Seinfeld s05e21 Episode Script

Human fascination with water is amazing.
We're constantly going to beaches, pools, lakes, rivers.
We're swimming, we're snorkeling, we're scuba-diving.
We bathe in it.
Our bodies are mostly made of water.
Everyone's carrying around these bottles of water.
We can't get enough water.
Unless it rains then we're like, "Oh, look, I'm soaked.
I am literally drenched.
" For some reason, we have a huge problem with small, flying water.
It'll just stop us right in our tracks.
"I felt a drop.
We're gonna get caught in it! Everyone cover your water bottles.
Run!" Get off at the next exit.
Kramer, I've driven to East Hampton many times.
I know the exit.
I hear it's a great house.
Pool, sun deck.
Yeah, I'll be there.
You sure we're making the right move? We gotta see the new baby.
At least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons.
-Didn't they just have a baby? -That was two years ago.
Remember? "Jerry, you gotta see the baby.
You gotta see the baby.
" Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them? Hey, Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear? -No.
-Put that on the top of your list.
No, not for me.
A little too delightful.
George and Jane should be almost there.
Isn't it weird that they haven't had sex but they're spending a weekend together? George is pleased.
It's like she signed a letter of intent.
-When's Rachel coming out? -The 3:00 train.
Her father is so religious.
I'm amazed he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.
I brought him some kishke.
-What's that? -It's a stuffed meat thing.
Israeli soldiers carry it in case they're captured behind enemy lines.
They eat it and it kills them.
I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.
Me too.
I love cough medicine.
You see? We were made for each other.
It's amazing.
If I reach out and touch her breast right now she'd scream and throw me out of the car.
But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
-What's your favorite? -Pertussin.
-Ever try it with club soda? -No.
Oh, very refreshing.
Sex is like joining a private club.
I'll be the same me tomorrow but suddenly the "no trespassing" sign will be gone.
-Are we almost there? -Yeah, about 1 0, 1 5 minutes.
But I have to stop at a vegetable stand.
-What for? -My mother loves Hampton tomatoes.
She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes.
Can you buy them later? I really wanna get some sun.
Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back.
Who are you, Mrs.
Robinson? Come on.
I'll rub some on you.
-That's not sweetening the deal.
-Oh, come on.
No.
You know, when I was a kid I once found $ 1 .
50 in change at the bottom of a pool.
-You must have been excited.
-Yeah.
I gotta go get those tomatoes.
You wanna go? -I don't think so.
-Okay.
I'll see you later.
-Anybody want some tomatoes? -No, thanks.
I'm gonna take a dip.
And then there's Maude.
Look at my face.
Look at it.
-Do you see any lines? -No lines.
You know why? One word: shade.
So when are we gonna see this baby? When is this momentous event? He's taking a nap or something.
I'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach.
-Elaine, you wanna come? -No, thanks.
I got plenty of girlfriends.
Well, this is interesting.
What? Jane's topless.
Yo-Yo Ma.
Boutros Boutros-Golly.
Nice rack.
Come on, you guys.
You can come and see the baby now.
-Oh, in a minute, Carol.
-Yeah, we're gonna be right up.
This is weird, wild stuff.
George hasn't even seen her yet.
Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview? Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
-What? -Get some good word of mouth going.
Oh, here she comes.
I'm thirsty.
Anyone want a drink? No, thanks.
I'm good.
All right.
Show's over.
I'm going to the beach.
Adam, Jerry and Elaine are here.
Where is the cute little snuggly baby? -Isn't he gorgeous? -Oh, he's-- Is he gorgeous.
Gorgeous, yes.
So very gorgeous.
Michael, shut the door.
You're letting bugs in.
Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen? I couldn't look.
It was like a Pekingese.
Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.
The thing is, they'll never know.
No one's ever gonna tell them.
-You have to lie.
-Oh, it's a must-lie situation.
Yes.
It's a must-lie situation.
You know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless.
No.
I don't think so.
Remind me to tell Kramer too.
Lobster.
-Well, this ointment should do it.
-How are you feeling, Adam? Elaine.
This is our pediatrician, Ben Pfeffer.
Hi.
Look at him, Elaine.
How gorgeous is he, I ask you? How gorgeous? Pretty gorgeous.
-Elaine, do you have children? -Me? No, but I'd love to have a baby.
I mean, I can't wait to have a baby.
I'm just dying to have a baby.
A beautiful woman like you should.
You're quite breathtaking.
Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking? And he's very particular.
