Rules of Engagement s05e20 Episode Script

Previously on Rules of Engagement what are you saying? I I'm saying that I'll be your surrogate.
Yeah, if you want.
Are you serious? Put your baby in me.
Excuse me.
I'm who they're putting it in, so.
You, saddle up, and get this right the first time.
Mm, I just know you're pregnant.
I really think we nailed it this time.
Could be, I'm already feeling a little nauseous.
Yeah, well, listening to Jeff peeing is making me nauseous too.
Hey, come on.
Brenda's gotta take the test.
Hurry up, seabiscuit.
Finally.
I saved time by not washing my hands.
Ugh.
Oh.
Wow, you didn't save any time by aiming.
All right, let me see, let me see.
Gross.
Oh, something's happening.
What What's a red line? A red line Is a baby.
Agh! It's a baby, Jeff! We made a baby! Oh, my God! Feel free to keep that going.
Really? Now? Is there a bad time for girl on girl? Can we please not have your creepy perversion be part of this? Fine.
Okay, now I know we're all excited, but we don't actually know for sure.
So let's just keep this between ourselves until we see the doctor.
Agreed.
Cheers! Way to go, aud, you made it a whole 28 minutes.
Jen said "what's up, aud?" What was I gonna do, lie to her face? Congratulations, you're gonna be a dad.
No sleep, no peace, no sex, no money Your life's officially over.
Well, that might be true, but I'm having a kid.
And you're gonna die alone.
All right, fun's over.
Hey, Jeff.
You wanna know what you should order? - No.
- Why not? 'Cause it'll be stupid.
No, check it out.
Okay, it's a breakfast sandwich, right? But with waffles instead of bread.
It's for better gripping.
See? Speaking of stupid, how's the pregnancy going? - So far, so good.
- Oh yeah? You're lucky, that stuff can get rough.
What do you know about it? 'Cause a girl I was seeing once thought she was pregnant.
Ugh, the sleepless nights, the crying, the throwing up.
She was pretty upset about it too.
In my case, Audrey's not the one who's pregnant.
Brenda is.
So my wife can still drink.
Which helps her make the bad decision to sleep with me.
That's all a benefit of using a surrogate.
That's why I'm doing it.
No, I thought it was because you had, like, super-slow sperm.
Yeah, and I thought it was so Audrey wouldn't get all messed up down South.
Looks like once again, I beat the system.
When did you beat it before? I had a rental car for a week and they only charged me five days.
Disney world really is the happiest place on earth.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
There she is.
I was thinking maybe later we go over to mcsweeney's, catch the mets game.
Yeah, right.
Like I'm gonna sit next to you sober, in a bar that smells like armpit.
Only to then find out it isn't the bar that smells like armpit.
Well, uh Well, Jeff, I've been barfing all morning.
And then because I wasn't already miserable enough My idiot neighbor set off a bug bomb in their apartment.
Are you crying? Are you a moron? Thanks a lot, Jeff.
You've turned me into a freaking girl.
All right.
I know what can help.
How about I buy you some breakfast? Oh, yeah, that's just what I need, jackass, more of your eggs in me.
Oh, God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Looks like the system's still got some fight in it.
And why, you ask? Because the waffles provide a superior grip.
What, have you been dropping a lot of sandwiches? Well, I mean, enough to wanna do something about it.
Ah, Jennifer.
So nice to see you here.
Oh, I just had to get out of the apartment.
I've been knee-deep in planning the wedding.
There is so much to do.
Yeah, and Jen doesn't like any of my suggestions.
His last one was a petting zoo.
To celebrate our love.
Yes, because nothing says "I love you" like walking around in goat pooh.
Mm.
You know, Jennifer, in a former life, I was an assistant to an event planner.
Oh, you remember your past life? That's amazing.
Was I there? No, no, I was referring to my life before I met Mr.
dunbar and began my career as Satan's wet nurse.
You know, there's wedding planning software that can be very helpful.
I could help you set it up, if you'd like.
Oh, that would be great.
What about tonight after work? Oh, I can do it right now.
It's the middle of the day, won't Russell know you're gone? No, not if I bring in my replacement.
You can't tell me that actually works.
Ah, it began as an act of rebellion.
I wanted to show Mr.
dunbar what it would be like without me.
Apparently, it would be largely the same.
Oh, well, let's go.
Yeah, let's.
He keeps looking at me.
Hey, Timmy, I'm gonna take a little nappy-nap.
No calls.
N-n-nNone.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just got off the phone with Brenda.
Oh, the pregnant lunatic go off on you too? What? I've never seen her so unreasonable and cranky.
She was being pretty wifey.
Wifey? You know what I mean.
Yes, I know what you mean.
And you're being pretty selfish and insensitive.
Or should I say "husbandy?" Ooh.
That was a little uncalled for.
Hey, why are we arguing here? Because you walked into the apartment and spoke.
Look, we're on the same team here.
