Cheers s05e22 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Well, I'm off, Sam.
Sixth row center for the Royal Shakespeare Company.
I still have the extra ticket if you happened to have changed your mind.
I-I just don't like that stuff.
All those guys jumping around stabbing each other in their leotards.
I I'm sorry.
Come on.
I don't want to go alone.
I-I know.
I know.
Did I hear right? You're leaving early? I'm going to a play.
Fine.
I'll just stay here, work my butt to the bone, while the boss's fiancée takes another day off.
SAM: Hey, come on.
We're not that busy around here.
What're you doing? As a matter of fact, why don't why don't you go to the play with Diane? Ha.
How about it, Carla? We rarely do things together.
We never do things together.
It'll be fun.
It'll broaden your horizons.
You what're you saying? I-I'm going to get the afternoon off if I go to the play with Bleachbag? Only if you go to the play with Bleachbag.
It's a deal.
(laughs): I'm so excited.
I've been waiting months for this production to arrive.
Sounds good.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
I'll bring the pork rinds, you bring the beer.
We'll make spit wads out of the programs.
Take this.
Follow her.
Enjoy.
Hey, honey, wait up.
(piano plays) ♪ Making your way in the world today ♪ Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Greetings, everyone.
CLIFF: Hey, Doctor.
A beer, stout yeoman.
Boy, you're in a good mood, Dr.
Crane.
And why shouldn't I be? Next week marks the anniversary of the day my beloved Lilith and I first met.
CLIFF: No kiddin'? Yeah.
As a show of my affection, I bought her a Louis Quatorze armoire at a little antique shop I saw on the Hill today.
It set me back quite a penny.
You know, I think when you're trying to express your affection for your mate, old wood says it best.
What do I say? I was talking about the armoire.
I never say that.
I don't even know what an armoire is.
It's a large chest.
Well, hey, what woman wouldn't want that? (laughing) So, uh, what's Lilith getting you there, Doc? A set of golf clubs.
Eh.
Although she doesn't know it yet.
Well, how can you be so sure? Well, I've left a lot of clues around the house.
You'd have to be an idiot not to know what I want.
And what's that, Dr.
Crane? I-I haven't decided yet, Wood.
Ah.
So, uh eh, Doc, I didn't know you were a fellow linkster.
You know, uh, someday, when you feel you're good enough, I'll, uh, take you down to my private country club for a little, uh, mano a mano.
Eh, Normie, remember I took you down? I had a great time.
I got, uh, three holes in one, and I birdied the windmill.
Hey, barkeep, I hear you pour a mean root beer in this saloon.
Joyce? (laughs) Oh, my God.
Joyce.
Hi.
Surprise.
Oh.
Ha.
Boy, look at you.
It's been ages, you know that? Yeah.
Hey, everybody, this is Coach's niece, Joyce Pantusso.
Nice to meet you.
Look at you.
It's so good to see you.
Oh, we couldn't be more thrilled to have you here.
Who are you? Oh, I'm sorry.
Diane Chambers, Sam's fiancée.
Oh.
I'm sure he must've mentioned me.
Oh, no.
Well, it must have been an oversight.
Anyway, it's so nice.
We finally get to meet.
We've all got goose bumps.
Sit down here.
Let me get you a soda or something.
Oh, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
All right.
Thanks, thanks.
Why didn't you tell me you were coming to Boston? Well, I wanted to surprise you.
I start college at BU in the spring quarter.
Oh, my God.
A Pantusso attending college.
Yeah.
A Pantusso pronouncing college.
Yeah, yeah, my mom and dad are really proud.
Oh, I'll bet.
Tell me, how-how-how's everybody at Reedsport? Well, um, the family's fine.
Would you believe the twins are starting high school.
No kidding.
Who are the twins? (stammers) Mom's calligraphy business is, uh, doing well.
Yeah? Well, what about that nutty wild man dad of yours? Oh, God, Coach's baby brother.
I mean, you never knew what he was going to do next.
Oh, he threw his back out vacuuming.
