.
- Exactly.
I'm afraid that whenever Bud says, "Jump," you'll say, "How high?" And I'm gonna be the one you land on.
I'll try not to land on you.
Tim, I don't want you to forget about your ambition.
I really don't.
- I just don't want you to forget about me.
- I don't want to do that.
Well, if my ambition gets in the way, just, um like, make sure that I know about it.
OK.
- I'm ready for those flowers now.
- No.
Hey, tell you what.
Let's do something fun tonight.
Um You pick.
Anything you want to do.
Well, we could go upstairs, get the lights down low Oh, yeah.
- Get in bed.
- Oh, yeah.
- And spend the next three hours - Eh! Considering where I got hit with that bowling ball, that's optimistic.
Actually, I was thinking about listening to the tape of that lecture I missed.
That might hurt more than that bowling ball.
Oh, look at this.
We got our nachos, pizza and chili fries.
Yeah! Let's put on some weight.
This is the way bowling should be - a nice, relaxed game, no husbands, lots of food.
Oh, boy! This is what bowling's all about.
No food, no wives and no going home until I beat you.
Did my wife tell you what happened to the vice president who threw the game? Wearing a turban? Fez.
I'm reminded of the critic John Ruskin, who said: "When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a very small package.
" Hm.
My Uncle Bobo once told me Did my wife tell you what happened to the vice president who threw the game? Wearing a turban? Fez.
Morocco.