All right, we get to be on the sidelines having fun while our baby caddy does all the heavy lifting.
What is your problem? I don't wanna be on the sidelines, I want to be involved.
And you should too.
For once in your life, don't be so selfish.
Or You be selfish with me.
How about I take you out for a big night on the town? Huh.
Let's crack open that coupon book that we bought from that cub scout.
No, I am going over to help Brenda.
You wanna go out, go by yourself.
Ah, I'm not going without you.
Most of these are two for one.
Audrey's almost as bad as Brenda now.
Oh, really? So now you got nowhere to turn.
It's like I'm going up against tag team wrestlers.
You try to pin one, the other sneaks up behind you and brains you with a folding chair.
Well, I'd tell you how I'd handle your problem, but I'm sure you don't wanna hear what I have to say.
Thanks, buddy.
I appreciate that.
Oh, no, my sandwich slipped out of my hands! - Really? - No.
I feel for you buddy, but Just tap out? No, I got this.
I know exactly what to do when Audrey gets like this.
I'm sorry, aud, I'm gonna be home a little bit later than usual tonight.
I got a lot of paperwork I gotta get through.
Bingham for the win! Let's focus on the ones I did make.
Now the wedding software does a lot of the work.
For instance, if you input your zip code, it brings up links to local florists.
What sort of flowers were you thinking about? Oh, well, I've always liked white roses.
White roses, hmm.
Is something wrong? No, no, no, it's a classic and elegant choice.
What, you can tell me.
Be honest.
Okay.
Are we planning a wedding here, or some sort of backwards junior prom? Wow.
Okay, what would you suggest? Here's a thought.
What if you went with seasonal wildflowers? Which you could easily integrate into both your bridal bouquets and your centerpieces? - Oh, I love that! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And after the ceremony, we can feed them to the animals There's no petting zoo.
You put a bulls-eye on this from the moment I mentioned it.
Just remember, this is my big day too.
Ah.
You're home.
Had to happen.
What exactly were you working on so late? Oh, damned Anderson account.
I thought you said it was the Jenkins file.
The Jenkins-Anderson merger, keep up.
How are things going? Brenda's feeling worse and worse, and I'm freaking out trying to make her comfortable.
- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, well, forget about it.
I've given up on you being helpful.
I appreciate that, hon.
Just this pregnancy is hitting us pretty fast.
And you know me, I'm kind of a creature of habit, and I Hey, thanks for letting me stay here for a while.
I don't like change.
So this is a thing? Brenda's staying here now? No, Jeff, I just stopped by to model my robe.
Can I go stay at her place, or? No, Jeff.
You stay here.
She had to get away from the bug bomb fumes in her building.
Plus this way, we can help take care of her.
Okay.
On a completely unrelated note, I need all of our beer.
Oh, my God.
Jeff, your feet! Oh, I'm totally gonna be sick again.
Oh, great! Look what you did! All I did was walk into my home.
You know what your feet are like at the end of the day.
Seriously, I think that's why we don't have any cockroaches.
On second thought, I need all of our scotch.
No.
Not now.
I need you to go to the store and pick up some ginger ale.
Nah, I'll just drink it straight.
For Brenda.
And saltines too.
It's the end of the day and my shoes are off, and my pants are on the on-deck circle.
Come on, Jeff.
Can you at least do one helpful thing? All right.
Just one.
Thank you.
God, my head is killing me.
Can you get me something for a headache? - Okay.
- Ugh.
But not aspirin.
Ibuprofen.
And not the P.
M.
kind, just the regular kind.
Oh, and don't get the caplets, get the tablets with the special coating.
Agh.
Touche, system.
No, you're not listening to me.
I just think that people would prefer a buffet.
People lining up with plates? - What is wrong with that? - Oh, nothing at all.
Perhaps after chow time, we can give the guests ten minutes to lift weights in the yard.
Jeez, I should've hired cardboard Timmy.
Oh! And now I've got an oompa-loompa.
You mean a hard worker with a solid base tan and a talent for improvisational song? Guilty! Ah, there you are.
I knew that wasn't you at your desk.
But you weren't completely certain until you saw me sitting here.
Savvy detective work, sir.
What are you doing here anyway? Helping Jennifer plan her wedding.
That's why you left in the middle of the day for? Unprofessional.
All right, let's go.
You gotta come to the club with me and be my weiner blocker blocker.
As soul-enriching as that sounds, I'll meet you there once I'm done here.
I'll just wait.
All right why don't you guys just go ahead? I got it from here, Timmy.
All due respect, I don't think that you do "got it.
" Just moments ago, you suggested we hire a dj who calls himself "vinyl Richie.
" Dj p.
U.
And what exactly would you know about putting on a wedding? Both of my parents have been married numerous times, often I was invited.
What this wedding needs is a photo booth.
Might that not be a bit cheesy? Not cheesy, Tim.
Whimsical.
People like a nice memento.
