Mike & Molly s05e21 Episode Script

Oh, this is crazy.
You know, now I get why people hate us when we block traffic.
What the hell are they building, anyway? According to that poster on the fence, it's gonna be high-rise condominiums and shops populated completely by white people.
What are you talking about? There's a black guy right there.
That's not a black guy.
That's a heat lamp.
Really? Mm-hmm.
I was wondering why he was wearing that Chinese hat.
But what is going on with this cement truck? Mm-hmm.
Come on, move it, man.
Let's give him a little whoop-whoop.
Did that son of a bitch just flip us the bird? Why did he do that? Now we got to get out of the car.
You know what he did? He put bad karma out in the world, and now it's coming home to roost.
Well, which is why I choose to radiate positive energy.
Universe is a cosmic penny jar never take one, always leave one.
Aw, he's got a busted taillight.
That's a $100 fine.
Namaste, universe.
Watch out! Whoa.
Well, you go write the ticket.
I got to go change my pants.
La, la-Ba-Dee-da La, la-Ba-Dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Gentlemen, your booth awaits.
Uh, one tea and one coffee? I love you.
I might not always like you, but I love you.
Well, someone's getting an extra sausage link.
That could have been it, man.
I mean, what would have been my last words? You know, what was the last thing that I said? I don't know, something about crapping your pants.
I guess there's no way to make that sound heroic.
Yeah, I just keep replaying the scene over and over in my head, man.
If we're in that squad car for ten more seconds, we're not here.
Yeah, we are alive by the grace of a truck driver's middle finger.
God bless that rude son of a bitch.
You know, this is the kind of thing that makes you take a hard look at your life.
You know? Did I live the best one that I could? Did I carpe my Diem? Yeah, uh it really makes you think.
You know? I mean Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
What Are you telling me that you're satisfied with everything that you did in your life? Well, there was that mullet and that Michael Jackson glove I wore in my senior picture, but overall, I'd say A-plus-plus would recommend to a friend.
All right, well, not me.
After that accident, the one face that's been popping up in my mind is Victoria's.
Well, what's wrong with that? It means you're finally in a good relationship.
No drama, no crying phone calls at 3:00 a.
m.
I am so glad to not be getting those from you anymore.
Hey, man, I'm just happy that I've been given a second chance to do something that I should've done a long time ago.
Mike, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Really? I love her.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
And the rest of my life starts right now.
Okay, you you sure this isn't just some knee-jerk reaction to almost getting panini'ed in the squad car? I'm as sure as I've been about anything.
Well, then that's fantastic.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Big news, Samuel.
Carl is gonna ask Victoria to marry him.
No.
Well, she can do much better, but I'm so happy for you.
Hey, let's make this official.
Mike Biggs, will you be my best man? Course, I'd be honored.
All right, then.
Oh, and Samuel? Yes? Can I get some lemon for my tea? Yep.
It was just a freak accident, man.
One bolt cracked, and bam! Carl and I could've ended up like a couple of Girl Scout Thin Mints.
Oh, my God.
I am so thankful that you weren't hurt.
We all are.
Yeah, but if he had to go, flattened by a girder's not a bad way.
Yeah, it's quick, painless, and you were on the job, so the payout's got to be huge.
Oh, and that's-that's just from the city.
The big jackpot comes from the settlement with the construction company.
Oh, yeah, that kind of negligence we'd spend the rest of our days living on a yacht off Myrtle Beach.
Oh.
Wearing nothing but sunscreen and a smile on the SS Mike.
Mmm.
I'm still alive.
Yeah, and it's my money.
Well, I guess we've all learned something about each other, haven't we? You two are not invited on the yacht.
Are you sure you're okay? You know, I'm more than okay.
When I almost died today, I realized I don't have any regrets.
Except that maybe I didn't meet you sooner.
Aw.
You know, you were already getting some action tonight, but now you are really gonna get some.
Oh, hey, by the way, Carl invited us to dinner with Victoria and him on Friday.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, uh, I can't tell you why.
But it's very important that we be there.
All right.
I mean, it's really, really, really important that we be there.
Does Carl have another Groupon? Hmm? You're close.
He's gonna propose to Victoria.
He's gonna propose? I didn't say anything.
