Mike & Molly s05e20 Episode Script

Boy, you're up early.
Oh, yeah, the ribs have been acting fussy all night, so I got up at 4:00 and I swaddled them in foil, and I've been checking their temperature every couple hours, make sure they're not running hot.
Oh, you're such a good daddy, taking care of your little meat babies.
You nurture them the best you can, and if they fall, you hope it's off the bone.
I'm jealous that I'm not gonna be able to join you and the guys for your little brunch.
- Brunch? Men don't brunch.
- Oh.
We watch sports, and then eat ourselves into a beef coma.
Oh.
You want to hear about my exciting day? I'm gonna lock myself in a room with your mother until we finish that book, or until one of us ends up dead.
I'd like to say my money's on you, but I know my mom.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I still have ten minutes before I have to leave.
I guess we can do it, but I'd have to pee first.
I know.
I'm talking about just sitting and talking.
For the whole ten minutes? Let's sit.
Your mother is dragging out this writing process.
It's starting to feel like it's never gonna end.
- She's just so incred - Difficult? - Yeah, that, but - Crotchety? - Yes, but more than - Awful? Mike, can I finish my own sentence? Your mother's being incredibly obstinate.
Does "obstinate" mean difficult, crotchety and awful? Yes, actually, it does.
I don't think you get what it's like working with your mother.
You know, the first half hour, it's just a gripe session about the neighbors.
And then I got to sit there while she checks the dog for tumors.
Then she checks herself.
And then she asks me to check her.
Welcome to the first 18 years of my life.
It's just so frustrating.
Oh, I mean, you signed on for this.
But you're almost done, so just suck it up.
"Suck it up"? Well, you wanted my advice.
No, I didn't.
I'm just talking to you.
Okay, but we talked.
I gave a solution.
How much longer do we need to sit here? Wow.
I didn't realize talking to your wife is such a chore.
No, it it's just, you don't need the whole ten minutes to tell me what kind of hell you're in.
You had me at "working with my mother.
" Okay, you know what? Don't worry about me.
Just go back to your little ribs.
Oh, come on, what are you getting so mad about? I listened to you whine about my mom, and I'm the bad guy? Oh, I'm whining? Is that what I'm doing? I was gonna say something else, but you hate that "B" word.
You know what? Some days, you really suck at being a husband.
This is on you! I told you we should have just had sex! Boy, you better put "cooking ribs" on a list of things you have mastered.
Along with the seven-minute nap and opening a beer bottle with your eye socket.
Only twist tops, but thank you.
Doesn't get any better than this.
Eating pork and watching the play-offs with three of my favorite people.
Plus the guy who made the Costco run.
That membership has got me invites to many a shindig.
A gym membership might help, too.
I'm sorry.
Does the gym have one-dollar hot dogs? What, you're not eating? Ah, I kind of got a lot on my mind.
- Molly and I got in a fight.
- Mmm.
You know what's not a fight? Getting the meat off this bone.
Tender as hell.
I still don't know what I did wrong.
She had a ten-minute problem that I solved in three, and now I'm a horrible husband.
Well, see, the key is not to get trapped in that conversation in the first place.
Yeah, you gotta always give yourself an escape route.
You know, pretend to fall asleep, hmm? Take a phantom phone call.
My go-to grab my stomach, say "Uh-oh," and high-tail it out of the room.
That works with mothers, too, except mine will follow you into the bathroom, so you better have something to back up that "Uh-oh.
" I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I mean, she she won't pick up the phone, she won't answer my texts.
I don't know how to fix this.
You know what you might want to try? Keeping it to yourself till the end of the game.
Yeah, I'm sorry, are we here to talk about each other's problems, or watch hockey? Seriously, Mike, are you going to watch this period, or have one? All right Okay, so, right now, we see a young Peggy breathing in the town of Mudlick for the last time.
- She thinks she's free.
- Uh-huh.
Then I thought Troy could lean over and roll up her window.
You know, to show he's controlling, like her father.
- Cycle goes unbroken.
- Uh-huh.
Then a horde of zombies emerges from the cornfields and does the "Thriller" dance.
What do you think that is? Mole or tumor? We're supposed to be writing.
How can I write when my dog's dying in my arms? Just give him to me! He It's a piece of caramel corn.
