Married with Children s05e21 Episode Script
You Better Shop Around (1)
Hot enough for you, folks? It must be 1000 degrees out there.
Yep, it's summertime, and the winos are sizzling.
Fish are popping, and the DJ is high.
I hope you're all as cool as I am.
I wonder what the poor people are doing today.
Dad, why don't you just buy us an air conditioner? Ah, you don't want to be stuck inside on a day like today.
Come on, dive in.
Be careful.
It hasn't been an hour since you've eaten.
Hey, don't worry, Dad.
Sometimes you just gotta say what the hey and go for it.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Daddy, I am sweating cats and dogs.
This pool sucks.
If you two are bored, let's have a little Jacuzzi action.
Hey, Peg a little Tang margarita, s'il vous plaît.
Coming right up.
You forgot the Tang.
Look, Al.
As much as I applaud you exposing yourself to water, don't you think it's time we marched bravely into the '50s and bought an air conditioner? Peg, can't a hundred-degree day go by without you bringing up air conditioning? Besides, as soon as we get one, they're just gonna invent something new.
I'll be damned if I'll have one in my house.
That's the same thing you said about the toothbrush.
Look, Dad, I know I'm no Psychology major, but, uh, could the underlying reason for your reluctance to buy us an air conditioner be that, uh, you're the cheapest man on the planet? Bud, if I was cheap, would we have all this? Now, I'll hear no more about this.
Kellylet's play Sea Monster.
Aah! A sea monster! Aah! Daddy.
Mom, Dad scared me.
He scares us all, honey.
Al.
* Oh, the shark bites * * With his teeth big * * And he keeps them Pearly white * Look, Al, I am gonna ask you one more time, rationally.
Can we have an air conditioner? Peg as long as I have my pool to frolic in, we don't need an air conditioner.
As I was saying * Oh, this shark, unh * * With his teeth bites, unh * All right, kids.
It's time.
* Oh, invite All the sharks, unh * * To a party * * Then they'll know * * That Bundy's Back in town, no * Hey! Oh! My pool.
My pool, Peg! Nice shooting, Mom.
Not really.
I was aiming at Daddy.
Mom, can we throw a couple more on? Well, this is the last of them.
Hey, wait a second.
There were four cubes in the tray the last time that we checked.
No, there were three.
She's cube hogging.
I'll hold her, you get the tongs of life.
Your daddy.
It's our air conditioner.
Oh, God.
At long last, we're all gonna be cool.
Even you, Bud, for the very first time.
Yeah, well, it's a long time since you had a first time for anything.
But don't get too cocky, Kel.
Remember, Dad went himself.
Oh, it's just an air conditioner.
A moron could get an air conditioner.
I could get an air conditioner.
Ugh.
Kids.
Come and help me here.
I-- I can't see.
I can't see.
Have you got it? Yeah, Dad.
All right.
Good.
All right, easy here.
It's heavy.
Easy.
Here we go.
Oh.
Oh! Oh.
Kids.
you okay? Fine.
Yes, family.
Look at it.
It's a Kaiser.
The pride of World War II Germany.
Look at it, kids.
Doesn't it just say cool? Actually, it says, "Property of Erwin Rommel.
" You know, Al, I thought you were going to a discount store to get one of those Korean ones.
You know, with names almost like real products.
Like our "Frigidoor" refrigerator "RC-hey" TV.
Or my "beauti-fool" wife.
Kids what you're looking at is the world-famous Kaiser air-cooling blatz.
The Jerries swore by these.
But, more importantly, they were at the forefront of 1942 technology.
And now this baby's ours, Peg.
This is the best damn God, I must have loved you once.
You don't know what love is till you've been kissed by the cool lips of a Kaiser.
Bud, help me out in the car.
I wanna bring in the main part.
Ugh.
And then we'll be as cool as I remember myself in high school.
Gee, Mom.
Thanks for the precious gift of life.
Bud! You got it all spliced in?! Yeah, Dad.
Right into the city's transformer.