What a nut, huh? (phone ringing) Oh, you know what? He asked me to give you something.
There you go.
Oh.
WOODY: Sam.
Beer distributor on the phone.
Tell him I'll call back, please.
NORM: Sammy, hey, hey.
Where are your priorities? Come on.
I'll be right back.
So where is Reedsport? Oh, it's in Oregon, about Well! A left coaster, huh? Yeah.
You know, uh, recent medical studies have shown that, uh, time zone transference, aka jet lag, not only can be very upsetting to one's metabolism, but, uh, also directly correlates to the, uh, loss of, uh, hair follicles.
Are you a doctor? No, he's a floon.
Who is that? Nobody knows.
So, any last minute fatherly pearls of wisdom? Read for yourself.
Mmm.
"Dear Sam, would you mind keeping an eye on my Joyce? "Coach always trusted you.
"She's my little girl, "and she's all alone in the big city.
"If anything ever happened to her, "I'd go into the shed and blow my brains out.
Phyllis says hi.
" He writes a nice letter.
Well, that certainly puts the pressure on me.
You?! Well, yes.
What do you know about taking care of an 18-year-old in the city of Boston? A young girl away from home needs a big sister.
Listen, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but she's my responsibility, and I am perfectly capable of handling it.
You know, kids are a lot different than when we were young.
I mean, today they're smart.
You gotta give 'em a lot of room to make their own mistakes.
Yeah, so I hear you're from out of town.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, what-what're you doing there? I'm just making some polite conversation.
Yeah, well, buddy, this is a bar.
You want to make polite conversation, you take it outside.
Whatever you say.
SAM: Do you believe that? Sam, that wasn't necessary.
I'm not a little girl.
Forget about it.
Come on.
Come on.
Get up here and sit up on my bar here and, uh, tell me.
Well, are you all, uh, you all checked in at college, huh? Well, uh, not really.
The my dorm is having plumbing troubles, and I have no place to stay.
Well, that's not a problem.
You can stay with me.
I just have to pick up a few things.
A bottle of juice, a loaf of bread.
A door for the bathroom.
My, God, yeah.
Joyce, the only logical place for you to stay is with me.
Oh.
Coach was like a father to me.
Well, I mean, if it's no problem.
Why not? None at all.
We'll have fun.
It'll be one long slumber party.
Oh, goody.
Can I come over and bring my Frankie Avalon records? I have dibs on cutting off her hair when she goes to sleep.
Yeah, and if we can get our hands on a laser, we'll try cutting Carla's.
Listen, uh, it'll be a little while before I can get off.
You know what? Since this is your first day in Boston, I bet you'd love to see some of the sights.
Well, yes, I would.
Good.
Yeah, uh, it's a great idea, but I can't get out of the bar today.
Oh, Sammy, she can come on my route with me, if you want.
No, no.
Uh DIANE: Sam? Sam What? No problem.
We'll, uh, we'll just find someone else to show her the sights.
All right.
Someone who's enthusiastic.
Someone who's non threatening.
That's good.
That's good.
Somebody, uh, trustworthy.
Somebody, uh, innocent.
Right.
Hey, Sam, you remember that little bird whose wing I mended? Well, this morning, I was Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to think here, Woody.
Sam Oh, yeah, right.
Well, hey, do you mind? I'll handle this.
Woody, come here for a second here, will ya? You know, I've been thinking long and hard about this, Woody.
Look, there's, uh, somebody I want you to meet here.
Come here.
Joyce, Woody.
Hi.
Wow, what a coincidence.
My first name is Woody.
How would you like to take the rest of the day off and show, uh, Joyce around the town? Oh, gee, I'd love to.
Well, good.
Take off.
Go on.
Okay, great.
Uh, can we see Old Ironsides first? Well, I don't know if Raymond Burr lives in Boston.
Well, I'm off.
Fore! Oh, you get those clubs yet, Fras? No, but it's just a matter of time.
See, I placed brochures strategically about the house for Lilith to notice.