You said exactly that.
I know, I know, I know! But don't tell anybody.
Don't tell anybody.
He wants it to be a surprise.
Well, of course not.
I'm not gonna ruin Victoria's biggest night.
Ooh! I can help her plan the wedding.
I can fix all the mistakes we made with ours.
What Wh-What mistakes? Our wedding was beautiful.
It was good.
It wasn't perfect.
Let's just say, if a girder landed on me, I'd still be seeing your Fudgie the Whale groomsman cake.
My only regret is I didn't get to marry you twice.
I already said you're getting action.
It's not gonna happen sooner.
I almost died.
All right, let's go.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey, hey, hey! Is every-everything okay? Yeah.
Why? I-I thought I heard something.
No.
Not here.
No.
Maybe it was from outside.
Oh.
Do you still hear it? No.
Then I guess it's your word against ours.
All right, I'm gonna get going.
Okay.
Bye, hon.
Have a great day at work.
I will.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh Now, remember, you can't say a word.
Oh, don't worry, I can keep a secret.
I'm not like you.
I'm just so proud of myself.
Both my girls married off, and neither one of you knocked up.
Aw.
I'd like to take credit, but it's just dumb luck, really, so This is so exciting.
I'm thinking a winter wedding.
Neutral palette, harps play as you walk down the aisle strewn with rose petals.
Or we could do it in Vegas dressed like Bonnie and Clyde.
Don't ruin this for me, okay? Come on, girls, we're gonna be late.
So, where you going for dinner? Uh, Permesso.
I approve.
Thank you.
So does Yelp.
Four stars and only two dollar signs.
Here comes Victoria.
Look at me.
My hands are sweating.
Take good care of my little girl.
I will.
And Mike's paying for Molly, too.
We worked all that out.
Ooh, I hope you like seafood.
For as long as we both shall live.
Sorry.
I bought a new camera.
Just testing it out.
And one more with the mother of the Victoria.
Ah.
Okay, let's get a move on.
Go.
Have dinner.
Mazel tov! You got the ring? What ring? The ring you're gonna use to propose to Victoria with.
Oh, that? Well, I changed my mind.
That ain't happening.
Whoa! What are you talking about? You can't just ask someone to marry you and then take it back.
I didn't ask anyone to marry me.
Well, you asked me! I mean, you told me you were gonna ask Victoria.
I mean, that is practically a verbal contract.
We almost got killed.
I said a lot of things.
I told Samuel he could have my ten-speed bike.
I'm sorry he shaved his legs and bought a helmet, but I'm taking my bike back, too.
Yeah, but you set things in motion.
Nothing got set in motion.
The only person I told was you.
Yeah, but y you got my hopes up! And now I am very disappointed.
Aw.
You want to be my brother-in-law.
Look, don't worry.
I love Victoria, okay? The time will come, all right? But this is a big decision.
There's no need to rush into it.
All I can say is, you picked a hell of a time to stop jumping into things like an idiot.
Thank you.
Thank God I got action yesterday, 'cause I am headed for a drought.
Hey.
You guys should see the new squad car they gave us.
Same model, same features, but it's got that new car smell, you know, as opposed to that old Mike smell.
Oh, very nice.
Oh, no.
We didn't order champagne.
The Groupon says ice tea only.
Oh.
This is compliments of me and Mike.
Well, we'll just have the one glass.
Everybody can take a pull.
Keep pouring.
Keep pouring.
Can you not be so cheap just for one night? This is a special occasion.
Or a very uncomfortable dinner.
Can I talk to you for a sec, Mol? No, because I bet Carl is just about to make a toast.
No, I'm not.
Oh, that's right.
Those come later.
Come on.
Uh, it'll just take a second.
Uh oh, I want you to help me pick out a lobster.
You hate lobster.
No, I'm allergic.
But I'm willing to give it another try.
Come on! All right.
A wife's job is never done.
You'll see.
Very soon.
Mmm.
So So.
So So? So! Ooh, this guy.
He wants out anyway.
Come on.
Let's go back before he gives her the ring.
There is no ring.
He's gonna let her pick out the one she wants.
Oh, I wish you would've done that.
What? What? No, listen to me.
Carl changed his mind.
He's not proposing tonight.