Dadis this legal? No! So don't use any names.
Bud, come down now.
Kelly, keep the flashlight on till he gets all the way-- Dad.
I got it.
He's down, Daddy.
No names.
Peg you wanna go upstairs and get some blankets and sweater? Oh, turn it on, mongo.
Nice fall, Bud.
Now we are ready.
Peg would you do the honors, please? Easy, Peg.
You're not having sex with it.
Wellwe'll know for sure if it quits after 10 seconds and asks what's on TV.
Ah.
You know, this could be you.
I don't feel a thing.
Just keep cranking.
There.
Listen to that.
The satisfying hum of fine German engineering.
Brrr.
Is it just me, or is it getting warmer in here? I guess that's because I've got it on uh, "der low.
" Let's turn this up.
I'll turn this up to "blitzkrieg.
" There.
What do you feel now? Anger.
Disgust.
Loathing.
Disappointment.
All right.
All right.
All right.
I'll just ease this baby up to "der freezing my heinie off.
" Ugh.
There, that ought to shut you up.
It's gonna blow.
Whoa, run! Brrr.
Good news, Dad.
It's not just our house.
Oh.
The whole neighborhood's gone dark.
Well, at least they don't know it's our fault.
Bundy did this! Bundy.
Bundy.
Bundy.
God, where'd they get the torches and the pitchforks so fast? Shut up! Put your weight against the door.
They're coming in.
Well, Desert Fox Well, Desert Fox, where will you lead us now? Ha-ha.
You fools.
Do you think I only had one plan to get us air conditioning and keep us cool? Ha.
No.
Trust me.
Air conditioning ye want, air conditioning ye shall have.
Ah.
I wonder what the poor people are doing.
Did I promise you the good life? Honey, if only everyone could be as happy as we are.
Everybody doesn't have me, babe.
Oh, that poor woman.
You know, it just shows that there can be unhappiness in even a grand place like What'd you call this place again? Supermarket, babe.
Supermarket.
Wow.
A big building with food.
Mm.
What'll they think of next? Free sample? Uh, thank you, cheese lady.
Listen, i-if you see the lady with the little tray of weenies, tell her we've been waiting.
Oh, my hands are all greasy from eating.
Wh-where's Kelly with my damn towel? Here I am, Daddy.
Daddy what's this? Looks like some kind of vegetable, honey.
Ew.
Uh, Bud.
Go deep.
Ha-ha! Ha! Ha-ha! Excuse me here, family, but, uh, as the only one among us who hasn't yet been fingerprinted, do you actually think no one's gonna notice we're living in aisle four of a supermarket? Bud, we're your parents.
You let us worry about what's right or wrong.
Now, you go on over to aisle 12 and get Daddy some slippers.
Oh, and while you're at it, get Mom some perfume, too, huh? Oh, Al.
You remembered my birthday.
Ahem.
Folks, excuse me.
What are you doing here? What does it look like we're doing here? We're shopping.
You've been here for four hours.
Well, we're conscientious shoppers.
Peg, you wanna read me the ingredients in those chips? "Potatoes.
" Nah.
It's not quite what I'm looking for.
I may be just a stock boy, but I know the look of a family without an air conditioner.
I'm gonna have to call the manager.
Ah, now.
W-wait a second.
Wait a second there.
Uh, all right.
You-- You look like a smart young guy.
I, uh, think maybe I can trust you.
Name's Bundy, Al Bundy.
I'm with the National Supermarket Security Agency.
There has been a rash of food-related food thefts in the area, and that's what-- That's what I'm here for.
Bundy.
I carry a whistle.
Whoa.
Really? Now, act natural.
See that, uh, woman over there? Don't look.
That's Velveeta Annie.
The notorious blue-haired cheese bandit.
I've been on her trail since the Dakotas.
Mrs.
Gillis? She's been shopping here for years.
Kid, don't you know that Gillis is the underworld name for "cheese booster?" Are you sure about this, Special Agent Bundy-- ? Don't-- Don't look at her now.