One nestled under her pillow.
One by the wine rack.
One next to the whip locker.
Hey, Sammy, is Woody out with Joyce again today? Yeah.
That makes every day this week.
They are so cute together.
You know where he's taking her now? They're going out for ice cream, and then they're going roller skating.
Oh, those kiddleys, huh? Well, doesn't that just remind you of your youth? Not one damn bit.
That's why I feel good about it.
You know, I just think it's a stroke of genius that I had Woody squire Joyce around town.
I mean, she's safe, and I have my peace of mind.
Personally, I'm a little worried about Joyce.
She's been seeing an awful lot of Woody.
So what? Do you know what time she got in last night? Who knows what they were up to? (chuckling): Oh, come on.
We're talking about Woody.
I mean, the guy is a, is a walking Disney character without the fur.
I think you should talk to them.
There's nothing to talk about.
Hey, I'll talk to her.
No, you won't.
Why not? Because you don't know what the hell you're talking about.
All right, fine.
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
And that's the last you'll hear from me.
Thank you.
Hey, so there you are.
What kind of ice cream did you get? Tutti-frutti.
Ha-ha! Tutti-frutti.
Did you hear that? Yeah, you better be careful 'cause that can lead to the hard stuff-- double chocolate.
So, uh, is he treating you well? Yeah, yeah, he sure is.
You know, I think he is the sweetest person I've ever met.
(quietly): Me, too.
You know, Sam, I am having the best time I've ever had in my life, and I have you to thank for it.
Well, if you're happy, we're happy.
If that makes you happy, you're going to do cartwheels when you hear this.
Joyce and I are engaged.
NORM: Hey, uh, Sam? Are you, are you okay? Yeah, why? You're filling your shoes with beer.
Will this be enough for you? Could you two sit down over at the table there, please? I'll be right with you.
Just butt out.
Well thank you.
You're welcome.
Soyou're engaged.
Yeah, yeah, and, and we wanted you to be the first one to know about it since you were the one who put us together.
Well, thank you.
Why are you doing this to me? Well, Sam, we thought this would make you happy.
Well, I am, in a, a sad and disappointed way.
Well, listen, I know it sounds crazy.
We've only known each other a few days, but it seems like several.
Listen, listen, you guys, listen, listen.
I, I was in your shoes once.
I mean, I was young.
I-I, I had a whirlwind romance and I got married and it turned out to be a disaster.
I don't want this to happen to you now.
I mean, look at, look at Diane and me.
We waited five years to get married, and if it were up to me, we'd wait another five.
I'm just trying to make a point.
Do you mind? The point is, the point is that you got to, you got to, you got to get to know each other better if you're going to take a big step like this.
You got to get past this, this early infatuation and get to the point where you're sick and tired of each other.
Then you're ready for marriage.
Sam, we're never going to be sick of each other.
SAM: You know, there, there are hundreds of good, solid reasons why you two should not get married.
Like? Like like I forbid you to, young lady.
Wait, you can't forbid me.
You're not my father.
(chuckles) All right, all right.
Woody, I forbid you to marry Joyce.
Sam, you're only my boss.
Damn it, I, I'm going to forbid somebody something, I'll tell you.
Norm, I-I forbid you to leave that stool.
Sorry, Sam, uh, nature calls.
SAM: Hey, hey, you, whoa, whoa.
You go and you're cut off.
Whatever you say, Pop.
SAM: Let's get down to brass tacks here.
How much do you want? Okay, I'm not a, you know, I'm not a rich guy, but I'm comfortable, so let's stop jerking old Sammy around, and name your price.
Come on.
We don't want anything.
We just want to be together.
SAM: Oh, no, don't do Just get into my office, will you? Come on, both of you.
I've tried to talk to you on an emotional level, a logical level and in an economic level.
Now we're just going to have to raise this whole discussion up to a higher plane.
Have pity on me.
Oh, please don't do this to me, please.
I-I haven't had an easy life.
This is going to hurt me, and I-I don't want to be hurt.
