Married with Children s05e20 Episode Script

Ah.
Ooh.
Ah, it-- It hurts me to see you in pain.
See? All better.
What are you doing? Checking for my nipple.
Where's Mr.
Fluffy? Your cat? He was hungry, so I threw him out the window.
Pop! Mr.
Fluffy.
Pop, don't kid me like that.
But I know you love Mr.
Fluffy.
Now, go on, kiss him.
I'll do better than that.
I'll give him grow wings.
Sit down.
I'm makin' breakfast this morning.
W- w-wait a minute.
Use a napkin.
You wouldn't perchance be miffed at me because I lost the fight, would ya? "Lost" is such a harsh word.
Let's just say ya came in second.
Here.
I got a special treat for ya.
Hey, don't worry.
There are plenty of other opportunities out there for a smart guy like me.
Uh, definitely, definitely.
Name any one of the Great Lakes.
Lake Folbert.
Remember? Where you taught me how to swim? What a great lake.
Hey, I'm still gonna make ya proud of me.
I used a couple of your connections in the business world, and I got myself a job as a busboy.
A busboy? Hey, that's great.
Say, bring me home a half-eaten roll, will ya? We need a new plan for you.
I want more for you than Than just being me.
As wonderful as I am.
You know, Pop, you and Mom were a lot alike.
One of the last things she said to me was, "Whatever you be, be more than your father.
" Hi, Vinnie.
Hi, Mona.
Vinnie, why don't you tell your father that my mom needs everything in her apartment fixed now.
Everything in her apartment? Why? Because then we can spend the next two weeks alone.
Hey.
Mona, Mona, Mona.
Hoy! Hey-y.
Why don't you come back a little later? Really? When? When you're no longer a felony.
Where is he? Charlie! Hey, Al.
Vinnie! Heh-heh-heh! So, Al, did you happen to watch the kid's fight? Naw, naw, I listened to it on the radio.
Naw, I was gonna watch it on TV, but, uh, heh, I don't have one anymore.
I bet it on your kid.
Easy, Al.
Listen, Al.
I know that feels good, but, uh, it's not gonna bring your TV back.
No, that TV was my baby.
Got me through a lot of rough times.
I watched it when we conceived our two kids.
I still remember putting my forearm in Peg's mouth to shut her up, so I could hear Get Smart.
Yeah, for Bud For Bud I wised up.
Put her head by the foot of the bed, so I could watch too.
Now it doesn't matter which way I turn her, the magic is gone.
Mr.
Bundy, I'll buy you a TV.
I got a new job.
Yeah.
Share my pride.
He's a busboy.
Al, you're not much more than a busboy.
My kid's at a difficult age, where he just might turn into a you.
Help him out.
Give him some advice.
Don't marry.
Don't marry! It's only good for the woman.
Yeah, see, women got it made.
They find some guy to marry, then they steal his youth, his paycheck and his dreams.
Oh, yeah, then their butt gets big.
Then you die, their butt gets smaller till the next guy comes along.
Oh, no, next to being a dog, a beautiful woman is the thing to be.
I'm sorry, Al, but you don't have the butt to be a beautiful woman.
Ehh, I let myself go.
Hey, don't run yourself down.
Ya still got a beautiful smile.
Uh Uh Do you two wanna be alone or anything? Do you mind? He was just gonna say something nice to me.
Ah, the moment's past.
You know what we shoulda done when we were young studs? What? Married us a couple of rich babes.
See, that way all we'd have to do is get up late Yeah.
pump a little iron to stay in shape Yeah.
let the robe pop open a little to show the maid what she could have if she saved her pennies and settle back on the couch, get stinking drunk and pick your feet till the cows come home.
I can't think of a fuller, more satisfying life.
Ah, but time has passed us by.
Young women today don't understand it.
We don't wanna go right to sleep after sex.
We have to.
Ah, I guess it's a young man's world.