I-- I think she's making her move.
Uh Let's see what Yeah, I think we got her now.
Yeah, I think the eagle has landed.
Uh, listenI don't want to make this bust and blow my cover, so you take it, kid.
Thank you, Special Agent Bundy.
Sohow do you like our cheese, Gillis? Hopefully as much as you like our jails.
Come along, baby.
Bobby, what's come over you? But-- But I was your kindergarten teacher.
Ohh! Gee, Al, you think we did the right thing? Ah.
So an old lady goes to jail.
So who gets hurt? This is living, isn't it, babe? Yeah.
Oh, look.
Isn't that the family of poor people everyone says is living here? Isn't it pathetic? Get a job, buddy.
Why, you little-- You know, I have half a mind to move us to aisle six and not tell him.
Well, I'm bored.
I'm gonna go boost us a radio.
Does anyone want anything? Well, how about some plants? You know, for ambience? How about you, Daddy? Uh, miss? Uh, excuse me.
I-I think you dropped something.
Thank you, market dweller.
Daddy.
What?! Do you want anything? Mm.
Yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons.
And a plucked chicken.
Uh, I thought I smelled shoes.
Well, if it isn't the "Vanderbundys" in their summer home.
Hi, Marcie.
Are you having a party? Uh, no.
Thanks to Al, I and the rest of the block are sweltering to death in our own homes.
A- are they still mad at me? For blacking out the entire neighborhood on the hottest day of the year? Heck, no.
In fact, it's brought us all closer together.
Why, when we were burning you in effigy, I ran into people I hadn't seen in years.
We sat around, we sang our favorite folk songs, like, "If I Had a Hammer, I'd Drive It Through Al Bundy's Skull.
" You know, Marcie, we just feel terrible about this whole mess.
Don't we, Al? Oh, miss, I think you dropped your corn.
Oops.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, miss.
Uh, you dropped your flea fogger.
Oops.
Thank you.
No, thankyou.
Uh, miss.
Ooh-- You dropped your broccoli spears.
Oh.
Thanks again.
No, thankyou.
Bud.
Here's something men do.
Quick.
Get me something.
Excuse me, miss.
Uh, you dropped your, uh eggs.
Weren't you the same guy that was rubbing up against me at the bus? No.
I meant him.
You little He-he-he.
Cheese security? I saw his credentials.
They say he's the best.
I don't know.
I got my doubts about this guy.
I know I know that face from somewhere.
What'd you say his name was? Bundy.
Al Bundy.
I'm gonna check him out.
Yellow alert.
Yellow alert.
So you're the dairy spy.
Why don't you just announce it to the whole store.
You're on report, buddy.
Kelly give me a pen.
Blue or red? Uh Uh, blue.
Fine point or husky? Uh Never mind, pumpkin.
Wait a minute.
Al Bundy.
Of course.
You've been dribbling checks all over town.
Listen.
Buy something or get out.
Alrighty.
Peg checkbook.
No.
Cash only, Bundy.
And I still want two forms of ID.
You just lost yourself some business, buster.
Kids, let's go.
We're moving down to the drugstore down the street.
Buy something, or you'll be moving into the county jail.
Alrighty.
Family meeting.
Kids, you got any money for old Dad? Eighteen cents.
When I said I needed a battery for the Kaiser, you said you didn't have a dime.
No, we said we "didn't give a damn.
" Boy, how soon they forget the good times.
All right, come on.
Let's see what we can buy.
Peg, bring the cart.
How do I work this thing? The same thing you do with me.
You just get behind it, and you shove.
Uh, Marce, listen.
Uh, I've only got a pack of gum.
Uh, could I get in front of you? Eat hot death.
Oh, The National Enquire.
"Steve Rhoades Marries Cher.
" Where? Where? Congratulations, sir.
You're our one millionthcustomer.
Well, w-what does that mean? You've won a free $1000 supermarket shopping spree.
Hey.
I was the next in line.
Well, what are you complaining about? You still are.
We won.
We won.
We won.
We won.
