Modern Family s05e22 Episode Script

Oh, New Yorker, you've done it again.
- Jay, check out this cartoon.
- Does it have a talking dog? - No, it's a commentary - I'm out! Here you go, one of my best efforts.
Have at it.
Mm, I can't eat that.
- Why not? The pickle's touching it.
There.
The juice got on the bread and, ew, what's that stuff? - Spices.
- It looks like sea monkeys.
Have you ever really examined a jar of pickles, Jay? It's like a swamp in there.
I'll pass.
What happened? I made him a beautiful sandwich, and he won't eat it.
Yeah, 'cause it had pickles on it.
Joe is taking a nap.
I'm gonna go to the dry cleaners.
Well, if you're passing a Sushi restaurant -- She's not.
I've never heard of anyone not liking pickles.
Aw, big day for you, then.
I'm just gonna make myself a grilled cheese.
I think I saw some gruyere in there.
Do we have any fig? Sit down.
This whole persnickety thing is not gonna fly in the world.
Never hand people another reason to make fun of you.
You mean like all the cool kids with their leather jackets and their pickles? Well, you're gonna sit there until you at least try a pickle.
You're drunk with power.
You got that right.
- Oh, no.
- What? The Tonys are coming.
Cam, this is exactly why I don't want you watching them -- you're already so angry.
Not that Tonys -- Anthony Lamarque, Botox Tony.
They're coming to the wedding.
But, seriously, another revival of "Anything Goes"? Are we really doing this again? I'm surprised that they're coming, because when I mentioned the wedding to Tony, he seemed completely disinterested -- Oh, the Botox.
Oh, no.
Your cousin Pete, all of his kids.
Everyone's accepting, Mitchell! We haven't even gotten the list from my dad yet.
And your dad's friends drink like soldiers.
Because they were soldiers.
I mean, I am grateful for their service, but we are not gonna be able to afford this wedding.
Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few things.
Like what? Uh, the centerpieces? Why even have a wedding? I don't know, Cam.
Because we love and respect each other and we're raising a child together? Do you want to help or not? Ooh! Maybe we could send un-vitations.
Is that a thing? We've already made a lot of people angry by just being able to get married.
Let's not alienate the ones on our side.
All right.
Maybe we could sell something.
We're thousands over budget.
It would have to be something great.
Here, you can sell my diamond ring.
Oh, honey, that's candy.
I'm gonna kill that Jackson! I do have something of value -- a "Spiderman vs.
Doctor Octopus" comic book.
Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition.
It's worth 5 grand.
I traded a football for it when I was 9 years old, and my dad was mad because the football was signed by Dan Marino.
I said, "get it signed by Rita Moreno, and I'll keep it.
" Oh, no.
My nephews are flying in from Tulsa -- the big ones.
The pie eaters? That's it.
I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.
This here is a belt buckle once worn by the great Wyatt Earp.
My grandpa gave it to me when I was 7 years old, and he said,"son, this will keep the bad guys away.
" In my early 20s, I wore it to a cowboys-and-indians disco party.
And let's just say it didn't.
No.
I can't let you do that.
That means the world to you.
Cam, I will sell my "Spider-man.
" Mitchell, my belt buckle was owned by a legend of the old west.
I don't think your comic book would even cover our balloon budget.
Well, that's very offens-- Wait.
What's the balloon budget? Hey, mom, can we put this stuff somewhere else? It's cluttering up my room.
What is it? Oh, just some mementos of mine.
A few of your dad's.
- Oh, Zima! - Yeah.
What's Zima? Just a party in a bottle.
Man, that reminds me of some wild times.
Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn before me and my buddies snuck some "Z" into "Sleepless in Seattle.
" I wish you'd covered my ears for that.
Ooh, mom.
Who's this hottie with his arm around you? Cute! Oh, that's Bobby Nash, my old boyfriend.
Why'd you break up with him? For dad? Let's just say he took his eye off the ball and struck out.
So I stepped up to the plate and nailed her in the cheap seats.
Yeah, let's not say that.
Well, I'm off.
Oh, honey, I've got to stop by the drug store.
Do you need anything? No, thank you, my dear.
The Dunphy glands produce all the drugs I need.
Except for, uh, foot spray.
Could you grab me some of that? Sure.
Oh, wow, mom! What a dork, right? What were you thinking? It was comfortable.
My dad didn't approve.
Enough said.
I know it's hard to believe, but I was actually a bit of a nerd back in the day.
And it was suggested that I was out of my league when I landed Claire.
By Jay, mostly.
And my friends.
A-and my parents.
And Claire.
What's this? Oh, my gosh.
That is your father's answering machine from college.
God, I sometimes forget how old you guys are.