Ben, you're staying over tonight, right? Sure.
I.
I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station.
-Yeah, see you.
-Okay.
Oh, just look at him.
Yeah, he really is breathtaking.
The train was so crowded, I had a seat facing the wrong way.
Oh, I like that.
It's like going back in time.
-Hey, Rachel.
-Hi.
-I'm gonna go in and get changed.
-Okay.
What kind of a greeting was that? -She's got greeting problems.
-Yeah.
Boy, I love these Hampton tomatoes.
You know, you can eat them like apples.
It's funny.
The tomato never really took off as a hand fruit.
Well, the tomato's an anomaly.
So successful with the ketchup and the sauce but you can't find a good one.
Look at what I got! The K-man! You got lobster for everybody? Yeah, and they're fresh.
Right out of the ocean! This is fantastic.
Man, what a weekend! Swimming, lobster for dinner.
I know.
It's great.
I saw Jane topless.
You saw who what? Yeah, I saw Jane topless.
Well, we all saw her.
All right.
You saw Jane topless? Well, when you went for the tomatoes, she lied out topless.
Oh, you mean facedown on her chest.
No.
-Faceup on her back? -Yeah.
-Well, why'd she do that? -Well, I guess she was hot.
You mean she just lay there topless? No, no.
She got up, she walked around.
Walked around? -And you looked? -Of course.
She's got a great body, buddy.
All right, I'm gonna go upstairs.
I'll be right back.
I can't believe that you saw her before me! Think of me as a doctor.
-Well, how good a look did you get? -What do you mean? Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist? They'd pick her up in about 1 0 minutes.
Great.
Great.
So any time you want, you can just visualize her naked.
I guess that's true.
Stop it.
Stop it.
This is not fair! It's not fair.
I don't like this.
I don't like it one bit.
What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked? Yes! Yes! -Yeah, right.
-The punishment should fit the crime.
You could see me naked.
I could offer you that.
It's like I'm Neil Armstrong.
I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first! Nobody ever called me breathtaking before.
I've never been called breathtaking either.
I mean, if he thinks that that baby is breathtaking then who's not breathtaking? Maybe he just said it because the mother was in the room.
Yeah.
Right.
That's a possibility.
I have to find out.
-How you gonna do that? -I can be very clever.
-I'm gonna take a swim.
-Oh, me too.
I'll meet you down there.
Don't go in.
Rachel's getting undressed.
Oh, okay.
-Hey! -Oh, sorry.
-Don't you knock? -I'm sorry.
Not like I'll see something I've never seen before.
-You might have.
-I didn't.
You won't.
What do you want anyway, George? Yes, George.
I'm kind of wondering myself.
What is it that you want? No, I was just wondering if you guys had any gum.
So you were swimming in the pool and you wanted some gum.
Yes, because the water was cold and the chewing warms me up.
We don't have any gum.
Okay.
Thanks anyway.
Strange man.
Wait till you get to know him.
-So where is this baby, anyway? -Oh, check it out.
I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable.
It's down the hall, third door on your left.
Oh, my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room.
I'm really sorry.
I was in the pool! I was in the pool! Did she do it on purpose? It was my fault.
I told her the wrong door.
I was supposed to see her.
She wasn't supposed to see me.
So what? Well, ordinarily I wouldn't mind.
But.
But what? Well, I'd just got back from swimming in the pool and the water was cold.
-You mean shrinkage.
-Yes.
Significant shrinkage.
So you feel you were shortchanged? Yes.
If she thinks that's me, she's under a complete misapprehension.
That was not me, Jerry.
That was not me.
Well, so, what's the difference? -What if she discusses it with Jane? -Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
-How do you know? -Women aren't like us.
They're worse! They're much worse than us.
They talk about everything.
Could you tell her about the shrinkage factor? No.
I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage.
Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
How do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? -Elaine.
-Elaine.
Elaine! -What? -Do women know about shrinkage? What do you mean, like laundry? No.
Like when a man goes swimming, afterwards.
It shrinks? Like a frightened turtle.
-Why does it shrink? -It just does.
I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
-Excellent lobster, Kramer.
-Really good.
Rachel, aren't you gonna have any? No, I can't.
I'm kosher.
We don't eat shellfish.
You mean you've never tasted lobster? No.
You're so pious.
I really respect that.
You know, when you die you're gonna get some special attention.
The baby's crying.
I'll go get him, he can sit with us.
No, no.
You don't want to do that.
