The Golden Girls (1985) s05e21 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Oh, Ma, come here.
I want you to taste this.
Well? Wouldn't it be easier to put a pillow over my face while I sleep? Just set the table.
I'm expecting Stan and his cousin any minute.
Oh, then this sauce is perfect.
Well, maybe just a drop more disinfectant.
There! I'm done.
Boy, it sure took you a long time to spell "Welcome Magda.
" I thought that'd be too boring.
So instead I decided to depict Magda's escape from Czechoslovakia.
But isn't that barbed wire? Isn't it amazing what you can do with icing? Gee, you made that pack of dogs look very realistic.
But Rose, the revolution in Czechoslovakia was a peaceful one.
Nobody was chased by a pack of dogs.
But they're good dogs, Rose.
You are not gonna believe this.
My sister Charmaine just called me.
I didn't think the two of you were speaking.
Well, we're not.
Then how did you know it was her on the other end of the line? Rose, you're bringing down the curve for the whole country.
I just don't believe it.
She is coming to town to promote a novel she's just had published.
We're all invited to a book-signing party.
Why, I can't believe she ever read a book, much less wrote one.
(doorbell) They're here.
I just hope Magda is nothing like Stan.
What am I gonna do about my sister coming? By the time she leaves Miami, she'll be more famous here than I am.
Honey, only if they close the Sheraton.
Dorothy? Cousin Magda! Such a beautiful home! Who sleeps with government official? That would be my friend Blanche.
Pleased to meet you, Magda.
Thank you.
And this is my mother, Sophia Petrillo.
So you're Stan's cousin.
Please don't hold it against me.
She's OK.
Sit down, sit down.
Tell me, where's Stan? Is he parking the car? I take taxi.
Stanley and I have disagreement.
Oh? What about? He saw himself as human being.
I disagreed.
The man is pig! He charge me rent! His own cousin.
I can believe that.
His rates are reasonable, but the way he nickels and dimes you on the extras No, you're right.
Stan is a lazy, disgusting, sorry excuse for a man.
Now I stay here with you.
On the other hand, I hear he's got cable.
But Dorothy, I have nowhere to go.
I am stranger in strange land.
Oh, don't send me to cheap motel.
You have to pay for ice, just like at Stanley's.
Would it be all right if she stayed with us? A novel! How did my sister publish a novel? I think it's all right with Blanche if you stay here.
You can have my room, I'll sleep with Ma.
Good.
Now when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming I'll have a reason.
And you remember that time Big Daddy caught us skinny-dipping with those boys? And you told him it was our Bible study group "just practicing baptizing.
" It would've worked, too, if you hadn't come up screaming: "Hey, y'all, things look bigger underwater!" Maybe it's my imagination, but we seem to be getting along.
I know! You just seem so refined, and vivacious, and charming.
Boy, you've really changed.
Thank you, Blanche.
Now, don't forget.
I'm gonna see you later at the book signing.
Maybe I can get a copy of your book there.
Well, it just so happens Oh, is this it? Vixen: Story of a Woman.
Ooh, catchy title! Would you like me to sign it? Oh, sure! Oh, imagine! An autographed copy.
Will this make it harder to exchange? Just kidding.
"To my sister Blanche.
You have inspired me more than you will ever know.
Charmaine.
" That is very sweet.
I guess we'll see each other at the book signing.
Oh, I meant to ask you.
By any chance, do you happen to know what happened to Big Daddy's pocket watch? Virginia says you took it after the funeral.
That pocket watch meant so much to me.
Big Daddy promised that watch to me.
In writing? It was in the will.
Is this the same will where he promised the summer house to Gopher from Love Boat? No, this is the sober will.
All right, all right, you can have the watch.
It's in my room.
Oh, not now, I'm late.
Just bring it to the book signing, OK? Well, bye, darling.
See you there.
Did Charmaine leave already? Oh, Rose, honey, what am I gonna do? After all these years of jealousy and malice we finally have a chance to be friends.
But now I've got to read her book.
Why, if it's a piece of junk I'll have to tell her, and that'll just kill her.
Well, look on the bright side.
It could be good.
I was looking on the bright side.
What a day.
What's the matter? Where's Magda? You mean Flora the Red Menace? She's helping Rose unload the car.
Is something wrong? I don't want to talk about it.
Magda is driving us crazy.
All she does is complain about how awful things are in America.
Everywhere we went, something bothered her.
We showed her the mall-- She said we live in a plastic society with no soul.
This was after I bought her Beef Sticks and spreadable cheese from Hickory Farms.
Rose, everywhere you look the rich take advantage of the poor.
How can you deny there are inequities in this society? Well, sure there are inequities, but at least we treat everybody the same.