I think I am getting a new Verducci master plan.
No.
Please, no.
Yes.
Ooh, I love this plan.
For it to work, you are gonna have to meet a rich woman.
No, no, no, I know what you're gonna say.
There's a shortage of rich women in our tenement.
H- hey, Charlie.
I was thinking about what you were saying, but I don't have to go to sleep after sex.
Iwanna go to sleep after sex.
I-- I welcome the darkness.
Anyhow, there'll be plenty of rich women at that fundraiser you were busboy'ing tonight.
Here's my plan.
We go, we have a bite to eat, and you marry a millionaire.
You with me? No.
He's so cute.
He thinks he has a vote.
See? What's so difficult? Stand on a couple of garbage cans, you break a window and you're in high society.
Let's go charm the crap out of these people.
Look you don't have to worry.
To prepare us, I have read Trump, The Wall Street Journal, and a magazine called Rich Babes in Chains.
Now, I have distilled their wisdom into three key phrases.
So if you get confused, simply say either, "How about that market?" "Damn Democrats," or, "Punish me.
I've been very, very bad.
" As for myself, I'm not worried.
'Cause, hey, I fit in anywhere.
You, over here.
You call this a meatball? Bet a couple of days ago, it had a saddle on it.
Be gone.
We're gonna get thrown out of here.
We don't belong.
See, Pop, it's like I learned in high school.
This famous philosopher-- I can't remember his name.
-- said, "The poor" Jeez, I don't remember what he said either.
What'd he say? I don't know.
The point is, we're poor, they're rich.
That's the way it should be.
They're just better than us, that's all.
Hey, I know who it was.
It was the Greek guy there, Pluto.
Nelson! You were away all summer.
Well, it gets insufferably warm in August, so we took the yacht to the Greek islands.
Ah.
And then my Puffy just had to go to Madrid to pick some tapestries for the new villa.
Yes, I know how that is.
Ha-ha! Oh, look, uh The meatballs.
Huh.
That's better than us? Hey, they couldn't live for one minute in our neighborhood, but I could live a lifetime in theirs.
And I intend to.
Pop.
No, Pop.
Don't.
Nelson! Charles.
Verducci.
Greece, at the yacht club.
Say, did Puffy get those tapestries she was talking about? You know that Puffster.
She always gets what she's after, and as I recall, she was always after this guy.
Same old Charles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Same old Charles.
Well, you boys seem to be having fun.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Well, allow me.
Uh, Kathleen Morgan, meet my very dear friend, uh-- Uh-- Charles Verducci, what do you say? Well, I see by your shirt that you've been sampling our meatballs.
And I see by your shirt you got mighty powerful buttons.
Okay, if he can do it, I can do it.
I'm a rich guy.
I fit in.
How 'bout that market? What about it? Damn Democrats.
What about them? Uh, punish me.
I've been very, very bad.
United Chemical, that's where I'm putting my money.
Well, I think it's overpriced.
Stick with the blue chip IBM.
What do you like, Charles? Long hair, short dresses and big hooters.
Hey, sweetheart.
How you doin'? You-- You've been to a lot of these things.
Let me ask you something: Do I look like I belong here? You look like you belong anywhere you wanna be.
Well, where I wanna be is in a cold place holding a warm you.
What do you say after this fiasco, you and I go-- Ah! What the hell are you doing? We're not here to bag a waitress.
I like waitresses.
I like waitresses too.
But tonight, we're after bigger game.
Now, go mingle with the rich.
Pop, why is it always me in the Verducci master plan, huh? I'm tired of being the pawn in your cosmic game of checkers.
Why don't you marry a millionaire? Me? Yeah.
You got a real cute one over there giving you the buffalo eye.
Oh, yeah? Who? Over there.
Oh, would that it could be.
But that one, see, she's married.
In fact, to two guys.
So, hey, if one of 'em drops dead, I'm still out of luck.
Huh? You get it? I got it.