I mean, I-I don't like pain.
And think about your parents.
They hate pain, too.
Not, not as much as me, but pretty much.
Oh, come on, this news'll kill them, you guys.
It'll kill me, too.
I-I please don't, please, come on, don't do this to me! Don't make me beg.
Oh Gee, Sam, you feel pretty strongly about this? SAM: Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, maybe he's right, Woody.
Maybe we could get to know each other better.
Really? It couldn't hurt.
Oh, oh, oh, bless you.
Bless you, kids.
Oh, you, you're the greatest.
Hang in there, buddy.
Oh, oh, thanks, Wood.
Oh heh-heh, they bought it.
(chortles) See you later, Sam.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, listen, you know, what you said in there made a lot of sense.
I think you may have stopped us from making a pretty big mistake.
JOYCE: Yes, thank you.
Yeah, my pleasure.
Well, what else can I do around here that I'm great at? Nauseate us? Maybe some other time.
NORM: Hey, Fras, thought you'd be out on the links by now.
It would be exceedingly difficult to tee off with this.
What's, uh, what's that, Fras? This is my extra special gift from Lilith.
It's a tie.
Yes, and I hate it.
It's ugly.
It's just a tie.
An ordinary gray tie.
I wanted golf clubs! It's not special! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Glad she didn't give him a puppy.
Oh, come, come on, come on.
We're not even married yet.
Oh, Sam.
It's never too early to start thinking about names for our children.
It-It is if you're thinking about the name Emile.
What's wrong with Emile? Emile is something you eat.
It's not something you name your kid.
Why-Why don't you just name him Socrates, after me? SAM: Ah! you two kids still basking in the glow of my wisdom? We sure are.
We thought about what you said, and we decided it was the best advice anyone had ever given us in our lives.
You hear that, Diane? That's why we've decided to call off the wedding and move in together.
Hear that, Socrates? Would you two kids go into my office and, and wait for a second? Sure, Sam.
Thank you.
You know something? I could handle this, too, if I wanted to.
But I think I'm going to be a good sport about this and, uh, let you take a crack at it.
So, what you're saying is that you screwed up miserably, and now you want me to bail you out.
No! Of course not.
Absolutely not.
Well, yes.
Yes.
Well, Sam, you don't deserve it, but I'll give it a shot.
Stand aside, Sam.
You're about to see fly into action.
So, you're going to live together.
Why? Talk to me.
Well, Sam said we should get to know each other better before we got married, and, and we thought this might be the best way.
Mm-hmm.
But I think you've forgotten something.
The reason Joyce came to Boston in the first place.
College.
That was my mom's idea.
I decided I'm not going to college.
Not not going to college? No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, you must listen to me.
You You have your whole life ahead of you.
You can't throw it away like this.
If you don't go to college, you can't earn a living.
And, and without a job, what will you do when he leaves you with a litter of kids and, and you have to sell them, one after another, just to put food on your pathetic little table? And, in the end, you'll be left with nothing.
Nothing but worn-out hips and sagging breasts.
Is that really what you want? Well, I can't speak for Joyce, but I could do without that.
So, tell me that you'll give up this insane idea of shacking up together and concentrate on your college career.
Well, um I guess I could move into the dorm and try a couple classes.
Yes.
Yeah.
And we could still date and see each other, couldn't we? Sure, oh, sure, sure.
Dating's good.
Dating's fine.
Yeah.
Sure, I like that idea.
Well, thanks, Miss Chambers.
Okay.
Yes, thank you.
Aw Thank you.
How'd it go? Oh, well, suffice it to say, the Chambers expertise worked its magic.
You begged, huh? How do you know? Your nylons are all baggy there.
How about you? I don't wear nylons.
I mean, how did you talk them out of getting married? Me? I begged like a dog for a bone.
Oh, Sam Mm.
Well, how can we avoid having this problem with our own children? Never have sex again.
I think it's worth it.
Me, too.
Absolutely.
Yeah, yeah It's worth it.
Absolutely.
Well, may maybe just