We won.
We won.
We won.
Oh, we won.
Oh, we won!
Yep, it's summertime, and the winos are sizzling.
Fish are popping, and the DJ is high.
I hope you're all as cool as I am.
I wonder what the poor people are doing today.
Dad, why don't you just buy us an air conditioner? Ah, you don't want to be stuck inside on a day like today.
Come on, dive in.
Be careful.
It hasn't been an hour since you've eaten.
Hey, don't worry, Dad.
Sometimes you just gotta say what the hey and go for it.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Daddy, I am sweating cats and dogs.
This pool sucks.
If you two are bored, let's have a little Jacuzzi action.
Hey, Peg a little Tang margarita, s'il vous plaît.
Coming right up.
You forgot the Tang.
Look, Al.
As much as I applaud you exposing yourself to water, don't you think it's time we marched bravely into the '50s and bought an air conditioner? Peg, can't a hundred-degree day go by without you bringing up air conditioning? Besides, as soon as we get one, they're just gonna invent something new.
I'll be damned if I'll have one in my house.
That's the same thing you said about the toothbrush.
Look, Dad, I know I'm no Psychology major, but, uh, could the underlying reason for your reluctance to buy us an air conditioner be that, uh, you're the cheapest man on the planet? Bud, if I was cheap, would we have all this? Now, I'll hear no more about this.
Kellylet's play Sea Monster.
Aah! A sea monster! Aah! Daddy.
Mom, Dad scared me.
He scares us all, honey.
Al.
* Oh, the shark bites * * With his teeth big * * And he keeps them Pearly white * Look, Al, I am gonna ask you one more time, rationally.
Can we have an air conditioner? Peg as long as I have my pool to frolic in, we don't need an air conditioner.
As I was saying * Oh, this shark, unh * * With his teeth bites, unh * All right, kids.
It's time.
* Oh, invite All the sharks, unh * * To a party * * Then they'll know * * That Bundy's Back in town, no * Hey! Oh! My pool.
My pool, Peg! Nice shooting, Mom.
Not really.
I was aiming at Daddy.
Mom, can we throw a couple more on? Well, this is the last of them.
Hey, wait a second.
There were four cubes in the tray the last time that we checked.
No, there were three.
She's cube hogging.
I'll hold her, you get the tongs of life.
Your daddy.
It's our air conditioner.
Oh, God.
At long last, we're all gonna be cool.
Even you, Bud, for the very first time.
Yeah, well, it's a long time since you had a first time for anything.
But don't get too cocky, Kel.
Remember, Dad went himself.
Oh, it's just an air conditioner.
A moron could get an air conditioner.
I could get an air conditioner.
Ugh.
Kids.
Come and help me here.
I-- I can't see.
I can't see.
Have you got it? Yeah, Dad.
All right.
Good.
All right, easy here.
It's heavy.
Easy.
Here we go.
Oh.
Oh! Oh.
Kids.
you okay? Fine.
Yes, family.
Look at it.
It's a Kaiser.
The pride of World War II Germany.
Look at it, kids.
Doesn't it just say cool? Actually, it says, "Property of Erwin Rommel.
" You know, Al, I thought you were going to a discount store to get one of those Korean ones.
You know, with names almost like real products.
Like our "Frigidoor" refrigerator "RC-hey" TV.
Or my "beauti-fool" wife.
Kids what you're looking at is the world-famous Kaiser air-cooling blatz.
The Jerries swore by these.
But, more importantly, they were at the forefront of 1942 technology.
And now this baby's ours, Peg.
This is the best damn God, I must have loved you once.
You don't know what love is till you've been kissed by the cool lips of a Kaiser.
Bud, help me out in the car.
I wanna bring in the main part.
Ugh.
And then we'll be as cool as I remember myself in high school.
Gee, Mom.
Thanks for the precious gift of life.
Bud! You got it all spliced in?! Yeah, Dad.
Right into the city's transformer.
Dadis this legal? No! So don't use any names.
Bud, come down now.