You've reached Phil's world! Party time! Excellent! Schwing! He's so cute.
Hi, Phil.
This is Mitchell, uh, Pritchett, Claire's brother.
I just wanted to thank you for setting me up with your cousin.
She was very nice.
Ooh.
The only problem is she lives kinda far, so That's the only problem? Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling.
Grab your rollerblades and meet us at the bike path, playa! But I got to be done by 3:00, 'cause today's the day I fly my new helicopter.
Phil, hey, it's Claire.
Um I need to tell you something, and I don't want to do it on your machine.
It's really important -- - Oh, no, no, no.
- You know, life-and-death important.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Not death, um, just life.
I mean I just -- oh, hell, I'm pregnant! Oh, sweet newlyweds! Don't worry.
You don't have to marry me or anything.
Let's talk as soon as you can.
Why weren't we more careful? Stupid Duran Duran concert.
All right! That's enough.
I was conceived at a Duran Duran concert? Classy start to a classy life.
You were not conceived at the concert.
It was after the concert.
Oh, wha-- in the car?! It was a very nice car.
Listen, I am done.
Stop snooping.
I'm going.
The seats folded all the way back.
Oh, images.
I can't believe they kept it.
I have a name.
The answering machine.
You know, we could have some fun with this.
I'm home! Hi, mom.
Manny, what are you doing sitting in front of a pickle? Jay says I can't leave until I taste it.
Why do you torture him like this? 'Cause he's too stuck in his ways, Gloria.
This is good for him.
He'll taste the pickle, he'll find that he likes it, he'll try more things.
This is good parenting.
This is not going to play well in my memoir.
You know, you're one to talk.
How many times have I asked you to try my mother's blood sausages? Totally different.
That's disgusting.
How do you know it's disgusting if you've never tried it? You've never tried grandma's delicious blood sausage that's right there in the freezer? Oh, you're right.
We do have some left over.
Really? It hasn't been all gobbled up yet? Okay, Mr.
Father of the Year, time for you to show Manny that you're not a hypocrite.
Looks like you're in quite a conundrum.
You know, you could've said -- "A pickle"! Dang it! It was right there.
Hello.
Hi.
Can I help you? Uh, yes.
Um, I have something pretty special that means the world to me, yet I gladly part with it to prove my love for my fiance? - Cam, you don't have to -- - I do.
This is a belt buckle that was once owned by the legendary Wyatt Earp.
And when my grandfather gave it to me God rest his soul, he said: "son, this here is, um-- - Ok? - I can't be here for this.
You do it.
And get a price on that divine lamp.
Um, anyway Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of your fiance? But this is a cheap replica given away by a gas-station chain in the '60s.
There's tons of them out there.
It's worth about 20 bucks.
Are you sure? Pretty sure.
That family loves to dress up a story.
And a pig.
Well, how about a first-edition number 3 "Spider-man Versus Doctor Octopus" in near-mint condition? Keep talking.
That Uh, uh, that's pretty much it.
Why isn't she calling? Aren't you the doubter? She'll call in three Two-o-o-o One! One's next! Yeah.
Oh, oh! Shh, shh.
Press record.
Hi, mom.
Haley, honey, did you mean to send this text to your dad? Text? What does it say? "I hate to spoil your golf game, but" Uh, no, no.
I-I didn't send that.
Must have accidentally dictated when you and dad were talking.
Okay.
That's weird.
Well, while I have you on the phone, would you mind emptying the dishwasher and doing -- Oh, you're breaking up.
Haley, can you hear me now? Nope.
Bye.
- Got it.
- Told you we'd get it.
Now just for a little creative editing Your mind is so brilliant.
If you put this much effort into your schoolwork, there is no telling the things you could -- Why do you have to ruin everything? I know, she's always talking about my potential.
Fore! Do you think I hit her? Nah, she's fine.
Sorry I'm so distracted today.
What's wrong, buddy? Let me ask you something.
Do -- do you ever get the sense that your wife feels like she could have done better? God, no.
Nah, she's the luckiest woman on earth.
I mean, if anything, I could've done better.
The noises that come out of that woman at night? It's like she's that black guy from "Police Academy.
" Oh, speak of the devil.
Message from my wife, not the black guy from "Police Academy.
" Oh, that'd be so awesome.
That would be neat.
Hey, it's Claire.
Um, I hate to spoil your golf game, but I'm pregnant! What? Let's talk as soon as you can.
I have to leave.
What? We're in the middle of a game.
I have to be with Claire! Oh -- my clubs! My hat! My sandwich! I'm sorry I freaked out in there.
How -- how much did we get for it? You know, here.
I couldn't do it.
- What? - No.
This belt buckle means so much to you.