No wonder you were licking at it.
You're my little Cracker Jack, aren't you? Can we please just focus? We are so close to finishing.
I'm here.
I'm working.
So, what do you think? The cycle continues? I think I need to change my sweater.
Why? Is that one losing its mothball smell? It's too flashy.
I feel like a whore.
Do you like the rolling-up- the-window idea or not? No, but I like that thing about the zombies.
Okay Don't worry.
If we can't think of anything better, we'll figure it out as soon as I give Jim a bath.
Come on, Jim.
Take a tub with Mommy.
Fine, but we have to finish this! If you're not down here in ten minutes, I am climbing in with you! I don't know what it is, but there's something sexy - about a room full of guys watching sports.
- Mm-hmm.
Makes sense.
Ever since they started sitting down to pee, it's really the only manly thing they do.
Unbelievable! What's wrong? I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, all right, we'll leave you alone.
I spent all night sweating over a hot stove for those guys, and they can't take five minutes to listen to what's going on in my life? Men.
They can hear a pair of high heels from two blocks away, but tell 'em about Suzanne at work who stole your haircut, it's like they're deaf.
I think she was just insecure 'cause you slept with her boyfriend.
Okay, that was three years ago.
I also slept with Leanna's, but she was mature enough to just slash my tires, so Okay.
So, what is it? What makes Mongo mad? Well, this morning, Molly said I suck at being a husband.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
You know how many times - she's told me I suck at being a mother? - A lot.
Molly was going on and on about my mom, like like she always does, right? So, I thought I'd save us both some time by offering a solution that she was not ready to hear.
Mike, nobody wants to be told what to do.
As a strong woman, I want to be heard.
Even if you've told me the same thing over and over again? Especially if I've told you over and over again.
When we talk to you, we don't want to know what you think.
Uh-uh.
You're just a sounding board so that we can look at our problem from every different angle.
So, it's the journey to get to the solution.
- Mm - Oh, who cares about the solution? - See, you're doing it right now.
- Yeah.
- You're trying to figure things out.
- Mm-hmm.
Just listen.
That's the smartest thing you didn't say all day.
Peggy? God! Peggy! Oh! What are you doing? You scared the hell out of me! What are you doing? I've been sitting downstairs for an hour and a half.
How am I supposed to write with a wet head? You wouldn't have a wet head if you took a bath before I got over here.
I woke up late.
I haven't been sleeping well.
You know why? Because you're always taking a nap while we're supposed to be writing.
'Cause I haven't been sleeping well at night.
How many times you want to circle this drain? I just want to finish this book and be done with it.
That reminds me, I need to take another look at that barn fire in chapter five.
It seems a little obvious.
Maybe we should get that out of there.
What are you talking about? I mean, that scene affects everyone's lives.
We'd have to rewrite half the book.
Well, look who's afraid of doing a little work.
All I do is work while you balance your checkbook, or change your sweater, or have an anxiety attack because you found some old key and you don't know what lock it goes to.
A key without a lock opens the devil's door.
Everyone knows that.
Nobody knows that.
'Cause you're a crazy old woman, and you're turning me into one, too.
I see.
I didn't realize working with me was such a hardship for you.
Well, it is.
You know, I'm losing my hair, and my gums are bleeding.
Working with you is literally killing me.
Fine.
It'll be done by the end of the day.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get changed.
If you feel like you need to humiliate me more, you're welcome to watch.
You see that? Huh? That's blood, and that's on you.
Mmm.
I guess I should've just sat there, let her talk and not said a word.
You'd think that.
But you'd be wrong.
We want you engaged.
Like like a back-and-forth? - Oh, no.
No, no, no.
- Mm-mm.
Nodding is good.
Maybe an arm squeeze.
You'd be amazed at all the things you'd get squeezed with an "aw, sweetie.
" What the hell are you doing in here? You're missing a great game.
Plus, the Zamboni ran over the mascot.
There were feathers all over the ice.
I'm just having a nice chat with the girls.
On purpose? Yes, on purpose.
Knock yourself out.
Did you see that? Not even a hello.
It's like we're invisible.
- One little pat on the shoulder, - Mm-hmm.
he would have gotten some tonight.