Does anyone care what I think? Maybe you're right about that photo booth.
It could go right next to the bar.
Right, then the girls can get all liquored up, then increasing our chances of nip slips.
Now let's talk centerpieces.
- Good, I'm thinking - Origami! Forget it.
Jen, wait.
I heard you when you asked if we cared what you thought.
- You did? - Yeah, and we don't.
Hey, Jeff.
I thought that was you.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, man.
Um I don't think you're allowed to drink in here.
I know, I'm hoping to get arrested so I don't have to go home.
But I'll tell you, having your wife bring home a lesbian does not play out the way cinemax would have you believe.
I don't really wanna go home either.
I mean, Timmy and Jen are planning our wedding and ignoring me.
No petting zoo? It's not looking good.
Anyways, Audrey wants ibuprofen with the special coating.
God forbid her majesty, the queen, has to choke down a chalky tablet.
But why don't you buy her the wrong thing? That's what I do.
Why? Well When Jen's in a bad mood and I bring home the wrong thing, she sends me back out to get her the right thing.
Which means I get twice as much time away from home.
Your brain came up with that? Yes, I know.
That could work.
All right.
Adios, fancy coating.
We shall meet again.
That's a good idea, pal.
Smart.
Thank you.
You know, I did it accidentally a few times before I realized that I could do it on purpose.
It started when Jen Listen, I said that it was a good idea.
I don't need all the DVD extras.
For napkin colors, we had a tough time choosing between fuchsia kiss Or foxy pink.
- But - Timmy pointed out that foxy pink will really make the flowers in the table lamps pop.
To which, Mr.
dunbar agreed After first pantomiming me in a spirited sexual act with a man.
Right.
And for dessert, we went a little bit outside the box with a cupcake tower.
Mm.
Just the right level of playful festivity, we think.
And in that same spirit, we revisited your '80s dj idea.
Yes, the '80s being the decade just after the decade in which Mr.
dunbar's haircut was last considered stylish.
Mm, it's not current, but I do get tons.
And that's our presentation.
Wow.
Uh, it's not really what I imagined.
But I love it! I wouldn't change a thing.
Well, we aim to please.
How much is it gonna cost? Ah.
Here's where the software can be so helpful.
And the grand total comes to $360,000.
We'll see ourselves out.
got your stuff.
What took you so long? What, are you waiting for it to go on sale? Or did the manager think you were trying to smuggle out a ham in your giant head? There's my girls.
Can I have the ibuprofen? Something wrong? These are gel caps.
I specifically asked for tablets.
What? I'm such an idiot! Come on, Jeff, be better.
See, this is why I like girls, they actually listen.
God, your head is upsetting.
You okay? I will be Once I have some nachos.
Another batch? Okay.
I can grate some more cheese.
Ooh, and this time, can you just make sure all Yes, I will make sure every chip has full coverage.
- Here.
Okay.
- Where are? I'd love to stay and help, but I gotta make this right.
No, no, no.
That's fine.
I'll just take those, it doesn't No, no.
No you will not.
I don't care how many times I have to go back to the store.
No wife of mine gets caplets when she wanted tablets.
Oh, well Hello, miss-Adam- doesn't-have-any-good-ideas.
Soon to be Mrs.
Adam-doesn't- have-any-good-ideas.
Oh, yeah? Well, for your information, my ideas are pretty good.
Jeff finally listened to one and he loved it.
Ah, what was it? Well, I told him how when you're driving me crazy and I don't wanna go home, I purposely buy you the wrong thing so I have to go back and get you the right thing.
Oh, wait.
- I knew it.
- Listen, Jenkins, you gotta work this out with Anderson.
I gotta get home to my wife.
This may be a while.
Put the phone down, Jeff.
How did you find me? Well, it was either here or the diner.
You're not the man of mystery you seem to think you are.
Why are you being such a jackass? The usual reasons.
I got you your ibuprofen.
Gel caps? I asked for gel tabs.
So stupid! I'll be right back.
You know, you can't avoid going home for nine months.
What is your problem? I thought having a surrogate was gonna make everything easier.
But Brenda turned into the creature from alien, and you turned into the baby alien that came out of the big alien's mouth and hissed at sigourney Weaver.
I know, it's harder than I expected too.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
But we just have to remember that at the end of all this, we get a baby.
And then it gets easy, right? Yeah, of course.
Okay, let's go home.
And I'll help you take care of Brenda.
Um, yeah, actually, we don't have to go home right away.
- No? - No.
Yeah, part of the reason I came here is I needed a break from Brenda.
Becoming a bit much.
Oh, which reminds me We have to stop by the store and pick-up some more tortilla chips and cheese.
What kind of cheese does she want? - Cheddar.
- We're getting jarlsberg.
- Why? - You'll see.
Hey, Tim Wanna go grab some lunch? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you were on the phone.
I'll go ask Russell.
Hey, Russell, you wanna Oh.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were napping.