I'm just gonna -- I am going to sell my comic book instead.
Oh, Mitchell, that is so sweet.
You know -- the idea of me parting ways with a belt buckle that my grandfather arm-wrestled Wyatt Earp for -- He arm-wrestled him? Oh, yeah, but not in a contentious way.
You know, they were friends.
My grandfather saved his life during a train robbery.
A -- a train robbery? That's -- wow.
- Cam, wow! - Yeah.
They had a real bond.
The great Wyatt Earp and Honest Abe Tucker.
I have it, I'll store it, and if I need to, I will use it.
You know what? I quit.
Pardon me for trying to broaden his horizons.
No, no, no.
You're not quitting anything.
You're going to eat your sausage, and you're going to eat your pickle.
I am tired of every day cooking two different meals.
No tomatoes.
White meat only.
Extra bacon.
He gets extra bacon? What the hell? Today is the day you two are stopping this silliness! Fine, we'll all conquer something today.
What do I have to conquer? I eat everything.
- Pet Stella's belly.
- What? You won't touch Stella's belly.
Yeah, because it's the creepiest thing ever.
Has like 30 nipples.
I'll eat the blood sausage, Manny eats the pickles, you pet her belly.
I'd rather eat the dog.
Don't be a hypocrite.
Nice and long, like you mean it.
I want to see that leg shake.
- Let me get these! - What's happening? - I'm just so happy! - Really? - Oh, did you finally get a hole in one? - A hole in one.
I hope our baby has your sense of humor.
- Our what? - Why didn't I see it? The drug store, the bloated ankles, you've been so moody lately What are you talking about? There it is.
Phil, I am not pregnant.
- You're not? - No.
Well, why'd you leave me that message? Didn't leave you a message.
Are you sure? You're very forgetful when you're pregnant.
I think I would remember! Then why have you been so moody? Maybe because you just told me I have giant ankles! Shh, I don't want him to hear us fight like this.
Give me this.
Okay.
This is gonna be good for everybody, so let's get it over with.
- Fine.
- Okay.
We'll go on the count of three.
One Two Three.
- Uh! - Oh, no! I'm gonna throw up! Why so moist, Jay?! Why?! Is this a bad time? Sorry to barge in here like this.
I guess it's weird that, uh, I'm still storing stuff here.
I just wish you would have come in sooner before I went to second base with Stella.
All right, I'll be two minutes.
If you need money for the wedding, why sell something that you love? Why don't you just ask Jay? No.
No.
No.
No.
Why not? He's your father.
I don't feel right asking my dad for money, okay? I'm an adult, and I have my comic book.
I hate to spoil your golf game, but I'm pregnant! Let's talk as soon as you can.
Oh, they are good.
I can't believe they pulled such an elaborate stunt.
I don't know whether to be angry or impressed.
It's so diabolical.
- I don't know where they get that fr-- - Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
We could really have some fun with this.
You know, it's funny, I never saw you as a comic-book guy.
Oh, no, I wasn't, but I don't know.
Spider-man -- he -- he spoke to me.
I -- I think it's because it's about this nerdy kid who has this special secret side of himself that he can't share with anybody, and -- and that's how I always felt.
Spider-man made me feel like it was okay to be different.
And It made me fee tough enough to -- to get through the rough times.
Oh, Mitchell, that's so sweet.
I didn't know that.
Are you sure you want to sell it? Yes, yes.
Because, like Spider-man I am brave and strong.
Oh! Spider web! Spider web! Mitchell.
It's in my mouth.
- Oh, Mitchell! - What?! Oh! No! No! Oh, no! Give me a break, Phil! What do you want from me?! - Shh! - I didn't say anything.
A little compassion when you thought I was pregnant would have been nice! I'm sorry.
It was a knee-jerk reaction.
You got that half right! Well, you're not pregnant, anyway, so who cares?! And what did I say that was so terrible?! Well, I believe your exact words were, "great, another kid that we can screw up.
" Well, I'm sorry, but we both know it's true.
Wait, are you saying that we never should have had them in the first place? Like you never said that! This is awful.
Is this what you thought was gonna happen? I can't think that far ahead.
I never do.
You know that.
You should've stopped me! You said this was going to be fun! Nobody is having fun! Careful?! Please, Phil! If you hadn't gotten me pregnant, I never would have married you! I would have married Bobby Nash! - You would?! - Oh, yeah! And right now, I would be on my 100-acre ranch in Aspen with my strapping You really wish you'd married Bobby? Oh, every single day! No, Phil.
Dad, are you okay? Yep.
That's what I am to everyone around here.
- Mom - Just "okay.
" - Phil! - Hey, mom? Not now.