Kelly, keep the flashlight on till he gets all the way-- Dad.
I got it.
He's down, Daddy.
No names.
Peg you wanna go upstairs and get some blankets and sweater? Oh, turn it on, mongo.
Nice fall, Bud.
Now we are ready.
Peg would you do the honors, please? Easy, Peg.
You're not having sex with it.
Wellwe'll know for sure if it quits after 10 seconds and asks what's on TV.
Ah.
You know, this could be you.
I don't feel a thing.
Just keep cranking.
There.
Listen to that.
The satisfying hum of fine German engineering.
Brrr.
Is it just me, or is it getting warmer in here? I guess that's because I've got it on uh, "der low.
" Let's turn this up.
I'll turn this up to "blitzkrieg.
" There.
What do you feel now? Anger.
Disgust.
Loathing.
Disappointment.
All right.
All right.
All right.
I'll just ease this baby up to "der freezing my heinie off.
" Ugh.
There, that ought to shut you up.
It's gonna blow.
Whoa, run! Brrr.
Good news, Dad.
It's not just our house.
Oh.
The whole neighborhood's gone dark.
Well, at least they don't know it's our fault.
Bundy did this! Bundy.
Bundy.
Bundy.
God, where'd they get the torches and the pitchforks so fast? Shut up! Put your weight against the door.
They're coming in.
Well, Desert Fox Well, Desert Fox, where will you lead us now? Ha-ha.
You fools.
Do you think I only had one plan to get us air conditioning and keep us cool? Ha.
No.
Trust me.
Air conditioning ye want, air conditioning ye shall have.
Ah.
I wonder what the poor people are doing.
Did I promise you the good life? Honey, if only everyone could be as happy as we are.
Everybody doesn't have me, babe.
Oh, that poor woman.
You know, it just shows that there can be unhappiness in even a grand place like What'd you call this place again? Supermarket, babe.
Supermarket.
Wow.
A big building with food.
Mm.
What'll they think of next? Free sample? Uh, thank you, cheese lady.
Listen, i-if you see the lady with the little tray of weenies, tell her we've been waiting.
Oh, my hands are all greasy from eating.
Wh-where's Kelly with my damn towel? Here I am, Daddy.
Daddy what's this? Looks like some kind of vegetable, honey.
Ew.
Uh, Bud.
Go deep.
Ha-ha! Ha! Ha-ha! Excuse me here, family, but, uh, as the only one among us who hasn't yet been fingerprinted, do you actually think no one's gonna notice we're living in aisle four of a supermarket? Bud, we're your parents.
You let us worry about what's right or wrong.
Now, you go on over to aisle 12 and get Daddy some slippers.
Oh, and while you're at it, get Mom some perfume, too, huh? Oh, Al.
You remembered my birthday.
Ahem.
Folks, excuse me.
What are you doing here? What does it look like we're doing here? We're shopping.
You've been here for four hours.
Well, we're conscientious shoppers.
Peg, you wanna read me the ingredients in those chips? "Potatoes.
" Nah.
It's not quite what I'm looking for.
I may be just a stock boy, but I know the look of a family without an air conditioner.
I'm gonna have to call the manager.
Ah, now.
W-wait a second.
Wait a second there.
Uh, all right.
You-- You look like a smart young guy.
I, uh, think maybe I can trust you.
Name's Bundy, Al Bundy.
I'm with the National Supermarket Security Agency.
There has been a rash of food-related food thefts in the area, and that's what-- That's what I'm here for.
Bundy.
I carry a whistle.
Whoa.
Really? Now, act natural.
See that, uh, woman over there? Don't look.
That's Velveeta Annie.
The notorious blue-haired cheese bandit.
I've been on her trail since the Dakotas.
Mrs.
Gillis? She's been shopping here for years.
Kid, don't you know that Gillis is the underworld name for "cheese booster?" Are you sure about this, Special Agent Bundy-- ? Don't-- Don't look at her now.
I-- I think she's making her move.
Uh Let's see what Yeah, I think we got her now.