-You'll be uncomfortable.
-Yeah.
Finish eating.
The baby's not gonna have any fun over here.
-We're not fun for a baby.
-Yeah.
The lobsters will scare him.
I'm gonna get him.
See? Look at this.
Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk.
It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk.
See, that's what water does.
It shrinks things.
Really? Tell us more, Mr.
Science.
What are you doing? What are you laughing at? -It's nothing, George.
-It's very impolite to tell secrets.
-Are you talking about me? -What is it with you? Easy, big fella.
Kramer, where did you get these lobsters? -At MacLeish's Fish Market? -No.
I got them in the ocean.
The ocean? What do you mean? Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it all these lobsters came up.
Those are commercial lobster traps.
You can't take lobsters from there.
-That's against the law.
-Hey, take it easy.
There are plenty of lobsters in the ocean for everyone.
My father was a lobsterman.
He got up every morning at 4 and came home at night stinking of brine.
He sent me through law school with the lobsters he caught.
Here he is.
-Some night, huh? -Yeah.
I wish I had my telescope.
-Some dinner, huh? -Yeah.
Nothing like really fresh-caught lobster.
Some house, huh? It was built by Mark Farbman.
He built a lot of these homes here.
Some ugly baby, huh? -What did you say? -I said "some snuggly baby.
" He is something.
Well, to tell you the truth, Dr.
Pfeffer I was surprised to hear you use a word like "breathtaking" to describe a baby.
I mean, because you also used it referring to me.
Well, you know, Elaine, sometimes you say a thing like that just to be nice.
You told her? -Yeah.
What's the big deal? -You don't understand this organ.
It's very schizophrenic.
Anyway, what's the difference? You're the ones who are obsessed with this stuff, not us.
I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane.
You're going back to New York now? Yeah.
I have some things to do tomorrow.
I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, that's what I think.
So what if I did? And she didn't say something to you about a certain something? I don't know what you're talking about.
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be when, in fact, it is all that it should be and more.
-I'm sure it is.
-Look, you don't understand.
There was shrinkage.
You looking for this? Oh, Kramer.
You startled me.
Well, I thought you might wind up around here.
Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about the way everybody was enjoying the lobster so much.
And, well, I thought a little taste couldn't hurt.
-May I? -No, I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
-Why not? -Well, now, it wouldn't be kosher.
Come on, Kramer.
I really wanna try it.
No, I'm sorry, honey.
Not on my watch.
Come on, Kramer.
I just heard a car drive out.
What was that? Oh, just Jane driving back to New York in the middle of the night.
George, thanks so much for making breakfast.
These are the best scrambled eggs ever.
I didn't know you could cook.
Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host.
Yes, George, the whole breakfast is breathtaking.
-Good morning.
-Hey! -Hey, morning.
-Morning.
Kramer, I wanna thank you again for last night.
-You really saved me.
-What happened? Well, I almost tried the lobster but Kramer stopped me.
Well, I knew you'd regret it for the rest of your life.
You're right.
I would have.
Hey, look at this guy.
-A little breakfast? -Yeah.
-And you eat eggs, don't you? -Yes, I do.
-All right.
-Thank you.
Delicious.
Where did you learn to make eggs like this? These are so good.
Enjoying them? Oh, good.
You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of these.
There's lobster in these eggs? Not that much.
You know, they tend to shrink in the water.
Well, I guess I gotta go too.
Well, this has turned out to be one hell of a weekend.
Excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.
We're trying to track down a lobster poacher that cleaned out one of the traps.
I wonder what's going on.
Guess I should go up and apologize.
-There he is, officer.
-Yeah.
Don't you ever knock?! I don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael and Carol.
Hey, if you saw me naked I wouldn't wanna ride in the same car with you either.
I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer.
How is he gonna pay off a $ 1 000 fine? They got some sort of program.
What? Hey, there's a tomato stand.
Let's stop.
I can get some more.
Hey, isn't that Michael's car? -There's Rachel.
-Where? Look at the work that people will do to get to the ocean.
They'll fight traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand trying to get through the waves and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't even really want us in there.
That's what surfing is.
Surfing is the ocean throwing us out of itself.
You see? We keep trying to paddle in and the ocean is saying, "No, you don't.
" The ocean is like a nightclub and the waves are bouncers tossing us out.
The undertow is like the really mean bouncer.
Instead of throwing you out, they take you in the back and rough you up.
"Oh, you wanna come in? How about coming in like 25 miles?"