There must be something about this country you like.
I like Slurpees.
Like 'em? That's your fifth in the last hour.
They taste so natural and fruitlike.
Oh, Blanche, I see you've started Charmaine's book.
How is it? Honey, I don't know if I can get through it.
You mean it's not good? Oh, it's awful! This book is totally unbelievable.
The heroine, Vixen St.
James, is this shallow southern belle who's vain, self-centered, and a pushover for any man that crosses her path.
Yeah, she's right.
That is unbelievable.
Oh.
Oh Oh! Ow! You drank the Slurpee too fast again, didn't you? It's like knife sticking in forehead.
The pain, it is it is really good! These Slurpees are best thing about America.
Magda, how can you be such an expert on America when you've only been here a few days? I know that Communist system is more fair.
How can you say that? People all over the world are realizing that Communism doesn't work.
It worked for me.
I had automatic can opener, I had toaster, and I was very near top of list to get electricity.
For me, things were good.
Yeah, but if things were good for you and bad for everyone else, how is that fair? Comrade? Don't tell me about Communism.
I know what I know.
I am a Communist.
This is terrible! I was raised to hate Communists.
I remember in the early '50s when McCarthy came to St.
Olaf to speak in the town square.
I was never so moved by a public speaker.
Although some people thought he was a puppet for the right wing.
No, wait.
That was Charlie McCarthy.
I'd have put money on that.
But still, St.
Olaf's town motto was "Better Ned than red.
" Ned was sort of the town idiot.
When? On your days off? What do you want me to do? Throw her out? Yes.
And while you're at it, ditch the Commie.
I don't believe this.
I just don't believe it.
What's the matter? Listen to this.
"Vixen stared at herself in the mirror, "her pouty lips, her flaxen hair, "her flawless alabaster skin.
"Her proud breasts seemed to be saying, 'Is it just me or is it cold in here?'" So? Pouty, flaxen, proud? What do you need? A photograph? This book is about me! I don't see Blanche.
She said she'd be over right after her hair appointment.
She wanted to look her best for Charmaine's big day.
Well, Blanche is handling this a lot better than I would.
I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades.
You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet? So many books! I know.
This is a book store.
If you need me, I'll be in the Bitter Children of Celebrities section.
Don't get lost.
Too many books.
Too many contradictory opinions next to each other.
This leads to anarchy.
These books represent different ideas.
What's going to happen now there is freedom? The people in my country are going to read all these books and be confused.
No, the way things were, we knew what to do.
The choices were easy.
When there is one road, no one gets lost.
Not necessarily.
Back in St.
Olaf, there-- Rose.
Is this a story about getting lost? Uh-huh.
Well, don't tell us.
Show us.
Magda, there are two books I want you to read.
The first one is Thomas Paine's Common Sense.
I think it'll give you some idea of what freedom is all about.
And the second is Vanna White's autobiography.
Why should I read this? It's just a hell of a book.
Ma.
Ma, I don't know how much more of Magda I can stand.
We're so close to the Bermuda Triangle, it'd be a shame for her not to see it.
You know, you really can't blame Magda.
It's all this Communist ideology that's been pumped into her.
I hate Communism.
Of course you hate Communism, Ma.
It's because you were raised a Fascist.
Blanche, where have you been? Blanche? Blanche? Blanche! Oh, you look just beautiful.
Thank you for coming.
Darling, I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Did you get a chance to read any of the book? Every word.
Well, what did you think? I should've known I couldn't trust you.
That all that "let's be sisters" stuff was just a bunch of bull.
You had no right to use my life for your book.
To twist facts so that beautiful, sacred love became so much tawdry trash.
I earned that A in history! For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed to be a Hollingsworth.
Vixen: Story of a Woman is nothing but a vulgar collection of perverse sexual acts that are sheer and utter filth! (phone rings) Hello? Oh, just a minute.
Blanche, it's for you.
It's Charmaine again.
OK.
Blanche, don't you think you should talk to her? She's still your sister.
No.
My sister has turned into a deceitful old woman whose only pleasure is in hurting people.
No offense, Sophia.
None taken.
Slut.
What really gets me is I was willing to be friends.
But just as I start to forgive and forget, Charmaine turns my life into a bestseller.
You know something, Blanche? You're not the only one who ever had a problem with sisters.
When I was a kid, I had a doll named Mrs.
Doolittle.
And Gloria was not supposed to-- Do we have to listen to that damn Mrs.
Doolittle story again? So your sister broke your doll.
It was 50 years ago.
It was very traumatic.
She was my favorite doll.
I didn't talk to Gloria for months.
But eventually, Blanche, I realized sisters are harder to replace than dolls.