Yeah, I think the eagle has landed.
Uh, listenI don't want to make this bust and blow my cover, so you take it, kid.
Thank you, Special Agent Bundy.
Sohow do you like our cheese, Gillis? Hopefully as much as you like our jails.
Come along, baby.
Bobby, what's come over you? But-- But I was your kindergarten teacher.
Ohh! Gee, Al, you think we did the right thing? Ah.
So an old lady goes to jail.
So who gets hurt? This is living, isn't it, babe? Yeah.
Oh, look.
Isn't that the family of poor people everyone says is living here? Isn't it pathetic? Get a job, buddy.
Why, you little-- You know, I have half a mind to move us to aisle six and not tell him.
Well, I'm bored.
I'm gonna go boost us a radio.
Does anyone want anything? Well, how about some plants? You know, for ambience? How about you, Daddy? Uh, miss? Uh, excuse me.
I-I think you dropped something.
Thank you, market dweller.
Daddy.
What?! Do you want anything? Mm.
Yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons.
And a plucked chicken.
Uh, I thought I smelled shoes.
Well, if it isn't the "Vanderbundys" in their summer home.
Hi, Marcie.
Are you having a party? Uh, no.
Thanks to Al, I and the rest of the block are sweltering to death in our own homes.
A- are they still mad at me? For blacking out the entire neighborhood on the hottest day of the year? Heck, no.
In fact, it's brought us all closer together.
Why, when we were burning you in effigy, I ran into people I hadn't seen in years.
We sat around, we sang our favorite folk songs, like, "If I Had a Hammer, I'd Drive It Through Al Bundy's Skull.
" You know, Marcie, we just feel terrible about this whole mess.
Don't we, Al? Oh, miss, I think you dropped your corn.
Oops.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, miss.
Uh, you dropped your flea fogger.
Oops.
Thank you.
No, thankyou.
Uh, miss.
Ooh-- You dropped your broccoli spears.
Oh.
Thanks again.
No, thankyou.
Bud.
Here's something men do.
Quick.
Get me something.
Excuse me, miss.
Uh, you dropped your, uh eggs.
Weren't you the same guy that was rubbing up against me at the bus? No.
I meant him.
You little He-he-he.
Cheese security? I saw his credentials.
They say he's the best.
I don't know.
I got my doubts about this guy.
I know I know that face from somewhere.
What'd you say his name was? Bundy.
Al Bundy.
I'm gonna check him out.
Yellow alert.
Yellow alert.
So you're the dairy spy.
Why don't you just announce it to the whole store.
You're on report, buddy.
Kelly give me a pen.
Blue or red? Uh Uh, blue.
Fine point or husky? Uh Never mind, pumpkin.
Wait a minute.
Al Bundy.
Of course.
You've been dribbling checks all over town.
Listen.
Buy something or get out.
Alrighty.
Peg checkbook.
No.
Cash only, Bundy.
And I still want two forms of ID.
You just lost yourself some business, buster.
Kids, let's go.
We're moving down to the drugstore down the street.
Buy something, or you'll be moving into the county jail.
Alrighty.
Family meeting.
Kids, you got any money for old Dad? Eighteen cents.
When I said I needed a battery for the Kaiser, you said you didn't have a dime.
No, we said we "didn't give a damn.
" Boy, how soon they forget the good times.
All right, come on.
Let's see what we can buy.
Peg, bring the cart.
How do I work this thing? The same thing you do with me.
You just get behind it, and you shove.
Uh, Marce, listen.
Uh, I've only got a pack of gum.
Uh, could I get in front of you? Eat hot death.
Oh, The National Enquire.
"Steve Rhoades Marries Cher.
" Where? Where? Congratulations, sir.
You're our one millionthcustomer.
Well, w-what does that mean? You've won a free $1000 supermarket shopping spree.
Hey.
I was the next in line.
Well, what are you complaining about? You still are.
We won.
We won.
We won.
We won.
We won.
We won.
We won.
Oh, we won.
Oh, we won!