Huh? You okay? Yeah.
Good.
Now, so get back to work, okay? And just think millionaire, millionaire, millionaire.
Millionaire.
Millionaire.
Millionaire.
Millionaire.
Did you know I was a millionaire? Miss, excuse me.
I think you dropped your purse.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thankyou.
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho! You just wanted to see me bend over, didn't you? What were you thinking? Well, let's just say I retasted that meatball I ate awhile ago.
Oh, your son seems to be quite popular with our young ladies.
Kid's got the Verducci charm.
No, I've got the Verducci charm.
You're not allowed in the men's room, are ya? Of course not.
Well, that's where I'll be.
It's an interesting point, Nelson.
Very well put.
I don't want to give my son a job in any of my many companies.
That's no way to learn responsibility.
So I'm wondering maybe, you know, you can give him some kind of an executive position.
But, hey, don't spoil the boy.
Start him off at, what, three, four hundred thousand.
Dollars? Go back to nodding.
So, what do you say? Where did the boy go to school? Uh, P.
S.
124.
Yale.
Oh, my son went to Yale.
Uh, let me call him over.
Did I say Yale? Silly me.
I meant to say Harvard.
Now, my son went to Harvard.
Um, let me call him over-- I didn't mean Harvard.
Where did I go? Go over there.
Over there? Yeah, over there.
Okay, I'll be over here.
Okay, here's the truth.
Once, he was a very promising scholar, but then he had this tricycle accident.
Okay, here's the truth.
Look, we know each other for so long, we're such good friends, I feel I can be honest with you.
Now, I should have mentioned it in Greece, but, you know, yacht, tapestries, Zorba So here it is.
The kid's a genius, but he's lazy.
So I'm thinking, I'll cut him off, you give him a job, but he's gotta make due on the lousy 400 grand a year you pay him.
Let him suffer a little.
It works.
That's what my dad had to do to me.
Now, I learned my lesson.
Yeah.
Well, then we're in agreement.
Hm.
Oh, Charles.
Oh, I'm sorry to drag him away, but this is very important.
Charles.
I was hoping to see you at the Littlefield party next week, but I checked and your name is not on the guest list.
Oh, it's a horrible oversight.
By the way, are, uh, my dear friends Roger and Nelson gonna be there? Why, yes.
Well, then I must be there too.
Oh, I'm afraid it's just impossible.
Ah, what the hell.
I was a Marine.
The party's at 8:30.
How you doing, Pop? Great.
I'm even starting to get some feeling back in my tongue.
You know, it's amazing.
I was just musing about our evening.
You know, the difference, yet the sameness, between the rich and poor.
And as the philosopher-- I can't remember his name.
-- said, "The rich" No, no.
"The poor" No, wait.
Jeez, I don't remember what the guy said.
But I remember, it shaped my young life.
What the hell was it? Doesn't matter.
You got the gist of it.
The important thing is that through my God-given charm and Verducciness, my master plan is working.
And I got phone numbers shoved in my pocket by every pretty girl in that room.
So I guess what I'm saying is, I won't be home nights for about a year.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna sleep with any of them till we got a commitment.
We gotta start thinking like women.
No band on the hand, no nookie for cookie.
Not even the one who dots the I in her name with her mouth? No.
You're just gonna have to follow the Verducci master plan, or bad things will happen to Mr.
Fluffy.
You wouldn't.
Hey, as much as I love him, if you say no, he's on a plate of noodles in a Thai restaurant.
Shh.
Pop, come on.
You know he understands everything.
I hope so.
'Cause nothing is gonna stand in the way of my dream.
You are gonna find yourself a rich woman to marry.
And even if you don't, only good things happen when you're around money.
Money gives money good jobs.
Money gives money stock tips.
And let's face it, what the hell's the worst thing that could happen? Money could run over us with its car.
Then we sue money's ass.
Oh! So are you with me? I'm with you, Pop.
That's my boy.