So we made up, and I vowed right then and there never ever to fight over something so childish and silly again.
My favorite! I have a sister story I think you'll find interesting.
She didn't just break it, she made it so the eyes would never close again.
She made Mrs.
Doolittle look like a morphine addict! There was a time in my life when I wanted to leave St.
Olaf.
I just didn't feel it was big enough for me.
I had my eye on the Great White Way.
So I went to St.
Gustav, the city that never naps.
That first night I walked around in amazement.
They had their own Fotomat! Of course, it wasn't as large as the Fotomats you see today.
Now, here's the scary part.
Suddenly, I realized I was this frightened little girl alone in the big city.
Accident, my foot! It started to rain, and I stood there in the middle of the town square and cried.
Gloria was the one who had to get the rabies shot.
I was a biter.
There I was, drenched, and someone yelled out: "Hey! Don't you have enough sense to come in out of the rain?" Well, then it hit me.
And when I went home to St.
Olaf, I passed on this bit of street-smart savvy.
The next thing you know, in St.
Olaf the in thing was coming in out of the rain.
I was the town celebrity.
Until the phrase "Watch out for that tractor" caught on.
What in hell does this have to do with sisters? Didn't I mention? St.
Olaf and St.
Gustav were sister cities.
And how did Mrs.
Doolittle's hair get singed? Did it herself? I think not.
Now, I had very bad fight with my sister once.
Oh, really? Tell us about it.
I turned her over to secret police.
And? And what? I turned her over to secret police.
No more to tell.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie That's amore When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine That's amore Ma, that's lovely.
What? Your singing.
That was me? I was gonna ask you to turn off the radio.
Ladies, ladies, I have very bad news.
I must shorten my stay, Dorothy.
In fact, I'm leaving tomorrow.
Dorothy, move the coffee table.
I wanna do a cartwheel.
I must return to Czechoslovakia immediately because of something very valuable I learned here.
You finally understood what I was saying in the book store.
No, no.
It was story Rose told last night in kitchen about going to St.
Gustav, learning to come in out of the rain-- My very favorite doll.
Dorothy, let it go.
Anyway, that trip changed her life.
Now I must have courage to change mine.
I'm going back with what I learned here.
It didn't change my life, I just went home.
Shut up, she's leaving.
See, I left Czechoslovakia because I was afraid of change, afraid of the new freedom.
But now I see in America freedom is change.
Always changing for the better idea.
I want to be part of the future of my country.
So I'm going home.
And you got that part from my story? No, Vanna White's book.
I told you.
Anyway, now I must go pack my things.
And again, Rose, thank you for story.
You know, isn't life funny? Last night in bed I told myself: "Nobody listens to your stories, Rose, quit telling them.
" And I swore I would never tell another story as long as I lived.
And then you hear something like this, and you realize these stories make a difference.
Oh! You know, something sort of like that happened to Hans Fliegelfleister.
(doorbell) I hope it's Death.
Get it, Rose.
Okey-dokey.
Charmaine! Blanche, look who's here.
It's Charmaine.
Oh, good.
Ringside seats.
What do you want? Among other things, your apology.
Well, unless I missed a newsflash, hell did not freeze over today.
Anything else? Yes.
Big Daddy's pocket watch.
That watch is a family heirloom.
As far as I'm concerned you're no longer family.
I believe you said it was in your room.
Which room is that? Turnstile at the end of the hall.
So, anyway, Hans Fliegelfleister Get out of my room! Not till I find that watch.
Now, where is it? I'll never tell.
Unlike you, who tells everything.
You had no right to use me, to rip off my life for profit.
I wish my bank account was as big as your ego.
Now, you listen, and you listen good.
My book is based on my life.
Oh, that book just drips Blanche Devereaux.
Only the names have been changed to protect the satisfied.
You think you're the only one who wakes up to smiles and roses? Well, how about that inscription? How I'd inspired you more than I'll ever know? Oh, I write the same thing to everybody.
Just like signing yearbooks, remember? You always wrote the same thing.
"You were the first.
" Wrote it, hell.
I had a stamp made.
Oh, I guess I've just been a fool.
Blanche, we're an awful lot alike.
Too much alike.
It's probably why we never got along.
That also might be the reason why you thought the book was about you.
My God, you're right.
Oh, uh Except for that part where Vixen is terrified of losing her looks and growing old alone.
I have never felt like that.
Course! Me neither.
That's what makes it fiction.
You remember the other day when you said you thought it was time that we were friends again? I believe I'm ready to try.
Oh! Oh, Blanche! Come on, I'll make you a big cup of coffee.
Oh, darling, I smudged your makeup.
Oh, I messed up your hair.