Now if he wants to have sex, he's gonna have to listen to a 15-minute story about me returning some boots.
- Poor, ignorant bastard.
- Mm-hmm.
You Would you like some tea? No.
Boy, you've been typing for two hours nonstop.
You probably want to take a break and I'm fine.
Uh Oh! How about that fire in the barn in chapter five? You wanted to take a look at that.
Let it burn.
All right, listen, I am not proud how I acted upstairs.
I got into a fight with Mike this morning, and I brought it here.
And it had nothing to do with you.
I mean, tech technically it was about you, but really about Mike trying to solve my problems.
I mean, not that you're my problem.
Wow, you really type fast.
The end.
Finished.
Seriously? I put in that rolling-up-the-window thing.
Oh, great.
Yeah, I think I'm tired.
I'm going upstairs.
Why? We just finished a book! I mean, we should celebrate.
I know we don't have champagne, but we should, you know, do shots of cough syrup or something.
I bought us a bottle of champagne.
It's in the crisper.
Go ahead and take it with you.
No.
Peggy You can see yourself out! Oh, come on.
Don't do th There go the gums.
- What'd I miss? - Two periods, three fights and a beer commercial that made Harry cry.
Those horses just love that puppy.
Where were you? I was just having a nice talk with the ladies.
On purpose? Yes, on purpose.
But they had an appointment they had to get to.
- So the ladies left? - Yeah.
Seriously? Is it open season? Because I have a rebuttal.
No! No.
No more.
I want to enjoy my ribs.
I'm sorry.
What? - Oh! Oh! - You know what? You guys disgust me.
Where's my jacket? I think I'm sitting on it.
Keep it! Talk about hypocrisy.
I've seen that man make a coroner gag.
Th Wait a second.
That's my jacket! Oh, my God! Oh, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Wait till you get to the paraffin wax.
I have no idea what the hell that is, but I want it.
Oh, I hope you don't mind me crashing your party, but I just had to get out of there.
We get it.
Yeah, men can be such pigs.
Right? You think I'll go back to being like those animals? There's a good chance you won't even remember this.
Just enjoy the time we have left.
I got to say it was fun hanging out with you girls today.
Anything else you can tell me before I return to the Planet of the Apes? Well, there's the classics: uh, dirty socks in the hamper, flowers for no reason And take it easy down there.
You're not a bear trying to get honey from a tree stump.
I don't know what that means.
- Poor Molly.
- Mmm.
What are you still doing here? Well I was gonna split this bottle of champagne with you, but then I started reading what you wrote, and I got so into it, I ended up splitting that bottle of champagne with me.
You're soused.
Oh! "Soused.
" That is such a good word.
You know so many good words.
You can't spell 'em for crap, but you know them.
I didn't come down to be insulted.
I came down for my foot cream.
I hate your feet.
Excuse me? They scare me.
I think, if witches had feet, that they would look like your feet.
Witches have feet.
See? That's why that's why we're such a good team.
'Cause I write stuff down and you tell me who has feet.
We're not a team anymore.
Book's done, and so are we.
You're gonna miss me.
What? I meant I'm gonna miss the work.
That's not what you said.
What do you want me to say, that I'm proud of what we've done? That you made me realize a dream I never knew I had? That I wish this wasn't gonna end? You put your witch hoof away, 'cause I'm gonna hug you.
Thank you.
No.
Thank you.
You made me a better writer.
Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna go get us that cough syrup.
Shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
What are you doing? I don't want to wake you up.
Well, I I couldn't sleep because I I feel really bad about this morning.
What? What happened this morning? - Hmm? - Our fight.
Oh, I had a lot of fights today.
You're gonna have to be more specific.
Well, the fight where I stupidly tried to give you advice instead of listening.
But I promise you, it's the last time it's gonna happen.
Oh, my God.
Your nails look gorgeous.
Mol Molly.
I'm trying to apologize here.
- For what? - For being a sucky husband.
Who called you that? You did.
You know, you should really not listen to me so much.
That's the point.
I'm gonna start listening to you more.
Yeah.
Today I was with your mother and sister, and they they really gave me some insight on what it's like to try to express your feelings and your partner's not there for you.
Molly? Oh, this is not over.
We're gonna talk about this in the morning.