Phil! You guys hear that? We totally got them! Quick! We need a blow dryer! Is this some sort of gay emergency? No, dad, it's not a gay emergency! It's my comic book.
We need to -- ohh, God! It's ruined.
Mitchell, it's okay.
It probably wasn't worth that much anyway.
It was worth $5,000! Your belt buckle is garbage.
It came from a gas station! Your grandfather never met Wyatt Earp! I didn't hold on to that for quite as long as I thought.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I -- I didn't mean to blurt it out like that.
No, it's -- it's okay.
I -- I kinda suspected the dates didn't line up.
Now I'm starting to think that wasn't Amelia Earhart's compass.
I'm so sorry, but I am sure that Jay can help you two out.
No, no, no, no, no.
We want to do this on our own.
Can I ask you a question? Why are you having such a big thing anyway? Well, because we're only getting married once.
I'm just saying, why do you need to make into a spectacle? A s-- a spectacle? This could be the universe's way of telling you to bring it down a notch.
Invite your family, your friend Pepper, and, what's his name, the -- the -- the flouncy one? Uh, L'David.
I don't have a flouncy friend named L'David, dad.
Do -- do you mean L'Michael or J'Marcus? I'm not sure who you're referring to.
Whatever.
I'm just saying keep it small.
Why pay all that money for people you barely know? Oh, oh, you mean like any of your friends? Oh, please, you don't want any of my friends there.
Really? Because I've -- I've been asking for a list for months now.
So, so who doesn't want them there -- me or you? Why are you getting upset? Because, dad, if -- if this was Claire's wedding, you would be all over it.
You'd be wanting to have it at your club.
You'd be inviting all your friends.
Oh, please! I wasn't that thrilled when Claire got married, either.
"Either"? For God's sake, just stop talking.
Everybody back off.
I don't think I'm out of line suggesting my friends don't want to see a father-son dance at a big gay wedding.
There is no father-son dance, dad.
I don't know what things go on there.
Do I walk you down the aisle? Does someone throw a bouquet? I mean, I'm just saying, I don't know how this stuff plays out with my guys from the club.
Oh, you mean the guys who sit around the locker room watching football naked? No! No! See, this -- this isn't about them.
This is about you.
You are the one that's uncomfortable here.
Fine.
I admit it.
This whole wedding thing is weird to me.
Now, see, why do you get to be you, but I don't get to be me? See, I didn't choose to be uncomfortable.
I was born this way.
Are you really throwing a gay anthem in our face right now? Oh, damn it.
Give me some credit.
You know how far I've come.
I mean, what more do you want from me? You know what, dad? Y-you do.
You do get to be you.
If -- if it really makes you that uncomfortable, then Don't come to the wedding.
Mitchell No! No, see? We're scaling back already.
Phil, honey What happened down there? You attacked me.
In a fun way.
We were both doing it.
I heard you this morning, talking about your super-cute boyfriend Bobby, saying that I was the "comfortable" choice, that you only married me because your dad hated it.
No, sweetheart.
I was not talking about you.
I was explaining to the girls about an outfit that I was wearing in a picture that was the comfortable choice that my dad hated.
Oh, honey.
You can't possibly think that's why I married you.
Okay, I -- I get it a-about your dad.
I -- I -- sometimes I do wonder, you know, if you hadn't gotten pregnant - Would we even be here right now? - Yeah.
Well, I wonder the same thing, too.
You do? Yes.
All the time.
Just last week, you and the kids were outside washing the car, and you got in that soap battle and everybody was running around laughing.
And I stood there at the kitchen window, and I was thinking how lucky I am.
'Cause I would have missed all of this if I hadn't married you.
I knew you were watching.
That's why I dropped the sponge.
That's what got my attention in the first place.
You really don't regret not marrying Bobby Nash? No.
He was cute, but he was boring.
He never once made me laugh.
You laugh at me all the time.
I do.
I liked how happy you were when you thought I was pregnant.
Of course I was.
Do you think you could pick that up for me? I don't know.
It's so far down here.
Schwing! See? I told you they were gonna be fine.
- Door lock! - Run! Go! Go! Go! Go! Hey, Phil, it's Mitchell, Claire's brother.
I heard about your and Claire's whole pregnancy situation, and I'm -- I'm sorry my dad didn't have a better reaction.
Don't take it personally.
He's just like that.
He'll -- he'll come around.
And if not Well his loss.
Yeah, okay, anyway, uh, now that we're gonna be family, it's -- it's probably a little weird for me to date your cousin, so maybe you could ask her to stop paging me? It's so crazy.
I know.
Uncle Mitchell with a pager.
No, Stella.
Okay? No! Stella, I said no.
You Okay, but just this time, okay? And you keep your mouth shut about this.
Who's there?