I'm sorry.
What's that? Well, he thought about it, and he doesn't want to rush into anything.
So no harm, no foul.
You know? I think I will have the lobster.
You got Benadryl, right? Are you crazy? Carl can't back out now.
There are things in motion.
What's in motion? You know, things.
Oh.
Did you tell Victoria? No.
Molly.
Of course I did.
Well, why did you do that? It was supposed to be just between the two of us.
No, this was supposed to be between you and Carl, and you blew it, with your big, stupid mouth.
Really? That's the angle you're taking? Yeah.
And your friend's an idiot.
Well, now that I can get behind.
Victoria, can I talk to you for a second? If it's about picking the lobster, I don't want any part of it.
Let somebody else play God.
No, it's not about that.
Just come with me.
Well, hold on.
The waiter's been by, like, three times.
We should probably figure out what we're ordering first.
Yeah, sounds good.
Man, I cannot decide what I want.
No, you cannot.
Too many choices.
A man shouldn't have to pick just one.
God, you make me sick.
Mol.
Easy, easy.
I'm sorry, did I say something? No, you didn't.
Because you're a wishy-washy child who can't commit! What is going on? Nothing, sweetie.
Unfortunately, nothing is going on.
Isn't that right, Carl? Well, that all depends if Mike opened his big mouth.
Well, of course he did.
Focus.
He's the idiot.
So, wait, you thought I was gonna propose? I did.
Oh, no.
But you're not? Victoria, I love you.
I-I really do.
And, you know, one day, who knows? You know? But whatever you thought was happening is not gonna happen.
Well, at least not tonight.
Oh, thank goodness.
What's that, now? Are you ready to order? What's your soup? Can we have a minute, please? I mean, I love you, but I am not ready to marry you.
What? When you first spilled the beans, I got so caught up in the excitement and the idea of having a wedding that I didn't really think about what came after that.
So, what, y-you're saying you're relieved that you don't have to spend the rest of your life with me? Oh, here comes the spinout.
Hold on a second.
Let's say I did ask you to marry me.
But you didn't.
But if I did.
Would you have said yes? Carl, come on.
That's like asking, if a chicken laid an egg in the forest, would you hear it? I guess it was a good thing I didn't ruin your life by offering to love and cherish you till death do us part.
What are you getting so mad about? You didn't want to marry me, either.
No, I did.
And then I didn't.
And then I thought maybe someday.
Sounds to me like you don't know what the hell you want.
What I want is for you to not want me to want to marry you.
Is that so hard to understand? Can you believe this? I was so close to planning the perfect wedding.
Eh.
Hey, maybe we can renew our vows.
Ooh, how about we do it in Vegas? God, why do you people want to ruin everything for me? A little higher.
Are you kidding me? I'm on the step that says, "This is not a step.
" Congratulations! Oh, no.
Take it down.
Take it all down.
She said no? He didn't ask.
And then she said no.
I'm getting my stuff and I'm getting out of here.
Go ahead.
Be a baby.
Need help changing your diaper? Oh, no.
Don't try and get sexy with me.
Well, on the bright side, that's the last time Carl tells me a secret.
I love you, Mike, but you've got a big mouth.
Oh, this thing is nice.
Dual climate control.
Hey, you blast the heat, I'll blast the cold, see if we can't make it rain in here.
I liked the way it was.
Well, you don't really have a choice.
I mean, that thing was destroyed.
Publicly.
In front of our very eyes.
Yeah, but maybe we could've fixed it.
Look, I-I know you loved how things were, but let-let's be honest.
It wasn't exactly perfect; Very high-maintenance.
Yeah, but there was a comfort level there.
You know, we knew each other.
Plus, I loved that beautiful trunk.
Eh in time, you'll forget about the old one and learn to love a new one.
Uh, maybe you'll love it even more.
It does ride nice.
Very smooth.
Ah, see? There you go.
Focus on what's ahead of you.
That's right.
Only thing I see in my rearview mirror is a handsome, eligible man who bowls in the 180s and makes one heck of a mock apple pie.
Exactly.
Thanks, man.
You're a good friend.
Ah, glad I could help.
Mike? Yeah.
I miss my old squad car.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
It's okay.
Breathe.